The Days of Redemption (67 page)

Dr. Palmer set her file on the table before folding his arms across his chest. “And what does ‘normal' look like to you?”

“Being able to see.”

“Well, you can't see all that well, can you?”

There was his matter-of-fact way of speaking again. It was one of her favorite things about Dr. Palmer, as well as one of the things she dreaded about him. He never sugarcoated things

Well aware of Landon observing and listening, she shook her head. “
Nee
,” she said finally. “I'm having a lot of trouble lately.”

He turned to Landon. “We're going to need to run some tests. I'm glad you're here, but I think things might go easier if you went on back to the waiting area.”

Immediately Landon stood up. “I'll be out there until you come out, Elsie.”

After he exited the room, she slumped. Feeling slightly peevish, she said, “I thought it was a good thing that I wasn't alone.”

“I am glad about Landon coming with you. But I'm afraid we're going to have to have a difficult conversation, Elsie, and I didn't want you being distracted.”

“You think my eyes are mighty bad now, don'tcha?”

“It sounds like it. But you don't need me to tell you that.”

“Am I about to be blind?”

He paused. “Now, that I don't know. I'm going to test your eyes, but I think we need to make some decisions today, Elsie. Decisions about what to do next.”

She nodded. That had been what she'd been afraid of. But as Dr. Palmer washed his hands, and as she removed her glasses and folded them neatly on her lap, something struck her—

Before that very minute, she'd only thought of her life in terms of seeing and not seeing.

Never before had she really thought about a “next.” And for some reason, simply knowing that things weren't “over” gave her reason to have hope—even when Dr. Palmer shined a light in her eyes and she realized that things really were as bad as she'd feared.

An hour had passed. Then two. By now, Landon had read through both ancient copies of
Sports Illustrated
and most of the headlines of the morning paper.

As the time wore on, he found himself watching the second hand slowly make its way around the white face of the clock on the wall. When he realized that he'd followed the red hand around the clock five times, Landon knew he needed to do something else.

What he ached for was his mother's ear. She had a talent for listening to almost anything without making a comment. When he was younger, it used to irritate him a bit. He had needed her to tell him what she thought, and to direct him, to tell him what he should do.

Now that he was older, he realized that she had been even wiser and stronger than he'd imagined. Staying silent was hard to do. Most folks ached to talk about themselves, to interrupt someone's story with a tale of a similar situation they'd been through.

His father had loved to offer lots of advice. He loved to fix things and people's problems.

Not his mother. No, Faith Troyer had the innate ability to simply listen. Over the years, he'd come to her with all sorts of dilemmas. Because she never pushed, he'd always end up telling her more than he'd anticipated.

Then, before he knew it, he would find himself reaching a decision all by himself, much to his—and his mother's—satisfaction.

Since his mother wasn't by his side, he reached out to the only one who was. To his shame, Landon knew he prayed too rarely these days. Often, he found himself having to remind himself to share his thoughts and feelings with the Lord.

Now, though, he knew no one else could help as much.

Leaning back in his cushioned chair, he prayed as hard as he could, asking for patience and guidance and understanding for Elsie. He asked God to stay by Elsie's side for the next few hours. Landon had a feeling that when she came out of the offices, she was going to need as much support and protection as possible.

After he asked for these things, often asking in a jumbled, ragtag way, he sighed. He could only imagine what the Lord had thought of his clumsy thoughts.

But just as he was about to chastise himself for not speaking to the Lord in a better, more organized manner, Landon realized that the Lord hadn't cared about polished words or fancy phrases.

Instead, He'd lifted Landon's worries from his shoulders and given him a measure of peace that he hadn't felt in quite a while.

He felt better.

At long last, Elsie stepped out into the waiting room. He practically jumped to his feet. “You're done.”

Her expression somewhat winsome, she nodded. “Yes.”

“Do you need to schedule another appointment?”

“Uh, no.” She shook her head. “I mean, I've already done that,” she added, as her words came tumbling out, sounding just as confused and jumbled as his prayers had. “Well, I mean, I made plans to do that. If I need to.”

He was confused.

“What's going on?” he asked.

Looking at the receptionist standing on the other side of the counter, she shook her head. “I'll tell you after we leave.”

Concerned, he followed her out of the office and down the carpeted hall. Next to him, Elsie seemed a bit woozy and in need of a break. “When is your driver returning?”

“If you don't mind, I asked him to give me another hour and a half. I wanted to have lunch over at Buehler's Fresh Foods. It's a short walk from here, and they have a coffee shop, grocery store, and a little restaurant, too. Do you mind if we go there? I'm not ready to go home yet, but now I realize I should have asked you first. Do you have plans? Should I call the driver back?”

“I'm good,” he said slowly as they headed toward the front of the office building. “Going to Buehler's sounds fine.” As a light breeze fanned their cheeks, he asked, “Elsie, are you ready to tell me about the tests?”

“Ah . . . not yet.” She smiled slightly, but the light didn't meet her eyes. Instead, she still seemed preoccupied.

Now he was starting to get worried. Part of him wanted to take her hand and lead her back into one of the sitting areas in the building's lobby. There he would sit her down and make her tell him everything.

But then he remembered his mother's patience and his prayers, asking for strength to be the person Elsie needed him to be. With that in mind, he held his tongue as they continued down the sidewalk, past two office buildings, then approached a quaint shopping center, each building made almost entirely of red brick.

At last she stopped in front of Buehler's. “Here's the cafe. Is this place all right with you? They have sandwiches and soup.”

“It's perfect.” He hadn't even bothered to look around. All he cared about was her well-being.

He held his tongue as they ordered their meals—Elsie not looking at the menu, choosing to order one of the specials the server mentioned.

Across from him, Elsie looked tense and nervous. A number of times, she looked on the verge of saying something, but then would change her mind.

After they'd gotten their sandwiches, he couldn't take it anymore. “Elsie, did you want to tell me what Dr. Palmer said?”

Finally, finally, she looked his way. “He said two things.” She took a breath, then blurted, “I am going blind. But I'm also eligible for eye surgery.”

Once again, he felt as if God was at his shoulder, cautioning him to go slowly. “What kind of eye surgery?”

She opened her purse and pulled out two pamphlets. “Corneal replacement surgery.”

He picked up the pamphlets and opened them, scanning the pictures, though none of it made much sense to him. “What kind of surgery is that?” he asked, trying his best to keep his tone light and easy.

“I don't really understand it, but I would get my corneas replaced with new ones. If I got this done, there's a chance I'll be able to see.”

“Really? Such a thing is possible?”

She nodded. “That's what my
doktah
said.”

“What do you think about that?”

“I'm not sure what to think. Ever since I received my diagnosis, I've always assumed that I would be blind one day. I've been pretty much living each day hoping that it wouldn't be for years and years.” She waved a hand. “Now, though, Dr. Palmer said that it wouldn't be years and years. It's a matter of months.”

“And?”

“And I could be completely blind one year from now,” she said with a rush of air.

“But if you got the surgery?”

“If I got the surgery, and it worked? There's a chance that I would be able to see much better than I see right now. Almost like a normal person.”

He was floored. “That would be a miracle, wouldn't it?”

She shrugged as she picked up her sandwich.

Landon watched her chew, anxiously waiting for her to explain herself. But instead of doing that, she only took another bite.

“Elsie, what are you concerned about?” Thinking fast, he blurted, “Is it the cost of the surgery?”

“It is expensive.” She bit her lip.

“But we can work around that. Families in the community help each other all the time.”

“That is true.”

“But the money would be well spent, yes? I mean, you'd rather see than not, right?”

“Of course I'd rather see. But this decision isn't easy.”

“Are you worried about the surgery itself? Is it dangerous?”

“Dr. Palmer said it wasn't too dangerous, there is just a chance that it won't work.”

“If it didn't work, you'd still be blind.”

“Jah.”
Looking more despondent than ever, she took another bite of her sandwich.

Landon didn't understand why she wasn't more excited. This surgery seemed like an answer to his prayers, and surely it was an answer to her prayers, too.

If she could see, he would no longer have any worries about them marrying one day. She'd be able to see their babies and raise their children without any assistance.

If she could see, she'd be normal, just like her sister.

Honestly, he couldn't imagine why she wasn't smiling from ear to ear. “What is the problem, then?”

“I am wondering if it would be wrong to do such a thing.”

She pushed her plate to the side and looked at him directly. “Landon, my life is not in danger. My disease isn't spreading to other parts of my brain or body. All that will happen will be that I won't be able to see.”

“But that is important.”

“Also . . . the only way to have new corneas is for someone to not need theirs.” Looking stricken, she said, “They would have to die, Landon.”

“And this would bother you?”

“I think it would, yes.” She hesitated, then said, “Landon, I've never told anyone this, but perhaps my blindness is God's will. For some reason, He might want me to not be able to see.”

Though he practically could hear his mother's voice in his ear, cautioning him to hold his tongue, he rushed forward. “If it was God's will that you have an eye disease, then it was also His will for you to see that physician. And it was God's will for that doctor to learn how to heal you.”

She dug in her purse again, this time pulling out her wallet. “How much is our meal, Landon? This is my treat.”

“Nonsense. I'll pay for your lunch.”

“This was my idea.”

“Elsie, please. Put that away.” He opened his own wallet and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. “I've taken care of it. Now, do you want to walk around for a bit?”

“
Nee
. I'd rather we just wait for the driver.”

“I think we should talk about things instead.”

“Landon, I do believe we've talked enough. At least for now.”

Just as he was about to argue that point, he heard his mother's voice in his ear again. Deciding it was time he listened, he nodded, then took her arm. “Let's go, then.” He knew his tone was harsh, practically daring her to argue with his attempt to help her navigate her way through the maze of tables.

After a pause, she stepped closer to his side and let him guide her.

But though she was letting him take the lead right now, it was very clear that Elsie was a stubborn woman, and even if Landon wanted her to get this surgery, it was her decision. And he didn't like that feeling of powerlessness.

Lovina didn't know whether she should laugh or cry as she sat on the corner of their bed in the beautiful Harmony View Inn. “I remember when they built this place. I thought this was the prettiest hotel on earth. I would have given anything to spend the night here.”

From his spot by the window, Aaron smiled at her. “It seems you've gotten your wish, then. It is a pretty hotel for sure.”

She noticed his tone didn't nearly match her forced enthusiasm. And it brought her back to the real reason they had returned to Pennsylvania.

“Aaron, are you terribly sorry that we're staying here instead of staying with one of your relatives?”

“Not at all. It's going to be hard enough to see my family, and Laura Beth's, too. I have no idea how they will greet me, if they're even going to let us share a meal with them. It's best that we're staying in a hotel. At the very least, we're going to need someplace to rest that's peaceful.”

“I agree. If we were staying at one of their homes, it might be too much to tackle all at once.”

“I'm glad you feel the same way. So, are you ready to call your family?”

Lovina looked at the phone with a grimace. “
Nee
. But that don't count for much, does it? I'm still going to have to make that call.”

He smiled. “We knew this trip would be hard. At least we saw Sara.”

She couldn't deny how happy that visit had made her. “Sara seems happy.”

“She does. Praise God.”

Lovina started to say more. To admit how worried she'd been about the reunion. But Aaron already knew her feelings, and they'd already rehashed the meeting more than once.

As she glanced at her husband, she realized that he was patiently waiting for her to make the first move toward their pasts. Though he might never say it, he needed her strength as much as she needed his.

Standing up, she opened her purse, pulled out her address book, and made the decision. It was time to face her parents. Only by visiting them in person and doing her best to apologize for her absence could she begin to feel any sort of peace. It didn't matter that they, too, had been stubborn. It was a child's place to make that first move.

Before she could back out, she picked up the phone and began to punch in the numbers.

Her heart started racing as she heard the line connect, then start to ring. Mentally, she began to practice what she was going to say to her mother or father.

With a clatter and a bit of static, someone finally picked up. “Hello?” a woman asked, her voice thin, almost reedy.

“Hello? This is Lovina Keim. I'm calling for Amy.”

“Who?”

“This is Lovina, I mean, Lolly.” When she heard no response, she said, “Is this the Johnson residence? I'm calling for my parents.”

“I'm afraid you have the wrong number.”

“I'm sorry.” Feeling dismayed, Lovina rushed ahead, afraid to stop talking. If she stopped she was sure she was going to burst into tears. “I'm from Ohio. This was the only number I had for my parents.” Only when she took a breath did she remember that this wasn't the correct way to handle this situation. Strangers didn't want or need to know personal information. She should have simply apologized and hung up.

After a second's pause, the woman said, “Are you talking about Amy and Stan Johnson?”

“Yes. Do you know them? Are you in their old house? Did they move?”

“Hold on, Lolly,” she said around a chuckle. “One question at a time.”

“Sorry.”

“About the Johnsons. I do believe I heard that they moved into a retirement home out in Wisconsin.”

“Wisconsin?” She felt dizzy all of a sudden.

“Yep. Saint Clare, or something like that. Gosh, they moved about seven or eight months ago.”

“Thank you for letting me know.”

“Not a problem,” she replied, before hanging up.

When she heard the
click
of the phone, Lovina carefully set the receiver down, too. After she hung up, she looked at her husband, noticed his kind blue eyes. He was staring at her, reflecting surely everything that she was feeling—worry and relief. Confusion and sadness.

“What happened?” he asked.

“It seems we were too late. The woman I talked to thought my parents moved to Wisconsin less than a year ago.”

“Wisconsin.”

Tears pricked her eyes. But for the first time in ages, instead of willing them away, she relaxed enough to let them float down her cheeks. “I can't believe I'm disappointed. I mean, what did I expect? That everything here would stay the same after all this time?”

“You're not alone in your thinking. I suppose I thought all we'd have to do was find the strength to reach out to our relatives. That they would be here, waiting for us.”

“We were so naïve. We should have thought things through.” She wanted to say more, but she was afraid she'd already said too much. Berating herself wouldn't do any good. “Aaron, I've been so silly. I let far too many years pass without staying in touch with my folks. Even though they never understood why I became Amish, I should have continued to try to keep in touch.”

The lines around Aaron's mouth deepened as he continued to gaze at her. “I am sorry. I know you broke things off with them because of our marriage.”

“It's not your fault. I made my choices. My parents did, too.”

“But still, Lolly, I know you are disappointed.”

The use of her English name surprised a smile from her. “Aaron, you haven't called me that in years! Decades, even.”

“I know, but it's still a
gut
name. I've always thought it had a nice ring to it.” Looking a bit bashful, he added, “It's the one I fell in love with, you know.”

“I know,” she whispered, remembering that first time he took her out for a soda and she'd noticed that his blue eyes were peppered with tiny flecks of gray.

Feeling mixed up and remarkably tender, she pointed to the phone. “I guess it's your turn now, Aaron. Do you want to call?”

“I don't want to,” he said, echoing her words. “But I guess if you can be brave enough to call, I can, too. Who knows? Maybe my family will have moved away, too.”

She knew he only said such a thing because he was nervous. It really was so much easier to push things away instead of facing them.

Matching his tone, she said, “If that's the case, I think we should sightsee. I've always wanted to visit that Amish Experience theater.”

“If Laura Beth Swartz's family has moved to Wisconsin, too, I'll buy us two tickets.”

“I'll hold you to it,” she teased. But inside, she knew they couldn't be that lucky. Everyone in their past couldn't have left.

The tension in the room increased again as she watched him dial the number and listen to the rings. But then, instead of hanging up, he took a deep breath and began speaking.

“Ah . . . this is Aaron Keim. My wife, Lovina, and I are in town and I was hoping to see you. We're staying at the Harmony View Inn in Bird-in-Hand. If you'd like to talk, give me a call when you get this.”

He left the phone number, then hung up.

“Well, I did it. If they call me back tonight, we can go over there later or in the morning.”

“Yes, that sounds like a
gut
plan.”

“Then, ah, I'll talk to them about Laura Beth's family. And seek their advice about what I should do.”

“That sounds like a good decision.”

He shifted on his feet, looking as uneasy as she felt. “I guess we could walk around the hotel now.”

“I would like that.”

“Yes. I mean, you've always admired the place.”

“You're right. I have.”

“I'm, uh, just going to wash my hands,” he said as he strode to the bathroom and shut the door firmly behind him.

She didn't blame him needing a moment to himself.

She needed it, too.

D
o you want me to stay with you when you tell your family about your appointment? Landon asked Elsie when their driver passed the sign announcing that they'd arrived at the outskirts of Berlin.

As his question hung in the air, Elsie forced herself to remember how kind he'd been to her over the last few hours. Ever since she'd gotten the news about a possible surgery, she'd been short-tempered and on edge.

But it seemed that the more disagreeable Elsie had been, Landon had been even more generous with his patience, and even more eager to help ease her burdens.

She was grateful for his presence, but he also made her uneasy, too. For the first time, she was actually thinking how her blindness—or lack of it—would actually affect other people.

That had been a bit of a shock to her system.

She'd begun to realize that for most of her life, she'd been intent on only how her loss of vision would affect her, and her wants. Not how everyone else would have to deal with the consequences.

Now, here Landon was offering to help her out again. She was almost tempted to take him up on it, simply so she wouldn't have to face her family's questions by herself.

But no matter how much she might have wanted to do that, the timing wasn't right, not for either of them. Though she knew there was a good chance they could eventually have a romantic relationship, at the end of the day, Landon was currently only a new friend. She certainly didn't want to expect more from him than that, not with her uncertain future.

Finally, she shook her head. “Landon,
danke
. I am grateful for your offer, but I can't take you up on it.”

“Why not?”

There were many reasons, but she opted to share the main one. “I truly don't know what I'm going to tell them. As far as they're concerned, this was simply a routine eye exam.”

“I think you should tell them the truth. You have options now, Elsie. Options that could change your life.”

“I know, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

“I know it probably doesn't, but that doesn't change how I feel.” Though she wasn't ready to tell Landon, there were other concerns to weigh, too. Her large family had never been shy about sharing their opinions or taking charge. If she didn't have an idea of what she wanted to do next, the situation would turn very bad, indeed.

“Elsie, do you not trust me?”

When she turned to him, he reached for her hand. His touch soothed her, helped her remember that she wasn't alone. But she didn't want to take advantage of him. “I trust you, but we are still getting to know each other.”

“This can only make our relationship stronger.”

But because he was still holding her hand, still looking so intent on solving her problems, she knew he really didn't understand how wary she was about moving forward. “If what we have is meant to be, I want to be an equal partner to you. I want to be strong, too.”

“When you can see, you'll be an equal partner.”

Slowly, she pulled her hand from his and clasped it with her other on her lap. This was the problem, she realized. He was already counting on her getting the surgery, while she wasn't sure what the right decision was.

He only saw her as an equal if she could see . . . while she'd lived the last ten years of her life sure that she would be all right even if she was blind.

This was a problem.