The Devil’s Guide To Hollywood

THE DEVIL’S GUIDE
TO
HOLLYWOOD

THE SCREEN WRITER AS GOD!

JOE ESZTERHAS

This edition 2009

First published in the UK in 2007 by
Duckworth Overlook
90-93 Cowcross Street, London EC1M 6BF

Tel: 0207 490 7300

Fax: 0207 490 0080

Email:
[email protected]
www.ducknet.co.uk

Published in the USA by
St. Martin’s Press, New York

© 2006 by Joe Eszterhas

The right of Joe Eszterhas to be identified as the Author of the Work
has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without
the prior permission of the publisher.

ebook ISBN: 978 0 7156 3951 1

For Jenö Máté, Hungarian actor,
who played bit parts in John Wayne westerns,
and who sponsored my family’s immigration
from the refugee camps of Austria to the
United States of America … and for Naomi, Sunlight.

“In the beginning was the Word …”
—John 1:1

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Preface

PART ONE:
P
URSUING
Y
OUR
D
REAM

Lesson 1. They Can Snort You Here!

PART TWO:
L
EARNING THE
B
USINESS

Lesson 2. Use Your F-Bombs!

Lesson 3. Don’t Let ’Em Fart at Your Ideas!

Lesson 4. Beware of the Back Pat!

Lesson 5. Don’t Let ’Em Bleed on You!

Lesson 6. Don’t Take Your Clothes Off!

PART THREE:
G
ETTING
R
EADY TO
W
RITE THE
S
CRIPT

Lesson 7. Avoid the Woodpecker!

Lesson 8. Ideas Are Poison!

PART FOUR:
W
RITING THE
S
CRIPT

Lesson 9. Slit a Vein and Drip It on the Page!

PART FIVE:
S
ELLING THE
S
CRIPT

Lesson 10. How Do You Feel About Going to Bed with an Agent?

PART SIX:
F
ILMING THE
S
CRIPT

Lesson 11. Steal As Much Memorabilia from the Set As You Can!

PART SEVEN:
W
ORKING WITH THE
D
IRECTOR

Lesson 12. He’s a Passive-Aggressive Snake!

Lesson 13. Every Good Director Is a Sadist!

PART EIGHT:
W
ORKING WITH THE
P
RODUCER

Lesson 14. Is His Heart Full of Shit?

PART NINE:
D
EALING WITH THE
S
TUDIO

Lesson 15. You’re a Jackass in a Hailstorm!

PART TEN:
I
NSPIRING THE
A
CTORS

Lesson 16. Their Shorts Have Skid Marks, Too!

Lesson 17. Just Say the Fucking Words!

PART ELEVEN:
S
URVIVING THE
C
RITICS

Lesson 18. They Want to Kill You, Rape Your Wife, and Eat Your Children!

PART TWELVE:
T
HE
H
APPY
E
NDING

Lesson 19. Fight, Write, Throw Up, and Keep Writing!

Epilogue

Index

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS