The Decision (103 page)

‘Let me, it’s the least I can do. You’ve been so kind. What are you drinking?’

‘Guinness,’ she said. ‘A pint, please. Very good of you. May I join you for a bit? I won’t stay long, never do, just the one and I’m back off home to bed.’

‘Us too,’ said Eliza with an innocent smile at Toby. She was suddenly hugely enjoying this.

‘Toby, please try to relax. You’ll have a heart attack in a minute. Now look, I’m going along the corridor to the bathroom, clean my teeth and stuff and you can get undressed. OK?’

‘Yes, OK. Well actually – I’ll go first. Oh, I don’t know.’

He seemed incredibly stressed, stripped of his usual self-confidence. Eliza was surprised. She’d have expected him to take it more in his stride.

‘I’ll go first,’ she said.

When she got back, he was waiting by the door; he bolted out of it. Eliza sighed and undressed down to her bra and pants, then after a moment took the bra off and replaced it with the denim shirt she’d been wearing. It seemed less compromising. She sat down on the bed; it was quite hard and it creaked horribly. But – it was large. They could lie quite easily – on their separate sides.

She decided he would be happier if she turned the light out, but the switch was by the door; he came in and climbed in beside her.

‘Goodnight,’ he said, very formally.

‘Goodnight, Toby. Sleep well. Er – could you turn the light off?’

‘Oh – yes, sure.’

She watched him as he half-ran across the room; he was wearing only his underpants. He had a very good body, she noticed – purely out of academic interest of course – he was lean and muscly and his shoulders were much broader than she had realised.

‘Night,’ he said again, turning his back very carefully on her.

‘Night, Toby. Sweet dreams.’

‘Gina, please!’

‘Please what, Matt? Please go away? Please leave me to what is clearly a very enjoyable evening? Please don’t be embarrassing?’

She nodded at Louise. ‘Hello. Nice to see you again. You must forgive me for intruding. I’ve heard how much you’ve been helping Matt with his case; it seems I was right about your motives. And I might say you’re doing a lot better with him than I am. He won’t even appear in public with me, never mind snogging. This is a very nice hotel, Louise, I presume you can have a room at very short notice. Most convenient. Well, I’ll let you get on. Enjoy your evening.’

And she was gone, her high heels clacking across the hard wooden floor.

‘Oh, God,’ said Matt, ‘I’m sorry, Louise. She’s a bit – highly strung.’

‘You could say that. Or you could say she was a bit rude. Or a bit mad. Are you still seeing her, then?’

‘Not – not really.’

‘It sounds as if you are. What was all that about, my motives?’

‘Oh – oh nothing … Look, you must feel very embarrassed in front of your manager and everything, maybe we’d better go.’

‘What, up to a room, as the whole bar will now be expecting? I don’t think so. I think we should stay here, nice and calm, and carry on with the champagne. And you can explain, perhaps, exactly what she meant.’

‘Louise—’

‘No, I want to know.’

‘Well – I’ll – I’ll try.’

He tried.

‘That’s just totally ridiculous.’

‘I know. I’m just telling you what she said.’

‘I mean—’

‘I know.’

‘It’s – well, it’s crazy.’

‘I know.’

‘I just wanted to help, that’s all.’

‘I know.’

‘I mean of course I’m very – I’m fond of you.’

‘Really?’

‘Of course.’

‘I thought you hated me.’

‘Now Matt, that’s just stupid. Of course I don’t hate you. As I said, I’m quite – quite fond of you.’

‘I know. I mean, I know you don’t actually hate me. I didn’t realise you were – fond of me.’

‘Hang on. Probably I should have said I liked you. Yes, I like you. Quite a lot.’

‘Ah.’

‘We go back a long way, after all.’

‘We do.’

‘Years and years.’

‘And for most of them, we spent a lot of time fighting.’

‘Yes, we did. But you deserved it.’

‘Oh, Louise.’

‘Oh, Matt. What’s the matter, what’s gone wrong, you look as if you’re going to – to cry.’

‘I feel like crying,’ he said, ‘suddenly.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I’m a complete and utter bastard. And I’ve made a complete and utter hash of everything.’

‘Not a complete and utter hash. Complete and utter bastard – well, arguable, I’d say.’

‘No, don’t. Don’t start trying to make me feel better about myself. You can’t. I’m a bastard, and I didn’t deserve Eliza and I’ve behaved appallingly towards her, for years and years, and I don’t deserve Emmie, and I’m behaving appallingly to her, and – oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. Oh, Christ, I think I’d better go home.’

‘No. No, don’t. Why don’t you come back to my place. Just for a bit. Just for some – whisky. Whisky and sympathy.’

Eliza woke up, feeling very hot and longing for a pee. She eased herself cautiously onto her back and lay there for a bit, listening to Toby snoring. His concern about their situation was clearly not severe enough to keep him awake.

She slid as carefully as she could out of bed, cursing the creaking, worked her way towards the door and opened it; switched the landing light on and scuttled along to the loo.

God, it was hot.

Back in the room, it was stifling; she tried to open the window, but it seemed to be jammed. She looked at her watch: only half past two. A long time ahead, to be this uncomfortable. Well – maybe –

She pulled her shirt off, and lay down again. And then her pants. Toby was far too deeply asleep to notice.

She’d never get back to sleep; never. She lay there, trying all the tricks, relaxing all over from her toes up, saying the alphabet backwards, counting backwards, counting sheep – she sighed. At least the snoring had stopped …

‘You awake?’ said Toby.

‘Yes. Are you?’

‘No.’

She giggled.

‘It’s awfully hot, isn’t it?’

‘Yes. I might try and open the window. Let’s see – oh damn, stubbed my fucking toe – I’ll have to put the light on …’

He sank onto the bed, rubbing his toe; and then turned and saw her. Sitting up, stark naked.

‘Oh God,’ he said, and then again, ‘oh, my God,’ and then, ‘turn the fucking light off, for Christ’s sake.’

It all happened very quickly after that.

She came back to the bed, and lay down on it and turned her head to him. And he reached out a hand and touched one of her breasts very gently and slowly. And then he said, ‘I – don’t think I can stand this any longer. You?’

‘I can’t stand it either.’

And then he turned on his side, and pulled her into his arms and started to kiss her. Hard. And quite – well, yes, impatiently. As he did most things. And as if he couldn’t get enough of her, fast enough.

And then … and then … and then …

She wanted him so much, wanted it so much, it shocked her. Everything, her anxiety, her grief, her remorse was gone, thrown aside in its wake, in a great roaring, raging wave of desire, selfish, greedy, desperate. Her body took his in and could not have enough of it; she yearned, sought, soared into delight, into a clear, bright, brilliant pleasure, that spread through her, swiftly, sweetly, wonderfully, reaching into her most secret self, into her head and into her heart. And when finally she collapsed, trembling, weak with relief and release, she realised he was almost laughing, very quietly, his hand over her mouth, the sheet over their heads.

‘God, you’re noisy,’ he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice.

‘I know. I’m sorry.’

‘That and the bed combined. It was amazing. You are amazing. I – I loved it,’ he said after a pause, and the words surprised and touched her. ‘Are you always that noisy?’

‘I’m afraid so. Sorry.’

‘I should like to think you weren’t,’ he said, ‘I should like to think those extremely unladylike shrieks were simply because of me. Please don’t tell me otherwise.’

‘I won’t. Toby, it was lovely. Really lovely. Thank you.’

‘My pleasure. My great, huge pleasure.’

‘Do you think—’ She stopped.

‘What?’

‘Do you think it would have happened, if we hadn’t been here, if we’d just driven home and—’

‘Not yet,’ he said, ‘most assuredly not yet.’

‘That’s a bit – insulting. That you only did it because I was here.’

‘Fidgeting about, waking me up. Well, yes. But it would only have been a postponement. I’ve thought about it ever since I first set eyes on you, in Philip Gordon’s office.’

‘You haven’t!’ she said, and she was genuinely and most sweetly astonished.

‘Yes, I have. I might have seemed to be thinking about witnesses and evidence and rights of access, but actually I was thinking I wonder what she looks like without her clothes on, and I wonder what she’s like in bed.’

‘I bet you weren’t.’

‘Maybe not exactly. But I thought how very lovely you were and how you were the very first woman for a long, long time who had – well, moved me, is the only expression.’

‘Oh, Toby. That’s so – so nice.’

‘It’s true. And now I know, you look pretty good without your clothes on and you are not half bad in bed. How about you?’

‘I just thought you were very scary.’

‘Just?’

‘Well, I found you a bit – disturbing.’

‘Disturbing – such a sexy word. I feel a little bit disturbed again now actually.’

‘I—’

There was the sound of a door opening, footsteps in the corridor, the light showed through a crack in the door.

‘We’re going to get expelled,’ she whispered.

‘Shush—’

The light went out again, the door was heard to close, the house became silent.

‘Phew!’

‘Yes, but—’

‘Yes, but what—’

‘I find I rather want you again. Even more. You?’

‘I – might do,’ she said, sitting up, pulling the pillows from under them, hurling them across the room.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Let’s do it on the floor. Must be quieter.’

‘But – will you be quieter?’

‘I’ll try. Come on, come on, don’t keep me waiting …’

She woke up at six, back in bed, to find the sun flooding into the room and Toby gone; she looked round, alarmed. Had he fled, back into the anonymity of London, safe from the disgrace of flouting the rules of the Bar? Had he hitched a ride into Marlow, the nearest town, and picked up a hire car and left her to sort things out without him?

He hadn’t. He came back in, one of the very small towels they had been given round his waist, his hair wet.

‘Sorry. Went to have a bath. Now listen. We have to have a talk.’

This was it. He was going to tell her it had been great, but it was over, a mere trifle of delight, and they must return to their old selves, of counsel and client, probably never to see one another again, after Friday’s verdict when his work was done.

‘From now on,’ he said, affirming her fears, ‘we must forget this. Forget how we feel, how we’ve behaved, how we discovered one another. I cannot tell you how important that is. The merest hint of what has gone on, and we would both of us be done for in that courtroom. If I am to fight for you and for Emmie, I must do it on my own terms, dispassionately and temperately; as if, indeed, you and I had hardly met. No exchanges of smiles or looks or—’

‘Kisses?’ she said, her face very serious, and he scowled at her until he realised she was teasing him.

‘Kisses, fine. Any time. Just blow them from the witness box, if you feel like it. No, Eliza, nothing. And I have to tell you something else. You may not like me very much as the week goes on. I shall quite possibly give you a hard time; I shall certainly give the other side a hard time. You could see someone quite – brutal. I think you should be prepared for that.’

‘Yes,’ she said, and she felt quite nervous suddenly, not about the case, but of him. ‘Yes, all right. But—’

‘No buts. It’s too important.’

So it had been just – just a momentary thing. Born of an accident.

‘I was going to say afterwards. What will happen afterwards. Will we – can you – should I—’ and then because his face had grown quite hard, shockingly so after what they had shared that night, she lapsed into silence, and felt very afraid. That it had been just a one occasion thing. An – accident, born of chance and proximity, a piece of torment from Fate.

There was a long silence. Then he said, ‘Afterwards, if you still so wish, and after a very slightly decent interval, we can meet and explore one another and how we feel. We have a long way to go, we’ve both been hurt, we’re both – scared is probably the right word. But – I think, I would like that, if you would. And with time, and possibly even a quieter, softer, less creaky bed.’