The Deepest Night (8 page)

i am above you, inside you, within and without,
he
murmurs.
forever and always. that’s the nature of true love.

But
his
words
only
sting.
No. No, you left, and now I’m alone! I’ll always be alone.

there is no shame in being alone. if this is the path you choose, lora, there is no shame. but there are more fates now than yours and mine to consider. there is one of your own beyond this place. he’s trapped and in pain, much as you are here. will you leave him to his suffering?

The
air
tastes
of
copper. The Machine has reached a whine that means it is ready. I know that whine, that particular pitch. It has scored me in ways I will never be able to heal.

A
doctor’s hand reaches for the lever. I look desperately at Jesse, who straightens and sends me one last smile.

dragon-girl. feel free to hit him hard,
he
says, and the lever is thrown and everything goes red.

I jerked awake. Jesse’s hand was still at my cheek, caressing.

“Jes—”

The hand slipped from my cheek to the collar of my nightshirt, to the first button at my breastbone, already undone.

“Eleanore,” rumbled a voice, and the feather mattress sank with the weight of the person at its edge.

I sat up and struck out in one swift motion, my fist connecting with something fleshy that crunched.

Lieutenant Clayworth gave a cry and fell off the bed. Across the hallway, his aunt’s snoring sputtered, stopped—then resumed.

Laurence had landed on his backside, both hands cupped to his nose. I flipped back the covers and leapt to the floor, ready to hit him again.

“What the hell … ?”

I believe that’s what he said. It was pretty garbled from behind his fingers.

“Are you lost?” I whispered, unmoving. “Perhaps searching for a chambermaid up for a tumble?”

“I thought
you
were up for a tumble,” he growled, coming to his feet.

“Yes. Because we got on
so
splendidly this evening, didn’t we?”

Laurence lowered his hands, examining the blood that I could not see but could definitely smell.

I’d learned dancing and deportment at Iverson. At Blisshaven I’d learned how to punch: do it fast, do it hard, keep your thumb tucked and your wrist straight. Don’t run away unless you have to. Make damned sure you win, because if you don’t, you’ll be watching your back for weeks.

“You’re a ruddy bitch, you know that?”

“And you’re a ruddy cad. I know you must know
that
. The only reason you’re in my room is because you think I’m Armand’s summer dalliance. That makes me fair game, eh?”

He leered at me, ugly. “Why should he have all the fun?”

“Because he’s your
friend
, you jackass.”

“What’s the matter? Don’t you want to give it a go with a real man? I’m not some blighter too afraid to enlist. I’m an officer, Eleanore. I’m out there fighting for us.”

Some
blighter
too
afraid
to
enlist.
He meant Armand.

“Try it with me,” Laurence cajoled, sidling closer. “Try it with someone sane. I’ll make it ever so good for you, I swear.”

My body went to ice. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Or we can get as deranged as you want.” He kept inching toward me. “If that’s what you fancy. Howling mad, if that’s what—”

“You think he’s mad. You think Armand’s mad?”

“Can’t blame him if he’s off his onion. Look at his parents. Anyway, better mad than a coward.”

“You rotter,” I breathed. “You stinking, prissed-up, preening bastard. You don’t know anything about him!”

“I know what people say.”

“People like
you
. People who’ve never even been to the front, I’d bet, who’d piss themselves with fear in a real battle. You’re more someone’s secretary than an actual fighting man, am I right? Rich boy like you, no need to get your hands dirty.”

He surged toward me. “Shut up, bitch.”

Dragon reflexes, dragon strength—I hit him again. It was easy. He didn’t even have time to flinch as my arm came up.

He didn’t land on the floor this time. But there was a lot more blood.

“You’re going to leave this place,” I told him, very quiet. “You’re going to leave first thing in the morning, before breakfast. If you don’t, I’ll tell Armand everything. Let him realize what a great friend you are.”

“Like he’d believe a slut like you—”

Something happened then, something I didn’t understand at first. There was a flash of light, silvery purplish, very bright. It showed me Laurence’s face and the blood smeared down his nose and lips, the walls behind him and the furniture and curtains. Everything intensely sharp and clear.

And in that split second of light, I saw myself reflected in his pupils, shining there, frozen. I saw a radiant-eyed monster caged inside a girl.

A Thing within me shifted. A Thing that was huge and twisting and hungry, rippling beneath my skin.

“Go away,” I said. It came out strangled, hoarse. “Don’t ever come back.”

He backed up, one step, two, three—and then he was scrambling for the door. He ran down the hallway to the exact rhythm of Aunt Lottie’s snores.

I stood there, my hands still fisted, ready to strike again at something. Anything. The rippling, twisting Thing shuddered through me, growing stronger, eating into my marrow. My skin felt too tight and my heart was hammering,
boom-boom-boomboomboomboom
, wild and fast as a hummingbird’s.

I was panting. I was fever, I was ice. I was running to the closest window, shoving apart the heavy curtains. My fingers found the twin locks on the hinge and yanked, once, twice, until one released and the other broke apart in my hand.

I pushed at the glass. It opened just in time, air scented of night and mist bathing my face, and then I Turned to smoke and shot out into the dark like an arrow unloosed from the depths of hell.

Seconds later, the next Turn overtook me.

The one that uncaged the beast. The one that made me into a dragon.

Chapter 11

I’ve mentioned that I wasn’t very good at the Turns, haven’t I?

I materialized upside down. Falling. My wings unfolded and began a frantic flapping. I rolled and managed a drunken veer that had me only just avoiding a collision with a corner of Tranquility’s roof. As it was, my right flank smacked into the leaden gutter, crumpling it like paper, and my tail whipped up and around and took out a row of slate tiles, sending them spinning like tops to the ground.

Better them than me. I flapped harder, gaining altitude. Soon I was flying straight, more or less, and Tranquility was a dollhouse beneath me, and the lawns and meadows and forests fell away, away, a map I no longer had to worry about or follow.

The rage that had driven me here, the feral anger and fear that had propelled me up into the sky, began to tear apart with the wind. Slivers, shards, blown into insignificance.

I thought,
This
is
me. This is the most honest part of me, if not the very best part.

All those names flung at me recently,
beast
,
bitch
,
thing
, were true. If they were insults, then I would rip them inside out and make them my own. I was all of those words and a ferocious lot more, and right now—in this moment—I was glad for it.

I bared my teeth to the night. My talons clawed at the sky. The hummingbird hammer of my heart gradually calmed, becoming steady and strong, a constant guide.

I found a jet of air and let it snatch me south, opening my wings to it so widely they ached, but it was a good ache. I welcomed the pain.

I was a dragon of gold, by the way. Mostly gold, deep purple at my tips. My scales were glimmering, just as gorgeous as Jesse’s pinecone and flowers, and my tail was barbed and my wings—

My left wing had a hole it, I realized, craning my long neck to see. A bullet hole. Every beat of that wing brought a tiny whistle as the air rushed through. It didn’t hurt, curiously enough, though it looked as if it should.

war
wound,
sang the stars, watching me as they always did, glinting their rainbow colors, as they always did.
war
beast, dragon of war, fireheart. welcome back to us.

I faced ahead again. I stretched out my chin and climbed higher, higher, until all I could hear was my heart in my ears, and all I could fathom was the endless sapphire line between heaven and earth, ocean and night, and the slim golden thread of me tearing a path between them.

Chapter 12

“This is most irregular.”

Aunt Lottie frowned at the note the butler had handed her, the black pudding and poached eggs she’d been served slowly congealing into a single, oozy glob on her plate. She adjusted her spectacles and held the note closer, perhaps hoping for less irregularity via a shorter distance from the paper to her nose.

“
Most
irregular indeed,” she huffed.

It was breakfast, a glorious full English breakfast, and for all of the massive sideboard jam-packed with platters of food, there were only three of us to dine. At the head of the table sat Armand, with Lottie to his right and me to his left. The rest of the chairs were empty, but like everything else about Tranquility, the table was huge. I’d wager forty more people could easily tuck in.

Forty orphans from the Home. I looked down the table and imagined them there, in the high-backed, buffed wooden chairs that all had carved lions for the arms, fidgeting and blowing their noses in the napkins, destroying the careful code of flatware arranged around the china, smudging the wax on the table with grubby fingers and sweaty palms. All wide eyes and growling stomachs and out-and-out disbelief, because, like me, not a single one of them would have been able to fantasize themselves from Blisshaven into this room, before this feast of eggs and fresh fruit and pickled fish and toast and hash and meat, meat, meat.

For only three people.

I wondered if the servants would get to eat what we didn’t finish. Maybe they just tossed all the leftovers straight into the rubbish.

And it wasn’t merely the meal that was excessive. The dining room was filled with floor-to-ceiling windows, sky and glass everywhere, with Armand’s seat placed so that the biggest one loomed right behind his back. It made it seem as if he somehow sat suspended in midair.

But I guessed he was used to it. I hadn’t noticed him glance even once out the windows. Instead he’d paused, fork in hand, and was regarding Lottie with polite interest. He was obviously waiting to hear what Lieutenant Clayworth’s note said.

I, however, didn’t stop gobbling down my latest helping of fried potatoes and sausage. I had no need to wait; I already knew what the note said, since I’d written it myself.

TERRIBLY SORRY, AUNT LOTTIE AND ALL. MUST DASH OFF UNEXPECTEDLY. WAR BUSINESS. HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND AND WILL SEE YOU SOON, NO DOUBT.

—L.C.

Another good lesson for you: When forging missives or signatures, it’s always better to keep things short. The less there is to scrutinize, the less there will be to muck you up.

The lieutenant hadn’t actually left a note. After I’d come back down to earth last night, I’d searched his empty room to be sure. I’d even done a quick perusal of both Armand’s and Lottie’s chambers to check that he hadn’t slipped one under their doors before leaving, because I couldn’t risk him writing something about me, truth or lie or anything at all. Not if I wanted this summer to keep going forward.

But he hadn’t. He’d just fled.

Who, exactly, was the coward?

I had seen Armand Louis run into a hail of bullets for me. I’d seen him face mortal danger without recoiling, and I’d seen him weep for our dead. So to hell with sodding Lieutenant Laurence Clayworth.

During my hunt for the note, I’d come to the decision that I’d keep most of the facts of my encounter with Laurence to myself. I didn’t know how close the two of them truly were, but hearing that a person you thought a friend considered you unbalanced at best, craven at worst, could only hurt. Whatever else I felt about Armand, I had no desire to cause him hurt.

Lottie sighed and held out the folded paper to Armand, who scanned it and then passed it to me. I looked down at it, allowed myself a fresh measure of satisfaction at the handwriting (which definitely didn’t resemble mine), then looked back up.

“I trust everything is all right,” I said, with what I hoped was exactly the right touch of genteel concern.

Apparently I’d miscalculated. Armand’s focus went from his kippers to my face, instantly alert.

“ ‘War business’,” Lottie muttered, slicing into her eggs. “And the boy couldn’t be bothered to wait for a respectable goodbye.”

“You know how things are these days, my lady,” said Armand, still watching me. “It’s an unfortunate fact of the modern world. Matters change in the space of a breath.”

Lottie squinted at him. “What’s that you said?”

“Matters
change
.”

“Did he receive a telegram in the night? We must ask Foster.”

“I wouldn’t,” I warned Armand, low.

“Foster?” Lottie was looking around, annoyed that neither the footman by the sideboard nor the butler had come forward. “Foster? Where the devil is he?”

“Matthews,” said Armand, “I believe Lady Clayworth would enjoy some trifle, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Certainly, my lord.”

Armand gazed at me, silent, while the butler offered a heap of cream and cake to her ladyship.

“Well?” he said as Matthews moved away and Lottie happily dug in.

I glanced at my own plate, now nearly empty, then back up at the sideboard.

Armand’s tone went dangerously silky. “Lora.”

“Yes, yes.” I poked at a piece of potato with my knife. Now that the time had come, I found myself struggling with what to say. “We might have a problem.”

“What manner of problem?”

“Your friend. I imagine his nose is broken.”

“Oh? And why would that be?”

I gave up on the potato. I lifted my eyes and gazed back at Armand and let the silence balloon between us.

His face, already so pale, seemed to go even whiter.

“Are you joking?”

“No.”

“Were you—hurt?”

I smiled, mirthless. “No.”

He sat there without moving, staring at me. A cloud of small brown birds poured into view behind him, shrinking and swelling in unison, blurred wings and shrill chirrups. Pouring away again.

Armand had gone to stone. No, not stone, because I didn’t think stones could emanate the black sense of menace I felt from him now. He was as stiff and frightful as he’d been that moment in the duke’s asylum, when in the back of my mind I’d thought maybe, maybe I’d have to stop him from killing his own father.

I said, “I should have locked the door and I didn’t. No harm done but to him. In fact, I likely did him a favor. He can tell all the girlies now that a Hun clocked him in a fight.”

Armand stood; alarmed, so did I. He seemed fixed on a point beyond me, someplace where there were no birds or sky or anything civilized like breakfast. I looked into blue eyes and saw only sparks and darkness.

He’ll come back to us stronger and stronger,
Jesse had told me once.
He’s going to crave you more and more, and not having you will eat him raw.

How much worse, then, would it feel to know that someone else, his own mate, had not only craved me but had gone behind his back to act upon it?

It wasn’t until then that I understood I’d accidentally revealed the worse betrayal, after all.

“Mandy. He’s not worthy of you. Let it be.”

“Lord Armand, have you taken ill?” demanded Lottie. “I cannot imagine why you’re standing otherwise.”

“Mandy,” I said again, urgent, soft. Trying to pull him back to me. “There’s more.”

His lashes lowered. He looked down at his hand, at his opening fingers. The fork he’d been holding had been bent nearly in two. It clattered down to the table.

“Yes, indeed, I’m so eager to see the future therapy room,” I said very audibly. “It’s downstairs, you say? Do forgive us, your ladyship. I feel we must get started right away. For the soldiers, you know.”

“What’s that?” Lottie asked, but I ignored her, reaching instead for Armand.

I was counting on all those years of being raised as a gentleman, all that stiff-upper-lip training, Eton, London, any of it, and to my relief, it worked. Without a word he let me slip my hand through the crook of his elbow, and together we walked out of the dining room, leaving a confounded Lady Clayworth behind.

“What did that young woman say? Why are they leaving? Foster, did you understand her?”

I hadn’t thought of where to go from there. No doubt there was a downstairs to Tranquility, but I had no notion of how to get there or even if there was going to be such a thing as a therapy room.

I was just walking, Armand rigid at my side, and my feet took us to the one other place I really recognized: the front parlor, where there was a piano.

Not an ordinary upright piano, either, but a shiny black grand piano, practically big as a pond, with a bench long enough for two. I led him to it, waited until he sat, and then took my place beside him.

I didn’t speak, and neither did he. Instead, my fingers touched the keys, and the music began to flow.

The duke had done up the parlor entirely in black and white. Floors, walls, furniture, drapes. It was probably the only reason the piano was there, fitting so neatly into his scheme, but as far as I was concerned, the piano was the only thing in the whole chamber that made any sense. Everything else was a black-and-white mess.

I closed my eyes to block it out and concentrated on the melody that drifted around us both, gentle and sweet, languid as a summer stream. I thought perhaps it belonged to the opal in Armand’s stickpin.

Minutes passed. No one else came in.

“How do you do that?” he asked at last, his voice barely rising above the notes.

“I listen.” And then, a while later: “Can’t you do it?”

He shifted, not quite a shrug. “I don’t think so.”

“Have you ever tried?”

“No.”

I stopped. “Here. Put your hands like this. That’s it, right there. Now, listen to the melody. Let it surround you. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Do you hear it?”

He gave a short nod.

“So. Play.”

He stared down at the keys, then tried a few tentative notes—the wrong ones.

“No, like this.”

I traced out half a bar, but he didn’t try to copy it. He didn’t move at all, in fact, just kept staring down at the keyboard.

“Okay, then. Hands up again, like I showed you.”

I rested my palms over the backs of his, our fingers aligned. I felt that slight, snapping shock that sometimes happened when we touched; he took a swifter breath, so I knew he felt it, too.

“Play,” I whispered, and pressed my fingers down, showing him the way.

Slowly, haltingly, we caught the easiest snippets of the song.

“Lieutenant Clayworth saw my dragon eyes,” I murmured, without looking away from our work. “I couldn’t help it.”

“Dragon eyes,” he echoed, emotionless.

“When they flash. Everything lit up.”

“I’ve seen it.”

We kept playing. We weren’t getting any better.

“And after that, he hared off. But I think it’ll be fine. After all, if he says anything about it, who’s going to believe him?”

“Only a lunatic,” answered Armand gravely.

I shot him a glance. He was smiling a little.

“Precisely.” I smiled back. “But—Armand. I think you should be prepared for him to … that is, he’s really not the sort of fellow who …” I shook my head, back to stumbling over my words, searching for the ones least likely to wound. Eventually I had to settle for the same thing I’d told him before. “He is unworthy of you.”

“Lora, if and when I see Laurence again, you may be confident that if his nose isn’t broken now, it’s going to be.”

“Excellent,” I said, and drew my hands away.

He tried it on his own for a few minutes longer, blundering along, before giving up.

“I’m no good at this.”

I let out a laugh. “You’re really not.”

And then we were laughing together, hushed and real, like we were thieves who’d gotten away with stealing something special. When it ended we were leaning against each other, our faces inches apart. All those sparks, the danger and darkness, had lifted from his eyes; everything was blue and bright once more.

The last tickle of laughter died away in my throat.

Armand said my name. He lifted a hand to my hair, cupping the nape of my neck.

“Eleanore,” he whispered again, tilting his head to mine, his lips skimming past my cheek, his breath in my ear. “I’d wait forever for you, you know. If it mattered. If you’d care.”

“I do care,” I whispered back, miserable.

His fingers tightened, warm and firm. “No, you don’t. Not the way I mean. Not yet.”

He pressed a kiss to my hair, then got up and left, taking all the heat of the room and the final floating notes of the opal song with him.