The Dance (14 page)

“Oh my god, I love Will. I don’t know why I said . . .”

Joanne reached out and placed her hand on my arm in an attempt to calm me. “Bryson, it’s okay. Admitting that you aren’t completely fulfilled doesn’t make you a bad person. Nor does it mean you don’t love Will. You obviously do or you wouldn’t be here trying to improve your relationship.”

“Will is very old-fashioned. His father worked and his mother stayed at home to raise him and Alex. He wants our children to have the same type of upbringing.” I paused and then blurted out, “We lost our baby a little over a year ago.”

Sympathetic blue eyes looked at me. “I’m so sorry. Losing a child is one of the most horrific things a parent can go through.”

Tears filled my eyes. “After the baby . . . um . . . Will started pulling away. I haven’t been able to get pregnant again.”

“Has Will been treating you differently since the baby?” Joanne’s voice was calm and soothing.

I nodded. “He started getting home later and later. Even when he was home he worked in his office most of the time. I think he looks at me as damaged goods.”

The air in the room was stifling. I wanted to tell her about the cyber-sex and what I’d found on Will’s computer. I closed my eyes, searching deep inside for the courage to say the words out loud.

“Bryson?”

“I caught Will masturbating in front of his computer.”

Joanne remained silent. Not because she was in shock or judging. Now that the floodgates had opened she didn’t want to stop the flow.”

“The night I saw him, we had a bad argument about not being able to get pregnant. I went to his office to apologize for my part. When I opened the door, I saw a naked woman on the screen touching herself while Will touched himself.”

By the end of my admission my entire body was on fire and trembling. Tears coated my face. Plucking several tissues from the box on her desk, Joanne handed them to me, letting me recover for several minutes before speaking.

“Was this a one-time incident or do you think he does it on a regular basis?”

“I don’t want to believe he does it on a regular basis. But every time he goes into his office or I see him carry the laptop out the door, I wonder. He admitted to getting on this one website, Virtual Life.”

“I’m familiar with it.”

“He said he gets on it to play games. But I looked it up and there’s more to it than just innocent games.”

“Have you noticed a change in your sexual activity?”

I nodded. “He doesn’t act that interested and the last few times we’ve had sex, he’s not been able to . . . I thought it was the stress of not being able to conceive.”

“Men are visual creatures so it’s not unusual for them to be drawn to those sites. With technology making things convenient, they’re like kids in a candy story, with access 24/7. Some couples even enjoy watching the occasional movie. And if it’s something both partners like then that’s their choice. But when one partner engages on a regular basis, especially in secret, then there’s a problem. Has he physically had sex with other women?”

“He said he hasn’t.”

“Do you believe him?”

“I want to but I already feel like he’s cheated on me.”

“Men and women view this subject very differently.” Joanne grabbed my hand, giving it a slight squeeze. “I want you to know this isn’t unrepairable. It takes work from both partners but it’s doable.”

The time with Joanne left me drained but hopeful. It felt good to confide in someone without fear of judgment. She knew how upset and embarrassed I was that Will never showed, but told me to give him the benefit of the doubt until I heard his reasoning.

“I forgot.”

Will was in the kitchen making himself a sandwich when I got home from the counseling appointment.

“How could you forget? It was on your calendar. I reminded you for two days. Not to mention the fact that I said, ‘See you at the counselor’s later today’ as you walked out of the house this morning.”

He stopped making the sandwich and turned to face me. “I swear to god, I’m sorry.” Sincerity filled his eyes. “Dad called me into his office late this afternoon to discuss a big project and the appointment flew out of my head.”

Will looked genuinely apologetic. A quality I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I was glad Joanne talked me into giving him a chance to explain before I jumped to conclusions and got pissed off. In the end having her all to myself for the hour worked out well.

“I made another appointment for next week, same day and time.”

“Okay, I promise I’ll be there. I really am sorry, Bryson.”

Gee, two sorrys in less than five minutes. That’s a new Will record.

“You want me to make you a sandwich?” he said.

I blinked a couple of times, surprised by his offer. Will wasn’t a total dick but he’d never been a very thoughtful person. The simple gesture convinced me there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And we’d get to it . . . together.

During the next week it felt like the old Will and Bryson had moved back into our house. I tried to put into practice what Joanne suggested by not looking at Will through suspicious eyes. After dinner he didn’t immediately go into his office and one night we even went out to the movies. When the second appointment day came I walked into Joanne’s office with a completely different attitude than I had the week before.

Will was ten minutes late. As usual work was the excuse of choice with traffic being added on for extra emphasis. But I chose to focus on the positive. He kept his promise and made it to the appointment.

“It’s nice to have the three us of here,” Joanne said through her ever-present warm smile.

A loud ding cut through the tranquil office. Without hesitation Will grabbed his phone and read the text. My gaze darted over to him at the other end of the small sofa we were sitting on. A twinge of suspicion mixed with embarrassment hit my stomach. He was totally oblivious as to how rude he was being.

With a gentle soft tone, Joanne said, “Will is everything okay?”

His eyes stayed focused on his phone. “Yeah, why?”

“We haven’t started yet and you seem distracted.”

“Just work stuff.”

“I understand but I have a rule, cellphones must be turned off during a session.”

“I didn’t know that. How about I put it on silent?”

“I’m sorry, Will, but I’m going to have to ask you to turn it off completely. Even on silent the buzzing from texts and voicemails is distracting. It will only be for an hour.”

Will looked at Joanne as if she had two heads growing out of her neck. Reluctantly he powered down his phone, cringing as it went dead.

“Thank you, Will. I appreciate you doing that. I want to do a communication exercise with the two of you today. Many times when a couple argues, they get so wrapped up in wanting to get their individual comments out they don’t listen to their partner. You’ll each have a chance to ask the other one a question. While the person answers you can’t comment. You listen and really hear what they have to say. Once they give their answer you’re allowed one follow-up comment/question. Understand?”

“Yes,” I said.

Will nodded.

“Okay, ladies first. Bryson, what would you like to ask first?”

Without looking directly at Will, I said, “I’d like for him to explain exactly what he does in his office at home.”

I knew it was a difficult question to start with but how Will spent his time in that room was a major concern. I’d told him before we got here today that Joanne was aware of what I’d seen.

Joanne turned her gaze on Will.

He cleared his throat. “I work.”

A slight huff escaped me at hearing his answer.

“Would you elaborate a little more, please?” Joanne said.

“You really want a detailed description of my job?”

“The point of the exercise is twofold. We want to create an environment in which you feel safe to speak without fear of being interrupted and also give your partner the opportunity to really listen to what you have to say. It’s difficult to work on communication if your answers are general and monosyllabic.”

Will blew out a deep breath. “I supervise the construction of various projects—working with the client and architect, the budget, the hiring of subcontractors. I also go out and obtain new clientele.”

“Bryson, you have one follow-up comment/question?”

“Besides work, how else does he spend his time in that room?”

Joanne and I both looked at Will.

He focused straight ahead. “I don’t know what she’s asking.”

Joanne gave me a slight nod indicating I could ask my question again.

“I want to know what other activities besides work take place in that room?”

“Um . . . I play solitaire . . . and um . . . I don’t know . . . occasionally I’ll get on a couple of gaming sites, listen to music, or mindlessly surf the net. It helps me destress.”

I couldn’t believe Will wasn’t coming clean on the screen slut incident. He knew I knew. He knew Joanne knew. He knew what a huge problem it was for me. A problem we needed to deal with openly and honestly.

Not wanting to push Will into becoming defensive, Joanne shifted focus.

“Okay, Will, what would you like to ask Bryson?”

“Nothing.”

How in the world did he not have at least one question he’d been dying to ask me? Just because the last week seemed like old times, didn’t mean things between us were fixed.

“Are you sure?” Joanne asked.

He nodded.

“Okay, Bryson, do you have another question?”

Deep down I knew it was going to be up to me to bring up Will’s extracurricular porn activity. I was hoping he’d man up and admit it, save me from the embarrassment and shame of asking the question out loud.

“I’d like to know how often he uses porn to get off.”

My insides quivered as I waited for Will to digest my words.

“What the fuck kind of question is that?” There was a bite in his tone.

I focused on the painting of a beach scene that hung above Joanne’s desk as I felt Will’s gaze burn into me. Was he delusional? He had to know this topic would be brought up.

“I’m not sitting here for this shit,” he snapped.

Joanne attempted to diffuse the situation before it escalated further. “Let’s stay calm and address this in a reasonable way. Bryson has every right to ask that question. It’s obviously something that’s been on her mind. Will, I don’t want you to feel attacked, though.”

“Too late for that. I’m done. I took valuable time out of my work day to come here. And you’re accusing me of being some sort of pervert.”

“Will, why are you acting this way? You knew we needed to talk about this,” I said.

Joanne stepped in. “No one used that word or even implied it. It’s not unusual for men or women to seek out those types of sites.”

“Okay then . . . I get on porn sites. What of it? I’m a red-blooded male. I’ve been doing it ever since middle school.”

The fact that he’d started getting on these sites at such a young age stunned me.

“Will, do you feel these sites have impacted your marriage?”

“Listen, let’s not make this a big deal. You said it yourself, its normal. I’m not going out and having an affair for Christ sake.”

Tears began to pool in my eyes. “It feels like you are to me, though.”

“Will, look at your wife. What’s your reaction?”

“I don’t like it when she cries.”

“Bryson, what would you like Will to do?”

“Stop looking at porn.”

Focusing back on Joanne, he huffed. “Why? I’m not hurting anyone.”

“You’re hurting me,” I whispered.

“Both of you have a responsibility in this relationship. If your actions hurt your partner then it’s your job to decide what you’re going to do about it.”

“Jesus, if it bothers you that much, I’ll stop.”

Will and I looked at each other. I could see the struggle in his eyes. His hesitation cut right through me.

During the weeks that followed there was a noticeable improvement in the way Will and I interacted. At first it was awkward and at times felt forced. I worked hard on not holding a grudge about the porn. Will vowed to me during each session with Joanne that he was no longer using it to destress. Instead, he’d added a couple more days in the gym. Will explained that at this point in his life it was more the mindlessness of the activity that drew him to the sites and not because our sex life was lacking. As the holiday season came and went, my trust began to grow again. The last four months had been rough but with the new year, it felt like we were finally back on the path toward our fairy tale.