The Destroyer Goddess (75 page)

Elelar stared at Ronall in stunned, disbelieving silence as he approached her on the beach. She was surrounded by an entourage of praise-singers who now lived to protect the baby in her arms. Ronall—
Ronall!
—was surrounded by sea-born folk who revered him as the sea king, consort to a goddess and chosen to lead them as a people.

"You look..." Elelar paused, trying to determine what was so different about Ronall, apart from the ragged sea-born clothes and the healthy glow of his sun-darkened skin. "Sober?"

He nodded and smiled. "Sober. You look..." He glanced at Gaborian and laughed, a surprisingly light and happy sound. "Like a mother!"

"Where's my horse?" she asked suddenly.

Ronall shook his head, looking amused. "I always thought that would be your first question if we ever met again."

"Well?"

"I'm sorry, Elelar. It was stolen from me some time ago. In the mountains."

"That was my favorite horse," she said irritably.

"I know. I'm sorry." 

"And as for leaving that chattery fool Chasimar at my estate..."

"She had nowhere else to go." After a moment, he added wryly, "All right, I did it to annoy you. I'm sorry about that, too."

Elelar realized that these subjects were far from the most important things they needed to discuss, so she resisted the undeniable urge to utter recriminations. Instead, she said, "We should talk." 

"Of course."

Ronall led her to some wreckage upon which they could both sit, then politely suggested everyone else remain at a respectful distance while he got reacquainted with his wife. Elelar explained what had happened to her, amazed at how calmly he accepted the whole story.

"I am to..." She took a deep breath and concluded, "Acknowledge you as Gaborian's father."

"I won't deny it," he promised her. "Though it does seem as if the gods are enjoying a good joke, doesn't it?"

"Did you and a sea goddess really—"

"Yes." He sounded as if it were a perfectly normal circumstance. 

"But how did you and she actually—"

"That's none of your concern, Elelar." When she sat back in surprise, he added, "I haven't asked for details about you and Cheylan, have I?"

She realized that a number of subjects were indeed best left closed. Instead, she asked pointedly, "Will you live at sea from now on?"

His smile was bittersweet. "You mean, you want to make sure that I won't be living with
you
from now on."

"Yes," she admitted. "That's what I mean. I suppose we'll have to see each other from time to time, if you are to be Gaborian's father, but—"

"I will live at sea," he replied. "I will come ashore often, though. As the sea king and as Gaborian's father, I hope to have enough influence to prevent any more Valdani in Sileria from being murdered. Starting today."

It was such a calmly selfless answer, it surprised her. Nonetheless, she said firmly, "And
when
you come ashore—"

"Don't worry," he assured her without resentment. "I will never disturb your bed again. I belong to her now, and..." He shrugged. "It wouldn't be right to go to another woman—least of all to one who doesn't love me."

"You're..." She thought she'd misunderstood. "You're going to be faithful to her?"

Ronall smiled. "Yes, Elelar. I am."

"I don't believe you."

"I know." He shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

"No, I suppose not."

"But I would like to be Gaborian's father," he said. "And to see him often, if I may. I imagine he's the only child I'll ever have."

She nodded in acceptance of that. "Now the sea-born will have a stake in what happens on land, since the sea king is father of the Yahrdan."

"I think it's why a drylander was chosen," he said. "Well, one of the reasons, anyhow. To unite the sea-born and the landfolk of Sileria."

"Your Valdani blood will also help convince the Valdani—"

"That they have an ally ruling Sileria, instead of an enemy."

They sat in silence for a long moment.

"You and I..." he said at last.

"What?" she asked warily.

"I suppose we will never be close," he said. "But I hope we can learn to be at ease with each other."

"Perhaps, Ronall," she said. "In time."

He smiled serenely and agreed, "In time."

Mirabar awoke from the nightmare with a pounding heart. She lay there panting in reaction, hoping she hadn't cried out and disturbed anyone else. She listened to rain drumming against the simple shelter which the pilgrims had constructed out of flotsam, and tried to bring her frantic breathing under control. 

Even after she calmed down, though, sleep was impossible. So, after the rain stopped, she rose and escaped into the open air. It was nearly dawn, anyhow, she saw; too late to bother going back to sleep. Tansen was out here, practicing in the dark with his swords. She supposed she should have expected him to be awake tonight.

When he realized she was present, he paused, and asked breathlessly, "What are you doing awake?"

"Nightmare," she said.

He sheathed his swords. "About?"

"Cheylan."

He came to her and put his arms around her. 

She sighed and rested against him, not caring that he was damp. "I'll... I'll dream about killing him for a long time, won't I?"

"Probably," he admitted. 

"It wasn't just... stabbing him, which was bad enough. It was..."

He kissed her hair. "You cared about him. Trusted him."

"It makes killing him... the stuff of nightmares."

"I know."

Of course. If anyone would know, it was Tansen.

"Would you like me to try to explain to Zarien?" she asked.  "We'll be together for a while, and he may listen to someone who... who isn't you."

He thought about it, resting his cheek on her hair. "If you think he wants to talk about it," he decided. "If he seems willing to listen. It may be easier for him to talk about all this with you than with me." He moved away from her as he added, "And so far, he's only heard Searlon's version of what happened."

"Then someone
must
speak to him," she said with certainty.

"And I have to leave tomorrow if I'm to attack Verlon, as planned. I can't delay. The whole plan will collapse if I delay. I can't..." He rubbed his forehead. "I can't stay and try to show Zarien that I don't care who his father was. I can't... I have to go tomorrow, Mirabar. I
have
to."

"I know."

"I handled it so badly today... Yesterday? Finding out about the water magic. About Kiloran." He spread his hands. "I was just so..."

"It was a shock," she agreed.

"Yes, but that's no excuse for what I... for how I responded."

"You don't need an excuse," Mirabar said. "You're human and you make mistakes."

"I
frightened
him, Mira."

"Yes. And if you learn from this mistake, perhaps you won't frighten him again."

"I lost my head. I know better, but I—"

"You know better as a
warrior
. You're not so highly-trained as a father." She smiled and added, "Or as a lover."

"No," he said wryly. "Maybe if I went and trained for another five years..."

"I think we would miss you."

"And I might not learn to keep my head, anyhow. Being a father and being in love are both a lot more difficult than being a
shatai
. No wonder there are no schools. Who could possibly master love well enough to teach others?"

She took his hand. "Apart from how you reacted, keep in mind that Zarien had also been through a great deal by the time this happened. And he was already terrified of how you would react even before you said or did anything." She squeezed Tansen's hand. "He's young, and he'd been through too many ordeals to do anything but panic and lash out. You didn't handle things well, I admit, but he would have been afraid and angry no matter how you had behaved."

"Not
that
angry," Tansen said with self-condemnation. "Not
that
afraid."

"The water magic was a shock to him, too."

"Did you suspect from the beginning?" he asked.

"No. I suppose I should have, but I knew so little about water magic before I married Baran. Zarien himself seemed so sure that the healing of your
shir
wound had something to do with your destiny, while you thought it might be some power he possessed because
he
was destined to be the sea king." Mirabar shrugged. "But when Najdan lay dying of a
shir
wound like yours... You had survived, and so I reached for the only thing that might make him survive, too. I don't know how I thought of it. It was just... instinct. Desperation." She smiled wryly and added, "If it hadn't worked, I suppose I might have made
you
try, next."

"Zarien didn't suspect, either," Tansen murmured. "He had no idea about his gift. The surprise on his face when Najdan's wound healed..."

"It must have been an overwhelming moment for him," Mirabar said. "Especially knowing how you feel about waterlords. And can you imagine how he felt about admitting he's the son of your most-hated enemy?"

"Can you imagine how he felt about finding out I killed my bloodfather?"

She rested her cheek against his shoulder. "I'll talk with him. And when you come to Belitar, you'll talk with him, too. When he understands, he'll be able to forgive you."

"I hope so," he whispered. 

"He has to," she said. "What else can he do? You're his father."

Zarien watched warily as Tansen approached him in the hazy morning light.

"I would take you with me," Tansen said, "but it's dangerous. You really... can't come."

Zarien shrugged. "Fine."

Tansen added with a strained attempt at humor, "And don't try to follow me, either, the way you did that time I left you at Dalishar."

He didn't have the
stahra
anymore. "I can't follow..." A cold memory swept through him.

Follow him until you cannot
, Sharifar had said, glowing in the strange light of the Guardian Calling in the sacred caves of Mount Dalishar.

"I can't follow you," Zarien murmured to himself.

Sharifar had told him to let the current carry him, and it had brought him here. To this moment. To the things he now knew and had spent the night wishing he didn't know.

"I'll come to Belitar when my work here is finished." Tansen placed a hand on his shoulder.

Lost in thought, Zarien flinched.

Tansen frowned and removed his hand. "We'll talk then."

"Fine."

Follow him until you cannot
, Sharifar had said.

"When will that be?"

You will know
.

Now he knew. Now he understood. It had always been his destiny to part with Tansen. This day had to come. 

Now it was finally here.

"I have to go now, Zarien," Tansen said. 

Zarien nodded. "Well. Go."

Tansen hesitated, as if wanting to say more, but then he finally turned and walked away.

"Tansen!" Zarien said, a sudden panic flooding him.

Tansen turned back instantly. "Yes?"

"I, uh..." Zarien shrugged. "Good luck."

Tansen smiled. "Thanks."

Only when Zarien was sure that Tansen was too far away for anyone to catch up with him did Zarien say casually to Mirabar, "I have to go get something I dropped yesterday. When Searlon... you know."

"You shouldn't go alone," she said instantly.

"
Sirana
, Searlon is dead, and there are sea-born and pilgrims everywhere. I'll be safe."

"All the same—"

"I'd rather do this alone. I... need a little time to myself."

Mirabar hesitated a moment, then said, "All right. Just don't be long. We need to leave soon."

Zarien nodded and left her side, walking south along the shore. He felt bad that he would cause a delay in their departure, but that couldn't be helped. They would search the shore and the beach for him, then probably search the coastal cliffs. They wouldn't find him, though, and sooner or later they would have to give up and take the
torena
and the baby to Shaljir.