The Disgraced Princess (13 page)

Pierced by a depressing envy and a feeling of intruding on something special between Kelt and his wife, Rosie turned away. ‘It looked as though most of the city was there this morning.'

Gerd's voice was coolly non-committal. ‘Quite a few,' he agreed. ‘How do you feel?'

‘Fine,' she said, surprising herself with the realisation. ‘The betrothal ceremony made me realise that I need to start learning the language straight away, but you don't need words to wave from a balcony!' She thought for a moment, then said, ‘I feel welcomed. Which sounds silly, because that crowd gathered for you, not me, but
everyone there looked warm-hearted and pleased for us both.'

‘Carathians enjoy a good party.' Although he smiled down at her, his eyes were still remote. ‘And you were welcomed, and are welcome. You did very well.'

His words should have warmed her, but the more legalities bound them together, she thought unhappily, the more distant Gerd became. She wondered if they would ever regain the laughter and burgeoning closeness, the thrilling hope, of those few crazy, passion-filled days on the island.

So far away they seemed now, so impossible to retrieve…

The next day Kelt and Hani took her to the town house, and for a little while she could relax in their undemanding company, playing with their little boy before being shown over the old, beautifully appointed building.

‘I hope you enjoy living here,' Hani said, looking around. ‘Kelt said it was still firmly Victorian until he inherited it; he had all the plumbing and wiring redone, and when we got married I organised the most hideous of the furniture into storage. We don't stay here much because of that legend, but it's very comfortable. And the Carathians are very kind.'

‘Hani, it's lovely. Both you and Kelt have done a great job on it. But even nicer is that I can feel your presence here.'

Hani smiled mistily at her. ‘Dear Rosie,' she said. ‘We're all going to miss you like crazy, but I think the Carathians already know how lucky they are to have you.'

To Rosie's horror she felt tears sting her eyes. ‘Thank
you,' she said on a gulp. ‘Oh, hell, I never cry—this is ridiculous. I'll miss you too, even though I expect to see lots of you and Kelt and little Rafi.'

She waved them off the next morning, with her mother, as they were all travel ling back to New Zealand together. ‘I have to tidy things up at home,' Eva said briskly, ‘and then I'll be back.'

Rosie said, ‘I know it will be a sacrifice for you. Thank you.'

Eva looked a little startled. With a hint of sarcasm she said, ‘I didn't make any sacrifices for you as a child, so it's probably only fair that I should now.'

They looked at each other for a moment. Eva shrugged and went on, ‘We should be able to live together for a couple of months without coming to blows.'

‘I can't see why not. We're both adults,' Rosie said firmly.

‘Think of it as training for all the sacrifices you're going to make for Carathia,' her mother advised.

In spite of that, Eva's attitude gave Rosie hope that perhaps she and her mother could form some sort of relationship.

‘Not a real mother-daughter relationship,' she said to Gerd as they travelled back from the airport. ‘But some sort of friendly association. She's changed.'

‘How?' he asked, his tone disbelieving.

‘She's a little softer—just as cynical, but somehow not so bitter. And there's no man in tow, yet she doesn't seem to care.'

Gerd leaned back in the car. ‘Let's hope it lasts. Are you ready for our quick tour of the mountains?'

‘Yes. Will the white lily be blooming?' She wanted very much to see Carathia's national flower.

‘It's usually over by now, but there might be some pockets of it left.'

There were, and after an excited and friendly reception from the people who'd flocked into the biggest town in the mountain region, they flew by helicopter up to the edge of the winter snowline.

‘There, my lady,' the guide said, indicating a plant nestled in against a rock.

Rosie gave an excited squeak and crouched down. Fragile and fleeting, white petals airily danced above the grim rocks and the matted tangle of its leaves.

‘They're tough, aren't they?' Rosie said, crouching beside it. Carefully she stroked the flower, wondering at the resilience of such a lovely thing in this hard landscape.

The botanist and the mountaineer who'd accompanied them both nodded, the botanist saying in her limited English, ‘Strong and beautiful—like the mountains.'

‘Like Carathians,' the mountain guide said proudly. He glanced at Gerd, and said something in their language.

Gerd translated as Rosie stood up. ‘He's recited a local proverb that compares a beautiful woman to the summer sun, warming the eyes and the heart.' His smile was swift. ‘He means you.'

Rosie flushed. ‘Thank you very much,' she said to the guide, who made a little bow.

She and Gerd could afford only a short time there in the cool, crisp air, and too soon they were back in the helicopter. As they swooped down into the valley, Rosie
hugged the memory of the flowers and the look in Gerd's eyes when he relayed the guide's compliment.

Whatever his reason for keeping such a distance between them, it was not because he didn't want her. For a precious second she had seen a flare of passionate need turn his eyes to gold.

That night they attended a formal dinner with the local dignitaries before returning to the hotel, a large, tourist-oriented building, where they occupied the whole top floor. Dismissing her maid, Rosie got ready for bed, only to be surprised by a knock on the door.

Gerd?

And it
was
him. Her heart pumping into over drive, she opened the door wider. ‘Come in,' she said, hoping, hoping…and then hoping her eyes didn't betray her disappointment when he shook his head.

‘Kelt's on the telephone,' he said. ‘He's being put through to your phone, but I thought I'd warn you.'

‘Warn me?' Instantly her confusion and hope were banished by fear. ‘Is anything wrong?'

‘No, but he has news for you.'

Bewildered, Rosie closed the door behind him and went back to the telephone, anxiously waiting for it to ring. When the sound burred into the quiet air she snatched up the receiver and said urgently, ‘Kelt?'

‘Rosie. I just thought I'd ring to tell you that Hani and I are expecting another baby.'

So relieved her knees felt weak, she collapsed onto the sofa. ‘Oh, Kelt, that's wonderful! I did wonder while she was here—a couple of times she looked a bit peaky, but I thought maybe she was just tired. So when's the baby due?'

‘In six months' time,' he said cheerfully.

‘And you're still determined not to know what sex it is?'

‘Absolutely. Hani says the desire to find out is the only thing that keeps her going through labour and the birth.'

The tenderness beneath the laughter in his voice made Rosie blink back tears, but she retorted, ‘I don't believe that for a moment. Kelt, that's fantastic news! I'm so glad for you and for Hani. Can I say hello to her?'

‘Actually she's in bed—no, she's all right, it's just that this one does seem to make her more tired than Rafi did. She's fine, and once you're back in the capital she'll ring and you can have a nice, long, feminine gossip.'

Rosie was laughing as she put the telephone back into the cradle, but her laughter faded, and unbidden, painful tears scalded her eyes and clogged her throat.

A familiar loneliness seeped through her, draining her of strength. She fought it with everything she could, but the tears came just the same, slowly falling. It was horrible to cry because Hani was going to have a baby.

She said aloud, ‘No, it's not the baby.'

Her stupid tears were because Hani's children were the product of a union completely different from the marriage she had agreed to. When she was with Kelt and Hani it was impossible not to feel that unworthy envy of their profound and enduring love for each other. Their children were not symbols, not conceived to hold together a country.

For the first time Rosie wondered about the children she and Gerd would have—would they hate living in the royal fishbowl, wish they'd been ordinary children born
to ordinary parents and an ordinary life, able to work out their own destiny instead of being chained by tradition and the needs and expectations of millions of people?

The door opened and she turned, gulping back her tears, but it was too late. Gerd stood there, looking at her, his expression unreadable.

He walked into the room, closed the door behind him, and asked curtly, ‘I knocked, but you didn't hear me. What's happened?'

‘Nothing. I m-must be tired, I think,' she said, and wiped her eyes with one hand, looking around vainly for tissues.

Gerd came across and dropped an unused handkerchief into her lap. ‘Use this,' he commanded, and walked over to the window.

She eyed his silhouette, big and lithe and forbiddingly distant, and her heart ached painfully in her breast. She loved him so much, yet it wasn't enough. If only she knew what it was that had made him decide to pull further and further away from her.

Without looking at her he said, ‘Kelt told you his news?'

‘Yes. It's lovely for them both, isn't it.'

‘Is that why you were crying?'

Rosie flinched, then looked up anxiously. He'd turned and was watching her, but she could gain nothing from his expression. ‘No,' she said too quickly. ‘No, of course it's not. I'm thrilled for them. Hani's always said she wanted four children.'

She very much wanted to get to her feet, to draw herself up to her full height, but she didn't trust her legs to sustain her.

Anyway, she thought wearily, who was she kidding? Her full height was far from impressive.

Gerd said, ‘I thought you'd got over Kelt.'

A
T FIRST
Gerd's words didn't register. Oh, Rosie heard them, but their meaning escaped her. ‘What?'

He shrugged. ‘It was always obvious you had a terrific crush on him.'

Rosie went white. It was so ludicrous an idea, so distant from what he must—surely—know already?

He went on, ‘I admired the fact that you took his marriage to Hani so well. Was it because you knew you had to if you were going to be able to stay as close to him?'

Stunned, she said, ‘No!'

His brows lifted. Dispassionately he went on, ‘Because you must know by now that it's no use. He and Hani are not just husband and wife, they're lovers and soul-mates.'

‘I know that.' Afraid that she sounded defensive rather than convincing, she hurried on, ‘But you're utterly wrong—couldn't be
more
wrong. I've never been in love with Kelt.'

He said tersely, ‘Don't lie to me, Rosemary. I can cope with almost anything but lies, and we made a promise to be honest with each other, remember?'

A kind of wild hope mingled with enough anger to revive Rosie. Scrambling up, she said in a rough voice,
‘I am being totally and completely honest with you! Of course I love Kelt—he's the big brother I didn't have, almost the
father
I didn't have! He's always been there for me. But
in love
with him? Where on earth did you get that idea?'

‘I always knew you had a crush on him, but what clinched the fact was that the morning after we kissed—you and I—I came out onto the terrace at the home stead and saw you and Kelt walking up from the horse paddock.' His voice was chilling and detached. ‘You hurled yourself into his arms and kissed him passionately.'

The colour drained from her skin, then flooded back. ‘Oh, hell,' she said, and then started to laugh. It came too close to turning into a sob, but she managed to choke it back and meet his eyes defiantly. ‘I was conducting a scientific experiment.'

He said blankly, ‘What?'

‘You heard.' She dragged in a breath and explained, ‘You'd kissed me the night before, and—well, I was eighteen, but I'd never experienced anything like it before.' She spread her hands helplessly. ‘Bells rang and skyrockets soared and stars exploded, and I was—I was
trans ported
. But I didn't know anything about grown-up kisses, and after worrying about it all night I decided to kiss Kelt and see if it happened all over again.'

Gerd's face was a mixture of emotions, none of which she could read. When he spoke his voice was hard and demanding. ‘And what did happen?'

‘Nothing,' she said simply. ‘Nothing at all. It was creepy, actually. And he was shocked until I told him what I was doing it for, and then he laughed, but he told
me not to let myself get too interested in you because I was far too young for you.'

‘And he warned me off,' Gerd said harshly. ‘We were talking at cross purposes, of course, and I thought he was interested in you.'

‘He met Hani just after that, so you must have realised then he wasn't,' she pointed out, a cautious hope warming her heart.

‘And you weren't in love with him?'

‘No,' she said explosively. ‘Of course I wasn't—never have been! OK, I can understand how that incident the night after we kissed must have looked—I'll bet you thought I was a little tramp—but you must have known that for me Kelt has only ever been my substitute brother.'

‘It just seemed…logical. As you say, he looked out for you. It would have been unusual if you didn't see him as your particular hero. And you've always been openly affectionate with him.'

‘Well, yes, but it never meant anything! Surely—'

‘When he and Hani left after the coronation you were upset.'

‘Of course, I was sad to see them go.' She was talking too fast, the words tumbling over each other. Afraid to allow herself to hope, she willed him to believe her. ‘I've been almost part of their family—a sort of feckless younger sister, really.'

She scanned his handsome face for any sign of softening.

Not a thing. Still in that cool, judicial voice, he said, ‘So why were you crying? I know Kelt rang you especially to tell you Hani is pregnant.'

Torn, Rosie almost put her emotions into words, but instinct warned her that it would be too dangerous to reveal her love for him, her abject reliance on him…

Lamely she said, ‘There are happy tears as well as sad ones.'

‘You can go,' he said abruptly.

Her heart turned to lead. She stared disbelievingly at him, over whelmed with such anguish she could barely form the words. ‘What…where?'

‘Go home.' His words were delivered precisely, as icy as the metallic gold in his eyes.

‘But I can't.' The foolish words barely registered in her mind. Pain sliced through her, numbing her brain, freezing her soul.

‘You can. I'll organise a flight for you out of the country tomorrow.' And when she didn't move he said stonily, ‘It's not going to work, so it's better to cut our losses now—before it's too late.'

Unable to respond, she stared at his ruthless, in flexible face.

He lifted one clenched fist and slammed it down on the windowsill. ‘Go,' he said between his teeth. ‘Go now, before—'

The flicker of hope encouraged her enough to say unevenly, ‘Before what?'

‘It doesn't matter. I'll ring your maid—'

She fanned that tiny glimmer of courage. This was too important for her not to fight for what she wanted. ‘I need to know,' she said. ‘Before what?'

‘Before we end up hating each other.'

He wasn't looking at her, but his stance, his coiled strength, revealed a man with every muscle on the alert.
‘Gerd,' she said, risking everything, ‘tell me one thing—and remember our promise of honesty to each other. What do you feel for me?'

White-lipped, he stared at her. Rosie's breath stopped in her throat but she didn't dare back down. This was too important.

‘You really want your pound of flesh, don't you?' he ground out eventually. ‘Very well, then, you deserve to know. I love you.'

Rosie's incandescent blaze of joy was dowsed when he went on grimly, ‘I love you desperately enough to have abandoned all my principles and more or less forced you into an engagement you didn't want, and a life I knew you hated the thought of. I told myself you couldn't respond so passionately to me if you didn't feel something more than lust. I knew it was less than love, but I was prepared to accept what I could get from you.'

How blind he was! Unsteadily she asked, ‘So if you love me, why are you sending me away?'