The Cowards (48 page)

‘Well, let’s go on over.’

‘Will you come with me, Danny?’ she asked.

‘Sure,’ I said.

‘That’s awfully nice of you, Danny,’ she said, and we started off. Idiot, I said to myself. Still, the way she’d said how ‘awfully nice’ it was of me had been like a caress. We started off towards the hospital. Irena walked fast. Neither of us said anything. I noticed how tightly her dress fitted across her hips and stomach and how nice it looked where it came together over her breasts. Beautiful, except they stood out as if they were on display and I couldn’t help thinking that big jackass Zdenek had already sampled them and that that was probably all he was after, and now there she was, beside herself with anxiety – as if, in case he’d kicked off, nobody else would be interested. It was crazy. There I was who would have given anything to be able to sleep with her and practically dying of longing and there she was calmly walking along beside me in that tight provocative dress scared stiff about her dear little Zdenek and absolutely blind to me. Was I any worse or dumber or uglier than he was? God, how I hoped he was dead! If only they’d shot and killed and hacked him up into little pieces, just so you, Irena, would come to understand. But exactly what was she supposed to understand? And I didn’t really wish the guy all that bad. Let him live, and even love Irena – fine. As long as Irena left him for me. But, no, her little soul wouldn’t
let her. That silly, girlish soul of hers said no. I looked at her, at her sweet creamy cheeks and the white ribbon in her hair and she was beautiful. We turned into the hospital yard and went up to the main building.

‘You want me to ask?’ I said.

‘I’ll go myself, Danny.’

‘Yes?’

‘I know Dr Capek, remember?’ said Irena. I should have remembered. But then I was a fool.

‘Well, I’ll wait for you here,’ I said. Irena’s striped dress disappeared through the door and I sat down on a bench in front of the surgery pavilion. It faced northwest and the sun was already high enough to reach the pavilion. I looked up at the western hills, at the edge of the woods and Prague was there beyond it, somewhere in the distance, and that gave me new strength. What the hell, I said to myself, I can manage without Irena and I’ll go off to Prague and play Dixieland and somewhere there’ll be an entirely different sort of girl and I’ll go up to her room with her and she’ll take off her clothes for me and let me touch her and we’ll have an affair and I’ll be able to do whatever I want with her. Yet I sensed it wouldn’t be the same as if I could have Irena now, that nobody would ever really replace her, not even the most beautiful girl in the world, and that I didn’t care about seeing just any naked girl, only Irena, and the only person I wanted to touch and make love to was Irena. I felt awfully depressed. I shut my eyes and my temples ached. I sat there in dull despair for an awfully long time. Then, at first as if from a long way off and then close by, I heard Irena’s voice saying ‘thank you very much’ to somebody and somebody saying he’d telephone her father immediately if anything came up and I opened my eyes and saw her standing with Dr Capek on the steps by the entrance, saying good-bye. I got up off the bench and joined her. She looked at me gravely.

‘Well?’ I asked.

‘Nothing,’ she said in a tragic voice and looked at her watch. ‘Danny, will you come with me?’ The way she looked at me, I would have gone with her for ever and anywhere.

‘Sure, Irena.’

‘I’d like to stop by at his place again and see if maybe he’s come back in the meantime.’

‘All right,’ I said and was all ready to go, but Irena just stood there.

‘Danny, you … you’re not angry at me, are you?’

‘Why should I be angry?’

‘For dragging you around with me like this.’

‘Oh, you’re not dragging me anywhere.’

‘Yes, I am, Danny. I …’

‘Oh, go on, Irena, don’t be silly.’

‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’

‘Irena …’

‘Are you?’

‘Irena … maybe I shouldn’t say this right now, but … well, you know I love you.’

‘I know. That’s why.’

‘Well, so I don’t mind and I’m not angry at all, Irena.’

‘Really?’

‘You know I can’t get angry at you.’

‘Well, then, all right. But then don’t be angry with me and let’s go, shall we?’

‘Sure,’ I said.

‘Come on,’ said Irena softly and soothingly and she stroked my hand and I was happy she was letting me come along with her and I knew I was being an idiot but maybe it was better to be an idiot like this than to be smart. I was glad I was so dumb.

‘Irena,’ I said softly.

‘What?’

‘You love him an awful lot, Irena?’

‘Yes.’

We walked along without saying anything for a while and then I said, ‘Maybe he’s already back.’

‘Oh, God, I hope so.’

Then nothing again, until Irena said, ‘Did anything happen to your friends in the band?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Irena …’

‘What?’

I came out with it. I couldn’t keep it back any longer. ‘Irena … if Zdenek’s been killed …’

‘Danny, don’t say any more!’

‘But you don’t know what …’

‘No, no. I know what you’re going to say.’

‘You don’t either.’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘But you don’t, Irena.’

‘Danny, I know what you’re going to say.’

‘And I can’t say it?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t want you to.’

‘But why?’

‘Because Zdenek isn’t dead and, even if he were, it wouldn’t be fair to him for me to listen to you.’

‘But, Irena …’

‘No, I told you already.’

‘My God,’ I said in despair and I knew I’d say it anyway. So I asked her straight out, ‘Irena, what would you do if Zdenek was dead?’

She shook her head.

‘Irena!’

‘No, don’t ask, Danny, there’s no sense in it. I can’t tell you. And anyway, he’s not dead. He’s alive and healthy.’

‘I know.’

‘Well then.’

We crossed the bridge in silence and walked past the slaughterhouse towards the old power station. Lots of people were out on the street, and here and there you could see guys with rifles. The flags on the houses looked gay and the crowd was in a holiday mood. Sunk in our own problems – and Irena’s were nothing compared to mine – we made our way through the crowd and past the power station, past the spinning mill, up by the high school and then towards the underpass and I remembered that only three or four days before the Germans had brought me the same way and how scared Irena had been
for me then and it seemed a long time ago. We went through the underpass. At Sokol Hall, the custodian and another old codger were hanging up a huge portrait of Benes and all sorts of garlands. I looked down at the sidewalk and saw that, in spite of yesterday’s rain, you could still make out a small red stain. Or maybe it was only my imagination. Why in hell couldn’t it have been Zdenek’s blood instead of Mrs Vasakova’s? We kept on going and turned left on the street leading up the hill to the army cemetery. The street was shady because it was narrow and there were little houses on both sides. Not an awful lot of celebrating going on in this part of town. I looked at Irena and could tell she wasn’t with me at all any more, but all wrapped up in her thoughts about Zdenek.

‘You want me to go in with you?’ I asked.

‘Of course,’ she said and I could see she didn’t really want me to but that she didn’t want to say no to me now after coming this far with her. That’d be a swell revenge, I thought, if I’d stick with her now and pretend I was crazy with relief and joy to find Zdenek still alive and then hang around in his room with them all afternoon. Only it wouldn’t really be any revenge; it’d be idiotic and I’d feel more embarrassed than they would. We stopped in front of a small, yellow, one-storey house and Irena rang the bell. We stood waiting and then heard footsteps shuffling along the hall and the click of a bolt and a wrinkled old woman opened the door.

‘Good morning,’ Irena said sweetly.

‘Good morning,’ the old woman said.

‘Could you tell me, please, has Zdenek come back yet.’

‘No,’ said the old woman.

‘He hasn’t?’

‘No.’

Irena hesitated for a second. Then she said, ‘Could we wait for him?’

‘If you want to, miss,’ said the old woman, and stepped out of the doorway.

‘Come on, Danny,’ said Irena. I went in and said ‘how do you do’ to the old woman, and then Irena opened a door on the left side of the hall and we went into Zdenek’s room. I shut the
door behind me and there we were, alone. It was dark in the room because the brown windowshade was drawn; a dim yellow light poured over the old-fashioned furniture; in the silence you could hear flies buzzing. Along the wall opposite the window stood a bed – brown-painted pipes with brass balls on top, a faded bedspread. A heavy, beat-up, carved, and painted cupboard stood next to the door. Along the wall across from the door was a little wooden marbletop table with a flowered porcelain wash basin on it. Beside the table was a faded plush couch and a wall rack with lots of little vases and figurines of shepherds and shepherdesses. There was a desk by the window with a big photograph of Irena on it and, in the corner, a rubber plant on a stand and, under the stand, grapples and a coil of climbing ropes. In the middle of the room three chairs stood around a table covered with a heavy green cloth. Irena walked across the room and sat down on the couch. I went over and sat down next to her. Neither of us said anything. I looked around the room.

‘Have you been here before?’ she asked.

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s a nice place.’

‘Well, it’s not too comfortable, but I think it’s pretty,’ she said.

After another long pause, I asked, ‘You come here often?’

Irena laughed and you could tell that that little head of hers was practically bursting with memories.

‘Often enough,’ she said, and blushed a little.

‘Doesn’t the landlady mind?’

‘No,’ said Irena.

‘You’re lucky,’ I said.

Irena got up and started pacing around the room. I watched her, thinking how beautiful she looked in her green striped dress and in that dim light that made her face look even sweeter because all you could really make out were her lips and dark eyes. She stopped by the table, picked up a little Buddha, and turned it in her hand.

‘I gave this to him,’ she said softly.

‘Hmm,’ I said, unable to think of anything else to say or do. Irena set the Buddha back down on the table. She opened the
cupboard and stood there in front of it. I saw a few of Zdenek’s jackets and a coiled climbing rope on a hook and a neat pile of shirts and underwear. Irena stared at the clothes, lost in thought. I couldn’t stand it any more.

‘Irena,’ I said.

‘Hmm?’ she said without even turning around.

‘Irena, how’d you meet Zdenek anyway?’

Then she turned, looked at me and said, ‘Why do you ask, Danny?’

‘No reason in particular,’ I said and looked down at the floor. ‘I just wondered.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Well, I don’t know … Danny …’

‘What don’t you know?’

‘You sure it won’t just make you angry or sad again?’

‘No.’

‘Truly?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I’d really like to know. Everything about you interests me. You know that.’

‘I know. But this …’

‘Tell me, Irena. Please.’

‘Well, all right,’ she said, and closed the cupboard and came over and sat down on the couch not too close to me and leaned back. She crossed her legs and her skirt rode up over her pretty knees which I noticed were a little bruised. But she pulled down her skirt right away.

‘It was at Wet Rock,’ she said. ‘Just a year ago. I’d gone over with some friends and we’d climbed Chapel Cliff. You know the one?’

‘Yes,’ I said. But in my eyes Irena didn’t fit at all with Zdenek and his crew with their nature cult and all that sitting around on rocks to watch the sun go down. She belonged indoors, in a kimono and little slippers with pompons made out of bird-of-paradise feathers, lounging around in the bedroom. That’s where she belonged and not all wound up in ropes, dangling over the side of a cliff. I listened to her husky voice which gave away a lot more than just what she was saying.

‘And Zdenek …’ she said, ‘was there with a group from Stare Mesto and they were going up over the Pehr approach to Chapel Cliff. You traverse to the overhang and, from there on up, you have to use pitons.’

‘I know,’ I said, but what I was thinking of wasn’t what Irena had in mind.

‘And I was right under the overhang and Mirek was already up and secured me and, all of a sudden, there was Zdenek up on the traverse and he saw me and he looked at me and then just stared.’

Irena paused for a moment. Then she went on and her eyes had a remote stare now. ‘It was evening but the cliff was still in the sun and the tops of the trees down below were shining and the sky was already completely pink and Zdenek was wearing that leather jacket of his and I looked across at him and I liked him. He had nice wavy hair and it shone in the sun and he was looking at me, too, so I thought – though why, I don’t know – maybe we’ll get to know each other, and then he climbed up and helped the person behind him up too and then looked around and came over to me and said, “Mind if I join you?” Or something like that, I don’t remember any more, it was something like that anyway, and I said, “Well, it was about time you asked, isn’t it?” and I really didn’t mean to put it like that but it just came out like that, that’s all, and then he told me he’d been assigned to work for Messerschmidt in Stare Mesto and I told him I worked at the post office and then we roped together and went for a walk in the woods together and it was nearly two hours before we came back to the …’

Listening to her, I could picture the whole scene – the woods and the tops of the cliffs dripping with sunshine as if it was honey and the deep evening forest and Zdenek leading Irena deeper and deeper into the woods, and then kissing her. The most incredible thing about the whole business was that I also existed then and that all this was going on completely independently of me. I was being bored stiff at a welding course at Messerschmidt’s in the meantime.