The Deepest Blue (19 page)

I ran for his arms. He held me, kissed my head, pulled me up, and sat me on his knee. “How about we get some breakfast and then maybe go for a swim later on?”

I nod. “Where are we?”

“Pendleton, Oregon. A long way from home—and a lot closer to happy.” He smiled at me, a small but genuine smile, and I began to relax a little. “I'll tell you what: Why don't you watch some cartoons while I grab a quick shower?” He put me on the floor and then turned on the television. He flipped through a few channels until he found something with Scooby Doo. I crawled back onto the bed and listened to the water running in the bathroom. After a few minutes I went to the window and looked outside. Green trees dotted the brown hillside. In the parking lot, I could see our light-blue car, covered in a coat of dust and speckled with dots I guessed were caused by rain.

I stared at the car for a long time, wondering if Julia could find us here. I started to cry. Nothing made any sense. It felt like my head was swimming but my body was standing still. Dad came into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair dripping water down his shoulders. “You okay there, son?”

I sniffed and tried to sound convincing. “Yeah.”

“You ready to get dressed and get some breakfast?”

I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my pajamas. “Yeah,” I said again. I turned from the window and looked at my
dad as seriously as my five-year-old face could manage. “We aren't going to live here, are we?” I didn't really ask; I made it a statement.

“No, son. We're just here for a few days.”

“Where are we going to live?”

“In North Carolina.”

I had heard the name before, but I didn't know where it was. My puzzlement must have shown on my face. Dad sat on the bed and patted the space next to him. “We have a long way to go. It's clear across the country, and it will take us almost a week to drive there.”

“What about Mommy? Where will she live?”

“Maybe in Seattle.” Dad put his arm around my shoulder. “Maybe she'll move somewhere else.”

I thought for a minute about my life without my mom. I remembered what I'd heard her say the night before, “. . . ruined my life, . . . you wanted him, not me.” Even as a five-year-old, I knew what she was saying. Even at five. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her say things like that. I had always tried to be extra nice, extra helpful, and on my best behavior when she said things like that. I would have done anything to make her love me, and even when I heard her say mean things, I really believed she loved me deep inside, that maybe her real feelings had just gotten lost.

Dad pulled open a drawer in the beat-up, hotel dresser. He took out some shorts and a T-shirt for me and laid them on the bed. “You get dressed while I finish. I'm a little hungry. How about you?”

I started to take off my pajamas. “Yeah.” Really, I wasn't much hungry at all.

We dressed and headed to the restaurant where I got pancakes with a smiley face made of fruit and whipped cream, and Dad got hash browns and eggs with a big slice of ham plus coffee. After breakfast we went swimming, but I couldn't enjoy the water. When dark clouds began to gather, Dad said we had to get out of the pool.

We passed a week this way, though it was a different hotel each night, a different place for breakfast in the morning, and so many fast food places in between that I didn't eat hamburgers for years after we got settled.

But with each day, I felt safer, calmer than the day before, and when we reached Wilmington, North Carolina, I was ready for anything. A few times I got my dad to let me call Julia. She would tell me she didn't want to talk to me because I chose which side I was on, and it wasn't hers. After a time, I didn't want to call her at all, though Dad made me try on holidays.

The years went by, and I honestly never thought about her other than those times when someone would ask where my mother was. I could go for months without thinking of her, and I was fine.

Now she stands over me like a dark shadow, a bad memory that has come back unbidden. She steps away from the door like she expects me to get out of the car and follow her.

“We need to talk,” she repeats.

“I've got nothing to say to you,” I say. “I don't know
you, and you don't know me.”

“This isn't good for either one of us, and you know it. Let's not make things harder than they need to be.” Her voice has a fake sweetness to it that grates on my already raw nerves.

“You're the one making them harder. Why don't you just crawl back into your hole and leave me alone? My life is perfectly fine without you.”

Jayden reaches over and puts a hand on my arm. “Dude, what do you want me to do?” His voice is low and serious.

“Get me the hell out of here.”

“What about Rachel?”

“She'll have to fend for herself.”

Julia steps closer again, standing right inside the open door so I can't slam it shut.

Jayden revs the engine.

“You'd better move, lady, because I've got no problem taking you out with this door.” I look up at her. Her jaw is clenched, and her feet are firmly planted. There is no sign that she is worried I will knock her over with the car door.

“I swear to God, Julia, you'd better get the hell out of my way.”

“You won't go anywhere. You ran off on me before. Not this time.”

“I didn't run off on you.” The insanity of the remark makes my voice climb higher. “You
told
Dad and me to leave. You said
we
ruined your life.”

She looks at me with a severe gaze. “Who told you that lie? Did Rich tell you that?”

I jump out of the car, barely able to keep myself under control. I'm taller than she is by a good four inches, and my shoulders block the sun and cast a shadow on her. “I was there, remember? I heard it from your own mouth.”

Every muscle in my body is taut, ready to run. My fists tighten, then release. Despite the rage that seethes inside me, I could never hit her. I remember that night, all the banging and slamming. I remember my dad telling me later when I asked him that she kicked the walls, threw pans and books, and threatened to throw us both down the stairs. I remember being so afraid of that kind of anger that I swore I'd never go there. But here I am. My gift from Julia, my genetic inheritance from her: rage.

Her back is pressed against the door, and I see just the slightest bit of fear in her eyes. But it is the anger that shows most.

“What do you want from me. I was never good enough for you. I was never what you wanted, so why do you care now?”

“I'm your mother.” She spits the words at me as if they are poison. “It's my job to take care of you now that Rich is gone.”

Jayd revs the engine again, and behind me I hear hushed voices.

“So I'm, what, a trophy? You lost the game ten years ago, and now you want your prize anyway?” A sarcastic
laugh leaps out of my throat. “I'm just really a toy to you, aren't I? Just a possession. You don't really love me, you just want something that my dad took away so you can say you won.”

She looks me in the eye, her face defiant, obviously unmoved by anything I've said. “You don't understand,” she says. “I paid child support all these years. It nearly broke me sometimes.”

“Oh, so it's about the money?” I jump into the car and reach behind her for the door handle. “You'd better get the hell out of my way.”

Julia stands her ground.

I look at Jayd. “Just go.”

“I can't,” he says, motioning to the door. “Dude, we can't do this.”

Another figure comes to the side of the car. “Mike, you need to head out.” It's Chuck, and he's taking Julia by the arm, but she's fighting him.

“I'm calling the police,” she yells.

“Julia, you need to step away and let him go,” Chuck says. He has her lightly but firmly in his grasp. “This will all be settled in the courts.”

Julia spins, wrenching her arm out of his grip. Chuck steps out of the door opening and slams the door shut. Jayd sticks the car in gear and pulls away from the tangle of people who have now surrounded Chuck and Julia.

We speed past the cars in the lot. I see Rachel coming out the front door, but we don't stop. Her head flips as we fly by, a look of shock and confusion on her face.

“Where do you want to go?” Jayd asks when we hit the main road.

“Take me to the marina. I want to go to the boat.”

chapter 16

The boat sways and rocks in its moorings, the water lapping against the sides. I climb into the wheelhouse and sit in the captain's chair. Jayd climbs up behind me and flops on the bench seat next to the wheel. The parking lot is almost full, so the marina is almost empty. Most of the boats are out on fishing or sightseeing charters. The
Lolly Gag
bobs gently in the next slip, and the
Cap'n Dan
is a few slots down, shifting with the wake of passing speedboats outside the harbor. Both of them are quiet and dark.

“You okay?” Jayd asks.

“Better.” I spin the chair until it faces backward, looking toward the dock and the parking lot beyond. “I can't believe she showed up.”

“Weird,” Jayden says. “What's her deal?”

“She thinks I'm moving back to Washington with her. She thinks I'm some kind of trophy, some kind of prize she won.”

Jayden runs his hand through his hair, leans back, and
spreads his arms wide along the rail behind him. “So how can I help?”

“Just being here is a help. Just getting me out of there.”

Jayd lets his head drop back. The faded blue canvas awning is pulled up over the wheelhouse like an artificial sky. It shades the small space from the pressing summer heat. He lets his head rest on the railing, his body sliding out from the bench and under the captain's chair. “So what happens next? Do you really have to leave with her?”

“We have court sometime tomorrow,” I say. “I have a lawyer; she's cool. She knows her stuff.”

“You have a lawyer? Not Chuck?” Jayd sits up. “Why not Chuck?”

“Too much history,” I say, spinning the chair around to face the bow. “He's afraid the judge will think I've been influenced by him because he knew my dad and because he's friends with Maggie.” I rest my arms on the cool metal wheel and lay my head on my hands. “My lawyer's name is Ms. Young. I guess she knows Chuck, or she's a friend or something.”

Jayd leans toward me, resting his arms on his thighs. “Can I go to court with you?”

“I don't know. I'll ask tonight and let you know.” I turn the chair forward. From where I sit, I can look out from the marina to the open water, stretching miles and miles from where we're docked. The sun is high and the air is still. The sky is a blinding blue, and all the clouds from the storms of the past few days have moved along to
pester some other part of the South. I want to take the boat out about twenty miles and just drift in the current for a while. I want to feel the rock and sway of being on deep water.

Jayd's cell phone rings, and he pops it out of his pocket and taps it with his fingertip. “Yeah,” he says. “Just hang on. It wasn't like that.” He moves the phone away from his ear and covers the mouthpiece. “It's Rachel,” he says, then hands the phone to me.

I put the phone to my ear. Rachel is shouting something, but I can't understand her. “Rachel,” I say loudly into the phone. She stops yelling. “Rachel,” I say again, softer than the first time. “I'm sorry. I had to get out of there fast.”

“Michael, what happened?” She sounds slightly angry, but mostly worried.

“Julia found me in the parking lot,” I say. “She made a scene, tried to get me to go off with her or something.”

“Are you okay? Where are you?”

I sigh. “I'm okay. I'm someplace safe.” I don't want to let anyone know where I am. I can't take the chance that Julia will find out and come looking for me again.

“But where?” Rachel says. “I want to come and see you.”

The sound of her voice is as soft as her skin. My body aches to have her close. “I'm at the boat,” I say, figuring Julia doesn't know who Rachel is, so it's probably safe. “But don't tell anyone except Maggie or Chuck.”

“Can I see you tonight?” Her voice is gentle, like it was at the house, like when I lay with her.

“I don't know. I want to, but I don't know if it will work.” I feel a tightness in my chest, an anxiety about wanting to be with her. I want to feel her skin against mine. I want to touch her and kiss her and smell the soft perfume of her skin.

“Call me and let me know where you will be. Maybe I can come to you.”

“Come to the boat,” I say. I don't know why. It's the middle of the day and there is almost no privacy on the boat, but I just want her close.

“I'll see if I can get a ride.”