The Darkest of Shadows (23 page)

I lay down, and he pulled my back up against his chest. His arm snaked around my waist and curled up against my chest. He placed a soft kiss in my hair, and then we both drifted off to sleep.

.

Ten

Lawrence slipped from his bed a few hours later. He was too restless to sleep and had spent most of the last hour watching Lilly rest.

It was difficult to conceive the beautiful woman sleeping peacefully in his bed was the same one who he had held for those long dark hours. He found it difficult to come to terms with the level of pain that he had witnessed, and more, he was astonished by the amount of strength it must take for her to keep going every day. That she got up and continued her life the way she did astounded him. He knew she had tragedy in her life, and he knew that she wasn’t what you would call entirely normal, but he hadn’t been able to guess at the magnitude of how much she hurt.

He wasn’t so sure, if the situation had been reversed, if he would have had the strength to do what she did.

Lawrence stopped at the door and spent a long minute just staring at her. He wanted to make sure he hadn’t disturbed her, because he didn’t want to be gone if she woke up. He wanted her to become familiar with him lying beside her, and to not be there when she woke would give her an excuse to escape back to her own world.

And Lawrence was very determined to keep her in his.

Charlie was making a sandwich in the kitchen when Lawrence emerged from the hall. He spared Charlie a quick glance before crossing the room and calling quietly down the hall for Frost.

“Boss.” Frost acknowledged Lawrence with a nod as he joined the other two men in the kitchen.

Lawrence waited a long while before speaking. “Lilly is very important to me.” He spoke the words carefully, and both Frost and Charlie nodded but remained silent. “She can be difficult.” Charlie nodded with a bit more enthusiasm than necessary; after all, he knew more about guarding Lilly than anyone. “She is allowed to be impulsive, but you must ensure that she is always safe,” Lawrence went on. “Lilly won’t travel without me, not anymore. At least, the plan is for her to not leave my side, so you should be able to coordinate the security measures around us both. But Charlie, your primary target is Lilly. Frost will remain with me.”

“What about when she is being difficult?” Charlie prompted.

“Lilly is entitled to her privacy, and if she orders you to back down, then you do that.” Charlie raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Of course, you’ll only go so far as it takes for her to not see you; then you call me, and I’ll handle it.”

“Is she OK?” Charlie asked.

“She’s doing the best she can,” Lawrence replied. “She has a lot of baggage from her past, and there are certain things that are difficult for her to deal with. We just have to try to remember when and what they are, and make allowances for those times.”

“Are we going out tonight?” Frost asked.

“No. We’ll stay here until we leave for New York.” Lawrence pushed away from the counter. “You two are off duty until then. You are free to come and go as you please.” Then he walked down the hall and back to watch Lilly sleep.

The clock on the bedside table glowed starkly in the semidarkness of the room. It was just past 7:00 p.m., which didn’t surprise me, because I always slept away most of Boxing Day. I felt the bed dip beside me, and I rolled over into Lawrence’s waiting arms.

“Good morning, or evening.” His rich deep voice rolled over me.

“Hey.” My voice had a husky timbre to it that made his eyes darken with desire.

“I wasn’t sure you would ever wake up,” he told me, his hands smoothing the hair off my face.

He was trying to keep things light. He must have a million questions about what had happened, both with my tears and about us, but he knew when to ask questions and when not to.

My gaze was drawn to the space behind him. “Do you ever stop working?” It was obvious what he had been doing while I slept. There were papers spread over the floor beside the bed, and his laptop was sitting on the side table.

“Depends what I have to distract me,” he replied, with a sexy grin.

I rolled over him and sat astride his hips, my hair falling forward to brush against his face. I flicked it out of the way and lowered my face down to his. When only inches separated us, I breathed against his lips. “Does this qualify as a distraction?”

I guess it must have, because the next second, my nightgown was over my head, and he was making love to me with an intensity and awareness that left me reeling.

The first time we had sex was something I’ll always remember; the rawness of it was potent and deeply fulfilling; but this time, when the gentle lights of the room bathed us both and we took the time to feel and see each other, it meant so much more. This time, it was because we both wanted it, we both enjoyed the feel of our bodies pressed together. The joy I found in his arms was more than I expected, so much more.

“Do we really have to go back to our lives?” I asked later, as I sat beside him in the bed. He had managed to rustle up some food and coffee, and we both sat unabashedly naked sharing the spoils.

“Which bit don’t you want to go back to?” he asked casually.

“The part where everyone else exists.”

“That part’s a bit difficult to change.”

I shrugged. “You can do anything,” I joked.

“I wish.” He threw a grape at me. “If I was that good, I would have had you in my bed a year ago.”

That was a good question, actually. “Why did you want me in your bed?” I asked him. “I know the sort of women that are available to you, and I’m nothing like them. The most beautiful women in the world would kill to have you, yet from the start you seemed interested in me. And don’t give me crap about love at first sight, which is total shit and you know it.”

“Lilly,” Lawrence said, and laughed aloud. “You have such a way with words sometimes. But to answer your question, you intrigued me.”

“Like a toy?”

“Not like a toy.” He leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my lips. “You intrigued me as a person, and the more I noticed you, the more you interested me. I just knew that we would connect.”

I watched him as he lay down on his side of the bed, one arm supporting his head. He was gorgeous, dressed or undressed; he had a way about him that, exactly as he had phrased it, intrigued me also.

“OK,” I finally admitted. “I can accept that.”

“I’m glad.”

I hated to build any barriers between us so soon, and I hated to take the conversation somewhere that would cause either of us pain, but there were things that needed to be said.

I hopped off the bed and grabbed a robe that lay over a chair. I couldn’t have this conversation naked. Lawrence rose and slipped on his boxers, then sat back down on the bed to watch me pace slowly around the room. I was nervous, and getting too close to him now would only prejudice my mind into accepting something that I couldn’t live with.

“You know that I can’t do relationships,” I began. My voice had leveled out and lost all its amusement.

“What qualifies as a relationship?” he asked carefully.

“Sex, love, marriage, long-term commitment.” I shrugged.

“When you accepted the job here,” Lawrence replied, speaking slowly and with precise thought, “you told me you would try it for a month and see if I ‘grew’ on you.”

I nodded, remembering that conversation, and also acknowledging that he had in fact grown on me.

“I’m not asking for you to love me,” he continued. “I’m not saying that I love you. I’m not asking you to commit to anything long term, and I’m not asking you to marry me. You might have a fight on your hands about the sex, though.” His face creased in a small smile. “I’m not sure I’ll be willing to give that up.”

I watched his face as he spoke and wondered if he really understood what I was saying.

“Can I ask that you give us the same consideration you did with the job?” he said. “Take it one day at a time. If you’re happy to be with me today, then it’s possible that you might still be happy tomorrow, and after that, who knows.” It was his turn to shrug. “I’m only asking that you don’t discount us before you even try.”

“You’re going to eventually want more than I can give you,” I told him. From experience, I knew it was so.

“I might not be able to give you what
you
want,” he countered. “You might find me lacking.” I doubted that very much and my expression must have told him as much. “You never know,” he added.

“I’m not like other women, you know. I’m not normal,” I reminded him.

“And I’m OK with that.”

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” I shook my head at him.

“I know enough to realize it’s worth the risk to find out.”

My heart melted at his words. He was offering me so much, and it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t give him what he deserved.

“Let me be the judge of what I can and can’t live with,” he told me, almost as if he could read my mind.

I stopped my pacing and crossed to stand before him as he sat on the edge of the bed. He pulled me closer until I stood between his legs. His hands slipped inside the folds of my robe, and he rested his head against my chest. My arms wrapped around his shoulders, and I rested my cheek against the silkiness of his hair.

“OK.” The word came out a bare whisper, but I knew he heard them when his arms tightened around me. “I don’t like being this way,” I added after a moment. “And I’m sorry if who I am hurts you in any way. Now or in the future.”

“Don’t apologize for who you are. I asked for you to give me a chance, knowing full well what I’m up against. If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me, for making you feel like it’s not OK to be exactly who you are.”

I shook my head. “You make me feel safe,” I told him. “And I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Thank you for that.”

He stood up from the bed, and the dressing gown fell softly to the floor behind me. Lawrence reminded me again just how safe I was in his arms.

TEXT:		I think I agreed to try being with him.
REED:		Like a relationship?
TEXT:		No, not like a relationship
REED:		Then what exactly does that mean?
TEXT:		Not sure. Maybe just that we spend time together.
REED:		And the other benefits!
TEXT:		Those too.
REED:		I wish every job came with those benefits
TEXT:		Again, you are such a whore
REED:		U keep saying that, and I keep reminding u it doesnt count if u only dream it.
TEXT:		Am I doing the right thing?
REED:		Definitely. But if it does go bad, then what I actually meant to say was no.
TEXT:		Why do I even bother talking to u?
REED:		Cause u love me
TEXT:		There is that.
REED:		Duncan says hi.
TEXT:		Tell him Im sorry for waking him again.
REED:		he says not to worry and wants to know when ur coming home to visit.
TEXT:		For his birthday…
REED:		He says nice try! Hes not that stupid, u never said which one.
TEXT:		Cant, cause then it will ruin the surprise.
REED:		ha ha.
TEXT:		Gotta go. Flying to New York today.
REED:		Cow!

“Ready?” Lawrence asked, from where he leaned against the doorframe, his hands resting casually in his pockets.

“If you insist on dragging me all over the world, then you’re going to have to have to be more patient with my packing.” I smiled at him.

We had slept, and done other things, most of the night; and when we woke together the next morning, we had developed a happy contentment that meant I wasn’t embarrassed or nervous around him. The fact that we now knew each other’s bodies so intimately created a personal bond that was deeply satisfying for me. I think it was the knowledge that I owned a piece of him that no one else could touch. That he had chosen to share with me such a personal part of himself gave me the courage to accept what we had.