The Dangerous Book for Demon Slayers (3 page)

My breath caught in my throat.
He was going to flunk me before I even
got started
. "Everything in there is
true
," I insisted.
"I did make it to the second level of hell and back."

He lobbed me a patronizing glance as he rifled through my stack of paper,
ripping off the pink "anti-demonic practitioner" copies. "You
weigh one-ten?"

I felt the color creep into my cheeks. "I did in high school."
After I'd had mono.

He made a notation on the form and handed me my packet. "Step outside
the metal door to test area 3A and wait for your examiner."

The metal door opened into a long, narrow yard fenced in with gray cinder blocks.
The hot desert sun warmed my face and I could smell the acrid remains of magic
in the air. The walls reached at least two stories high and I wondered why they
didn't enchant the yard like they had the front of the building. Then again,
maybe they had. Unease settled over me. The cinder-block enclosure might not be
there to keep random people out, as much as it was to keep creepy things in.

White stenciled markers divided the lot into three distinct sections. I
walked through the sand of test area 1A and tried not to think too hard on the
small jets of steam erupting like minigeysers. I edged past the dug-out water
pit (I wouldn't call it a pool) that was test area 2A and made it to an expanse
of blacktop pavement with what looked to be ancient runes carved into the
surface.

Harleys rumbled on the other side of the wall. I wished I could scale the
thing and join them, even if it meant watching Ant Eater ride in that too-tight
red leather halter top.

Just to have something—anything to do—I counted my switch stars.
Five. The same as there were on the way over here. The same as I had this
morning. Five.

I usually carried five, mainly because they fit comfortably on my utility
belt. Heaven knew if that was the correct number. I supposed I'd find out.

I was about to check out a trench that ran along the outside wall when
something down there growled.

I took three steps back, thought about it, and took two more.

Times like this, I wished for my old life back. I'd kept a tidy condo, a
10:00 P.M. bedtime and a secret stash of Junior Mints for when I felt naughty.
My adoptive parents and I tolerated each other from noon to 1:30 P.M. every
other Sunday, and I never, ever had to worry about she-demons or things that
snarled under the parking lot.

Footsteps rang out behind me. I turned and saw the Dragon Lady.

Oh Sheboygan.

Spending the past seven years as a preschool teacher made it impossible for
me to cuss, even in my head. But now would have been a good time to start.

The air itself seemed to heat another ten degrees as the Dragon Lady
sauntered straight for me, with absolutely no mercy in her eyes.

She'd better not be a real dragon.

She was short—tiny even. It only made her scarier. She brandished her
clipboard knowing she held my magical fate in her hands.

"I am Officer Ly." The wrinkles around her mouth deepened as she
scowled. "You are here for the Practical Demon Slaying Exam, Part A, with
waivers C, D and E."

I found myself nodding for no particular reason. A cool wind whipped the
hair at my neck, but didn't even seem to touch her.

"Stand away from the targets," she commanded.

I followed her to the back edge of the lot and waited while she wrote
something on her clipboard.

Her sharp eyes caught mine. "This exam is for basic slaying only. If
you violate this, the Department of Intramagical Procedures will be forced to
enact corporal punishment."

As if I didn't know.

She tilted her dyed black head over her clipboard.

"Lizzie Brown?"

"Yes."

"Prepare your switch stars."

I nodded. Switch stars reminded me of tricked-out Frisbees. I rested my hand
on top of a star. My worn leather utility belt felt cool against my black
leather pants. No matter what, the belt seemed to hover at about eighty-five
degrees. No one knew why.

The switch star warmed as I slipped two fingers into the delicately carved
holes in the center. It was flat and round, about the shape of a small dinner
plate. Five blades curled around the edge. They'd been dull. When I touched
them, they glowed a light pink.

Officer Ly eyed me like I'd taken too long. "What is the average
standard velocity of a switch star as it impacts a target fifty meters away
when said target is attacking with thirty-two metric tons of force?"

My heart skipped a beat. "Can you repeat the question?" I asked,
swallowing an involuntary squeak.

She did. And it didn't make any more sense the second time around. Nobody
told me I needed to know these kinds of things. Grandma's idea of studying
magical theory involved a keg of cheap beer and a Ping-Pong table. And Dimitri?
He'd been too busy helping me learn how to throw switch stars through the air
instead of into the dirt. We hadn't made it to math problems. My hands started
to sweat. I had to work to keep a good grip on my switch star.

Fifty meters was about one hundred sixty-five feet, and who cared how
fast something was attacking as long as I could kill it
? I was still
trying to do the math in my head when an orange plastic target flew up out of
the ground.

"Fire!" the Dragon Lady roared.

I half tripped, half spun and hurled the star fast and strong—straight
into the ground ten feet in front of us. Chunks of asphalt spattered across lot
3A and the smaller bits rained down on us. I tried not to wince as a few
pebbles of the testing area nestled in the Dragon Lady's stack of black hair.

The officer pursed her lips, plucked a chunk of asphalt out of her hair and
started writing on her clipboard.

"Wait." I said. "I'm sorry about that. You caught me off
guard."

"A demon will catch you off guard."

True. But it was a completely different mind-set going into a demon attack
than it was standing in a blacktop lot next to a growling creature in a ditch
while trying to convert feet to meters in my head as the instructor from hell
(I should know, I've been there) decided whether to let me into town in time to
save my uncle's life.

"Let me try it one more time," I insisted.

Without waiting for an answer, I hurled a switch star for the target. This
time, it flew hard and straight, slicing the target straight down the middle.
Ha! I practically did a jig as the switch star arced back to me. I caught the
razor-sharp disc on my finger and gave it an extra spin.

Dragon Lady wasn't amused. She wrote something down on her chart.
"Remove your shoes and climb the ladder."

"Excuse me?"

The Dragon Lady pointed at a rickety ladder at the edge of the lot. I'd
barely noticed it because there wasn't much to see. Made of dark wood, with
age-blackened joints, the thing belonged in a museum rather than a testing
yard. Besides, it stood about fifteen feet tall, which was higher than I wanted
to be.

"Go," Officer Ly ordered.

"Sure." I eased off my Harley boots and chanced a look at the
wooden ladder. "Why not?" I stuffed my socks inside my boots. I was
dating a shape-shifting griffin. He'd taken me flying a lot higher than fifteen
feet. Of course, Dimitri would never let me fall.

I gripped the sides of the ladder and planted one bare foot on the bottom
rung. The whole contraption wobbled. I ignored it as I climbed another rung,
and another.

Dragon Lady reached into her pocket and pulled out a small cloth sack.
"Name the Three Truths of the demon slayer."

Okay, I rolled my shoulders and kept climbing. I knew this question.
"The truths:
Look to the Outside. Accept the Universe
." I
gripped the ladder tighter as she spread a handful of nails—pointy side
up—on the ground underneath my ladder. "
Sacrifice Yourself
and… what are you doing?"

"This is the levitation test."

"Wait. Demon slayers can levitate?" My first thought?
Nifty
!
Followed swiftly by concern—I'd never done that.

Or maybe I had.

I'd certainly broken a fall in hell. But did the rules of physics apply in
the underworld?

No question they'd apply here.

"I don't think I can levitate." I mean drift to the ground
effortlessly? Balance in thin air? Land amid the nails? I could barely walk in
high heels.

I rubbed my lips together. Those nails looked really sharp—rusty too.
I didn't even like it when I got my ears pierced. And what business did they
have injuring test takers?

"This isn't fair. I'll jump, but no nails."

Didn't they have the magical budget for something better than nails? Not
that I wanted to meet any conjured-up nightmares, but nails?

"I conduct this test per Rule 89d of the
Updated and Unabridged
2009 Department of Intramagical Procedures Practical Demon Slaying Exam Manual
,"
she said, scowling over her glasses. "If you don't complete the test, you
will fail."

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers, even as the ladder
wobbled. "There's no way for me to get into Las Vegas without getting this
license?"

"No."

Not unless I wanted to be shot, which she would no doubt enjoy. I winced as
I took another look down at the nails.

Son of a sailor.

I held my breath and stepped up onto the top of the ladder, my toes curling over
the edge. Fifteen feet wasn't overly high, but it looked that way from where I
stood. I really could break my neck doing this. A slight breeze cooled my
ankles as I stared at the nails scattered below. There was no way to land
without cracking something or slamming down on at least a dozen nails.

Officer Ly clicked something on her watch. "Go now. Ten seconds."

Wait. I needed to prepare. "Why do you need to time me?"

"Eight seconds."

Oh geez. I had to do this. My uncle needed me. My friends were champing at
the bit to get into Vegas. They couldn't face a demon by themselves.

"Five seconds."

I stared down at the parking lot below and the rusty nails ready to slice me
to ribbons. Maybe I could levitate. If not, well, I'd land barefoot on the
nails and be no good to anybody.

"Three!"

But I wasn't going to be good to anybody if I didn't make it in to Las
Vegas.
Sacrifice Yourself
.

I held my breath, said a prayer and jumped.

I landed hard. Intense, vibrating pain shot through my heels and up the back
of my legs. I stumbled forward and pitched shoulder first onto the pavement,
teeth rattling at the impact.
Hell's bells
. I rolled sideways, the
whole left side of my body on fire.

What in the world made me think, consider,
dream
I could levitate?

Then again, I never thought I could face down a demon until one had appeared
on the back of my toilet bowl.

I cradled my shoulder and let the pain come. In a way, I deserved it. I
didn't even like to jump off the high dive and now I suddenly thought I could
fly? For most of my thirty years, I'd gone to great lengths to get things
right. I studied, I planned—I flossed my teeth twice a day. That's right.
I'd never even had a cavity.

Now in the magical world, all I did was screw up. And crash into things. I stretched
my legs, numb from this latest impact. If it wasn't for a bunch of powers I had
no hope of controlling—much less understanding—I'd have been taken
out by the demon I'd met in my bathroom, or that werewolf from Memphis, or
heck, twenty seconds ago when I thought I had any business vaulting off a
rickety ladder onto a bed of nails.

Gritting my teeth, I eased my head back on the warm asphalt and stared up at
the cloudless desert sky. Oh for the days when I didn't feel the need to prove
my antigravity capabilities to a tiny Asian woman who may or may not be a
dragon.

She frowned down at me, interrupting my view of the heavens. Her
oversculpted eyebrows jabbed at me like accusing fingers.

I took a deep breath. It was time to try and salvage this test. Somehow.

"I'm good," I said to the Dragon Lady, not expecting a response.
Careful of the nails strewn everywhere, I pulled myself into a sitting
position. Hard to believe I'd missed each and every one of them.

The Dragon Lady scribbled on her clipboard. "Outside magic is
illegal."

"You think what I just did was magical?" I asked, prying a small
rock out of my bloodied left shoulder. Dang, that stung.

New rule: no looking at that shoulder until I could do something about it.

"You fail."

"What?" I braced my hands on the pavement as a new kind of pain
punched me in the head. I couldn't fail. I never failed. "Hold up," I
said, lurching to my feet, ignoring the way my legs threatened to buckle.
"I may not be great at levitation, but I aced that target back
there." On the second try, but she didn't say I only had one chance. My
heart stuttered. "This is a matter of life or death."

She looked at me as if I suggested she dance naked through the street.

"You fail."

Fail?

"That's it? That's all you can say?" It couldn't possibly be over
this fast. "Is there anything I can do? Extra credit? Another test?"

She didn't even have the courtesy to respond.

"How long until I can take the test again?"

"One week," she said, handing me a red slip.

"A week? I don't have a week." My uncle was in trouble now. And
even if I could learn to levitate in a week, I didn't know if I could pass the
rest of the test anyway.

She skewered me with an exacting glare, as if she could pull me apart right
there and examine my worth. Yeah, well I didn't amount to much right now if I
couldn't even rescue my uncle.

Harleys thundered on the other side of the wall. What was I going to tell
the Red Skulls?