The Cowards (33 page)

‘That’s not the half of it, Irena.’

‘Hmm?’

‘I mean, I don’t just like you.’

‘Why? Did I do something wrong?’

‘Oh, you know what I mean.’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘You know all right, Irena,’ I said, drawling the words out.

‘No. Really.’

‘You want me to tell you again?’ I said.

She didn’t say anything. All she did was look at me with those big eyes of hers. I could see she was enjoying it though.

‘I’d be glad to tell you again,’ I said.

‘Well, go ahead and say it then.’

‘I love you, Irena.’

She smiled and slowly, very slowly closed her eyes. As if she was really taking it seriously, as if she was trying to show me that, even though the whole thing was only a joke, it was still a very serious matter, while as for me it didn’t seem serious at all, just very pleasant, and if she’d had any idea of who she was really up against she would have said I was a mean fresh kid and walked off.

‘I’m terribly in love with you, Irena,’ I said, as if I meant it from the bottom of my heart and I uncrossed my legs and straightened up.

The serious look suddenly slipped off her face. ‘Danny,’ she said, ‘you certainly do pick wonderful places to make your confessions.’

‘I don’t pick them, Irena.’

‘Well, who does then?’

‘You.’

‘Me?’

‘Every time.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, sure. Because you never have time except when we meet like this. Not for me anyway.’

‘But …’

‘I’d rather talk somewhere else, too. But you never want to.’

She took my hand again the way she usually did at about that point and then looked thoughtful, wondering whether she ought to give me any time this time or not.

‘Danny …’

‘Yes, Irena?’

‘Look, Danny. There just wouldn’t be any point.’

‘That’s what you say.’

‘I know it.’

‘Not for you, maybe. But it would for me.’

‘No it wouldn’t.’

‘It would, too.’

‘No, Danny.’

‘It would, Irena. I know it would.’

‘You just think it would.’

‘Think? I know.’

‘You’re kidding yourself, Danny.’

‘I am not.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘Well, you can say whatever you want to, Irena. All I know is, it would mean something because I love you.’

Just as I said that, Mr Boucek from the post office passed by. I’d been talking pretty loud. Mr Boucek looked at me and grinned. Irena saw him grinning and blushed.

‘Danny, you shouldn’t say things like that so loud.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, it’s just not the kind of thing everybody should know about, that’s all.’

‘You think I care?’

‘Well, maybe you don’t. But I do.’

‘You mean it bothers you that much?’

‘Yes.’

‘Just knowing that I’m in love with you?’

‘No, not that. Just that you say it so loud.’

‘So you don’t want me to say it – is that right?’

‘You can say it as often as you want just as long as there aren’t a lot of people around.’

Aha, I thought to myself, and let out a good long sigh.

‘Oh, stop sighing, Danny, and come along if you want to.’

I didn’t say a word but just started off beside her. We went down Jirasek Boulevard towards the station.

‘You’re going home?’

‘Yes.’

‘What’re you going to do at home?’

‘Oh, lots of things.’

‘Oh, come on. Like what, for instance?’

‘Well, I’ve got to wash out some stockings, and then do some darning …’

‘Oh, that.’

‘Why? What’d you think?’

‘No, I just wondered,’ I said. ‘And when you’re not busy with that kind of stuff, what do you do?’

‘Think about you.’

‘Oh, I’ll bet. That must really keep you busy.’

‘Honest. You can’t imagine how often.’

‘You’re right. I can’t.’

‘When they led you away from the post office on Saturday, I was awfully scared for you and now I wonder if you even deserved it.’

‘Honest, Irena? You mean you were scared they were going to shoot me?’

‘Well, naturally. So then I phoned Mr Rimbalnik and he promised he’d see what he could do for you, and then I just waited and prayed for you.’

‘Really?’

‘Really. Though I’ll bet
you
wouldn’t do that, would you, Danny?’

‘Sure I would.’

‘You don’t have to lie.’

‘But I would. Really, Irena.’

‘Sure, I know. And then Mr Rimbalnik called me back and said they’d already let you go.’

‘And you were glad?’

‘It made me mad that I’d gone to all that effort, because you’re probably not even worth it.’

‘Yes I am, Irena.’

‘Well, that’s what you say. Everybody thinks they’re worth a lot. But whether it’s true or not, that’s something else again.’

‘I’m worth it, Irena. And I’m awfully grateful for what you did.’

‘Well, you should be,’ she said, and suddenly I had an unpleasant feeling that maybe I really was a heel for playing around with her and that maybe she really was a lot better person than I was, worrying about me like that. I just flashed her my Don Juan grin, though, and said, ‘And I am grateful – tremendously. For everything!’

Either I was a real devil or else just a bigmouthed fool. But so what, I thought. So I’m a fool. And if that’s all you are you might as well make the most of it and be a really big fool. Maybe that’s what I am then – the biggest fool in the whole wide world, and as soon as that crossed my mind I felt a big wave of relief, I felt a lot better, and the more I thought of it the more it struck me that it wasn’t me who was such a big fool. No, I was as smooth as they come – a real operator – and if anyone was dumb it was Irena.

‘Now, don’t start exaggerating again,’ she said.

‘I’m not exaggerating.’

‘But please tell me what else you’re so tremendously grateful for.’

‘Just for the fact that you’re who you are, Irena.’

‘I don’t see why you should be so grateful for that.’

‘You’re my reason for living,’ I said.

‘Well, then, your life doesn’t make much sense, does it?’

‘I’ll say it doesn’t.’

‘Well, thanks very much, Danny.’

‘I didn’t mean it
that
way.’

‘How did you mean it, then?’

‘I just mean my life doesn’t have any sense because you don’t love me.’

‘And it would if I did?’

‘Sure.’

‘You poor thing. So the only thing for you to do is to commit suicide – right?’

I changed my tack and went on in a different tone of voice. ‘Irena,’ I said, ‘you’re just making a big joke out of the whole thing, aren’t you?’

‘No. I’m just telling you how things are, that’s all.’

I stopped and let my mouth sag down so I looked really pained. We’d just come to Zizka Park.

‘Irena,’ I said. ‘I can’t help it. I’m in love with you. Really.’

Irena stopped, too. Her expression grew serious. She didn’t say anything.

I waited a second and then added, ‘Tremendously!’

‘I know,’ she said. There was another pause. Then she said, ‘What can we do about it?’

‘I don’t know.’

She studied me. ‘It’s an awful problem,’ she said and went on studying my face.

‘Irena …’ I sighed.

‘Come. Let’s sit down for a minute,’ she said and took me by the hand. We went over to a bench in the corner of the park. It was almost completely hidden under the bushes. We sat down and Irena was still holding my hand. I took her other hand in mine and then laid all those hands in her lap and gazed at her. I gazed and wondered if I looked enamoured enough. Her eyes had their usual earnestness plus just a hint of affection. There we sat, holding hands like a couple of idiots, and just the thought of what she must be thinking made me want to burst out laughing. About how tragic our fate was, because how could she possibly make room in her heart for me when she was already in love with somebody else and in the meantime, as she sat there beside me with her breasts rising and falling under that white-flowered dress of hers, all I was really thinking about wasn’t whether she loved me but whether she’d ever
go to bed with me. She frowned. Little wrinkles formed on her forehead.

‘What can we do, Danny?’ she repeated helplessly. ‘Tell me, Danny, what can we possibly do?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said.

‘But it simply can’t go on like this.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, because it’s senseless.’

‘What – my being in love with you?’

‘No. Not that, but … Danny, I … If only there were something I could do to help you …’

‘That wouldn’t be difficult, Irena,’ I said lewdly.

‘That’s what all the boys think.’ she said.

‘Well, would it be?’

Irena pulled a long, unhappy face. ‘Danny, please. Don’t ask me to do that. I’d do almost anything to make you happy, but not that.’

‘Then how am I supposed to be happy?’

‘There’re lots of other girls around.’

‘But you’re the one I’m in love with,’ I said, and suddenly felt a peculiar sense of responsibility. Christ, though, she was right! There really were lots of other girls and if I’d spent as much energy on them as I had on Irena there was no question about it – I would have made a lot more progress than I ever had with her. God only knew why I’d sunk so much time and effort into a girl that hard to get. It was God’s business to know things like that. As for me, I wasn’t about to give up.

‘I don’t even see those other girls,’ I said.

‘They’re pretty, too, Danny.’

‘Not nearly as pretty as you.’

‘It just seems that way to you,’ said Irena. You could tell she was flattered, though.

‘No, it doesn’t. Look at yourself. You’ll see,’ I said and pulled out a pocket mirror. The mirror trick worked.

Irena laughed and said, ‘Oh, dear,’ and then turned an awfully unhappy face to me, though you could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn’t so sure of herself any more, yet she kept up this act like she was going through a rough inner
struggle, as if she’d love to help me but since she was in love with somebody else how could she possibly – but why not? It would have been easy, the world was full of examples and not just the world – Kostelec, too.

‘Irena,’ I murmured and took hold of her arm just under the elbow. Her arm felt soft and feminine. She drew back a bit and stiffened. I kissed her. Her lips gradually parted and I could feel the tip of her tongue. That really got me excited. Then she pulled back, stood up quickly, and said, ‘Let’s go!’ turned and hurried off. Swearing to myself, I started off after her. Her dress sparkled in the sunshine and the façade of the County Office Building was practically glowing with the heat of spring. We made it to the entrance in no time at all. Irena stopped and turned to me. I could tell she was waiting for me to say something. Though I was still pretty mad, I smiled.

‘Take care of yourself, Danny,’ she said. She held out her hand. I squeezed it.

‘You too, Irena,’ I said. For a while we stood there looking at each other. Then I gave her one last passionate ‘I love you very much, Irena.’

She reacted just like I knew she would – gave me a radiant smile, squeezed my hand, let go of my hand, turned, and ran up the steps without looking back. I turned and moseyed back into town. I wasn’t mad any more. I felt grateful to Irena. Tremendously grateful to her and to all the others, too. To the whole town, to all the pretty girls the town was full of, and to all the guys too – I loved them all. It didn’t even matter that all the girls were so dumb. I loved them all anyway. The houses shone and shimmered in the spring sun, the sky was blue and high above the town, the castle rose with its lilac bushes and curving drive and there were girls everywhere and all these things made life worth living and beautiful. Irena must be home already, I thought to myself, talking to her mother probably but still, in the back of her mind, thinking about me, about how unhappy I must be, since after all she was only a girl and this was a man’s world, a world in which women only served to provide pleasure and delight. I went through the underpass to Jirasek Boulevard and headed home. It still didn’t
look as if the crowds had thinned out any, but the sun hung lower in the sky and it was already late – five-thirty – and I didn’t feel like hanging around outside any more because I didn’t want to run into somebody I knew and spoil the great mood I was in, so I went upstairs and Mother opened the door for me.

‘Shh! He’s asleep,’ she said.

‘Who?’

‘The old sergeant.’

‘And the other one?’

‘He went out for a walk.’

‘Aha,’ I said. ‘Can I have some supper?’

‘Already?’

‘Yeah. I’d like to go out afterwards.’

‘
Now
where, Danny?’

‘Don’t you think you ought to stay home tonight?’

‘Don’t worry,’ I said and opened the door to the bathroom. ‘I’ll be careful.’

Mother went into the kitchen, looking worried. I turned on the faucet in the warm bathroom and washed my hands. Then, with the towel in my hand, I went into the kitchen. Mother was cooking something on the hot plate.

‘What’s for supper?’

‘Potatoes. The Englishmen finished up all the meat at lunch, you know.’

‘That’s all right. Potatoes are fine.’

‘That’ll be enough for you?’

‘Sure. Don’t worry,’ I said, and went back to the bathroom. Suddenly I realized how short I’d been with her, that lately I’d just charged in, said what I needed to, got what I wanted, and taken off again. I realized I was behaving pretty mean towards her. It wouldn’t cost me anything to talk to her a little bit, would it? But I didn’t feel like it and so usually I only talked to her when I wanted something. Which made me feel ashamed of myself. Because I was fond of her. It was just that now there were so many other things and they were more interesting. Irena and Mitzi and the uprising. I wanted to say something nice to her though, just to make her happy and so she’d know how
fond I was of her. I went back into the kitchen and sat down on a chair. It took me a while to figure out what to say.

‘Those refugees are really weird,’ I said finally.

‘I just hope they haven’t brought all sorts of diseases,’ she said.