The Cowboys Heart: 3 (3 page)

A
fter Jamie had been checked in and out at the
hospital, we returned home – back to my home. Thankfully, Jamie didn’t have any
injuries and hadn’t suffered from hypothermia, which was a small miracle
considering how cold it had gotten last night. According to Jamie, he’d gotten
lost in the woods and his pack with his supplies had fallen down some
embankment, so he salvaged what he could, which is when we’d found him. Thank
God.

I pulled into the driveway, exhaustion settling deep into my
bones. The toll of the past few days weighed on me, and I was grateful it was
over. Jamie was home safe, and right now, that’s all I wanted to concentrate
on. Hudson was in the car next to me. Jamie had insisted on riding home with
his dad, and I didn’t argue.

“I’ll go check in with Richard and the guests, make sure
things are going okay,” Hudson said, reaching for the door handle.

I grabbed his arm before he could get out. “Wait.” I sighed.
Hudson had barely spoken to me since we’d found Jamie and took him to the
hospital. I hadn’t been able to get the look on Hudson’s face out of my mind.
He’d been relieved, but also hurt. He didn’t like having Phillip here, and I
couldn’t blame it. It was awkward.

“What?” he asked, his voice tired.

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Nothing to be sorry about.”

There was a lot to be sorry about, but I wasn’t quite ready
to get into all of that with him right now. I dropped my hand from his arm,
fought back more tears. I was so tired of crying all the time. “Now that Jamie
is home, things will settle down. And I know Phillip won’t stick around.”

Hudson surprised me when he leaned over and kissed me
unexpectedly. “I love you, Heather, and I will be here for you. Always. But
right now, you need to go take care of your family stuff.” With that, he got
out of the car and slammed the door.

I cringed, and then opened the door to go after him.
“Hudson!”

He turned and looked at me just as Phillip and Jamie pulled
in, their headlights momentarily blinding me.

“You’ll be here tonight, right?” I hoped he heard the pleading
in my voice, the unspoken question I was asking. I needed him to be with me
tonight, to hold me like he had last night.

“Do you want me to be?” Hudson asked, his gaze darting
toward Phillip then back to me.

His words cut deep, made me question everything I thought I
knew about us and this relationship. “Yes, of course I do,” I whispered.

He gave one curt nod. “Then I’ll be here.” He smiled tightly
then walked away.

I blew out a breath and gave my attention to Jamie. “Hey,
kiddo, how’re you feeling?”

“Hungry,” he said.

I laughed and put my arm around his shoulders. “Then let’s
get you something hot to eat. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll make sure
you get it.”

“Pizza sounds good.” It was his favorite, and I should’ve
known he’d ask for that. As we made it to the porch, Jamie stopped and looked
over his shoulder. “Dad, you coming?”

My heart sank, and the tips of my ears burned hot. The
seconds ticked by. Phillip rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his,
while Jamie’s eyes filled with hope.

“Mom?” Jamie asked.

I sighed. “C’mon, Phillip. You can stay for dinner,” I said
reluctantly, knowing it was going to upset Hudson. But what could I do? I
couldn’t tell Jamie no. He’d just run off again, and we’d just gotten him back.
I had a sinking feeling this is what it was going to come down to – choosing
between Hudson or making my son happy.

Once inside, I got Jamie settled on the couch, then I
ordered a few pizzas.

“Uh, thanks for letting me stay for dinner,” Phillips said,
rocking on his heels. “I need to call home, so, I’ll just step outside.” His
entire demeanor was apologetic and nervous. I was too tired to care or analyze
anything. I simply nodded.

“Jamie?” I went to the living room and sat beside him. He
was flipping through TV stations. “Why’d you do it?” I asked. “Why’d you run
away?”

He clicked off the television and turned to face me. “I
heard Hudson talking to Grandpa.”

“I know. I got your note.” I frowned. “But why didn’t you
just come to me? You know you always can, no matter what.”

Jamie looked down, fidgeted with the blanket he’d draped
over his lap. “Because I know you love him, and I know you’d say yes to his
proposal. And I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to marry anyone besides
Dad.”

I bit on the inside of my cheek to stop from crying again,
but it was useless. Tears pooled in my eyes. “Jamie…” Until this moment, I
hadn’t fully realized just how hard this divorce had been on him, how much he’d
been struggling. I was sure his father’s lack of involvement in Jamie’s life didn’t
help, but forcing him to move out here, see me falling in love with another man
– it was all too much for him.

I wiped at my eyes. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I didn’t realize…”

He shrugged, kept his gaze down.

I had no idea what to say to him right now. His feelings
were crystal clear – He wanted me and his father to get back together and he
wouldn’t be happy with anything else. How could I give that to him, though?
Both of us had moved on with our lives. I was in love with Hudson. Besides,
it’s not like Phillip was banging down my door to win me back or anything. I
patted Jamie’s leg then stood, knowing this wasn’t something we could resolve
in a single conversation.

“Mom?” he said.

“Yeah?” I stopped in the doorway between the living room and
kitchen.

“My birthday is in a few days.”

I smiled. “Yes, it is.” Since the divorce, Jamie and I had
made a big production of his birthday. I’d let him take the entire day and do
whatever he wanted, go wherever he wanted. The only catch was that he had to
spend the day with me. Before or after, he could be with his friends, but the
day of his actual birthday was mine.

“I know what I want to do this year.”

“What’s that?” It eased my worries to know he was thinking
about his birthday and not who his mom might or might not marry.

“I want to spend the day with you and Dad. I want him to
stay here with us for a few days.”

My eyes widened, and my breath caught in my throat. “I don’t
think so, Jamie. That’s not a very good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because your father and I aren’t together. He has a
girlfriend back home, remember? I’m sure she won’t like it if he stays here
with us. Not to mention there’s Hudson. He’s staying here to help with the dude
ranch and the guests.” As much as I hated to disappoint son, I could not give
him this. It was too much of a bad idea. In two days’ time, Hudson had already
started to pull away and distance himself. I couldn’t imagine what would happen
if Phillip stayed here for a week.

“Please, Mom,” Jamie begged. He flung the blanket off his
lap and stood. “It’s the only thing I want. Just until my birthday, and then he
can leave the day after. But he actually came out here, and I want him to
stay.”

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose between my
fingers. I hated it when Jamie begged like this, especially for something he
knew he couldn’t realistically have. I also knew how much this meant to him. It
was a big deal that Phillip had come all the way out here, and he was making an
effort to be more engaged with his son. Who was I to now tell him he had to
leave, that he couldn’t spend time with Jamie? We’d both almost lost him,
suffered the same scare.

“Mom? Please?”

“Fine,” I reluctantly said, “but it’s only for a few days,
and this doesn’t mean anything, Jamie. You need to know that. It doesn’t change
anything.”

He nodded, but I could see the hope in his eyes.

“What doesn’t change anything?” Phillip asked when he walked
back in.

“Mom said you can stay, Dad!” Jamie said excitedly. “You can
stay here, with us, for my birthday. Isn’t that great?”

Phillip gave me a look of shocked disbelief. I rolled my
eyes, but something I thought had been buried surfaced, it fluttered in my
chest. It was that exact look he’d given me so many times during the best
moments of our marriage. “I have plenty of extra rooms,” I said. “I’ll get you
set up in one after dinner.”

Thankfully, I was interrupted by the ringing doorbell. The
pizza was here. Unfortunately, I was once again not hungry. After paying the
delivery guy, I texted Hudson to let him know there was hot food and he was
welcome to join us. He didn’t respond.

***

I was in my bedroom, brushing out
my hair after a hot shower, when there was a soft knock. My heart leapt into my
throat, and I answered the door slowly. “Hudson,” I said with relief, wrapping
my arms around his neck.

He hugged me back, kicked the door closed behind him, and
then kissed me. Hard. I melted against him, welcomed him. He walked me toward
the bed, and we fell onto it, him on top of me, his thigh pressed between my
legs. I moaned and ran my fingers through his hair. God, I’d missed him. Even
though he’d been by my side every moment the past two days, it was like he’d
been gone.

“Hudson…” He moved from my mouth and kissed along my jaw and
down my neck. There was so much passion and need in his touch, it threatened to
burn me alive. I wasn’t sure I could survive it.

“God, Heather…” He groaned and slid his hand up my
nightshirt, his large, deft fingers finding my breast. “I need you so much
right now.”

I closed my eyes and arched into his touch. I needed him,
too, more than I realized. Everything about him, about this, felt right. It
wasn’t complicated or awkward. It was comfortable and familiar and so hot. He
could set me ablaze with a single touch, something Phillip had never been able
to do. I froze at the thought of my ex-husband. Crap. I had to tell Hudson that
Phillip was here. But this didn’t quite seem like the right moment to do that.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have to worry about it, because
Phillip’s voice came from the hallway, carried through my closed bedroom door.
Hudson pulled away from me and gave me a questioning look. I cringed, and
that’s all it took for him to climb off me and sit at the end of the bed. He
hung his head, dragged his hand through his hair.

I crawled across the bed toward him and wrapped my arms
around him, resting my head on his back. “Hudson.”

“He’s still here?”

“Yes,” I whispered and licked my lips. “Jamie begged me to
let him stay for a few days, just until Jamie’s birthday next week.”

Hudson remained still, not returning my affection or saying
a word. I knew he was upset, and I hated it, but it’s not like I was in the
best position. I needed to do what I thought was best for Jamie, and right now
that meant allowing him to have his father nearby. Surely Hudson could
understand that.

“Where’s he staying?”

“In the guest room on the third floor.” It was an old room I
hadn’t planned to use for anything, but it came in handy right now. It wasn’t
far from Jamie’s room, but far enough from me so as not to cause any issues.

When Hudson still didn’t say anything, I leaned around and
kissed his cheek. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

He sighed and pulled me around so I was on his lap. “I’m not
mad at you.” He kissed me deeply, making me forget about everything but him and
how soft his lips were, how strong and warm his arms were. “But I don’t like
the idea of your ex being in the same house with you.”

I ran my finger across his lips and kissed him again. “I
know. But you don’t have anything to worry about, Hudson. I love you. In fact,
you can stay here, too, if you want.” I smiled seductively, which earned a
chuckle from him.

“Well, I’m certainly staying tonight,” he said, a wicked
gleam in his eyes.

My breath caught and my heart raced. “Good, because I need
you, Hudson. More than you know.” Then I was lost to his kiss again, blocking
out everything but him and our mutual need.

T
he next couple of days flew by in a blur. The
dude ranch skyrocketed much faster than any of us anticipated. We’d hired two
new employees just to keep up with the demand. Hudson worked from sunrise to
sunset making sure things were going as they should, checking on guests,
teaching riding lessons, caring for the horses. I really don’t know how I
could’ve managed without him. He hadn’t spent another night with me since we’d
brought Jamie home, , but I knew it was because Hudson had his own home and
ranch to care for, too, and it didn’t have anything to do with his feelings
toward me, but it was still hard not having him around all the time.

Jamie was recovering well and spending a lot of time with
his dad, which made me happy. It made Jamie really happy, too, happier than
he’d been in months. But, that led to me spending quite a bit of time with the
two of them as well, which at first was awkward, but now it just felt normal.
We’d have breakfast together, clean up together, and watch the morning news
together. Oddly, it was better now than it had been during our marriage.

Yesterday, we’d gone to the grocery store together, all
three of us. Phillip and Jamie had a shopping cart race in the parking lot, and
that left me laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I liked seeing Jamie so
happy, and doing so many familiar things with Phillip again – It unsettled me.
It’s like we hadn’t fallen out of love and he hadn’t cheated on me and we
hadn’t gone through a yearlong nasty divorce. But when I left myself relax and
get comfortable, my thoughts would wander to Hudson and to the fact that
Phillip had a young girlfriend at home. Nothing about this was right, despite
feeling that it was.

Yet, more than once, I found myself wondering if my decision
to divorce Phillip had been the right choice. I’d been so angry and hurt, I
hadn’t ever given him a chance to apologize or make things right. Maybe if we’d
gone to counseling, we could’ve saved our marriage. But I hadn’t even
considered that as a possibility. I found out he was cheating, and the very
next day I was meeting with a divorce lawyer.

I had been known to be impulsive before. But to think that
might have contributed to tearing my once happy family apart tore me up inside.
I shook the thoughts from my head. No matter what I did, Phillip had started it
when he slept with another woman. I didn’t have all the blame in this, and I
wouldn’t let myself fall back into the trap of thinking that way.

“Mom, we should take Dad on a horseback ride around the
property. Maybe have a picnic or something,” Jamie said.

I took a deep breath. That’s what Hudson and I had done
shortly after we met. Took a nice ride, had a romantic picnic. That was a
special memory I had with him. I couldn’t rewrite that by doing the same thing
with my ex-husband.

“That actually sounds like a lot of fun,” Phillip said with
a smile.

I groaned. With both of them agreeing, I knew there was no way
I’d win this argument. Sighing, I nodded. “All right. I’ll go talk to Richard,
see if there are enough free horses for us to use today.” I prayed there
wasn’t. It would give me an easy out.

“Cool. Dad and I will pack a lunch,” Jamie said.

Despite my annoyance, I smiled. All I’ve ever wanted was for
my son to be happy, and now he was. So what if I wasn’t? Isn’t that what being
a parent meant? Putting your own happiness and desires aside so you could give
to your child? I wiped down the counters then headed outside to talk to
Richard. I was pleasantly surprised to find Hudson in the barn with him. He
smiled when he saw me.

“Hey you,” he said.

“Hey.” I smiled and stepped into his arms, welcoming his
kiss. I missed him, missed his smile and his touch. And now that I was here
with him, I really didn’t want to go on that ride and picnic with Phillip.

“What brings you out here?” he asked, not releasing me.

I hugged him a little tighter. “Jamie wants to take his dad
on a ride around the ranch, and I got roped into going because I know the
property. And I’m the only one of the three of us who knows how to ride
properly.”

Hudson frowned and his body stiffened. God, I hated this,
hated doing this to him, making him feel like I didn’t care. “I can help
Richard get three horses ready for you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, reluctantly releasing
him.

“No, it’s okay. I need to keep busy.” He turned his back on
me and began talking with Richard about which horses would be best for us to
take.

My heart broke. I reached out and touched Hudson’s back,
rubbing it for a moment, hoping he’d turn back to me, but he didn’t. I let my
hand fall to my side with a thud. “Just let me know when they’re ready,” I said
softly.

I just made it to the barn door when I felt Hudson’s hand on
my arm. He spun me around to face him. “Shit, Heather. I’m sorry.” He hugged me
and kissed the top of my head. “I just hate knowing you’re spending so much
time with him, but I’m trying to be reasonable. I know you’re only doing this
for Jamie.”

I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek to his chest, my arms
wrapped tightly around his waist. That’s what I kept telling myself, too – that
I was doing this for Jamie. And I was. But is that the only reason I was doing
it? The conflicting feelings I had toward Phillip were unsettling me, making it
hard to sleep and concentrate. Hudson was so wonderful, but Phillip was once,
too, and he seemed to be that way again.

“Can I have you to myself tomorrow?” he asked suddenly,
holding me out so he could look at me.

“Yes,” I said instantly. The thought of having an entire day
with Hudson made it easier for me to get through today. “What do you have in
mind?”

He grinned in that way that made my knees weak. “Let me
worry about that, baby,” he whispered right before he kissed me. But we were
interrupted by the sound of Phillip and Jamie coming our way. I groaned in
frustration.

“So, are we doing this?” Jamie asked, his tone and look cold
toward Hudson.

I sighed and nodded. “Yes, Richard is getting the horses ready
right now.”

“I’ll go see if he needs help,” Hudson said. “Don’t forget.
Tomorrow, you’re all mine.” He said this last part low enough so only I could
hear him.

“Only tomorrow?” I teased.

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a teasing smiled. “Not
if I have my way.” Then he was walking away. I blew out a breath, sad that I’d
seen more of him walking away these past few days than anything.

Ten minutes later, me, Jamie and Phillip were on our horses
and I was showing them around the property. Phillip seemed genuinely
interested, which was a shock. Even Jamie piped up and shared stories of when
we first moved here and how he’d explored, hoping he’d find something that
wasn’t super lame. We had a good laugh over that. As the day progressed, the
tension seeped out of me, and I actually found myself having a good time.

And I had a hard time feeling guilty about that. Even though
I should, knowing Hudson was back on the dude ranch we’d started together. I’d
left all the work to him this past week, and that wasn’t fair. I would really
have to make it up to him once Phillip left. If Phillip left. A warning in my
gut told me he wasn’t going to go so easily, and if he did, chances were good
Jamie would be going with him.

“Can we stop here and eat lunch?” Jamie asked as we came
upon the pond, the same place Hudson and I had picnicked.

“Sure,” Phillip said without waiting for me to answer.

We dismounted and tied the horses to the tree while Jamie
spread the blanket and unpacked the basket. They’d done a good job putting
together a variety of foods that I’d had in the house. It actually looked
delicious, and on cue, my stomach growled.

Phillip looked at me and grinned. “You always did have one
hell of an appetite.”

I playfully swatted at him, remembering all those times he
used to tease me about how loud my stomach growled. Once again, I was hit with
the intense, overwhelming feeling that I’d been wrong to divorce him. I shoved
it back down deep into my mind and focused on the here and now. What I did in
the past is done, and I can’t change it. All I can do is focus on the future.
But I was left wondering which man would be in that future: Hudson or Phillip.

We made small talk during lunch, and when Jamie got up to
feed some carrots to the horses, Phillip nudged me with his shoulder. “This is
nice, isn’t it?”

“Yes. I love it here. It’s so peaceful and relaxing,” I
said, looking out over the pond.

“That’s not what I meant, Heather.” His stare penetrated me,
but I refused to meet it, refused to acknowledge that he might be having the
same thoughts and doubts and feelings as I had been this past week. “I mean
this. You. Me. Jamie. It’s like nothing bad ever happened, like we’ve been this
perfect happy family.”

“But we’re not, Phillip,” I said a little harsher than I meant
to.

“No, but…”

“Hey, Dad, come look at this!” Jamie shouted. I could’ve
jumped up and kissed him right then for his interruption. I didn’t want to hear
what Phillip was going to say. I didn’t need to. I had an idea of what he was
going to say, and it wasn’t something that should be said between us. Ever.

While Jamie and Phillip looked at God knows what near the
pond, I repacked the basket and folded the blanket. The sky was turning dark,
which meant it would probably rain soon, and I didn’t want to be caught out in
it. When Phillip and I were first married, we’d taken a walk and got caught in
a flash rain storm. We were soaked by the time we’d crossed the street to take
refuge under an awning. I’d been shivering uncontrollably and Phillip had given
me his jacket. Even though that was soaked too, it had warmed me. So did his
kisses, which were intense, like he couldn’t ever imagine a life without me in
it.

“Hey, you okay?” Phillip asked, jerking me from my thoughts.

“Yes. It’s going to rain. We should head back.”

“Oh, okay. I was thinking. Maybe we could take Jamie out to
dinner tonight. Just the three of us.” I knew he was trying to be nice about
saying he didn’t want Hudson around.

“We’ll see,” I said absently. I really, really needed to
spend the day with Hudson tomorrow. It would, hopefully, put my feelings back
into perspective, because right now, I had no idea what I felt about either of
the men in my life. All I knew was that things with Phillip felt right. There
was no other way to describe it. He completed me and Jamie, made us a family.
And I was terrified that Hudson would never be able to fill that role, and that
broke my heart for so many reasons.