The Clock Winder (30 page)

“Oh, no.”

And then she returned to her knitting. She had spent more time here than Matthew, even—two full days, planted in that armchair. And at night, when he took her home, her mind was still back with her mother. “If only I hadn’t
quarreled
with her,” she kept saying. “I mean, stated my case, but quietly. Put her off a little instead of coming right out with things. Do you think she blames me?”

“No, of course not.”

But there was no real way of telling. Their mother’s speech was difficult; she could talk, but only after false starts and hesitations. To save effort she kept to the bare essentials. “Water,” she said, and it could have been a polite request or a surly order, no one knew. Yet the doctor said she would be back to normal in no time. Already the paralysis was lifting. Her face merely had a numb look, as if she were under Novocain. Her hand was beginning to respond to massage, and she was anxious to try walking. “Your mother’s a remarkable woman,” the doctor said. Mary frowned, as if he had told her something she didn’t want to hear.

Margaret had come, but she had had to bring the baby. She only visited the hospital when Mary was home to babysit.
And Andrew had arrived on the bus the day before, still pale and shocked over the news. “She’s fine, she’s going to be fine,” they told him. But he barely heard. In the hospital room he prowled nervously, stopping every now and then to lay a hand on his mother’s forehead, and finally they had sent him home in a cab. “But I want to be
with
her,” he kept saying. “Hush, now,” Mary told him, “you’ll only make her worse, going on like this.”

“Can I come back this evening?”

“She’ll be
home
day after tomorrow, Andrew.”

“Who will stay with her later on? Are you all going to leave her alone again?”

“No, no.”

“I’ll
stay. I’ll come here to live, I’ve been meaning to for years.”

“No, Andrew.”

But who
would
stay with her? It was on all their minds. The girls had to go home soon. Matthew was planning to spend his nights there for a while, but his mother needed someone in the daytime. “Where is Alvareen?” Mary asked. No one had thought to wonder before. They looked at the house, which seemed stale and dusty. Not even Alvareen would have let it get that way. Had she quit? They asked Mrs. Emerson, who merely closed her eyes. “What’s her last name?” Mary said. “Do you have her phone number? We want her to come look after you.”

“No,” said Mrs. Emerson.

“No, what? You don’t have her number? Or you don’t want her to come.”

“I don’t want—”

“You don’t need a nurse, exactly,” Mary said.

“No.”

“Is there someone
you
can think of?”

Mrs. Emerson raised her good hand to her lips and frowned. She sighed, apparently about to give up, and then just as she was turning her head away she said, “Gillespie.”

Mary looked at Matthew, puzzled. “Gillespie?”

“Gil—” Mrs. Emerson struggled to a half-sitting position. She looked irritated.
“Gillespie,”
she said.

“Elizabeth,” Matthew said suddenly.

“Elizabeth? The handyman?”

Mrs. Emerson sank down again. Mary raised her eyebrows at Matthew.

“She’d be good if she’d do it,” Matthew said. “I saw her taking care of a sick old man once.”

“But you don’t think she’d do it,” Mary said.

“I don’t know.”

“You know better than anyone else.”

“What makes you say that?” Matthew asked. “Do you think I keep in touch with her or something?”

“Well, excuse
me,”
said Mary.

“Sorry,” Matthew said. “Well, give it a try, if you want. I don’t know what she’ll say.”

Mary tracked down Elizabeth’s parents right then, from the phone in the hospital room. She had the operator place the call person-to-person to Elizabeth. While she waited Matthew stood at the window with his back to the room, pretending to be looking at the view. He wound a venetian blind cord around his fist. “Lots of visitors today,” he told his mother. Mrs. Emerson made some small, impatient gesture that rustled the sheets. Then Mary tensed, listening. “I see,” she said. “Well, place the call there, then. Thank you.” She cupped the receiver and turned to Matthew. “They say she lives in Virginia now. They gave us the number to call her at work—some kind of children’s school.”

“School?
Elizabeth?”

“They said—” She uncupped the receiver. “Yes? All right, I’ll hang on. They’re trying to reach her now,” she told Matthew.

But Matthew didn’t stay to hear. He had a sudden urge to get away, as far as he could from Elizabeth and even from the phone that connected her. “Think I’ll buy a cup of coffee,” he said, and he bolted from the room while Mary stared at him. Once he was outside he took several deep breaths. He pressed the elevator button, and then when it didn’t arrive immediately he pushed out the swinging door beside it and started down the stairs.

Elizabeth would never come. He didn’t even want her to. He had stopped thinking about her long ago. The hole she left, after the last time he saw her, had made him realize that he wasn’t happy living alone; and he had conscientiously taken out several other girls in that first empty year. One he had grown serious about. He had considered asking her to marry him. Then Elizabeth had unfolded herself from a dim corner in the back of his mind, shaken the dust off her jeans and stretched her legs. Her face was bright, threaded across with wisps of blond hair blowing in the wind. She was laughing with a careless kind of joy that took itself for granted. But once he had made his decision—broken off with the other girl, although he sometimes regretted it—he was no longer troubled by Elizabeth. His life had solidified. He was a man in his thirties who lived by himself, encased in a comfortable set of habits and a plodding, easy-going job. He liked things the way they were. Change of any kind he carefully avoided.

He bought a cup of coffee from a vending machine and drank it very slowly. Then he returned to his mother’s floor, using the stairs again, and when he got back Mary was peacefully knitting in her armchair. “Sssh,” she told him. “Mother’s asleep.”

He went over to the window. “Sun’s out,” he said.

“Is it?”

“The forecast was rain.”

“I talked to Elizabeth,” Mary told him. He stayed quiet. Mary untwined another length from her ball of yarn.

“I asked if she could come, but she said no. She’s not interested.”

“Oh. Well, then,” Matthew said.

“Then I thought of Emmeline. Remember her? Do you happen to know what her last name might have been?”

“Why are you asking
me
all these things?” Matthew said. “Ask Mother, she’s the one who keeps using people up and throwing them out. Wouldn’t you think she could just once
keep
someone?”

“There, now,” Mary said. “Keep your voice down, Matthew.” And she went on serenely knitting that endless sweater.

Mrs. Emerson came home in an ambulance, pale and mysterious on a wheeled stretcher. Mary rode with her; the others stayed at the house to meet her. As soon as the ambulance drew up to the curb Mary leaped out, all energy and efficiency. “Coming through! Coming through!” she called, and chased Matthew from the front door so that she could open it wider. “Is the room ready? Are the sheets turned down?” The men bore the stretcher up the steps. Mrs. Emerson stared straight into the sunlight with the corners of her mouth slightly curled. “Where is the
doorstop?”
Mary asked. Beside her, the others seemed drab and subdued. Margaret stood next to Matthew, with little Susan over her shoulder. Andrew waited just inside. His face loomed out of the dimness like a sliver of moon on
a cloudy night. “Out of the
way
, Andrew,” Mary told him, but he paid no attention. “Should you be so loud?” he asked. “Mother? Are they going too fast?” The men navigated the stretcher through the house, calling out warnings and cursing newel posts and doorframes. Mrs. Emerson’s smile seemed to be apologizing for her sudden awkwardness. She had been so small, all her life. Now she had grown to the size of a bed, with four square corners to catch on furniture.

She was taken to the sunporch, which Mary had converted to a sickroom. Her twin bed filled one wall, with a table beside it already bearing a tumbler and a water pitcher, flowers in a vase, a pile of slick new magazines. At the other end were all the chairs that had once been scattered through the room. They were placed in a double row, as if Mary had planned on the family’s sitting there as rigid and watchful as an audience. Beneath one window was the television, its face newly Windexed, waiting to be depended upon.

“Easy, easy now,” one of the men said, and they lifted Mrs. Emerson from the stretcher. She held her neck stiff and clutched at her bathrobe. Matthew, watching her face, could tell when she tried to move her paralyzed hand and failed. There was a shift in her expression, a momentary distance in her eyes, as if she were surprised all over again at the failure and was just recollecting how it had come about. Then she was settled. Her lips moved, and firmed themselves, but instead of speaking she merely nodded to the men. They backed out of the room with the stretcher between them.

For the first hour, there was a concentrated flurry centered in the sunporch. A servant’s bell was brought in, and a reading lamp. Andrew put ice in the water. Susan was set on the bed but she cried and had to be taken away again. And everyone, without intending to, kept speaking for Mrs. Emerson. “How nice to be
home!”
Mary said. Then she caught herself, and
laughed. Mrs. Emerson raised her head. “It fools—” she said. “Feels? Feels too hot?” said Matthew.

“Too cold,” said Mary.

“Strange,” said Andrew.

Mrs. Emerson brushed them all away. “Summery,” she said. Then she closed her eyes, as if she were disappointed at such a pointless remark after all that effort. Everyone rushed to make a fuss over it. “It
does,”
Mary said, and Andrew said, “It’s June now, you know. Good time to be on the sunporch.” They fell silent and looked at the slant of yellow light. “Tomorrow,” said Mary, “I’ll get the window washers in.”

Mrs. Emerson didn’t open her eyes.

Pianists, Matthew thought, are the ones that get arthritis, and artists go blind and composers go deaf. And his mother, who pulled all the family strings by words alone, was reduced to stammering and to letting others finish her sentences. All morning they supplied her words for her—never exactly the right ones, never in the proper tone. Tears of frustration kept slipping out of the corners of her eyes and forming gray discs on the pillow. Her chin trembled and her mouth turned downward. She gave her children the feeling that it was they who had failed.

They found her a memo pad, and closed her fingers around a ballpoint pen. But what good was that? Even writing letters to her children, she had preferred using a dictaphone first to try out the words on her tongue. She threw the pen away, with such a jerky movement that it landed in the bedclothes. Then she shook her head, over and over again. “Sorry,” she told them.

“It’s all
right,”
said Mary. “Nobody blames you at all. Do we? We know how hard it must be.”

Lunch was eaten in the sunporch, with Mary beside the bed helping her mother and the others in the lined-up chairs.
Susan was put on the windowseat, where she popped all her peas with one finger and babbled to herself. Everyone was grateful to have her there. During breaks in the conversation they watched her intently, implying that there was much more they could be saying if only she hadn’t distracted them.

Supper was easier; their mother was asleep. But by then they were all exhausted. They ate sandwiches by a dim light in the dining room, on a table cluttered with bills and playing cards which no one had the energy to move. “How do
nurses
do it?” Margaret asked. “There are four of us. Wouldn’t you think we could manage better than this?”

Mary raised her chin from her hand and said, “Margaret, do you know Emmeline’s last name?”

“Emmeline. Emmeline—it will come to me. Why?”

“We figured she might take care of Mother after we leave.”

“Well, that’s a thought,” Margaret said.

“Mother
knows her name, I’m sure of it, but she pretends she doesn’t. She’s latched onto the idea of Elizabeth.”

Andrew lowered his sandwich carefully to his plate, and Margaret shot a glance at him. “Then why
not
Elizabeth?” she asked.

“Margaret?” Andrew said.

“She won’t come,” said Mary, ignoring him.

“Did you try her?” Margaret asked.

“We called her this morning.”

“Really? Where’s she at?”

“Virginia,” said Mary. “I thought you kept in touch with her.”

“Oh, no. Not since, not for years. I wrote but she never answered. What’d you say to her?”

“This conversation is pointless,” Andrew said. “I would never allow her to come back here.”

“Well, she isn’t, so don’t go into a stew over it,” Mary said.

“Stew? Who’s stewing? I merely feel—”

“She isn’t
coming
, Andrew.”

“Can you guarantee that?” Andrew said. “She’s packing her bags right now, I can feel it. Wild horses couldn’t keep her away. Well, if necessary I’ll bar all the doors and lock the windows. I won’t allow it.
Mother
wouldn’t allow it.”

“Mother’s the one who asked for her,” Matthew said.

“There are other people she likes in this world.”

“But not that she asked for.”

“I’m surprised at her. I don’t understand her, she used to not even want to hear her name. Are you sure she said
Elizabeth?
Does she
remember?”

“Mary,”
said Margaret, “what did you
say
to her?”

“Just asked if she could help out with Mother a while. She said no.”

“Did you say it would only be for a short time? Did you tell her we’d just need her till Mother’s herself again?” “She didn’t give me a—”

“Did you say all we wanted was a nurse, pure and simple? No other problems dumped on her? Did you tell her we’d let her go back afterward to her old life?”