The Debra Dilemma (The Lone Stars Book 4) (21 page)

“What about what I wanted for myself.” It was past time that they had this conversation. “Back then, you were too busy trying to take care of me to really get to know me—”

“You deserved a comfortable home, a warm bed, and plenty of food on the table—”

“I deserved to make my own decisions and to be with the man that I loved because that’s where I wanted to be.” She waved her arms around indicating the house. “There are seventeen bedrooms in the house and they are all warm and cozy. There’s probably still enough nonperishable food here to feed a family of four for two years. Those things aren’t what make a life. This has always been a very grand house, but it has never been a home. That’s what I wanted with you. I wanted a chance to make a home with you, but you got too caught up in the details. You’re a numbers man—you’ve always been a numbers man—so I’ll bottom line this for you. I’ll always have more money than you. I could give away a hundred million dollars a year for the rest of my life and never come close to touching the principal. Your having money will not make me love you any more or any less. Stop comparing the number of zeroes in our bank accounts—none of it matters.”

“But—”

“There is no but. If you want to be with me, you need to move beyond this.” She was so tired of having this fight. Why did their relationship always boil down to money?

“AJ. He’s the but. If you’d…we’d been able to afford better medical care.” His haunted eyes found hers.

She got it. Warren really did blame himself for AJ. It seemed like she’d just stepped down off of that particular cross only to have him take her place on it.

“Warren, it has taken me nearly a decade to accept that our little boy wouldn’t have made it no matter what I or you or we could have done for him.” She covered his hands with hers. “Don’t go down that road. I’ve been there and it leads to total destruction. There was nothing medically that could have been done for him. There was no fix. All the money in the world wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.”

Saying it out loud was cleansing and finding that she actually believed it was liberating.

“At least if I hadn’t driven you away, you wouldn’t have been alone.” He brought both of her hands to his mouth and kissed first the left and then the right.

“You’re right. That’s on you.” She didn’t like the hurt in his eyes, but they needed a clean slate. “Don’t make the same mistake again because you can’t forgive yourself. I forgave you a long time ago. Don’t let the past rob us of a future because you constantly pick at the scab. Forgive yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Life dealt us a crummy hand, but today is a new day. I’m ready to start over.” Her eyes wondered around the room. “I can’t believe that I’m going to say this. I’d like to start over in this house. This is where we began and I feel like this is where we should end up.”

“I don’t understand.” He stared warily up at the bear that stared right back at him.

“I think we should have Christmas here. It won’t be a downtown Christmas, but I think we could make it cozy and happy and fun. This old house could use some real love and filling it with people who genuinely love each other is a great start.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down a couple of times. “Are we….I mean…” He swallowed a couple more times. “So that we’re on the same page…um…are we…you know one of those…” His voice cracked so he cleared his throat. “One of those couples, who genuinely love each other?”

Could he be any cuter?

She leaned up on her tippy toes and kissed him lightly. “Yes, I love you.”

The tension in his body deflated and he leaned against the desk like a man who’d just run two back-to-back marathons. “I love you too.”

“Just so you know.” She kissed him again. “When you finally do forgive yourself and work up the courage to ask me to marry you, I’m going to say “yes.’”

“Thank God.” He sounded honestly relieved. “That’s a load off of my mind.”

It didn’t feel like she was overstepping boundaries or had ventured off into wishful thinking. This felt right, it felt true, and it finally felt like their time.

Warren had no words. All he could do was stand there and stare at Debra. She loved him…she still loved him. How was that possible?

Thanking God didn’t seem like enough.

Debra didn’t press him further after her amazing declaration, she’d simply turned back to her father’s safe, pulled out several handfuls of file folders, bars of gold, stock certificates, stacks of hundred dollar bills, several gold and platinum watches and a metal lockbox. Any other woman would have wanted to continue their discussion and analyze those feelings to death—poke holes in them—but she took them at face value, trusted in him, and didn’t need to question further. Plus, she had work to do.

God, he loved that about her.

She loved him. He still couldn’t believe it.

“Believe it.” She sat down in her father’s huge and overly ornate leather desk chair and opened the file on the top of the stack.

“Did I say it out loud?” He looked around in case some of the dead animals had heart it too and had a comment.

“Yes.” She skimmed the top page of the file, flipped to the next one, and then next one. “Son of a bitch.”

“What?” He glanced over her shoulder. He leaned down to get a better look. “Those look like medical files.”

“They’re mine from when I was pregnant with AJ.” She scanned the entire file. “It even includes his birth.”

Hungry for anything related to his son, he practically ripped the file from her hands. “These are the notes from your midwife.”

The lack of money issue aside, he could totally see her having a home birth. Did she want more children? It was probably a bad idea to ask her while he was holding the medical file from the last birth. He was okay with a home birth provided there was a team of highly-trained specialists hanging around her bed, waiting for her to deliver. It wasn’t likely that she’d say yes to this. Maybe he could have them all dress as workers around the house. Nah, she’d probably notice.

He leaned against the desk and read every single page of the file. According to this, Debra had a normal pregnancy. There had been nothing to cause concern. He skimmed the file again. She’d said something about if she’d had an ultrasound, it would have found the—um—issue with AJ. Would knowing have been better or worse?

In the last couple of days, he’d done lots of research into neural tube disorders. With one as severe as AJ’s, after the ultrasound, they would have recommended that she terminate the pregnancy. That would have been a terrible decision for her to make all alone.

Watching him devour the notes, Debra raised one eyebrow. “Sooo, are you satisfied that I took care of myself?”.

“It’s not that, it’s just that I’m hungry for anything about our baby boy.” He closed the file and set it back on top of the desk. “I just…I wish I could have met him…you know, to let him know that I love him. Tell him that I’m sorry and that I should have been a better dad.” Tears burned the inside of his nose. He felt like a pussy, but he couldn’t help it. He’d missed so much and all because he’d thought he was doing the right thing. “I hate that you went through all of this alone and then suffered because of it for the last ten years. It makes me sick when I think about it.”

He put his hand over his stomach as if that could ease the nausea rolling around inside.

She took his hand and brought it to her lips. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Of all the things she could have said.

“For telling me. For opening up…for being honest. For loving me enough to hurt because you know that I hurt. That sounds terrible to say, but it’s kind of nice.” She fisted their hands and brought it to her heart. “I dealt with AJ’s birth by trying to forget about him, but Sweet Louise showed me that celebrating his life and forgiving myself was a better way.” She smiled. “Having Julia tell me that he hangs around me is so glorious. I talk to him now; it makes me laugh. I’ve finally made peace with my past. Yes, you weren’t there for him or me, but you’ll be there for our other children.”

His heart bounced around his chest and landed in his throat. “You want other children?”

Every cell in his body waited on her answer.

“Of course. In fact, it’s one of my deal breakers.” She kissed his hand and then let it go. “I want children. If you don’t, you’d better come around to wanting some.”

He didn’t know it was possible to love her more than he did two seconds ago. “How many bedrooms are in this house?”

He wanted to fill them with their family either the conventional way or they could adopt. Hell, they could buy some kids for all that he cared.

“So you don’t mind if we live here?” She tried to sound nonchalant, but she wanted it so badly.

“My life is wherever you are. I’m happy to make this house our home because it makes you happy and that makes me happy.” He didn’t care one bit that being in love made him mushy.

“You are so awesome.” She winked at him. “I’m so lucky.”

Pride fairly radiated out of him. She thought she was lucky. He was the lucky one.

“What are your other deal breakers?” As a successful businessman, he knew it was best to know the terms of the contract before entering into the contract, but since he’d do pretty much whatever she wanted, this was really only lip service.

“Same as any other woman. You load the dishwasher, take out the trash, pledge to love and adore me the rest of my life, and never wear socks with sandals. Oh, and fanny packs are expressly forbidden from ever entering our house.” She grinned. “How about you? What are your deal breakers?”

“Don’t have any. I’ll take you any way that I can have you.” He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

She shook her head and frowned. “I don’t know what they taught you about contract negation in business school, but you just conceded everything. My father taught me to never go into a negotiation without knowing three things,” she held up her index finger, “one, know what you want.” She held up another finger, “two, know what you’re willing to take,” she held up another finger, “and three, know what you can’t live with and will always be willing to walk away from.”

“All in all, a very good strategy…only there’s nothing I can’t live with except you and I’m never walking away again.” He shrugged. “It’s less of a negotiation and more of a complete computation.”

“Wow. That makes me feel very powerful.” She nudged him with her knee playfully. “I guess those How To Dominate Men lessons from Sweet Louise are working.”

“Like you needed any help in that area. I’m willing to bet that men have been falling at your feet since you could walk.” He wanted to do so many things for her…all she had to do was ask, but she would never ask because she was too busy doing it herself, and that was one of the gazillion things that he loved about her.

“That’s only because I tripped them. Men falling at my feet was never my problem, it was the way they tried to walk all over me getting back up.” She rolled her eyes.

“I can see how that was a problem since you’ve never let anyone walk all over you.” Not even her father, and man had he ever tried. “Now, if you wanted to dress up in some slinky black leather and try your hand at dominating me, I could probably be persuaded into some handcuffs shackled to a bedpost.”

“Really?” She cocked her head to the left. “Here I am waiting for you to make your move before old age forces me into retirement, and you’ve been waiting for me to tie you to my bed. Wow, lots of things have changed. Before, you always said that a real man makes the first move.”

“Since when have you ever listened to me?” He’d never been much of a submissive, but he was willing to give it a try.

“True.” She grinned. “I bet we can find some handcuffs around here somewhere.” She cringed and looked around. “On second thought, used handcuffs sound like a really bad idea.”

“I’m with you on the handcuffs. Okay, this is really bothering me.” He went to the safe, grabbed the ugliest pair of sunglasses he’d ever seen, went to the bobcat poised to pounce, and placed the sunglasses over the scary golden eyes of the animal.

“You realize that those sunglasses are real…right?” She sat back in the chair and regarded him.

“Yes, really ugly.” He turned back to her.

“They belonged to The King.” She continued to watch him and smiled sweetly.

“The king of what.” Why would her father have some king’s sunglasses? He looked back at them. There wasn’t an official seal or crest or anything.

“The King of rock and roll. They belonged to Elvis.”

He froze. “Presley?”

He was a huge Elvis Presley fan. He loved all music and took much pleasure and comfort in it.

She shook her head. “I don’t think Elvis Costello would have been caught dead in those.”

He turned around, gingerly removed the sunglasses, and placed them back in the safe. “Wow. You’re dad was way cooler than I’d thought.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” She placed her hand on the medical file. “But I’d love to know why he had these.”

“It looks like he was making sure you were okay.” Warren was like sixty percent sure that was the case.

Her hazel eyes went wide and she reminded him of one of the deer hanging on the wall. Debra blinked once and then twice. “I don’t understand.”

He smiled. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that her father had cared…a lot, in fact…about her and the baby. “It’s what I would have done if I’d have known about AJ and you wouldn’t let me near you. I would have wanted to make sure that you and the baby were okay, so I’d have finagled a copy of your medical records from the hospital or your midwife.” Hell, he’d have stolen the records if he couldn’t charm his way to them. “We men like to make sure that our women are okay by whatever means necessary.”

She glanced at the bear. “If you’re thinking about wrestling that to the ground and bringing it home to our cave, I hate to tell you, it’s already dead.”

“I don’t make the rules. Men protect what’s ours. It’s in our DNA. We can’t help it.” So what if he checked the air pressure in her tires every morning. If he could figure out a way to discreetly check her engine fluids he would. Was it possible to have a spare car key made at Home Depot? For that matter, did she even have a car key or was it one of those fob things like he had?