The Color of Rain (38 page)

“I had to keep going,” I say.

“Your heart almost exploded. And what in hell bit you? The antibodies in my blood were barely strong enough to control the poison.”

“It was Leland's weird fish. I hid your com in the tank right on his command deck. I figured it would be an unlikely spot to be searched.”

“It must have worked. The K-Force took off after Leland, tracking that frequency, no doubt.” His voice drops to a new low. “They left us here to run out of air or become Johnny's playthings. I can't believe it. I can't.”

I cross to the windshield. “But
Imreas
seems far away. Isn't that a good thing? And wouldn't it be smarter for Johnny to turn tail and run when he's fixed up?”

“You know that Johnny will come for us. He's out there right now frothing at the mouth as he watches our leaking ship.” Ben shuffles out of the bunk and stretches his arms over his head. “Besides, we have no engines. We burnt them out on escape. So when he's ready, all he has to do is swing by and pick us up. If we haven't asphyxiated by then.”

“So we're just waiting?” I begin to pace around the small ship. “We're just waiting for Johnny to get patched up and then that's it?”

“Pretty much.” He rubs his scalp, sending his hair every which way.

“I hate waiting,” I say.

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” he asks. I finish my pace around the command area and look at his arms held out, palms up—a sort of “I give up” with a hint of an invitation. “If we wanted to be smart, we would sit still and breathe as shallowly as possible, but that might just make it so that we live long enough for him to capture us.”

I shake my head. “No. We have to do something. He can't win
everything. He doesn't get to kill you and Walker. He doesn't get to have me over and over. . . .” I let the words fall. “He doesn't get to win.”

His blue eyes catch on mine in such a way that I look to his mouth. His full lips. “Okay,” he says slowly.

And that's all it takes.

We fly at each other like magnets. Ben kisses me hard, and my hands pull through his hair while he presses my whole body against his. This is nothing like the passion in the lake. This has gone wild. We steal each other's breath, and I tug his shirt over his head.

Outside, the wreckage of
Imreas
is just distant smoke. We ignore the ominous, wheezing leak of
Melee
's hull, breathing recklessly. I knock Ben onto the bunk and straddle him. I know what to do, and this time I do it because I want to. Not for money or trade.

My hands trip down to his waist, but he captures them at his belt.

“Whoa,” he mumbles midkiss. “Wait a second.”

I don't want to stop. “Please. I need to do this for real before I die. Please.” But he captures my wrists before I can open his pants, and it's too much like Johnny's grip. I rip them away, sitting up. “Don't hold me down. What's your problem?”

He rubs his face and speaks through his fingers. “I may seriously regret this later, especially considering we'll most likely be dead by tomorrow, but we should slow down.”

“You're rejecting me?” I slide off him. “Because I'm a prostitute?”

“That's not . . . you're not . . .”

“I'm Johnny's girl!” I start to breathe way too hard.

“You are
not
Johnny's girl, Rain. You never were because you never gave up. Never gave in to him.”

“What's this then?” I shove the scarlet bracelet in his face. “A fashion statement?”

“Hell.” He sits up on the thin mattress. “I want to slow down
because
I like you. I don't want to hurt you or push you. Really, I—”

I wave my hand in his face to shut him up. “Yeah. You really like me. We've already had this conversation.”

He knocks my hand away. “I fucking love you.”

My spine turns to ice.

“And it feels horrible,” he adds. “Like there's something manic in my body that won't be still. Kissing you is a release. A massive release, but”—he says, pointing to the bunk—“this is too much too fast. I feel like I'm crashing, and I don't want it to be this way with you. I want . . .”

I wait for whatever else he needs to say. The frozen parts of me are already melting, and I touch the soft line of his collarbone and shoulders. Johnny's body was too sharp—all angles and corners.

“I want this to be real,” he finally croaks. “You feeling any of this?”

“Not exactly,” I admit a little too fast. “But let me explain.”

He groans and tosses himself back into the mattress. “Please, Rain, explain why I'm such a blind idiot.”

I close in on his face, and my hair tumbles over one side of us. “I spent all this time teaching myself how to do this and feel nothing. And I've gotten good at it. Too good.” I take a deep
breath and close my eyes. “Do you remember the lake?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Well, I can't really be with you without feeling that side of me kick in. Like I just have to do it. Get it over with.” I'm suddenly so relieved that Ben stopped us, that I kiss him. It's slow and steady this time. It feels real. It makes my whole body tingle and swell.

I pull away, and his finger twirls around one of my curls. “All the others . . . everyone I've been with . . . they're stacked between us like a wall. Brick for brick.”

His hand drops. “The others?”

“The ones I sold myself to. There are so many that I lost count, but they all blend into one burning nightmare.” The words catch and jar. “So maybe I did ruin myself.” A tear dares to break free, and I scrub it away. “You were right. I'm damaged.”

He tugs both of my arms until I relent and lie across his chest. Another tear finds me, slipping from my cheek to his skin. “So we wait,” he says. “We'll just be friends until you forget this run and all its demons. It's not like you're ever going to have to do it again.”

My bracelet tag glows scarlet only inches from my face. “I'll never forget.”

I'm the color of it.

“Then I'll wait until you let it go.” He forces a chuckle. “Hell, I only have until tomorrow most likely.”

A tiny laugh breaks from me. “True. We should be dead by then, right?”

Before he can answer,
Melee
shudders so hard that I'm almost tossed from the bunk. Ben's arms tighten around me just as
another shockwave makes the metal hull screech and moan.

He pulls his shirt on as he slides into the captain's chair. Through the windshield, a great chain net closes over
Melee
. Ben presses a few things on the command panel and swivels to face me.

“Looks like Johnny couldn't wait for tomorrow.”

I can't take my eyes off the view as we're hauled to our deaths.

The hulking silver of
Imreas
comes closer and closer, rimmed with the sapphire light of her mighty engines. It's the same blue that Walker and I marveled at when we sat beneath the spacedocks, but now the color is promising my death.

“It's too bad we can't tell your uncle what's happening to us. Maybe he doesn't know.”

“You give him too much credit. He knows that he shouldn't have left us out here. My mom is going to kill him.” Ben bites his bottom lip and taps something on the glass control screen. “But you know what . . .”

“What are you doing?” I ask as Ben types things on the glass screen.

“A last call for help. Or really a screaming accusation at my uncle.” He taps something final, and his fingers pause. “I sent a transmission that should reach him while he tracks down
Stride
.” He points to the screen, and I lean over his shoulder to read:

               
TO TITAN SHIP HOLMES. ATTN: K. RYAN. MELEE BEING RECAPTURED BY IMREAS. PASSENGERS TO BE EXECUTED BY J. VALE.

“Lovely,” I breathe. “It's like reading your own headstone.”

“They need to know what's happening. It's a long shot, but maybe they can capture Johnny while he's busy torturing us to death.”

“Vale?” I wonder aloud. “Johnny's last name is Vale?” The sentence sticks on my tongue. “He shouldn't have a last name. He's not human enough for that.” I mean Johnny, but I'm thinking of my own lost name. Does anyone know that I'm Rain White? Am I still her after everything I've done?

Ben doesn't see my struggle. “Yeah. The malevolent Vale clan: Johnny, Leland, and their father, Errick. They make up the muscles, spine, and brain of the Touched slave trade.”

“I heard Leland and Johnny talk about their father. Sounds like the devil himself. Wouldn't this Errick be the real one to go after? I mean, from what I know about Johnny, he's nothing without his father's prodding.”

“He's the head, all right, and he leads a strong and untouchable band of followers. He's got a fleet of Runners under his thumb that, well, let's just say there are Runners loyal to Vale in the Void and then there is the K-Force. And the former outnumbers the latter a hundred to one.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.” He sighs and spins in his chair. His knees press into my legs, and I like the unyielding feel of him. “But we've helped them nab Leland. You helped them. We can die knowing that we amputated a significant limb of the Vale business.”

“Victory,” I mock, and he almost smiles. “What if Leland gets away?”

“We'll never know.”

Something bangs and clamps, and I grip Ben's shoulders to keep my balance. The windshield has been blanked of space and stars, and now all we can see is
Imreas
's airlock as the doors close around us.

“It'll take them about twenty minutes to hack through the door,” he says.

I squeeze his shoulders. “It's not you he wants, Ben. Not really. I could go out to him, and you could stay in the ship and lock the door behind me. Maybe he'll take so long with me that your uncle will come in time for you.”

He stands. “Like
hell
would I let that go down, Rain. Like
hell
.”

“I know.” I reach for him, and he pushes into my arms. His mouth presses my neck without really kissing, and I squeeze my eyes. I can't be responsible for Ben's death—and just maybe he'll make it back to the Edge. Maybe he'll see his mom again, and something right and good will make it through all of this. Just maybe he'll be able to recover Walker.

I can hope, can't I?

I guide his chin to my face and press my lips to his while slipping the dose rod out of his pocket. I break from him to check that it's on the knock-out setting while he whispers a sort of good-bye into my ear. When I don't respond, he pulls out of my hold.

“Rain, did you hear me?”

“If you did get free, if they came for you in time, would you try to help Walker? Maybe you could get him back.”

“Of course, but what are you—”

“I'm sorry.” I inject him in the thigh, and his weight crumples
in my arms. I guide him into the captain's chair and turn the rod in my hand, switching the setting to black. It would be so easy to end it all right now, but I'm no coward.

Johnny will need to be distracted long enough for the K-Force to receive Ben's message and hopefully send help. I slip the dose rod back in Ben's pocket. No cheating this time. I have to do this by myself.

I have to die as slowly as possible.