The Darling Buds of June (2 page)

I love the
darling buds of June

Thou art so
lovely and so tempered

Then, rough
September winds cometh to blow dead leaves around

And we
gatherest them ready for big Pagan fires unhampered

Sometimes too
hot heaven’s pupil dost glow

And we all
walkest round in hot weather skimpy gear

And you Stan,
my loveliest one, dost enjoy

Seeing the
sexxye wiggle on my short hemp sacking clad rear.

© Stan
Stashaway.

(You can see
where Shakespeare changed it and ‘ruined it’ for commercial
purposes, if you study it un-closely)
.

***

The first
(
Month 1
) communication from the mole, regarding the Friends
of ‘Alcester Tourist Board’ (better known as the FAT Bs ... shame
on you if you think the B should stand for Bast ... you know). Mole
is a significant member. I may swap places with her talking wise as
we are like brother and sister, not that it matters as it will
still be her information. You know what? You’ll get it, I’ll make
it as easy as I can for you to follow. Have I already explained
that? Hmmm? Never mind, repetition is cool.

“Hello, I’m
Frankie’s mole and I consider it a great honour. I’m a member of a
local group, the Friends of Alcester Tourist Board, or the FAT Bs
as we are fondly known locally. We really like our Tourist Board,
but we don’t like Stratford Tourist Board for several reasons,
which include … they nick a lot of tourist business from under our
noses! Especially the lucrative ‘Merry Cans’. What do we get? Local
overspill from the by-pass, including some of questionable (?)
class from ‘Ghost Town’ (what a cow! I’m joking).

In order to
increase tourism in our town, we are considering using some cash
from an undisclosed source in the town council, to make a bumper
sticker which will say, “Alcester, home of Gillian Stashaway nay
Wakespeare!” By the way, ‘nay’ is sort of my version (ME) of
née

“If sales are
huge, we may really go for it and make a second one, which will
say, “Alcester, the fab town in Wakespeare country” Or even, “Visit
Stratford if you want to be bored, but you will not be board in
Alcester because of the imaginative Alcester Tourist Bored ”
(clever, eye-catching, play on words there, which you thought was
an error, didn’t you!). “Mind you, Derek (69), a local artist, did
mention at our meeting last week, that he didn’t think car bumpers
would be nearly long enough to accommodate the last statement;
especially minis. His comment was seconded by Joan (59), and a vote
among members trashed the plan.

The first two
statement subjects are still in the pipeline. Gary (47), who had
the sticker idea, was given a free strip of raffle tickets, and won
a plastic vase full of flowers made from multi-coloured, Aloe Vera,
buttermilk and lanolin infused toilet tissue paper and wire; they
were made by Cedric (92). Cedric has very soft hands, as he makes a
lot of these flowers and helps a local sheep farmer at shearing and
dipping times. Cedric grabbed a sheep in order to dip it a few
years back. He got his ring caught in the wool and was dragged
through the dip. He said it tasted horrible but the hallucinations
he had on life support were interesting. Cedric has the softest
arse in Alcester, or so it says on the wall of the public loo, in
the local Vicar’s handwriting (scandal in Alcester).

The FAT Bs also
decided unanimously that the authorities in Stratford didn’t
(don’t) even have any imagination! (At all). So they wouldn’t be
able to make bumper stickers like the FAT B’s. That news raised a
cheer!

For instance,
Stratford has a river flowing through it, the River Avon, which
didn’t require much imagination. The river Avon though is famous of
course, and should you decide to fritter your hard earned cash on a
yearned for visit … ‘because Shakespeare lived there’, you will
notice that for every duck, goose or swan which floats on the
surface, there is an empty pop bottle, a can, and a crisp bag
etc
.,
floating nearby (how nice). However,
concerning the authorities’ lack of imagination: the word ‘Avon’
derives from the Welsh, Afon, which means river (clever bunch us
FAT Bs). So what’s the point of having a river, called ‘river’?!
But, you already knew that, so sorry and all that.”

***

‘VISIT
ALCESTER, ‘THE’ TOWN IN WAKESPEARE COUNTRY’

***

Idyllic local
fungi (it was either that or a tin can; but, we can’t copy
Stratford can we)
.

Subliminal
advert:’

Don’t visit
Stratford, come to Alcester. It’s lovelier and better tempered.

End of this
month’s report.

Month 2

“Hello, Mole
here (and ME). Welcome to this month’s report. Here are the
minutes, from the FAT Bs meeting: After our last successful meeting
(argument) about car bumper stickers, we have decided to maybe,
also ‘probably’ you never know (?), make a badge for tourists,
which will say, “I don’t live here, I’m a tourist”, as opposed to
the old, “I’m not a tourist, I live here!”

This will make
them easily recognisable, so that the owners of local businesses
can show them friendliness and helpfulness, and not take them for
granted like they do the locals (Coventry? Don’t go there).
Hopefully then they will spend loads of £cash£ in Alcester, and
nowhere near the same amount if they visit that snobby litterbin,
Stratford. Alcester loves a healthy economy.

Arthur (78),
one of our valued and extremely keen and athletic members, has
started up an exciting new society, with our blessing. The SAAT
Society, or Spot an American Tourist Society. Members will walk
around the main and back streets with hand held radios (bought with
cash from an undisclosed source), and when an American tourist is
spotted (usually by the accent, the Stetson, or the man’s blinding
white suit), they will be followed, and the shop(s) which the
family head for, will be very quickly pre- warned and therefore
pre-armed.

The family will
then be greeted with a
large
medium sized
stars and stripes flag, which will be made by our tapestry and
sewing expert, Mary (75). The flag will be stood flapping next to a
fan, and a large sign which says, “Welcome! We, the people of
Alcester love America and its People!”

We have also
had an idea for a ‘star spangled planner™’, a kind of ‘what to do
in Alcester’ the town in nay Wakespeare country. It will have
coloured stars stuck to it; but maybe not all 26, as they are quite
dear in the stationery shop (75p each!). We could put on four
stars, and write X 9 on it! (We hope they don’t mistake that for
lager, or is that OZ?)”

WELCOMING THE
‘MERRY CANS’ PROPERLY

“The FAT Bs
decided that speedy civic receptions could hopefully be held in one
of the pubs (please God!); and if the Lord Mayor can be quickly
located in one of them (all we need do is ring the landlords, our
CPW scheme, (Civic Pub Watch), that would be fantastic! And we will
hold it there.

By the way, one
of our valued members, Gladys (72), has completed an internet
–SRCU- course and qualified to grade one standard in Speed Red
Carpet Unrolling. We think the interactive course was legit (?) as
she has only rolled out one pixel carpet using drag and drop, with
a dodgy mouse, on her son’s old laptop (under his supervision of
course, as she doesn’t understand computers); but, her certificate,
which she downloaded and printed out, looks pretty darn impressive
if the FAT Bs do say so themselves! So, well done Gladys! Lovely!
Gladys was given a free strip of raffle tickets and has the chance
of winning this month’s top prize, a toy compass that really works,
for her walking frame.”

KEEPING OUR
SHOULD BE (ALMOST) FAMOUS POET AT REST, PROPERLY

“Us FAT Bs have
had a meeting with the council. We told them that it would be a
great idea to have another headstone made for the grave of our
great and beloved artiste Gillian nay Wakespeare and her husband
(down there with her) Stan Stashaway. This is by no means a way of
attracting rich multinational tourists of course, but the fact is;
why shouldn’t we have a gravestone at which we can lay flowers and
little notes of respect?

Here’s how and
why we lost the original.

Stratford
Council, in a fit of jealous rage, which was triggered when a bus
of American spondulix drove right through their town and into ours
... well, ok, this was because the passengers had seen us FAT Bs
standing on the road into Stratford, waving several banners saying
things such as ‘Forget this place!’ and: ‘Carry on to Alcester and
discover a clean river ‘and’ Gillian nay W’ And: ‘Our river’s
clean, not like this one!’ AND: ‘At least our river has a ‘proper’
NAME’
.

In the
resulting fit of jealous rage, they came to Alcester one night a
couple of years back, and pinched the original headstone in order
to ruin ‘our’ tourist trade! So, the proposed new headstone will be
put at the ‘deciding mercy of locals’, who can vote whether they
want one or not (like the X Factor). After they have voted, we FAT
Bs will have the final decision; we believe in democracy you see,
but, we also believe in politics, which, if not mistaken, is
Dictatorship (if not, then how can civil disobedience exist?).

A bit of bad
news …

Fulke Greville,
from Stratford (?), thought to have written Shakespeare’s works.
Ha! Rubbish! Well, he can’t of, of
course
can he, unless that son-of-a-bitch was onto OUR Gillian as well?
Naaaa. She would never have gone for his haircut ... pic coming
up.

This is a mardy
little attack in retaliation for grabbing that bus-full of American
tourists from right under their noses. They have actually picked on
an innocent to overshadow our own Genius. Sir Fulke Greville
(founder/provider of the world’s greatest expletive, through slip
of drunken tongue, and also the founder of cool haircuts), who died
in 1559, had, with his Baroness wife, Elizabeth Née (not nay)
Willoughby, fifteen children (two died). Because of these 13
(unlucky for some) children, who bred and had let’s say, 26, who
all bred … etc., etc., the world is populated to the extent that it
is now, and most of the Fulkers have got cars and factories …
hence, he must be partly guilty for the Greenhouse effect, not
Shakespeare’s bloody works.

We think this
is unfair, as some of the Fulkes may work from home on computers
and therefore only leave small carbon footprints. So, at the
moment, we are discussing our course of action (if any), in local
pub with the Lord Mayor when we manage to find him that is, which
we always regret, as he always manages to cadge a drink out of each
one of us … that’s power!

Interestingly,
Fulke called himself, Master of Shakespeare, claiming to have
written at least some of his works. You can now dismiss that
piffle, as how would he have nicked Gillian’s work? Maybe she gave
him it in confidence, for what? Or, maybe she fancied him and
wanted him in her hemp knickers and she gave him it willingly, as
he valued it so highly and gave it to Shakespeare to ruin? Or worse
still, did the dirty job himself! (See below)
.
Mind you, Stan would have kicked his sorry ass if he
found out, as Stan was six foot six of muscle, so it’s doubtful
Fulke got a sniff.

The Fulkes were
obviously early predecessors to the Fockers, and Stratford locals
may have joked about ‘meeting the Fulkers, and all the little
Fulkers’. Who knows? History is contrived bollocks anyway, and so,
what I’ve written is exactly correct ... what does it matter?”

Author AWL
Saunders wrote:

"I compiled a
profile of Greville and compared it to the folio profile and was
amazed to discover that he was an exact, one could say quite
perfect, match with the profile of 'William Shakespeare'."

And I the
author say ... The West Midlands is famous because of a
‘woman’.

There’s one for
women’s lib, or rather, lib-eratum.

Fulke Greville
(?).

What a
haircut!