The Deepest Cut (13 page)

“I don’t mind.”

I could tell by his expression that he didn’t mind. In fact, I think he needed to sleep on my floor as much as I needed him to. “Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind.”

He actually smiled. “Just make sure you don’t tell any of your friends.”

“Trust me, I promise I won’t say anything.”

He went into his room and I took the opportunity to change out of my sweaty T-shirt.

By the time I came out of the bathroom in a fresh oversized T-shirt, he was walking through the door with his comforter and two pillows.

“Thanks, Shane.”

“No problem.”

He curled up on the floor between my bed and the door, and we fell into an awkward silence.

“Riley?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened to your legs?” he asked.

“What are those marks?”

My stomach clenched tight as my mind raced about what to say. I didn’t want to lie to him, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. I had lived in fear of the sub-ject ever coming up. “When I was in the mausoleum I was a little freaked out and I accidentally scratched myself.”

He swallowed hard. “Janie Anderson told me you cut yourself.”

My heartbeat was a roar in my ears.

“I didn’t believe her until one day when you left your backpack on the bus. Alex and a couple of his buddies went through it to see

who it belonged to…and he found a blade.

He swore to me that he would never breathe a word to anyone—well, except for Janie.”

I remembered Alex, how sweet he’d been, especially after our mom had died. He’d been our next-door neighbor since his family moved across the street the year I’d started Kindergarten. Janie was his equally sweet band-geek girlfriend.

“I
have
cut.”

He flinched, and I could tell by his expression that he didn’t want to believe it.

“But you don’t anymore,
right
?”

I chewed the inside of my lip. “I don’t want to anymore.”

His brow furrowed as he thought about it for a few seconds. “I won’t say a word to anybody, I swear.”

“Thanks, Shane.”

“If you ever need to talk about anything, just let me know. I don’t want you hurting yourself, Ri.”

Hearing the sincerity in his voice made my throat tighten. “Okay,” I said, laying down as a myriad of emotions rushed through me, including embarrassment. It was one thing to own up to cutting to Ian who had caught me red-handed, but admitting I had a problem to my brother was tougher than I thought it would be.

“Riley, do you ever dream about Mom?”

My heart skipped a beat. “Yeah, do you?”

“Sometimes. Actually, I used to dream about her every night after she first died, but now the dreams don’t come as often. In fact, half the time I don’t dream at all.”

“It’s probably all that pot you’re smoking.”

He laughed under his breath, and I smiled at the sound. God, I missed that laugh. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

He sat up, hooked his arms around his knees. “You don’t have to answer me if you

don’t want to…but do you remember anything about the accident?”

The shrink used to ask me that question every single time I’d visit him, and I know my dad was curious about the details of that night, but he never pushed me. “No, I just remember waking up in the hospital and Dad sitting beside my bed.”

Shane chewed on his thumbnail.

“I really am sorry, Shane.”

He frowned. “About what?”

“About Mom.”

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like—”

“You didn’t. I just feel responsible.” My voice cracked and he was beside me a second later, hugging me.

“I should have just come home on time that—”

“Listen.” His hands cupped my face. I had never seen him so serious before. “Mom’s death wasn’t your fault, Ri.”

“But we wouldn’t have been in the car at that minute.”

“She could have been on the way to the store to pick up milk, or picking me up from practice.” He hugged me again. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like to have been there. It could have been me in that car. It could have been Dad.”

But it hadn’t been. It had been me, and I had to live with that guilt forever.

“Just know it’s not your fault, Ri. It never has been. It never will be. I don’t want you to ever think that I blame you.”

My breath left me in a rush. I’d wanted to hear those words for so long.

“It’s alright,” he said, squeezing me tight.

I rested my head on his shoulder and let the tears fall.

Johan drove his Peugeot with nice rims and tires through the windy Scottish roads like he was in a race. My blood pressure kept rising with the speed gauge.

I’m not sure if he was trying to impress me, but I was anything but impressed by the time we pulled into the parking lot of the movie theater in the heart of Aberdeen, a large city on the northeastern coast of Scotland.

In fact, I could have dropped to my knees and kissed the ground, I was so happy to be out of the car.

Milo farted, and Megan crawled out of the backseat, laughing and waving her hand in front of her face. “You’re rotten, you know that.”

Milo reached for her. “Ah, come on, my darlin’. It’s not that bad. Show me some love.”

Their playfulness seemed to ease some of the tension that had been building for the past hour. I was still mad that I’d been completely setup. A “movie with friends” had ended up being a double date. I was all about safety in numbers, but I would have been happier being a third wheel. This current situation is exactly what I’d been hoping to avoid.

Johan rounded the car, and I slid my hands into the pockets of my jacket. He fell into step beside me and put his hand on my back as we walked toward the theater. It wouldn’t be so bad if I knew Johan just wanted to be friends, but I’d been in Braemar long enough to guess his reputation. I had a feeling he wanted more than friendship, and I was worried that I had given him the wrong impression the night of Milo’s party when I had unwittingly reached for his hand.

I would just have to be brutally honest with him.

· · · · ·

The movie ended up being just as uncomfortable as the car ride itself. Ninety-three endless minutes of Johan looking for any opportunity to touch me, and when he pulled a silver flask from his pocket and offered me a drink, I shook my head. He was ready to take a sip when I asked him what it was.

“Whiskey,” he’d said, with lifted brows and a devilish smile, offering it to me again.

“But you’re driving.”

“Yeah, and…” he said with a dip-shit smile on his face. “I’ll just have a couple of swigs.”

“The roads are windy and I don’t think it’s a good idea. Unless you want me to drive your car…” Not only was I not old enough to

drive in Scotland, but they drove on the opposite side of the road.

He sighed heavily, screwed the cap back on, and put the flask back in his pocket.

Megan and Milo were oblivious, laughing under their breath throughout the movie, much to the aggravation of the couple in front of us. When they started making out, I couldn’t help but think of Ian, and what it would feel like to kiss him the same way.

Just thinking about him brought a smile to my face. Seeing him was the highlight of my day.

I jumped when Johan’s hand slid to my thigh, and my stomach clenched with dread.

This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.

I opened my mouth to say something, but snapped it closed just as quickly. I could always push his hand away.

Megan leaned across Johan. “Riley, I have to use the bathroom. You want to come

with me?” she asked, glancing at Johan’s hand on my thigh.

Thank God.

“Sure,” I said, jumping up and ignoring Milo’s smart-ass remark about girls never being able to pee without reinforcements.

I used the bathroom, and when I came out, Megan was putting lipstick on.

She caught my reflection in the mirror.

“So what do you think of Johan?”

“He’s a nice guy.”

“Nice as in you’d like to go out with him again?”

“Nice as in I like him as a friend.” Oh my God, I was beginning to sound like a broken record. “Honestly, Megan, I wouldn’t have come today had I known it was just the four of us.”

“Milo’s brother and one of his friend’s were going to come but bailed on us at the last minute, I swear.”

I wanted to believe her, but given her track record so far, I wasn’t so sure. “So since we’re on the topic––what really happened between Johan and Cassandra? Were they ever together?”

Megan pressed her lips together. “Yes, and she liked him, but he’s just not into her.”

She glanced at me. “It’s probably just as well that you don’t like him. He’s a heartbreaker, that one.”

Weren’t they all?

“Can you keep a secret?” she asked, lowering her voice.

I nodded. “Of course.”

“I mean it, Riley. You can’t tell a soul.”

I rested my hip against the sink. “I swear.”

She lifted her pinky up to me, and I almost asked if she was kidding, but I could tell by her expression she wasn’t.

We hooked pinkies and pinky-sweared, and I felt like I was in fifth grade all over again.

“A few months ago Cassandra and Johan started seeing each other. Just casually, but it grew serious pretty fast. He seemed to like her and she definitely liked him. He took her out, and well—she gave up her virginity, and then a few weeks later he drops her—just like that,” she said, snapping her fingers.

“Back home we called those kinds of guys man-whores.”

She laughed. “Johan
is
a man-whore. I mean, he can be a complete wanker, but he can be a nice guy too. The problem is he loses interest with a girl the minute he gets what he wants.”

“Maybe one day he’ll find a girl who breaks his heart and then he’ll see how it feels.”

“Yeah, that would be good for him.”

Megan dropped the lipstick in her purse. “I

know Cass comes across as sort of a bitch but now maybe you understand why she acts like she does.”

“I do.”

“He really hurt her, and despite how she can be sometimes, she didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”

“Please tell her that this wasn’t a date,” I said, knowing the last thing I needed in my life was more drama.

“I will. And I’ll be sure not to leave you and Johan alone.”

“I really do need to get back early.”

She laughed under her breath. “I’ll just tell Johan I have to babysit my little brother.”

“Thanks, Megan. I appreciate it.”

“No problem.” She bit her bottom lip.

“Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say. The night at the glen Shane mentioned that you lost your mum.”

My stomach coiled. “Yeah, we did.”

“I’m sorry, Riley. I’m sorry about opening my big mouth about the library books you checked out. It wasn’t anybody’s business, and I would have never said anything if I hadn’t of been pissed out of my mind the night of Milo’s party.”

I nodded. “I appreciate the apology.”

“If you ever want to talk about it, let me know. I lost my dad when I was four. I don’t really remember him all that much, but I know what it’s like to grow up with only one parent.” Megan scratched the back of her neck. “And my mom is really embarrassing.

She works at the village pub and borrows my clothes all the time. I swear she thinks she’s still a teenager.”

I was glad she was opening up to me, telling me things about her own life. “I’d like to meet your mom sometime.”

“Hey you two, what the hell!” Milo said, popping his head into the bathroom, startling me, and making me wonder how long

he’d been standing there. “The movie’s been over for a bloody hour.”

Megan rolled her eyes.

An old woman walked past Milo and shook her head.

“Sorry,” Megan said, rushing toward him.

“My mom called. I have to watch Liam this evening, so we have to get back.”

“Ah, for feck’s sake, man. She’s always goin’ out and leavin’ you to watch the lil’

shit,” Milo said, not at all hiding his disgust.

“We can watch a DVD when we get back to my place,” Megan said, unapologetically.

She kissed him on the cheek and he put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Just remember that I’m babysitting.”

“Yeah right,” Milo said with a smirk.

Johan walked out of the men’s bathroom, a strange expression on his face, making me wonder if he’d overheard Megan and me talking.

On the drive home Johan kept sliding his hand on my thigh every time he shifted gears. Now that I knew the real story behind Johan and Cassandra, I was even more determined to let him know we wouldn’t be anything more than friends. I just needed the right opportunity to tell him, and in a car with two other people wasn’t the right time.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we approached Braemar. Within seconds we’d be passing by the castle and as we rounded the bend, I could see the familiar red stones peeking through the trees.

The painter’s car was in the driveway, the front door wide open. Johan followed my gaze. “My cousins will be back in a couple of weeks, and I’ll give you a tour, if you’d like.”

My pulse skittered. “Your cousins?”

“Yeah, my cousins are the MacKinnon’s.”

Johan was actually related to Ian? I didn’t see that one coming. “That would be great. I—I’d love a tour,” I said excitedly

before I realized my enthusiasm might be misinterpreted.

Johan beamed as he looked at me, his eyes all soft and dark. Oh God, I knew that look. I quickly glanced away. His cousins would be back in a couple of weeks, which meant I needed to seriously get on with finding that journal.

As we passed by the cemetery, Laria appeared, right in front of the car. I put my hand up and held my breath. Johan swerved, nearly putting us through a fence before straightening the car out. He looked at me with wide eyes.

“Sorry,” I blurted, embarrassed. “I thought I saw something run out in the road.”

I looked in the side mirror and saw Laria still standing in the middle of the road, watching us, a satisfied smile on her face.

Damn it, I’d reacted exactly as she’d wanted me to.