The Dark Lord's Handbook (47 page)

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Authors: Paul Dale

Tags: #fantasy humor, #fantasy humour, #fantasy parody, #dragon, #epic fantasy, #dark lord

BOOK: The Dark Lord's Handbook
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“Ah, the pamphlets,” said Penbury, as Chidwick set a pile down on the table. “Anything interesting?”

“You might like to start with this one, sir,” said Chidwick.

Penbury picked up the indicated pamphlet. He read the front page and grunted. “It’s a knob joke, Chidwick. About the King of Phrenia admittedly, but still a knob joke.”

“The other side, sir,” said Chidwick.

Penbury flipped the pamphlet over. “A chicken with two heads?”

“Below that, sir,” said Chidwick. He cleared away a plate with eggy remains on it.

“Ah, I see. The fire.”

A warehouse had burned down, which in itself was not too unusual, but it had spread and about a quarter of Klopt had burned down. Not quite the collateral damage Penbury had imagined when he’d ordered the warehouses and the boxes of debt burned to the ground.

With Lady Deathwing spending her days off her trolley and waiting for her next dose of Headfucker, all that had remained was to deal with the financial mess that she had left behind. Foreclosure was not an option. To do so would have meant opening all the boxes and Penbury suspected that the fledgling financial system that he had overseen for the last decades would come crashing down. It had been Lady Deathwing’s plan after all, and it had been a good one. How better to defeat the richest man in the world than by reducing him to poverty?

No, it was better instead to take an accounting hit across the board and pretend it never happened. The world would never know. In fact, only himself and Birkenfeldt would ever know how close to the brink they had come. A good chunk of the aristocracy would also be more than happy to be told their loans were wiped clean and their estates safe. While the bankers would be outraged, Penbury was confident that it would only be a short term loss. Royalty could always be relied upon to be profligate.

Chidwick had finished his clear up and was hovering.

Penbury put a finger to his lips. Breakfast had been fair enough but he wanted something more. Something to pep things up a touch. “Coffee, Chidwick.”

“Are you sure, Sir?”

His personal private secretary’s worry was touching. He knew this soon after spriggle that coffee was not wise, but life would be dull if there wasn’t risk.

“Yes, Chidwick. Coffee. Strong. Black.”

Penbury read more pamphlets. After the fuss of Morden’s foray across the land, Count Vladovitch had concluded a successful summer campaign, returning the cities to their rightful rulers. He was being hailed as the greatest living commander whom any army would follow, to which he had apparently replied that an army marches on its stomach and any army would follow a good field kitchen.

As for Morden.

Penbury picked up the latest report from the Snort brothers. They were together again and with Morden’s army. They had agreed to postpone their retirement for now and follow in Morden’s retinue. Morden had left Deathcropolis with his orcs and headed east, across the Great Desert, the Great Plain, the Great Swamp and into the Great Mountains. It was there they had found Zoon’s fortress, or what remained of it, and had set about rebuilding it. From the spidery writing it was clear that Morden was quite the busy Dark Lord.

Chidwick returned with the coffee and poured his master a cup.

“Will that be all, sir?” said Chidwick.

The Snort brothers had served him well. He would have to bring them home. His pad was there at his side. He could write the order while he enjoyed his coffee.

“For now, Chidwick. For now.”

 

The End

 

 

 

About the author

 

Paul Dale lives in Bath, England. After the insanity of the late 90’s dot com boom, he has since replaced internet technology with writing. He took a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing at Bath Spa University to go with his Physics Degree from Bath University. His passion for writing is only matched by his love of film and cycling. He can be frequently found within fifty miles of Bath in the company of Bath CC and friends, enjoying the beautiful countryside.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Good and Evil

Chapter 2 The Fat Lamb

Chapter 3 Fatherhood

Chapter 4 A Dark Lord

Chapter 5 Conspiracy

Chapter 6 The Handbook

Chapter 7 Food and Beer

Chapter 8 First Lesson – Preparations

Chapter 9 A Bad Start

Chapter 10 An Orcish Escape

Chapter 11 Second Lesson – Heroes

Chapter 12 A Hero in Love

Chapter 13 Birth Right

Chapter 14 Third Lesson – Hard Work

Chapter 15 Bad News

Chapter 16 Love Lost

Chapter 17 In Command

Chapter 18 Weeding the Flowerbed

Chapter 19 Unpleasant History

Chapter 20 Emancipation Prophecy

Chapter 21 Fourth Lesson – Monologue

Chapter 22 Lawyers

Chapter 23 Love Snatched Away

Chapter 24 Sacrifice

Chapter 25 A Hero Gets His Army

Chapter 26 Fifth Lesson – Pillaging

Chapter 27 A Dark Lord Rises

Chapter 28 Enemies

Chapter 29 Machinations

Chapter 30 A New Order

Chapter 31 Intelligence

Chapter 32 A Hero’s Treachery

Chapter 33 Temptation

Chapter 34 The Council

Chapter 35 Foreign Lands

Chapter 36 A New Hope

Chapter 37 Reclamation

Chapter 38 A Righteous Knight

Chapter 39 Dark Lords

Chapter 40 Boxes of Stuff

Chapter 41 Dungeon

Chapter 42 A Pact

Chapter 43 Party Planning

Chapter 44 Rock Bottom

Chapter 45 Gastronomy

Chapter 46 To the Rescue

Chapter 47 Reluctant Bride

Chapter 48 Repartee

Chapter 49 Wedding

Chapter 50 Poison

Chapter 51 A Dark Lord Dies – Again

Chapter 52 Hubris

Chapter 53 Morden

Chapter 54 Epilogue

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Good and Evil

Chapter 2 The Fat Lamb

Chapter 3 Fatherhood

Chapter 4 A Dark Lord

Chapter 5 Conspiracy

Chapter 6 The Handbook

Chapter 7 Food and Beer

Chapter 8 First Lesson – Preparations

Chapter 9 A Bad Start

Chapter 10 An Orcish Escape

Chapter 11 Second Lesson – Heroes

Chapter 12 A Hero in Love

Chapter 13 Birth Right

Chapter 14 Third Lesson – Hard Work

Chapter 15 Bad News

Chapter 16 Love Lost

Chapter 17 In Command

Chapter 18 Weeding the Flowerbed

Chapter 19 Unpleasant History

Chapter 20 Emancipation Prophecy

Chapter 21 Fourth Lesson – Monologue

Chapter 22 Lawyers

Chapter 23 Love Snatched Away

Chapter 24 Sacrifice

Chapter 25 A Hero Gets His Army

Chapter 26 Fifth Lesson – Pillaging

Chapter 27 A Dark Lord Rises

Chapter 28 Enemies

Chapter 29 Machinations

Chapter 30 A New Order

Chapter 31 Intelligence

Chapter 32 A Hero’s Treachery

Chapter 33 Temptation

Chapter 34 The Council

Chapter 35 Foreign Lands

Chapter 36 A New Hope

Chapter 37 Reclamation

Chapter 38 A Righteous Knight

Chapter 39 Dark Lords

Chapter 40 Boxes of Stuff

Chapter 41 Dungeon

Chapter 42 A Pact

Chapter 43 Party Planning

Chapter 44 Rock Bottom

Chapter 45 Gastronomy

Chapter 46 To the Rescue

Chapter 47 Reluctant Bride

Chapter 48 Repartee

Chapter 49 Wedding

Chapter 50 Poison

Chapter 51 A Dark Lord Dies – Again

Chapter 52 Hubris

Chapter 53 Morden

Chapter 54 Epilogue

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