The Complete Roderick (38 page)

‘How’s the workshop?’ Pa asked. ‘Radio still going?’

‘Yup.’ Roderick picked at the pattern on the quilt.

‘What did you learn today?’

Roderick told him about Father Warren’s hypothetical machine.

‘Well I’ll be damned! Son, if you had a machine that good at reading your mind, you wouldn’t need a mind anyway, throw it away and just use the machine. And vicey versa, throw the machine away and use your mind for a machine. By the way, got another cipher for you, toughest one I ever worked out.’

AAA AAA AAAA AA AAA AAAA AAAA

Roderick looked at it for a few seconds. ‘
Nob gnu jinx’d by dab hand Kurd,
but I think the apostrophe’s cheating.’

Pa was amazed. ‘But how the heck did you –?’

Roderick winked; that is, put a hand over his eye. ‘My secret, Pa.’ It wouldn’t do to tell Pa that he’d peeked at the answer earlier. A little mystery seemed to perk him up, made it seem almost as if he weren’t dying.

He knew Pa was dying. Only the other day the old man had groaned, ‘I’m tired now, son … like to rest a mite …’ and everyone knew what that meant. Besides, Ma was baking a bushel of gingerbread boys every day, and throwing them away every night. Probably she reckoned that the sickness would get drawn out of Pa somehow and enter into the little figures – or maybe she just wanted to keep busy. Either way, Ma was worried.

Only the doctor seemed cheerful. Every day Roderick called Dr Welby up, and every day he refused to come out to the house.

‘He’ll be fine, take it from me. As your family doctor, I can assure you there’s nothing to worry about. That’s off the record, of course. Gotta go now, Judge Bangfield wants me to look over another lakeside propeerty …’ One day Dr Welby had listened to Pa’s heart over the phone and pronounced him strong as a horse.

*

‘Seen her myself, Sheriff, throwin’ ’em away. Hell, if what this Doc Sam says is true, well …’

‘Jake, why don’t you just sit down and shut up a while. I’m tryina find me a game show here, don’t seem to be nothin’ on this thing but news …’

‘Hey, leave it a minute, that’s inneresting, looky that!’ Jake McIlvaney shifted some
Wanted
posters and sat on the counter, staring at the screen.

‘…
essor Rogers is still at large. The drama began yesterday when the professor invited a number of colleagues to dinner. One of them was Dr Coppola, who now takes over the story.’

‘Well he told us it was a leg of pork but I didn’t study anatomy for nothing. Took one look and I said to myself, Ken, something’s wrong. Something’s definitely wrong. So I cut a little tissue sample and took it to the lab, right? So …’

The sheriff pushed a button.
‘… tastes like honey. Looks like honey –
BUT IT’S BEEZEE
…
’

‘Don’t see why they gotta yell at you.’

‘Hey let’s see that Cheesecake Murders thing again –’

‘Shut up, Jake.’

‘… touch the YES button if you prefer a happy ending, touch …’

‘…
appropriations for the top secret super think tank near Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. In this exclusive interview, the head of the prestigious Orinoco Institute told us just what goes on in those clandestinized smoke-filled rooms …’

‘…
behind every car I sell at low-low-
LOW
pri …’

‘…
BITST! BITST! BOP, BOP, BOP
! It’sa treat! It’swhen you eat! It’s 0 so neat! It’s got the beat! It’s itsy, it’s itsy, it’s bitsy, it’s …’

Finally the sheriff turned it off. ‘Hundred and fifty a month I pay for cable, they can’t even get in one damn game show. Now what’s eatin’ you, Jake?’

The story the TV repairman the disc jockey the waitress the sister of the waitress the preacher the barber the deputy the optometrist the lawyer the daughter-in-law of the lawyer the mechanic the butcher the electrician the young woman the nurse the friend of the nurse the carpenter the grocer the sign painter the father-in-law of the sign painter the old man the baker the young man the grandfather of the young man the plumber the doctor the old
woman the druggist the jury the meter reader the cousin of the meter reader the gift stamp redeemer the farmer the clerk the brother-in-law of the clerk the gas station man the teacher the bartender the undertaker the salesman the vet the Rotarian president the dentist the used car dealer the insurance man the chiropractor’s wife the mother of the preacher the waitress the neighbour of the disc jockey the uncle of the TV repairman avoided visited stopped defended complained of was good to liked did fillings on met was close to envied called spoke to was related to disliked spoke to saw loved waved at had known for ages visited convicted revived hated cured befriended listened to helped saw awaited supported smiled at was thick with spurned once ran over admired gave a ride to annoyed barely knew married lived near represented fitted lenses for arrested shaved greeted lived with waited on humoured told got around quickly. No one really believed it but …

Roderick was sitting at the dining-table trying to make sense out of some of the bills. Ma sat opposite, nibbling gingerbread and reading
The Golden Bough.

‘I don’t know, I’ve tried everything. I put a gingerbread boy under his pillow. All he did was complain about the crumbs. Think I’ll give up on gingerbread.’

‘How the heck did we get a thousand-dollar phone bill? All local calls, too, practically.’ Roderick patted his mouth, indicating a yawn. ‘Be glad when my new face gets here, Ma. I mean I really get tired of spelling everything out

A June-bug buzzed in and plopped on the electric bill, which was a final demand. ‘Must be a hole in the screen,’ said Roderick. ‘You know we might clear these up if I quit school and got a job. They’d probably give me a diploma if I asked – Father Warren wants to get rid of me, I think.’

Ma said, ‘I wonder … what if I tried smearing Pa all over with this turmeric paste while he sits on the hide of a red bull –’

‘FBI! Freeze!’ said a voice. Roderick put his hands up.

‘Oh!’ Ma craned around. ‘Agent Wcz, isn’t it? And Sheriff Benson, how nice. But who are these other gentlemen?’

‘Freeze!’ warned Wcz.

‘Don’t I wish I could, weather like this! Well come in if you’re going to, don’t keep letting June-bugs in.’

‘Are we under arrest?’ Roderick asked.

Wcz kept the gun trained on him. ‘Why, what have you done?’

The other men shuffled in and introduced themselves. ‘IRS,’ said one. ‘I’ll take those papers, tin-face.’

‘CIA,’ said a second. ‘Don’t worry about me folks, I have no jurisdiction here, just observing in an observer capacity.’

‘Me too,’ said another man, who gave no initials. ‘You Roger Wood? Just like to take a coupla pictures of you, one full-face and one profile. Hear you been going around posing as a robot, that about the size of it? Just speak into the microphone.’

Before he could answer, another man pushed in. ‘FDA. We’re confiscating those so-called gingerbread men –’

‘Boys,’ Ma protested.

‘Men, boys, everything. We’ll also take all the ginger you got in the house – all the ginseng, too – and what’s this book?
Golden Buff?
Any recipes in here? Cancer cures, looks like a jaundice cure right here, we’ll take it along …’

Pa called down from the top of the stairs. ‘What’s going on? What’s going on?’ But Roderick was too busy explaining that his face was not a removable mask as in
Westworld,
and Ma was trying to argue the FDA man out of taking away her kitchen stove. Pa made his way slowly down the stairs over the next hour, while the men milled about and Sheriff Benson sat in the corner looking embarrassed. The sheriff was the last to leave, saying:

‘Sorry folks, hope this won’t influence your vote …’

Ma went to the door and shouted after them: ‘Okay if we melt now?’

Pa made it to the foot of the stairs. ‘What was going on, Mary?’

‘Nothing, Paul. You go back to bed and get some rest.’

‘Sure, okay.’ It took Pa several minutes to turn around and face the stairs again. Before he started up again, he bent and picked up a scrap of paper.

‘Looks like they missed this gas bill, here – oh my God! Oh!’

Roderick caught him before he fell, but Pa was dead.

‘Come out? For what?’ Dr Welby sounded cross. ‘Look buddy, if you had a bridge hand like this you wouldn’t drop it to go look at
a stiff either. Don’t quote me on that. Look, musta been his heart, thought it sounded tricky the other day … tell you what, I’ll make a note,
I’m doing it now, don’t get excited
… make a note to leave a death certificate in my office, you pick it up when you want. Fair enough? Because you’ll be coming in anyway to pay your bill.’

‘But doctor, it’s Ma. She’s bad, I think maybe she’s gonna die too …’

That’s right, tell her a little grief is only natural, but if she needs any medication, antidepressants

‘But doctor –’

‘Sorry about your dad. But you know, my work is with the living. The plaintive cry of a newborn babe … the tears of gratitude in old eyes that once more can see … the trusting handclasp of a child made whole by surgery … the brave grin of … well, you know. And you
can
quote me on that.’

The next morning brought Jake Mcllvaney to the door with a package. ‘Terrible thing, your Pa and all,’ he said. ‘Yep, just terrible. Boys over at the poolroom was just saying how –’ the big Adam’s apple shifted, ‘– how sudden it was. Real sudden. And your Pa was real respected in this town, you know that? Real respected. Can’t say as he was liked much, but everybody respected him even when they hated his guts.’

Roderick nodded.

‘Yep, well guess you’ll be gettin’ Wally Muscatine to handle the arrangements, eh boy?’

Roderick nodded. Jake came inside and looked around.

‘Good enough, good enough. Because you know Wally’s a real white man, he’ll do your Pa proud. This the death certificate? See Doc Welby signed it, funny thing he was just now saying as how Pa was strong as a horse, only your Ma would keep feeding him with funny pills and all.’

Roderick shrugged.

‘Yep, that’s the way it goes. Oh, here’s your package. Corner kinda got ripped a little there, so I uh seen what it is, it’s a head.’

Roderick nodded.

‘Looks almost real, what I seen of it. What’s it for, anyhow?’

‘For me. It’s kind of a mask.’

‘Oh?’

‘Guess I can’t wear it for a while. I’m in mourning.’

‘
Oh
.’ The Adam’s apple bobbed again. ‘By golly I wondered what you was doing with that black paint all over your face. Didn’t like to ask right out, know how coloured folks get so touchy sometimes. Take that new doc, Doc Sam, you met him? Well he is the touchiest coloured boy I ever did see. All you gotta do is sneeze the wrong way and he gets all uppity, you know? Like we was talking about how your Ma keeps baking these here
gingerbread boys, I asked him if he hadn’t noticed how a lot of kids around town got sick after eating gingerbread boys, right away he got mad! He got mad!’

‘He did?’

‘Well maybe not right away, but see I asked him if he didn’t smell a nigger in the woodpile somewheres,
then
he got mad. Okay, maybe I should of said Negro but hell, it’s just an expression. I just don’t understand you people sometimes. Hell I’m not prejudiced. I even buy Uncle Ben’s rice! And look, I’ll shake your hand any time – any time!’ Jake at once drew on a dirty work-glove and shook Roderick’s hand. ‘There, you see?’

‘A difficult time,’ murmured Mr Muscatine. ‘No use making it more difficult than we have to, eh Roger?’

‘What?’

‘I mean, I hope you’ll want the full funeral. No time to pinch pennies, now, is it? See, by rights I ought to remove your beloved father in a quiet, dignified way. I ought to prepare everything real tasteful: I’m talking a rosewood casket, rosewood on the outside over seam-welded stainless steel, silver-plated handles, you got a choice of linings, nylon or pleated silk. I’m talking a full set of casket clothes, nice English worsted suit, Italian shoes, quiet broadcloth-shirt, underwear, socks and garters – he can either wear his own tie or we can provide one, got a nice one here with the message written sideways see, so you can read it when –’

‘But –’

‘Sure a lot of people think it’s corny dressing them up in new clothes but I like to think of it as, well, like getting married. Only for sure you only do it once.’

‘Well I –’

‘Because see our full package includes everything, floral arrangements, music, enhancement of the appearance, watertight vault, plot in a good location, everything right down to a quality deodorant –’

‘Well see, I’m not sure how much money we have. Ma’s too upset right now to –’

‘Then let’s not worry her, eh? Eh? Way I see it, if you really love someone, you just naturally want them to have the very best. Quality, solid comfort, that’s our motto at MFH.’ Seeing
Roderick scratching his head, he went on quickly, ‘Think of it this way. All his life that sweet old man worked hard to provide something for you and your Ma. Quality of life. Now don’t you think he deserves a little quality of life himself?’

‘Sure only –’

‘Of course you
could
get the Economy job, sure. We
could
come in and drag Pa out of here just the way he is, puke down his pyjamas, neighbours watching his limbs flop around, staring at his dirty toe-nails, how would you like that? Then we squirt in our cheapest embalming fluid, cram his belly full of low-grade cavity filler, pop him in a thin plastic coffin and just dump him in a hole in the corner of the graveyard where it’s all overrun with weeds and crab-grass, ground’s alive with wood lice … but ask yourself: is it really worth it? Saving a few lousy bucks, is it really …?’

Father O’Bride sounded upset. ‘What do you mean, say a few words? Am I supposed to be a toastmaster or something?’

‘No but Father, I just thought you could –’

‘Nuts. Nuts! Look the poor crud wasn’t even Catholic, first of all. You don’t need a priest. Get a minister, maybe the guy over at that new motel church, yeah? The Little Olde Church O’ Th’ Interstate, yeah?’