The Convent (36 page)

Men. Oh don't let me get onto them, Perpetua, or I'll be here
all day!

So much work! And then the dread of finding out that you
were expecting again when you'd hardly got over the last one!
But we were young then and when you're young you find ways
to look on the bright side and have a bit of fun. Evelyn and me
did anyway. Lord we laughed! We'd be doubled up over the table
in the kitchen or the ironing board on a Saturday, me getting the
kids' best shirts ready for Mass in the morning and Evelyn telling
me stories about everything.

Especially after the first three months with the sickness over
and before I got too heavy, we laughed a lot. I think we learnt
how to laugh in the convent. You get a whole lot of girls together
and they're either laughing or crying. Evelyn had seven kids and
I ended up with nine. I had five miscarriages as well; a couple of
them were around three, four months but I didn't mind too much.
There wasn't time to be sorry. You just buried the poor little mite
and said a prayer over the ground and hoped they'd be welcome
in heaven.

Another would be along soon enough. There was no help for
mothers then. We just did the best we could.

You think you'll never cope with another baby but somehow
you do.

So don't you let anyone tell you that life is getting worse! As
far as I can see it's getting better all the time. I'd like to be young
now. I think I'd still have a big family but I'd space them out so
the work didn't get too much. I'd do a lot of things differently if I
had my time again.

I have stopped to read this through and I am ashamed that I
sound so ungrateful. When I think of all the poor people all over the
world with the famines and earthquakes and wars, all the mothers
having to see their children die.

So as a finishing note I must tell you that there has been much
good in my life too. Kev was a good man in his own way. He took
his responsibilities very seriously but every now and again he eased
up and became the lovely shy young fellow I married all those years
ago. I got to know his moods. He came from a hard background
himself and I saw how he suffered.

We rubbed along together for over fifty years and I don't think I
would have been able to do that if I didn't love him. And so that is
what all these years have taught me, Perpetua, that you can go on
loving someone even when part of you hates them. That probably
doesn't make much sense to a young person … yet it is true.

Even now when any of the grandchildren drop by I remember
what happiness is. Dom's girl, Eva, is a darling. She tries to keep
me with it. Oh Granny, she says, get rid of that dress. It's so old-fashioned.
So I do. Then she tells me what radio station I should
be listening to for the music I like, and she helps me fix little things
around the house. She is a sweet girl with a lovely smile. But they
all had to move away and get their education. And I'm glad for
that. I wouldn't wish my life on any of them, Perpetua. Believe
me, it's so much better now. Evie wrote last week and told me that
she is going to teach me how to work a computer. She's going to
bring an old one when she comes up next so that I don't have to
wait until I feel strong enough to walk the extra distance to post
my letters! She tells me that on the computer, which is more or less
like a typewriter, the letters you write just get to their destination
straight away with just a click of a button or something. Well, that
is hard for me to believe, but I told her that I'd try to learn anything
she wanted to teach me.

Kev thought your mother was choosing an unnatural way of life,
all right for others but he didn't want it for his daughter. Well, he
was proved right in the end because she didn't stay. Some would
say that she wasted ten years of her life. But at the time I was so
proud. I knew a lot of those older nuns, you see. To be bringing
my daughter back to enter the convent and be one of them was a
real feather in my cap!

I hope you can make head and tail of this, Perpetua.

My love to you, darling girl,
Ellen

Cecilia

Two weeks later Cecilia saw the girl again.

Cecilia had been sitting outside in the sun for over an hour and was on her second cup of coffee.

‘Hey, Peach.'

‘Det!' The girl looked up from the table she was clearing. ‘What's up?'

‘Nothing.' The pregnant girl's voice was droll. ‘Thought I'd come down and check out the poor slaves in the salt mines.'

‘You want tea?'

‘No, I want strong coffee, but yeah, I'll have tea.'

Cecilia had noticed the pregnant girl before. She always sat in the same place, the table nearest the door. Her head was usually bowed over one of the big fat notebooks she always had with her. She always had a pot of tea in front of her, and sometimes she smoked.

A couple of times the girl had looked up and their eyes had locked. It had been Cecilia who turned away first, but she'd felt safe enough in her sunglasses and hat, and until now she'd not thought anything of it.

‘Anything to eat, Det?' the girl called as she moved away.

‘Yeah.' Her voice was low now and raspy,.‘One of those muffin thingos.'

‘Take-away?'

‘Nah.' After Perpetua had disappeared inside, the pregnant girl looked at Cecilia. ‘Mind if I sit here?'

‘Please do.' Cecilia had a moment of foreboding. The girl's usual place was empty and there were a lot of other unused tables. She found herself being coolly scrutinised by the pregnant girl, who was now sitting opposite.

‘So when is the happy event?' Cecilia forced a lightness she didn't feel.

‘Eight weeks.' The girl's tone was cold.

‘You looking forward to it?'

The girl shrugged and looked away.

They said nothing while one of the young men from inside put the tea and a big muffin in front of her. She heaped the spoon with sugar and began to stir.

‘Great place this, isn't it?' Cecilia began. ‘Are you a local?'

‘I live with her.' Det indicated with her head back to the cafe entrance.

‘Oh.' Cecilia was beginning to feel claustrophobic, which didn't make sense as there was plenty of air. She drained her cup and packed her book into her bag.

‘Her parents are away and so I live in a bungalow.'

‘Sounds … good.' Cecilia tried to smile but panic was gripping her internal organs. Had she given anything away over the days she'd been coming to the convent? Occasionally she'd taken the dark glasses off and refitted her hat.
Oh God.
‘So, just the two of you?' she asked lightly, on the point of standing up.

‘Her sister, too.'

‘Oh?' She couldn't help herself, she was greedy for details. ‘How old is the sister?'

But the pregnant girl didn't reply. She just sighed as though she couldn't be bothered conversing anymore and they both turned to watch Perpetua rush by to collect another tray of used crockery before disappearing inside again. When Cecilia turned back the pregnant girl was still staring at her.

‘I know who you are,' the girl said in a low voice. ‘So don't fuck around with me.'

Stunned by the tone as much as what the girl had said, Cecilia could do nothing but sit and wait for what would come next. Her head was filled with a mass of impossible knots.
Breda had
warned her. And now … caught out! Snooping.
When she looked up again the girl's gaze had moved to Cecilia's hands, to the flat gold ring with the one small deep ruby that Peter had given her. She wore it on her middle finger of her right hand, and she'd never taken it off, except for once when she'd tried to give it back to him.

‘Does she know?' Cecilia asked.

‘Not yet.'

Cecilia nodded. Well, that was something. She stood up, her face hot now with embarrassment. ‘I'm sorry, you must think that I'm …' But she didn't know how to finish the sentence. She would go now before things got worse. Breda was right – if she wanted to contact her daughter, then she had to do it through the right channels and be patient.

‘Why did you give her away?' the girl asked coldly.

‘
What?
'

‘I'm interested.' The girl pointed at her belly. ‘I need to hear something apart from
This will be the happiest event of your life
,' she laughed dryly.

Cecilia nodded and sat down again.

‘Well … I'd been a nun,' she said and then immediately regretted it.
What did that have to do with anything?

‘I know that.'

‘Does she know?'

The pregnant girl nodded and Cecilia laughed to hide her utter dismay.

‘So, no man?'

‘Not really.'

‘What do you mean,
not really
?' the girl barked.

Cecilia would have got up again right there and walked off if it had been anyone else. But the girl was her daughter's friend and her sharp tone was weirdly hypnotic.

‘No man I could count on,' she managed at last, wishing she smoked too so she'd have something to do. ‘I'm sorry, but … even after all this time it's very difficult to talk about.'

The girl nodded slowly.

‘What about family?'

Cecilia bit her lip. ‘I had a family.'

‘But not close?'

Cecilia sighed and closed her eyes and wished that she could be somewhere, anywhere, else.

‘I could have kept her if I'd wanted to,' she whispered. ‘My family would have helped. I just couldn't …' ‘You didn't want her?'

‘I … couldn't see myself with a child.'

The strange girl nodded and looked away, and there was probably a full minute of silence between them where Cecilia felt herself teetering on the edge of some kind of emotional precipice.
Do I
jump now?

‘So now you think I'm a monster?' she ventured softly, trying to keep her voice light.

‘I don't think you're a monster,' the girl said coolly before taking another sip of tea.‘But
she
might.'

‘Yes.'

Of course she would.
Cecilia was filled with despair, coupled with a sudden need to explain herself. ‘I first fell in love with him, her father, when I was still a nun, but of course nothing happened between us until I'd left.'

‘Of course not,' the girl mocked.

‘Please understand the whole business of falling in love with him wasn't what made me want to leave the convent. I know it will sound so ridiculous to someone your age, but I fully intended to stay a nun after meeting him.' The words sounded ridiculous even to herself, but they were true and they'd rushed out of her before she'd had time to think. ‘We'd never been lovers. I would have got over it … him.'

‘Oh you don't need to convince me of that!' The girl smiled for the first time. ‘We excel at that kind of stuff.'

‘
We?
What do you mean?' Cecilia asked weakly.

‘Catholics. Sacrifice and misery and
not
having what we want.' The strange girl was chuckling now as she sipped her tea, her long dirty fingers circling the cup. ‘Both of my parents were full of that shit and look where it got them!'

Cecilia sat back in stunned silence.
So what did happen to your
parents?
was what she wanted to ask but didn't dare. This girl was too sharp, too blunt and too much in control for her liking.

‘So you didn't get pregnant while you were a nun, but you met him then?' she asked.

‘Yes.'

‘I thought it was an enclosed order.'

‘Yes … it was.'

‘So how did you meet him?'

‘I was in France. I was studying over there.'

‘They sent you to
France
?'

‘There was a big international Church conference.' Cecilia smiled as she remembered her own excitement just to be there.

‘So who was he?' the girl said, staring her down through narrowed eyes.

‘I … can't say,' Cecilia stammered. She knew she'd said way too much already.

‘Whatever.' The girl shrugged.

How odd this girl was with her grimy hair and world-weary manner. She couldn't be more than early twenties. Cecilia was reminded of some of the laundry girls she'd dealt with over the years; belligerent, gutsy and tough, they had no use for niceties. Dealing with them was often a battle and in the end, as much as she tried, it was not one she was particularly well cut out for.

‘Are you still a Catholic?' Cecilia asked shyly.

‘No, I'm a visual artist, which is worse.'

‘Ah … what kind of stuff do you do?'

‘Painting. Montage with some photo work.'

‘You work here?'

‘I have a studio up there.' She pointed to the west wing of the convent. ‘Which reminds me that I'd better get back to it. I've got an exhibition happening in a couple of months and there is a lot of work to get done.'

Cecilia watched her stand up, collect her shoulder bag and check her pens. She was frowning as she did up her coat.

‘I … I worked as a photographer for years.' Cecilia was suddenly desperate to keep this girl talking to her. ‘I had an exhibition once in London.'

‘Really?' The girl stopped to look at her again. ‘How did it go?'

‘Most of it sold,' Cecilia said proudly. ‘It was such a good time in my life …' She hesitated.