The Darkest Minds (47 page)

I began to wonder if the supposedly dead security cameras in the office and around the facilities were actually on.

I did try to go see Clancy a few times to apologize, but he always sent me away with a stern
I don’t have time for you today.
I got the sense he was punishing me, but I wasn’t sure what I had said or done to warrant it. In any case, it quickly became clear that I needed him in my life more than he needed me. That, combined with my stinging pride, made me feel even worse.

It was a Wednesday, only an hour before Liam and the others were meeting to discuss a new camp liberation strategy, before Clancy was finally ready to see me.

“I’ll be back in a little while,” I told Liam, squeezing his hand at breakfast. “I’ll just be a few minutes late.”

But when I walked into Clancy’s office and saw the state of it, I wondered if I should have come at all.

“Hey, come in—just watch your step. Yeah, sorry about the mess.”

Mess?
Mess?
His office looked like someone had detonated a bomb and unleashed a pack of wild wolves to pick over the salvageable remains. There were piles of paper everywhere, printouts, torn maps, boxes…and then there was Clancy himself, his hair falling into his face, wearing the same rumpled white shirt I had seen the day before.

In the weeks I had known him, I had never seen Clancy as anything less than impeccable. It was actually a little scary how put-together he was. I’m sure some of it had to do with the way he was raised. That even if his father hadn’t taught him himself, some crotchety old nanny had waxed poetic on the value of tucking your shirt in, polishing your shoes, and combing your hair. He looked like he was fraying at the edges.

“Are you okay?” I asked, shutting the door behind me. “What’s going on?”

“We’re trying to coordinate a hit for med supplies.” Clancy settled down into his chair but was back on his feet a moment later, when his laptop began to chime. “Hang on just a sec.”

I toed one of the paper piles on the floor, trying to peek at what was written on it.

“Those are reports of the usual nightly activity at a nearby truck stop,” Clancy said, as if reading my thoughts. His fingers flew over the keyboard. “And League intelligence about PSFs in that area. It seems that Leda Corporation is now employing the government to protect their shipments.”

“Why the PSFs?” I asked.

Clancy shrugged. “They’re the largest military force the government has now, and, thanks to dear old Dad, the most organized.”

“I guess that makes sense.” I leaned back, but staring at the glowing symbol on the laptop lid reminded me of Chubs. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Only if you let me apologize first.”

I sat down and studied my hands. “Can’t we just forget it ever happened?”

“No, not this time,” he said. “Hey, will you look at me?”

The expression on his face alone made my heart swell to twice its usual size. It was dangerous how handsome he was, but today his pained look was absolutely lethal.

He does care
, a little voice in my head whispered.
He cares about you.

“I’m sorry for losing my temper,” he said. “I didn’t mean the things I said about your friend Suzume, and I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you haven’t been trying.”

“Then why did you say that?”

Clancy rubbed a hand over his face. “Because I’m an idiot.”

“That’s not an answer,” I told him, shaking my head.
You really hurt me.

“Ruby, isn’t it obvious?” he said. “I like you. I’ve only known you for, what, a month? And you’re probably the only real friend I’ve had since I turned ten and figured out what I was. I’m an idiot for getting so upset that you were focused on someone else when I wanted you to be focused on me.”

I was almost too stunned to move.

“I didn’t let Suzume and the others go because I thought it would help you focus. I let her go because I thought it would make you happy. I didn’t even stop to think that, yeah, of course you’d be worried about her, especially after how hard you worked to protect her.”

He more than cares about you.

I had to look away now. Play the situation off. My brain had turned to mush, and my heart wasn’t much better. “I
guess
I could forgive you.…”

“But only if I do you that favor?” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Sure. What?”

“Well…I know you don’t allow it, but I was hoping you’d make an exception in this case,” I said, finally looking back at him. “My friend…he needs to use your computer to try to contact his parents.”

Clancy stopped smiling. “Your friend Liam?”

“No, Chu—Charles Meriwether?”

“The one who’s been skipping Garden duty?”

Okay, apparently that girl
had
ratted him out.

Clancy was silent as he shut the laptop and stood. “I’m really sorry, Ruby, but I thought I made it clear that no one else could leave.”

“Oh no!” I said, forcing a laugh. “He just wants to check in with his parents to make sure they’re all right.”

“No,” Clancy said, moving around so he was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of me. “He wants to make arrangements to leave and take you with him. Don’t try to cover for him, Ruby. It’s the same for everyone. I don’t doubt for a second that he’s desperate enough to tell his parents the location of this camp.”

“He would never,” I said, getting riled up on Chubs’s behalf. “Really.”

“You were there when we had intruders a few weeks ago. You saw how easy it could be for someone to slip past our defenses. What if they hadn’t triggered the alarm? We would have been in serious trouble.” Clancy’s face was dark, worried. “If Charles wants to contact his parents, tell him he needs to fill out a request with instructions on how to do it, just like everyone else. I have to base my decisions on what might threaten the camp’s security—no matter how much I want to help you help your friend.”

It was no good. Chubs would rather not contact his parents at all than grant a stranger access to his only means of safely communicating with them.

“Though,”
Clancy said after a moment, sitting down next to me and kicking his legs up on the desk. “There is something that could persuade me.”

I couldn’t look at him.

“Fifteen minutes, Ruby. You teach
me
.”

What could I possibly know that he didn’t?

“Do you think you could walk me through how you erase someone’s memory? I know it’s not something you’re proud of, and I know it’s caused you a lot of pain in the past, but it seems like a useful trick, and I’d be interested to learn it.”

“Well…I guess?” I said. Like I could deny him after all that he had done for me. But it wasn’t something I knew how to teach. I’d barely managed to figure it out for myself.

“I think understanding how you do it will also help me figure out how to prevent you from accidentally doing it again. Sound good?”

That sounded great, actually.

“If you’d let me,” he continued, “I’d like to walk through your memories and see if I can find any clues. I just want to confirm a suspicion I have.”

I don’t think he expected the request to give me pause, but it did. He had been in my head multiple times, seeing things I’d never spoken about to anyone. But I’d been able to keep him from seeing the things that really mattered, the dreams I wanted to protect.

I kept thinking about what Liam had said before, when he told me about his sister.
Those memories are mine.

But if I wanted a future with my family—with Liam—then I had to relinquish my control. I had to let Clancy in if it meant I could avoid the same thing happening in the future.

You can trust him
, said the same voice at the back of my mind.
He’s your friend. He would never overstep.

“Okay,” I said. “But only those, and, afterward, Charles gets to use your computer.”

“Deal.”

Clancy knelt in front of me, hands cupping my jaw, fingers weaving through my hair. I tried not to squirm at his proximity and his assumption that I would be fine with it. We’d sat this close before, but somehow this felt different.

“Wait,” I said, sitting back. “I told Liam and the others I’d meet with them about something. Can we maybe do this later? Or even tomorrow?”

“It’ll only take a second,” Clancy promised, his voice soothing and low. “Just close your eyes and think about the morning you woke up on your tenth birthday.”

Come on
, that same voice said.
Come on, Ruby
.…

I swallowed hard and did as he asked, imagining myself back in my old room, with its blue walls and enormous window. Bit by bit, the room reassembled itself. Blank walls bloomed with cross-stitch samplers Grams had sewn, pictures of my parents, and a map of D.C.’s metro system. I could see all six of the stuffed animals I slept with, on the floor next to my bright blue comforter. Even things I had completely forgotten—the lamp on my small desk, the way the middle shelf of my bookcase sagged—suddenly came back into clear focus.

“Good.” Clancy sounded far away, but I felt him near, closer and closer. His breath was warm across my cheek, an unexpected touch. “Keep…” He sounded breathless. “Keep thinking.…”

I saw his face through a glossy haze, his dark eyes burning the shimmering air. I saw only him, because for those few passing moments, he was the only thing that seemed to exist in my world. Every part of me felt slow and warm, like honey. Clancy blinked once, then again, as if to clear his own cloudy gaze, to remember what he was supposed to be doing. “Just keep…”

And then his lips—his lips were so close, smiling against mine. Fingers wove their way through my long hair, thumbs gliding along my cheeks. “You—” he began, his voice hoarse. “You are—”

At the slightest pressure, something hot and dark sparked there, sending a wave of desire straight into my core. His hands slid down over my neck, my shoulders, down my arms, down…

And then there was nothing gentle about it.

His lips pressed against mine hard, with enough force to drive them apart, to steal breath, and sense, and the feel of the bed under me. The skin of his face was smooth and cool against mine, but I was warm—too warm. The fever that swept up over me made my body go limp, and I was pressed back against the bed, sinking into the pillows there like I was falling through clouds. The blood had left my head, and all that was left there was a low, throbbing pulse. My hands came up to tangle in his shirt—I needed to grasp something, to hang on before I fell too far.

“Yes,” I heard him breathe out, and then his mouth was on mine again, his hands at the hem of my top, edging it up over my stomach.

You want this
, a voice whispered.
You want this
.

But it wasn’t my voice. I wasn’t saying that—was I? In that instant, a flash of his black eyes gave way to a light blue. That was I wanted, what I really wanted. My mind felt slow, drugged with the strain of thought.
Liam
. But here was Clancy. Clancy, who helped me, my friend, beautiful in a way that made me lose trains of thought. Clancy, who more than liked me.…

Who was also an Orange.

My eyes flew open as his hands slipped up to my neck, his fingers tightening slightly around the skin there. I tried to pull back, but it felt like he had flooded my veins with concrete. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even shut my eyes.

Stop
, I tried to say, but when his forehead found mine, the pain that exploded behind my eyes was enough to make me forget everything.

TWENTY-SIX

T
HE COMPUTER’S FRANTIC BEEPING
woke me from a dreamless sleep, tugging at me until my eyes drifted open. I was lying in darkness.

My body felt heavy, and though someone had pulled off my sweater, my shirt was plastered to my skin with a thin sheen of sweat. If I had been alone, I might have taken it off, or at least kicked my jeans off my legs to let my body breathe, but I knew better. I was still in his room, and if I was here, then so was he.

The light on Clancy’s dresser was on, and I could hear the voices of kids below at the fire pit. Night, already? It was insane that my blood could run as frigid as winter at the same moment my heart started to squeeze out a panicked rhythm.

The creaking of the old mattress was drowned out by the TV. For a while, I did nothing but listen to President’s Gray baritone voice give his nightly address. My legs seemed to be the last part of my body willing to wake up.

“—assure you that the jobless rate has declined from thirty percent to twenty percent in this past year alone. I gave you my word that I would succeed where the false government would not. As much as they would like you to believe they have influence on the world stage, they can barely control their terrorist branch, this so-called Children’s League—”

The TV set turned off with a hiss of static. Footsteps.

“Are you awake?”

“Yes,” I whispered. My throat felt sore, my tongue swollen.

The bed dipped as Clancy sat down beside me. I tried not to wince.