The Darkest Part (13 page)

I nod. She’s still staring at the pink bottle, her thumb running over it, like picking up stomach medicine is the most thoughtful gesture. It makes my chest tighten, and I have to break the heavy silence.

Flipping my laptop open, I say, “I assume you’re a Ricky Bobby fan.”

She snorts. “Do I lose cool points if I say no?” Her eyes peek up at me as she fiddles with the Hershey wrapper. Before I can return a quip, she says, “Tyler watched it at least once a month. I never got why.”

I shrug again. I’m real smooth right now. “He’s a dude.”

She raises her eyebrows. “I knew there was a secret.”

Our banter is easy and light, but there’s a slight tension snapping at the air, creating a tangible wall between us. And when she says
secret
, my insides twist. I can’t reveal Tyler’s darkest parts to her. Or mine, for that matter. I can only be here for her while she works out the mess in her mind. I just hope that it doesn’t tear me down in the process.

I’m not as immune to her as she is to me.

After setting up the laptop on the bed, I grab a box of Chinese takeout and a plastic spork—can’t believe they still make these—and plop down on the other side of her. “Sure you don’t want to eat real food first?”

“Blasphemy.” She shakes her head and takes a bite of her chocolate bar.

I stuff a huge sporkfull of Sesame Chicken into my mouth to keep from smiling.

During the movie, my gaze occasionally drifts to her. She braids her hair, two long tails over her shoulders. Fidgets with her nails, like she’s trying to keep from biting them. It used to be a habit. Then she shifts positions, from sitting to laying on her stomach, her ass kicked up at me. I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my hands over my face.

I’m such a fucking masochist.

When the movie finally ends, I spring off the bed like it’s on fire. I can’t be in the same room as her any longer and maintain chivalrous thoughts. As if I’d ever had them about her to begin with. Maybe if I beat my head against my room wall for the rest of the night, by morning I’ll be straight.

I quietly pack up my computer and then grab a bag of potato chips.

“Holden.” Sam’s voice is questioning, and I look up, finding her pressed against the headboard, her eyes locked on something over my shoulder.

Turning around, I spot the box on the dresser. When I look back at her, her eyes are on me. “Yeah?”

“I don’t want to sit in here by myself.” She tucks her legs into her body. “We should go out and do something.”

“I’m up for that.” And up for anything that doesn’t involve being closed off in a small room with her. I need fresh air; her scent is clinging to me, torturing me. “Where do you want to go?”

She pushes off the bed and stalks toward the box. “I have an idea.”

Sam

The tree line of Logan Martin Lake graces the pink and amethyst sky like mountains. Dipping low and rising high, the dark pines stretch endlessly across the shore. Houselights dot the twilight, and docks reach over the water. The night air is a balmy mix of Alabama’s hot summer and the lake’s humidity, caressing my skin with a warm, light breeze.

I walk the shoreline, my hands clamped tightly to the picture box, as Holden trails behind at a distance. He was quiet on the ride over. I don’t think either of us spoke a word. I’m not sure he’s ready for this part of the trip. I’m not sure
I’m
ready.

But taking in the scenic beauty, I can’t think of a better place to spread Tyler’s ashes while we’re here. It’s close to the speedway, and I feel like if Tyler and I had taken this trip together, we would’ve ended up here. We would’ve watched the sunset, and kissed under the stars.

I feel like such a cheesy romantic right now. And my heart aches at the moments we didn’t get to experience together. All the lost memories we’ll never get to make.

After we parked, Holden asked if I wanted to do this alone. And maybe I should have said yes. But I believe Tyler would want his brother to be a part of this. I glance around, hoping Tyler will appear. I want to tell him . . . so much.

Holden has stopped walking, and I find a sandy spot to plunk down on near the lake. The sounds of water lapping and crickets, and the distant noise of traffic from the freeway, pull me under. And all I can do is cling to Tyler’s box.

“Do you remember,” Holden says, his voice low, like he’s trying not to disturb the tranquility of the lake. “When we were kids. That day my mom took us to Hunting Island? When my dad was away on business, and we were driving her crazy because it was too hot to go out and play.”

I laugh. “Yeah. Shannon was ready to ship us off to a third world country.”

I don’t look at him, but I can feel his hesitant smile. Hear the happiness mingling with the sadness in his voice. “Tyler loved those big puddle things on the beach. I don’t know what they were called, but all the kids always played in them. And even when we were tired and ready to go, and Mom was screaming, Tyler kept playing.” He settles down on the bank beside me and rests an arm over his knee. “This is a good spot, Sam. He’d like it here.”

My throat grows thick as a burning begins behind my eyes. I swallow hard to keep from tearing up.

Tyler, where are you?

I swallow again, and look down. Run my hand over the satin box.
I’m not ready
.

Holden’s hand covers mine. “Let me help.”

Unable to speak, the lump knotting in my throat, I nod. Holden stands and reaches down for me, and with a deep breath, I accept his hand. A cool wind circles us, and I watch as strands of his dark hair whip around his eyes. The lowering sun casts his face in shades of shadowy grays and purples.

Putting the box between us, I take one corner as he takes the other. We lift at the same time, and then I hold the box out and lightly move it back and forth. The breeze catches the loose remains, picking them up and swirling them into the air, then out over the lake.

I feel a hot tear roll down my cheek.

Holden places the top back over the rest of Tyler’s ashes, pulling the box from my trembling hands. His gaze is far away as he looks at the sunset-glittering lake, and I wonder what he’s saying to his brother. I wonder what secrets are between them—the ones I’ll never know.

And I wonder if Tyler is lost in his limbo right now.

I pray the buoyancy of the lake will call to him, lifting him out of the darkness.

As we walk toward Holden’s truck, night blankets the sky. He stuffs his hand in his pocket. “I could use a drink. You game?”

I haven’t had a beer or any other alcohol in over five months, since before Tyler died. My last being at a party where Leah talked me into downing Jell-O shots and then dancing with her on a table. I smile to myself. “All right. I’m game.”

Even though Holden claims he’s never been to Alabama before, he handles the roads like he’s lived here his whole life. He seems to know how to find everything, and I’m
starting
to be grateful that he talked (more like coerced) me into doing this together. I wouldn’t have been able to visit the lake traveling by train.

And as we pull into a shady-looking bar, the parking lot dim and the outdated brick building covered in graffiti, I know I never would’ve ended up here. “Uh, are you sure about this?”

He chuckles. “It’s fine. In Atlanta, I’ve gone to shows at some really seedy places, and the people are harmless. Looks can be deceiving. And a place like this, they’re less likely to card you.” He glances at me, a smirk tugging up one side of his mouth. He bites his lip ring before he continues. “You’re safe with me, anyway.”

Trying to ignore the tingling sensation that grabs my stomach, I open the door and hop out. A low boom from the music within vibrates the front door as we approach, and it doesn’t look like there’re any lights on in the place. Holden holds the door open for me, his arm stretched high above my head, and I walk in.

Holy shit. It’s an effin biker bar.

Tough-looking guys wearing leather jackets and wife beaters with tattoo-sleeved arms are hunched over a dark wood bar. A couple of girls with bandanas in their hair wearing short, formfitting skirts and jeggings so tight they should be outlawed, are dancing near a jukebox. Or grinding each other near a jukebox. And other dark-clad bikers are gathered in the back around pool tables.

Smoke clouds the air, rolling in waves under green plastic, low-hanging lamps. The scent of beer, cigarettes, and body odor crowds my nose.

“Holden,” I say, hoping he’ll catch the apprehension in my tone. “Did you know . . . ?”

He turns toward me and cocks an eyebrow. “That this was a biker bar?” I nod. “I saw the bikes parked along the side of the building. That’s how I figured out it was a bar.”

He’s obviously missed where I’m concerned about the “biker” part and not “bar.”

Placing his hand on my lower back, he guides me toward the high, wraparound bar top. The stools are low, and when I sit, my height makes me feel awkward. Unable to prop my elbows on the counter like Holden, I tuck my hands under my thighs, trying not to look anyone in the eyes.

The bartender slides a beer toward one of the bikers and then tosses his table rag over his shoulder before he nods at Holden. The guy’s huge, his muscled arms covered in tats.

“Two Jack and Cokes,” Holden says, dipping his fingers into his back jean pocket to pull out his wallet. Then he turns to me. “That’s okay, right?”

“Yeah. Sure.” I smile. Truth is, I’ve never been a big drinker; I wouldn’t know what to order. Tyler wasn’t either, and when we did go to parties, Leah mostly fed me shots despite Tyler’s pouting. They got along for the most part. But Tyler hated Drunk Leah.

Holden returns my smile with a gorgeous one of his own. “I didn’t want to get my ass kicked for ordering some fruity drink.” He winks.

And just like that, the tightness gripping my chest eases. I’m surprised when the bartender sets the drink in front of me without asking for my ID, and I try to act cool. Twenty-one cool. And once I down about half of my drink, the warm beginnings of a buzz helps ease the rest of the tension.

I eye Holden, because it’s safer to stare at him than anyone else, and mentally trace the outline of the tattoo peeking from beneath his T-shirt collar. In a truck, it’s hard not to notice the person next to you. And I’ve already memorized the tattoos on his arm. The band, a compass, and a beautiful bird that covers his elbow and wraps around to the middle of his forearm. It’s done in abstract. Which makes sense. Holden’s always loved abstract.

Before I realizes it’s left my mouth, I hear myself say, “What’s the tattoo of on your chest?”

His forearm flexes as he grips his tumbler. With a deliberate, slow movement, he sets the glass down on the bar. “Tribal art.”

I laugh. “Bullshit.” He’s an artist. There’s no way he sketched out some lame ass tribal tat to have permanently inked on his body. He’s such an amazingly talented artist, too. Not taking into account the beautiful work on his arm, with just the inspired black flames he designed for his truck (seriously, I’ve never seen a fire design look so real), I can only imagine what’s underneath his shirt. And with that thought, my face blazes, and I’m thankful for the dim lighting.

Taking another swig of his drink, he shrugs. “Nothing special. I was young when I got it.”

Aggravation over his vagueness mixed with the alcohol coursing through my veins makes me bold. “I showed you mine . . .”

His body swivels toward me, his eyes hooded. “That’s not your only one.” His gaze travels over my shoulder and collarbone, and I can feel it. Like he’s physically reached out and touched me. As his eyes drifts lower, slowly scanning my body before meeting my mine again, he raises an eyebrow challengingly. “In fact. I’m willing to bet you have more.”

My mouth feels dry, and the warm buzz heating my body turns to lava. I look down at the empty glass and push back from the bar. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“I’ll walk you.”

He stands but I wave him back onto his seat. “I can find it.” His mouth parts, like he’s about to argue, and I add, “I got it, Holden.” His stare holds mine, unwavering, and something flashes in his eyes. But then he turns back toward the bar and lifts his chin to order another drink from the bartender.

I’m terrified to find out what the bathrooms in this rundown place look like, but I need a moment to regroup. I do have a couple more marks on my body—and I have no qualms over sharing the pink and black shaded stars with him. But the
other
, he’s not seeing any time soon.

Soon?
I mentally scold myself. Just one heated look from Holden and I’m fourteen all over again.
Get a grip
. Besides, he’s just playing with me. Joking around. I’ve always read too much into his words and actions, looking for a deeper meaning. I remind myself that he’s shallow. I learned
that
the hard way in high school.

Today has been too long. Too much all at once. After reading Tyler’s first journal entries, the lake, having to say my first goodbye to him, and spending so much one-on-one time with the guy who broke my heart ages ago—it’s enough to push me over the edge.