The Deviants (27 page)

‘Yeah, you said. David didn't come out to my dad for ages, but when he did, it didn't matter. It was no big deal. And my dad loves him just as much as he loves me and Ollie. Him and his husband have just had a baby.'

He glared at me. ‘I don't care about your brother, right?'

‘Yeah, you do,' I said, beginning to wrap up the other wrist, exactly as I'd done the left one. Just like Pete showed me for before I put my gloves on. ‘You care quite a lot, actually.'

He laughed. ‘You don't change.'

‘Don't I?'

‘Nah. You were like this when we was kids. Always the first in the Wendy house to ask what's wrong if one of us were in there sulking. Interfering little sod.' He knuckled his eyes. ‘I thought in time it'd go away. I'd meet a girl I fancied, and that'd be that. I'd stop thinking about him.'

‘Who? The boy Corey saw you with?' I finished the bandaging and sat back on the log.

He nodded. ‘Mark Figges. Football captain.'

‘Yeah, I remember. His parents moved to Whitstable, just before our mocks.'

‘Sometimes it
is
a phase, isn't it? I didn't have no trouble with Fallon, you know. Doing it. We'd stayed in touch, sort of. Texting and that. I went round there…'

‘She told us.'

‘I got hard when we was kissing. She said I could do the business. So what the hell's
that
about?'

‘Maybe you're bisexual?'

He shook his head, looking at the ground. ‘I dunno what I am. I can't be a dad to that kid, Ella. I don't have a clue about kids.'

‘Well, you can't put her back where she came from, Zane. She's here now. She looks like you as well.'

‘Does she?'

I nodded. ‘She's got your nose. She's got your smile too as well actually.'

He smiled briefly at that. I saw him swallow. ‘She won't want a poof for a dad.'

‘Don't say that. Don't talk about yourself like that. Did you know Corey is living with Fallon now? He's helping her with the baby.'

‘She'll be better off with him as her dad. I sent him a note.'

‘I know,' I said. ‘He texted me.'

‘Right. So, that's that then, innit? I ain't gonna bother with him again.'

‘Not really,' I said. ‘You're not fixed, are you?'

He snorted. ‘I knew what you were doing, you know. The second I heard that meowing sound in the wall. I punched a hole trying to get to that thing.'

‘Did you?'

‘Yeah. And then the masks and the ink on the floor. I remembered that story Max's sister told us.'

‘I didn't think you would.'

‘I remember a lot of 'em. That one about the kid who trashed all the Christmas presents and put laxatives in the turkey and gave her family diarrhoea. “The Boy Called Moses With Sixteen Noses Who Liked Pinkish Roses”…'

Something clicked in my memory. ‘It was you who put those roses on her grave, wasn't it?'

He nodded. ‘She was like a big sister to me, n'all. She knew about – me, you know. She talked to me about it. Last time I saw her. When she died, I thought it had died as well. I tried to bury it, but it wouldn't go away.'

‘Yeah, Stuff in shallow graves has a habit of digging its way out again.'

‘That another of your dad's quotes?' he smirked.

I shook my head. ‘No. Just sort of came to me. It doesn't need to be us against you, you know, Zane. We used to be good friends. How did you go from being that boy who helped Corey write his name with a sparkler on Bonfire Night to beating him up and killing his cat? He's bloody disabled…'

‘I took the whole rap for that at school, you know? I didn't drag him into it when the teachers asked what had happened. Or you. And I didn't kill Lord Voldemort.'

‘Uh, yeah you did.'

‘No, I only went round there to put the frighteners on him again. Cat was already dead, under a hedge. Been run over, by the looks. Someone must've left it there. I just saw it and strung it up in the tree as a warning.'

‘Some warning,' I said. ‘Zane, he was heartbroken. What were you even doing there?'

‘I was gonna piss through his letterbox or summing. Nothin' major'

‘Oh. Nice.'

A silence descended again. We spent whole minutes just listening to the rain.

‘I don't wanna be different, Ella. I just wanna fit in.'

‘Tough,' I said. Zane glared at me, but let me carry on. ‘Why do you want to be like everyone else? Different is
good
. But you're not even that different. Jesus, look at us. You're the “normal” one out of us lot. Fallon's a single mum and lives in a zoo with a witch who collects roadkill and stuffs dead dogs to look like snooker players. Corey's a disabled orphan with dead junkie parents and a cat fixation; Max is shagging his cousin and doing so many drugs he's got Wiz Khalifa on speed dial. And as for me…'

I ran out of steam at that point.

‘. . . but you – you're fine the way you are. You know – when you're not being a bullying psychopath, that is.'

Zane took a deep breath, then let it out high above, into the trees. He looked around again. ‘My mates'll tear me apart.'

‘Find new mates then. Things could be worse, Zane. At least you want to have sex with
someone
.'

‘Eh?'

‘Me and Max don't do it.' I surprised myself, saying that to Zane of all people.

‘Why not?'

‘Cos it brings back memories. To me, sex means pain, embarrassment. Wishing I was dead. And I think I need to face up to that, or else nothing will ever get better. That's why I suggested we come out here.'

‘Is it something to do with Neil Rittman?'

I gasped, like he'd dropped an ice cube down my back. ‘Why would you say that?'

My phone buzzed in my pocket – a text from Max.
Where are you? I need to see you
– and I posted it back inside my hoody.

‘I saw summing once. At Max's house, when we were all round there. Saw him… kiss you. In the kitchen. It was summer, and we were all outside in the pool. You'd gone to get a drink or summing. He was touching you. And you were just standing there, letting him. You had your eyes closed. I started to hate you then, cos I thought you were having an affair. My dad ran off, about the same time, you see. Didn't realise till later that this was totally different.'

‘You never told anyone what you saw?'

He bowed his head. ‘I told Jessica. The day before she died.'

*

The rain was easing off by the time we left the wood, and there were more scraps of blue tearing through the clouds. Hoods still up, we walked across the heath and climbed the rocky ground up to the Pirate Graveyard. I was bizarrely calm.

‘When it started happening, I was about nine. Maybe ten. It was just the odd kiss. Or touch. Sometimes he'd pat my bum. I thought it was just something adults did. When it got worse, I tried to avoid it. I tried just not being in places
where he was. But he'd always find a way. Sitting down on the sofa next to me and… I didn't know it was wrong. I just knew I didn't like it. So I'd pretend I was frozen. Like in Narnia, when the queen freezes people. Ironic, considering I'm supposed to be “Volcano Girl”. But I couldn't do anything else.'

Zane sat down on top of one of the graves.

‘Sometimes it was easy to avoid. I'd just stay right out of Neil's way, or I made sure that whenever I went round their house, Max or Jo or Jessica was there too. Or I'd call round to Corey's, or meet you and walk round?'

He nodded, but said nothing.

‘But once, there was a whole house full of people. Jo's 50th, it was. Everyone was there, even you guys. We were all outside watching the fireworks on the hill. I'd gone inside to the loo and, when I came out, he was there. He pushed me into their bedroom. I could hear the party going on, the music thumping through the walls, the fireworks. He kissed me on the mouth. He was all cigar stink and his tongue was hard and slimy and his hands were everywhere.

‘He said it was my fault for showing my legs. And that I shouldn't wear dresses cos they “fired him up”. He called me a deviant. He said I pretended to be all innocent but really, I wanted it. And he said if I told anyone, I'd be in big trouble. So I kept my mouth shut. And I stopped wearing dresses. And I stopped showing my legs. I stopped trying to be pretty.'

Zane stared across the bay, towards the hillside, where JoNeille House was, looking like he was trying to burn it down with his eyes. I could have told him not to bother. I'd tried that a million times and it had never worked.

‘Nothing else happened for about two years. In the meantime, he was over-nice to me. Kept giving me presents,
through Max – jewellery, iPhones, money no object. Fifty quid for my birthday; a hundred quid for Christmas. When I started running, and getting good at it, he started sponsoring me, telling me what a big star I was going to be. At first, I thought it was an apology. Then on
EastEnders
one night they had a storyline about grooming. And I realised that's what he was doing. He was buying my silence. Owning me. Like he owns everything else.'

There was another buzz in my pocket.
Ella, where are you? M.
No kiss.

‘Sorry,' I said, getting my phone out and replying to the message.
Will text u later.
Then I turned it off. ‘The thing… the rape, it only happened once. Right here.'

Zane looked up, his eyes dark and dead. ‘Here? On the island?'

‘I thought it was all over. I thought he'd realised what he'd done wasn't right, and that he'd stopped it all. I thought not wearing dresses and not wearing make up had worked. That I'd won. But then it was Max's birthday. Remember, we all came out here for a picnic? Disposable barbecues, blankets, all his family, all of us lot? It was a scorching hot day. When I got to the house, no one else was there, but Neil made me think everything was OK, that Max and Jo and everyone had gone on ahead to the island. So me and him were supposed to take the rest of the furniture over in the speedboat.'

Zane cleared his throat. ‘But no one was here.'

I shook my head. ‘He said he'd got it wrong. But never mind because he was sure they'd be here soon. Then he said we should get on with setting up the furniture anyway, and then go back and pick them all up. And I believed him.

‘The tide was in, so it wasn't like I could just run back to the house. I was trapped. And I knew what was going to
happen. He said we should go for a walk in the woods, and he kept asking me stuff, private stuff. He asked if I had a bikini on under my clothes. I said no. He asked if I'd started my period. I said yes. He asked if I was having my period right then. I said no. Then he started kissing me, but I didn't kiss back. He told me to touch him. He forced my hands down… then he pinned me to the ground in the woods.

‘I tried so hard to make it difficult. I screamed at one point, but he held my neck. He said if I'd just lie there and let it happen it would be so much easier. Cos if I struggled, it would hurt more. And then Max would see the marks. And my dad would see them. And they'd both worry. So I stopped struggling and just let it happen. I let him hurt me in the most painful embarrassing way anyone can hurt another person. And afterwards, I kept it all inside me where it couldn't hurt anyone else.'

‘You never told no one?'

I shook my head. ‘I tried telling Jess a few times but I always stopped myself. I didn't want her to think badly of me.' I looked out, across the water towards Brynstan Hill. ‘I've hated the sight of that hill ever since. Afterwards, Neil said he'd done me a favour. I'd got it “out of the way”. “No girl wants to be a virgin.” And again, he said if I told anyone about it, I'd be in big trouble. I thought he meant he'd find a way of stopping my dad's cancer treatment. I don't know how I got that into my head, but I did and it wouldn't budge. Telling people about it meant losing Dad. It meant losing Max. It meant I was on my own. I changed that day. Something in me got cold. He did that. Just him.'

Zane looked down at the damp logs. ‘He did it to Jessica as well, didn't he?'

I nodded. ‘I think Rosie Hayes was telling the truth at Jessica's inquest. I'm sure she took her own life. I think she
could handle what he was doing to her, but when she knew he was doing it to me too, she just…'

‘… couldn't.'

I nodded. Zane came over to me and stood beside me at the little white stone.

‘Did Jess give you anything, the last time you saw her?' I asked him.

‘No,' he said.

‘Oh.'

‘I've never forgotten what she said to me though. She told me to be strong, whatever happens. No one can mess with you if you're stronger than they are.'

A pain rattled deep inside my chest.

‘What about you?'

I shook my head. ‘No, she didn't say anything. You think I should have told someone sooner, about what Neil was doing. Don't you?'

He shook his head. ‘I don't think anything.'

Before I knew it, he had his arms out to me and I walked into them and he embraced me in the tightest, safest hug I'd ever known. And the wind took away the sounds of our crying, so no one else would hear them.

*

It was dark by the time I got back home. On the walk back I'd got several things straight in my head. Now I'd told Zane, I knew it would be easier to tell others. Maybe even the police. Maybe they would look into it. Zane said I could trust him to back me up if no one else did. Telling Max would be a different story. What if he didn't believe me? I'd already spun him a line about having sex at some imaginary sleepover. What if he told me I was disgusting and never wanted to see me again? These were all thoughts
I'd had before. But I knew the time for bottling things up had ended. The volcano had to erupt.