The Colour of Milk (13 page)

i’m leaving.

why?

mr graham said he didn’t need me no more. he said now mrs graham is gone and ralph has left there ain’t enough for two of us to do.

there is.

he said he’ll get someone in to help with the heavy clean but that he couldn’t pay money for the two of us. and he give me this.

she showed me the money he’d given her then she stood up and held her shawl tight around her. i knew when you came, she said, that he liked you more than he liked me.

ain’t that, i said.

it is that. but it’s all right. it ain’t your fault.

and then she was gone and the room was empty and i sat there till the light was going and i had to go down to attend to the fires and make sure there was enough heat to cook on.

and so i cooked and i kept the fire burning and then when the evening came i took a tray of food in to the study. and he was sitting in his chair and he saw me come in.

ah, mary, he said, and he stood up. i think there’s no need to bring my food in here. i’ll come in to the kitchen and eat with you. it’s warm in there and it’ll save you carrying trays around.

and so i carried the tray back to the kitchen and he followed me. and he sat down at the scrubbed table opposite me and he started to eat. it took him a while to look up and realize i wasn’t eating nothing.

what is it? he asked.

edna’s said you told her to go.

he put down his knife and fork. ah, he said. so that is what has put you out of sorts.

she weren’t happy.

i know. but it is easily explained as it was a simple matter of mathematics. i can’t afford to have too many staff when there is only me in the house. we can get outside help in when necessary.

but she was here a long time, sir.

i know.

she’d been here longer than me. she wanted to be here.

are you saying you do not?

that, i said, ain’t what i’m saying. it was edna’s home.

he put his hands together and smiled. you can not possibly expect me to be responsible for her all her life.

can i not?

no.

and he picked up his knife and fork and started to eat again but i did not.

eat, he said. please.

and so i pushed my food around my plate but did not eat it. he finished his plate full and i took the two plates through to the scullery. and he watched me.

i realize, he said when i come back, that it must seem unfair.

i said nothing.

look, will you sit down? you haven’t eaten anything.

i’m not hungry.

you need to eat. he shook his head and stood up. well, he said, we have things to do. in fact, wait there.

he left the room and i stood there.

i heard his study door open and then soon after it closed and i heard his footsteps returning down the stone corridor and he came back in. he was carrying the pen and inkpot. he also had some papers and the blotter.

it seems a shame, he said, to move now we’re here in the warm. he went to pick up the rest of the plates from the table and i stopped him.

that is my job, sir.

i took them through to the scullery and wiped the table with a wet cloth and then a dry cloth and he put the papers down.

here, he said, pointing to the chair beside him. sit down.

and i did.

where is your book?

i put my hand in to the pocket of my apron and brought out my black leather bible. i put it on the table.

open it.

i did.

read.

the room was silent and the flames of the candles burned and at first it looked as though the small black marks were moving on the page. and so i put my finger under the words and as they stayed still and i started to say them i could feel him leaning towards me and it seemed like he wasn’t breathing. it seemed like he was willing me to read each word.

that night i lay in my room upon my own bed and the other bed was empty.

the air was so cold i could see each breath as it passed out of my mouth. and even though the cold hurt my face and arms and hands and i was shaking with it, i sat in bed with the book and i read by the light of the flame.

in the beginning
.

i have to stop for a while.

i have to shake out my hands and walk about the room.

i have to look out of the window and rest my mind from thinking on all this.

at times to have a memory is a good thing for it is the story of your life and without it there would be nothing. but at other times your memory will keep things you would rather never know again and no matter how hard you try to get them out of your head they come back.

i will continue but in a moment.

the next day i woke early and it was still cold in the house for the cold was in the walls. but it was raining outside and the frost was gone. i went down the stairs to light the fires. i boiled the water and made tea and got it ready to take in to the study only when mr graham got up he came straight in to the kitchen.

are you all right? i asked for his skin looked thin and white as the paper in my book.

i feel a little under the weather, he said, and he sat down heavy in the chair.

can i get you anything? i asked.

no.

i lit the fire in your study so you can shave in there.

i’m fine in here, he said.

you want me to pour the tea? i asked.

no. i’ll do it, he said.

do you want anything to eat?

no. thank you. i just need to be quiet.

then i’ll leave you alone, i said. i poured the flour in to the bowl and added the yeast and salt and some tepid water what i had warmed on the fire and started to work the dough.

he sat for a while then poured the tea and drank half of the cup. he watched me for a while then he stood up. i’ll be back later, he said.

are you seeing one of your old ladies? i asked.

but he never answered. he went out the room quick.

and he left.

i pulled the dough off of each of my fingers and covered the bowl and rested it by the fire to rise. then i made some pastry and got a hare that had been hanging for a few days and i skinned it and cut it up and cooked it in a gravy all morning.

later i went outside and pulled three leeks and they come out easy where the frost was gone. and then i got some potatoes in from the cold store. i stood out the back and saw the light was going and there was still no sign of him.

i boiled the potatoes and leeks and i put the plates to warm for they was cold from the scullery and then i heard the back door open. and he came in to the kitchen.

is it ready? he asked.

few minutes, i said. are you all right?

he clapped his hands together and rubbed them. yes, i’m fine thank you. he sniffed at the air. it smells good, he said. i think we’ll eat in here again this evening.

and so we sat down. but before i put a fork of food in to my mouth he put his hand out to stop me.

we shall say grace, he said.

he closed his eyes and clasped his hands together and he said for what we were about to receive, we should be truly grateful.

i listened to him and thought about the day i’d had and the cooking and the standing in the rain pulling leeks.

why, i asked, do we have to be grateful to god when it was me what went out and picked the food and me what cooked the food?

mary, he said. and he put his hand up to stop me but i carried on.

and it’ll be me, i said, what cleans up after the food.

he laughed. you are nothing but a heathen.

he ate all i gave him then asked for more and ate that. and then he pushed away his plate.

is the fire lit in my study? he asked.

yes. i lit it earlier for i thought you’d be back.

good. will you bring the tea through?

and he went. and so i took the plates out to the scullery first and then boiled the water and got the tray ready. pot, strainer, cup and saucer, jug of milk. the small spoon. all proper. all as i had been taught.

i carried it along and the door was closed. i placed the tray down and opened the door then picked it up again. i took it in and put it down on the desk.

close the door, he said.

i closed it.

sit down, he said.

i sat down.

we’re going to have a lesson now.

now? i said. i ain’t finished clearing up.

you can do that later. come on, where’s your book?

so i got out my book and lay it on the desk in front of me.

where were we? he asked.

you were doing the next few words, i said.

ah yes, so i was. he cleared his throat. come, he said. bring your chair around here. it’s impossible to work like this, where one of us is seeing the text upside down.

and so i picked up the chair and carried it to the other side of the desk and sat by him.

that’s better, he said. now look at the shape. you need to remember it is like a snake. ssssss. start with the pen at the top.

i dipped the pen in the ink and i started at the top and the line curved and there it was. s.

and that is when i felt his leg press against mine and i moved away for there was not enough room behind the desk with the two chairs. only his leg followed and continued to press against mine.

come on, he said. do another. do a whole line of them until your hand will not forget how to do it.

and then i felt his hand drop to my knee.

as i write these words i find i can not breathe and i reach for the window and i try to open it to let the air in but i can not and so i lay my head upon my hands and upon my papers.

i allow my self the comfort of a short dark sleep.

but then i wake and i must continue.

i did not know what was happening or why. and i said to my self do not jump to your feet and start saying anything for this could be just a touch between two people. and if i said anything i would look stupid.

but then his hand started to go up and down upon my leg and i am deeply shamed to say that i did not move.

i did not know what to do.

he said, what is the next letter? he said, concentrate and tell me what this says. and i did not move.

and i told him what the next letter was and the next and then he said i should write them down for to remember them.

and so i did.

and as i did, his hand moved on my thigh and the pen was dipped in the ink and then scratched upon the paper. and i lay down the pen when i had done the letters and i said, now i must go for i have so many jobs, and i jumped up out of my chair.

and i moved the chair back the other side of the desk and i picked up the tray and he said, no. leave it.

so i left it.

i left his study and i closed the door.

that night i could not sleep. i could not close my eyes.

the next morning i was tired and did not want to get out of bed for the cold but also for the reason that i did not want to go downstairs. but i got up and went down in to the kitchen and started the fire and i put the water on. and i went out in to the hallway and i was about to go and clear out the fire in the study and lay the new one, when he came down the stairs earlier than is normal. i did not look up at him but i kept my head down and hurried back in to the kitchen.

and yet he followed.

the water is not hot, i said, and the fire is not laid.

that is all right.

you wait in here, i said, and i’ll go and do it.

and i rushed out to do the fire and i did kneel down and scrape out the ashes and then i laid it with kindling and i did light it and wait till the flames was caught and i put some logs on and then i went down to the kitchen and told him it was lit. and he went in his study.

i boiled water and took it to him and i did his tea and before he could come and eat in the kitchen i took him in his breakfast and closed the door quickly.

and then i busied my self and i was glad that with edna gone there were all her jobs and mine. though there were only two of us the fires burned as many logs and the floor got as dirty.

that day he went out to the church and to visit some people and i made a stew with the turnips and some carrots and put it with the hare what was left and that evening we ate together in the kitchen. and when he finished he said i had to go in his study for we were to have another lesson.

can we have the lesson in here? i asked.

he shook his head. no. all the books are in there.

please. it’s warmer in here.

he stood up. you have to come in to my room, he said, other wise there will be no lesson and then as a result you will not learn to read or write, and i know you want to.

i know what you think.

don’t go, you think. don’t go in to that room.

but i did.

i boiled the kettle and made up the tray. i stood watching the leaves spread their colour in to the water.

i put the lid on the pot. i put the jug on the tray. i put the cup on the tray.

i picked up the tray.

and i took it to his room.

and i closed the door behind me, like he said. and i saw the chair was by his chair round that side. and i went and sat in the chair next to his. and i waited while he opened my book.

ah yes, he said, this is where we are. now i want you to read this whole sentence then you can attempt to copy it out.

and then he brought out an old ledger.

this is yours for writing in, he said. it will be kept in here and you can do all your practising in it. if you continue like this you will soon be able to read and write. you are such a quick learner. you really are doing exceptionally well. right. let’s make a start, mary.

and so i ran my forefinger along under and slowly made the letters in to words and then he showed me how if there is a small dot it divides the words in to sentences. and i said them aloud.

and all the time his hand was upon my leg.

and then i was done with the reading of them aloud and it was time for me to copy it out in to the book. he pushed the inkwell towards me and i dipped the pen in to the ink and let the excess ink fall down in to the well. and i touched the pen on to the paper and i slowly made the letters and the letters made the words. and while i did it he put his other arm about my shoulder. as though it was a shawl warming me.