The Cogan Legend (37 page)

He never told Ann when he lost his job or about the problem that plagued him.  Even when he didn't have a job, he pretended to go to work every day.  For a while, he fooled everyone.  

In late August, Ann suspected she was pregnant and shared her good news with Phillip.  “I have something important to tell you,” Ann said with a smile.

“What is it?  I need some good news.”

“We're going to have a baby.  I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.”  

This didn't bring an immediate smile to Phillip's face, and Ann wondered why he didn't seem excited.  “What's wrong?  Aren't you pleased about us having a baby?”

“Of course I'm happy; it's just unexpected,” Phillip temporized.  “I didn't think it would happen this soon.”  Deep inside, Phillip wanted the baby but not this soon.

Ann shared her good news with her father and Mary.  Both were delighted at news that they would have a grandchild.

  The young couple visited Charles and Mary frequently, usually spending Sundays attending church together and then dining with them.  

Only once did Ann try to visit Mrs.Miller.  It had been nine months since the tragedy and she discovered that the resentment Mrs. Miller held toward her had not lessened.  She wasn't interested in subjecting herself to additional abuse, so she left things alone on that side of town.

Phillip was becoming a desperate man.  The money he had saved was about to run out. This only added more pressure to his circumstance.  

Ann noticed his increasing distraction and unhappiness but couldn't understand it.  The life growing inside her was the most incredible feeling she'd ever had.  It was a constant source of delight.

Early September, Ann answered a knock at the door.  “Mrs. Matter, how are you?  Is your husband home?”

“I'm afraid not, Mr. Kissinger,” Ann said to her landlord.  “Won't you come in and have a glass of tea?”

Mr. Kissinger shifted uncomfortably.  “I'm here to collect the rent your husband owes, ma'am.”

Ann stepped back.  “Are you sure, Mr. Kissinger?”

“I'm quite sure.”

Ann smiled sweetly.  “I'll be sure to tell him that it's due.  He must have forgotten.  He's been very busy.”

Mr. Kissinger tipped his hat.  “Thank you, ma'am.  Then I'm sure it will be taken care of.  Sorry to bother you.”  He stood in the doorway for an awkward moment, as if he had more to say, but then tipped his hat again and left.

When Phillip walked into the house that evening he knew something was wrong by the expression on his wife's face.  “What is it?” he asked.

 Ann's expression was puzzled.  “Mr. Kissinger says you haven't paid the rent yet.”

Phillip turned red and looked uncomfortable.

Ann frowned.  “I told him there must be some mistake, that my husband always paid the bills on time.”  

Phillip didn't meet her eyes.  “Ann, I gave him the rent the other day.  He's mistaken; I'll get this straightened out tomorrow. Don't worry.”  

“I'm worried, Phillip.  I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately,” Ann said.  

Phillip shook his head, a tight smile at his lips.  “I said I'd take care of it. He made a mistake.”

Ann nodded.  “Alright, Phillip.  Thank you for taking care of it.”

Relieved that she wasn't going to ask more questions, Phillip hugged her.  “You'll see, it will be okay. Trust me.”

Ann's worry grew.  Phillip was hiding something, but she couldn't figure out what it was.  She knew he was lying to her about something because his manner was furtive and he was careful when he talked to her.  She started feeling like the housekeeper instead of Phillip's wife.

Two weeks passed, and the changes in her husband became more profound. He spent less and less time at home, he wouldn't look her in the eye and he began talking about going back to the Army, something he swore he wouldn't do just before they got married.  He complained more and found fault with her cooking and housekeeping.

At the end of the second week, Ann rose early one morning and dressed.  She cooked breakfast and woke Phillip.

When he finished eating, Ann pulled her chair out and placed it so it was facing him.  She sat down and leaned forward, taking his hands in hers.  Phillip was startled, and she saw a look of desperation in his eyes.  “Phillip, ever since I told you about the visit from the landlord it seems you've become someone I don't know.”

“What are you talking about?” Phillip replied.  He pulled his hands away.  Ann noticed the look of desperation had changed to fear.

“It seems that everything I do is wrong lately.  I can't please you and you're upset all the time.”

“Not true!” Phillip said flatly.

Ann nodded, looking steadily at him.  “Yes, it is.  I wish you'd tell me why.”

“Why what?” Phillip asked.  His eyes darted around the room as if looking for a way out.

“Why I can't please you; why I can't do anything right.”

Phillip shook his head.  “There's nothing wrong, Ann.  Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.”  He met her eyes.  “I'm just working too hard at my job, trying to support you.  Maybe I'm a little short, but it's probably because I'm tired.”

Ann shook her head but remained silent.

“You don't believe me now?”

Ann looked at him.  “I want to help.  Whatever is wrong, aren't we supposed to face it together?  I'm not accustomed to such anger and conflict; my nerves are wearing down.  I can't take this bickering much longer.”

“I wouldn't call it bickering, Ann.  We might have some disagreements, but that's natural, right?  We knew we wouldn't see everything eye-to-eye.  Look, I'll get it squared away. I'll do better, I promise.”      

After that, Phillip talked to her about the weather, their wedding and other safe subjects.  When the conversation moved on to anything important, he excused himself and went to bed or said he needed some time to think.

Ann went to her father's home and found Mary there.

Mary was always glad to see Ann. “Ann, what a pleasant surprise.”

“Mary, I think I've hidden my frustrations from you long enough.  I hope you don't mind me discussing a problem with you” Ann said without preamble.

“Of course!”  Mary took Ann by the shoulders and steered her toward the spacious living room.  “Just give me a minute to make tea, and we'll talk.”

 When Mary returned, Ann blurted out, “For several weeks Phillip has become a different person.  He's constantly argumentative.   I don't know him anymore; he's so different.  He has a problem, but he refuses to tell me what it is.  He told me it's something at work.  I confronted him and he apologized for being so mean, but it continues and I don't know what to do.  Our marriage is wearing thin.  I can't do anything right for him.”   

Mary tried to hide her shock.  She looked into Ann's eyes.  “He doesn't hit you or push you does he?”  

“No, he doesn't.” Ann smiled at the suggestion. “It's just emotional, that's all.  It's like he doesn't trust me or doesn't think I'm smart enough to see when he's hiding something.”

“Like what?”

Ann shrugged.  “The landlord came and asked me to speak to Phillip about the rent. We'd missed a payment.  I confronted Phillip and he denied it, said he'd paid the landlord a day earlier.”  She shook her head.  “I don't know why I trust the landlord more than I do Phillip. Perhaps it's the way he reacted.  He tensed up and got extremely defensive.  It just struck me as wrong for him to act that way.”

“So, it's more than just intuition.”

“I think so.  And there are other clues.  We fight all the time over stuff that doesn't matter.  He won't talk about finances.  He goes to work every day, but he doesn't come home dirty.  Even father comes home dirty, and he's the owner.”

“So, you think he doesn't have a job?”

“I don't know what to think!” Ann turned anguished eyes on her friend and stepmother.

“Do you want to discuss this with your father?”  Mary asked.  

“No.”  Ann seemed to shrink into her chair.  “If there's no solution I'll have no choice but I'd like to keep this between us for now.”

  “Of course, Ann.  When you're ready to talk to your father, that's up to you.  I won't mention it to him.”

Ann sighed.  “I wanted a magic cure, I guess.”

Mary laughed.  “Don't we all!”  Then she sobered and put an arm around Ann's shoulders.  “When it comes to men, you just have to give some things time to work themselves out.”

Another week went by, and Phillip seemed more and more distant.  Mary's visits became more frequent.  She would bring a loaf of bread, some meat or dessert as a pretext, claiming to have cooked too much – again, and laugh.  Phillip seemed to communicate better with Ann when Mary was there, but as Mary pointed out, about nothing important.

 

 

Several weeks later, Mary shook her head when she saw the sadness and defeat on her step-daughter's face.  She poured a glass of tea for each of them and said, “Ann, I'm concerned for you and the baby.  I think you need to tell your father.  Maybe you should think about moving in with us.”

Ann was solemn.  “I can't tell Father yet.  I don't know what happened.  I love Phillip so much, and I want us to be a family.  Besides, I don't think Phillip would move into Father's house; he has too much pride.  It would be like admitting defeat.  I can't do it!  As much as it seems hard right now, Phillip is a good man.  Whatever this is, I hope he'll get over it in time for the baby to have a good father.”

Mary swallowed hard.  “Alright, Ann.  When you're ready, I'll sit in with you when you tell him.”

Ann tried a new tactic.  She began flirting with Phillip; avoiding topics that she knew upset him and kissing him with more passion.  It worked for a few days until Phillip pushed her away and stomped out the door.

Mary saw the desperation, fear and loneliness in Ann's eyes the next time she visited. Ann told her what had happened and fell into her arms sobbing.  “I'm never going to be a good wife like you are,” she cried.  “I don't know what else to do!”

“You're a good wife.  There's something wrong inside Phillip, and you have to believe me.  There's only one thing left to do.  You've tried confronting him, you've tried to tease it out of him, and you've tried to ignore it.  Now you need to walk away from him.”

Ann was shocked.  “Walk away?”

“Come live with us,” Mary said.

“That's not right!” Ann stepped back from Mary.  “What are you saying?”

“Sometimes the threat of losing something you love the most will shake a man out of his mood – or whatever it is.  You'll see.  I know what I'm talking about.”

Ann shook her head.  “I'd be a failure,” she moaned.  “I feel like, and perhaps I am, a failure right now, but I'd know it every day I woke up in my bed at father's house instead of here.  I can pretend I haven't done enough if I'm still here.”  She wiped at the tears that slid down her cheeks.  “I can't, Mary.”

Phillip hesitated one morning after breakfast.  He spoke in a rush.  “Ann, I think I've made a mistake; I belong in the Army.  I shouldn't have left.”

“Phillip, what do you mean?” Ann felt panic rise into her chest.  “What're you saying?”

“I have to leave.”

“Am I that bad a wife, Phillip?” Ann asked.  Tears sprang into her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.  She didn't bother to wipe them away.

“No, you're a good wife.  It's me, Ann.  I'm not cut out to be a husband.” He looked down at his hands.  “You've been good to me, Ann.  Better than I deserve.  Please forgive me for hurting you.”

“I forgive you!  Of course I do.”  Ann wanted to sit in Phillip's lap and hug him as if she'd never let him go.  But Phillip wasn't responding to her.  He stared at the floor.

“I'll take you home.  I hope your father and Mary won't hate me.”

 Ann stood.  Anger clouded her face.  “Why won't you trust me with whatever problem you're facing?  You're just cutting me out of your life?  Phillip! You married me! The preacher said we became one, but we haven't!  I don't know what's wrong with you, but until you get it straightened out, we're through!  You aren't leaving me; I'm leaving you!”

Phillip was shocked.

“Pack your bags and get out!” Ann said angrily.  “I wanted to be what you needed, but you stopped looking at me weeks ago!  I hope you find happiness with the Army!”

“No…” Phillip protested. “It isn't your fault…” but he was talking to an empty room.  Ann strode out the door and disappeared down the street.

“Ann!”  Phillip ran to the door.  “Ann, come back!  I'll take you there.”

Ann kept walking, back straight, head high.

 With tear-filled eyes, Phillip grabbed his duffel bag and started to throw in clothing from his dresser.  His hand closed on a rock, and he stared at it.  It was the fossil Poll Soll had given him.

He sat on the bed and looked at the fossil.  He turned it over in his hand.  Poll Soll had told him the fossil was powerful.

Guilt washed over him.  He'd made a promise to a dying man and failed to carry it out. He was a liar.  Promises made to the dying are sacred.  “I promised to bury him in the Indian burial cave,” he said aloud.  He tossed the fossil onto the bed.

Then he remembered his promise.  He held the stone in his hand and stared at it. Finally, he came to a decision:  He would bury Poll Soll's body in the Indian burial cave as he'd promised before Poll Soll was hung.  He touched the stone and immediately felt its power.