The Doctor's Baby Secret (13 page)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

S
HE
WAS
SITTING
on her porch eating what looked like fried chicken, coleslaw and salad. She frowned as he pulled up right at her steps.

She'd changed out of her suit into her barely there shorts and a simple T-shirt. She looked much more relaxed like this. He liked her this way.

He looked out across the fields. From here, it felt as if this house were in the middle of nowhere. A little sanctuary just outside the city where time could be suspended for a little while.

‘What do you want, Austin?' she said as he climbed off the bike.

‘I wanted to clear the air between us. I don't want there to be an atmosphere at work.'

She glared at him. ‘I'm a professional at work. Just the way I should be. You've nothing to worry about.' She stood up and picked up her plate. ‘Go home, the conversation is over.'

He flinched. What had he expected?

She'd headed towards her front door but then turned around and narrowed her gaze, walking back over to the railing. Memories swamped him. This was where he'd first kissed her. Just like now, him on one side of the railing, her on the other.

‘Actually, I've just realised I'm not at work. So I don't need to be professional.' She had a fiery glint in her eye. Sass. This was why he liked her so much.

She held out her hand. ‘Give me your phone.'

‘What?'

‘Give me your phone. You've got pictures of me on it that I want to delete.'

He dug into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his phone. The last thing he wanted her to do was to delete her pictures.

She leaned over the railing and grabbed it just as it beeped. She pressed a few buttons then handed it back, her lips pressed tightly together. She was gorgeous when she was angry.

‘Congratulations on making the crew. Enjoy yourself in the stars, Lieutenant Commander Mitchell.'

He glanced at the phone. A message from his father. He pushed it back in his pocket.

Corrine had moved again, her hip bumping her front door open. She was leaving. She was finished with him.

‘It doesn't feel like it should.' The words came out before he could stop them.

She hesitated. ‘What?'

It was too late to pull them back. He ran his fingers through his hair and fixed his view on the horizon. ‘Being picked. It doesn't feel like I thought it would.'

He could see her wavering—trying to decide whether to go inside or whether to keep talking to him. She sighed and turned a little more towards him. ‘What did you think it would feel like?'

‘Fantastic. Brilliant. Amazing. I thought I would be over the moon.'

Her clear green eyes fixed on his. She looked puzzled. ‘And you're not?'

‘No. I'm not.' He winced. Saying those words out loud just seemed so wrong. Almost as if they were talking about someone else. Someone who hadn't chased this dream their entire life.

Corrine sucked in a breath. It was clear she was shocked. ‘What's this all about?' She moved uncomfortably on the step next to him. ‘I don't get it. From the moment I've met you everything has been about this. This moment. This time.' She lifted her hands. ‘Getting up into the stars.'

He looked upwards too. It was still daytime. The sky was bright blue. Maybe if it had been night and the sky were lit up with stars it would have made things clearer.

He would be able to tell if he felt that familiar tug when he searched the night sky and wondered when he would be up there.

He ran his fingers through his hair. He'd never had doubts before. His life's course had been set. Sure, there was some pressure from his family about being a pilot—family ‘heritage' and all that. But he'd loved the freedom of flying through the skies. He'd never regretted that. Space had been the next challenge, the next ultimate step. One that only a few people could reach. And now he had it in the palm of his hand.

What on earth was wrong with him?

He shifted on the step and turned to face her. He didn't have his usual confidence, or his bravado. It felt as if part of his personality were missing. And how well did he actually know Corrine to tell her any of this?

It was almost as if she could hear his thoughts. It didn't matter that she was still mad with him. She set down her plate and turned towards him.

‘Is this about the other job?' Her tone was cynical.

She didn't like this. And he could understand. From a professional perspective the candidates were screened to infinity and beyond. Any shadow of doubt should have been revealed during the process and the candidate screened out. To find doubts now would be unusual. And more than anything, it would be costly.

If he pulled out now he'd more or less taken someone else's place. He knew exactly how much he'd wanted to do this. How would he feel if he heard someone had been selected for the team and then pulled out? How would his team members feel if he told them he could no longer pilot for them?

After a few seconds she spoke again. ‘The research job—the cancer job. It would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You could make a difference to millions of people all over the world.'

He was baring his soul here and finding it difficult to meet her gaze. What must she think of him? He sighed. ‘Just like being an astronaut is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But would I make a difference for anyone else, or would I just feed my own ego—my own pride that I'd actually made it?'

He let the words hang between them, then let out a wry laugh. ‘Of course, there's every chance I could head up this research team, spend billions of dollars and fail miserably. Would that be even worse than being selfish and going into space?'

He finally met her gaze. Her face was still pale. But what was more she'd lost the little spark from her eyes. The one he liked so much.

‘There's nothing selfish about going into space. You've no idea the experiments you might be asked to perform there. They might be every bit as important as the cancer work. And what if space is our final frontier? What if we've already damaged the earth too much to reprieve it? Space could be the lifeline for humanity. What you discover in space could help the progression of the human race.'

Wow. He should have guessed. She'd invested her life in WSSA. Of course she could see the bigger picture. Of course she could reach out and imagine the ultimate goal. None of this was about the here and now. None of this was about him and her.

And no matter how confused he was right now he could get that.

It was a stark reminder of how selfish he was being.

But part of him still had doubts. Although he'd aced all his tests in Kazakhstan, part of him still wondered if Austin Mitchell, astronaut, was part of the attraction for Corrine. If he stayed on the job he might be away for six months but, ultimately, he'd come back to Texas and be based here. That might suit her. And he hated the small part of his brain that considered that.

But Corrine definitely seemed unnerved. Her hands had the slightest tremble and she was shifting from foot to foot. She looked as if she had a whole lot more on her mind than just him and her.

He wanted to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. For both of them. But he could almost see the invisible little barriers she'd erected around herself. The wave of emotions he was feeling right now wasn't reflected in Corrine's face. He could feel her pulling away from him.

All of a sudden it hit him. Like a tidal wave.

He waved his hand. ‘This isn't about the job, Corrine. It's a flattering offer. But this is much more than a job. This is about choosing.'

This time her look was wary. They'd had this discussion before. She was all about choosing and control.

He sat down on her porch steps and stared out over the fields. He'd thought clearing the air with Corrine would be simple. But he hadn't realised how seeing her again would make him feel.

What he really wanted to do was pick her up and carry her through to the bedroom at the back of the house. But she'd probably drop kick him if he tried that.

‘I don't want to turn into my father.' There. He'd said it out loud.

She stepped back from the railing and walked over to the steps, sitting down next to him. ‘Okay, you got me. What are you talking about?'

‘My father. He's bitter. He's always been bitter. And it's all my fault. It was me that gave him measles and scarlet fever. It was me that lost him his place as an astronaut.'

She stiffened next to him. And he could see it. There was practically a tic along her jawline. ‘That's a ridiculous thing to say.'

‘Why?'

She stood up and started marching in circles in front of him. ‘Because you were a child. You didn't choose to contract those things. Were you vaccinated? Did he
choose
not to vaccinate you? If that's the case then it's his fault—not yours.' She waved her hand as she marched. ‘And anyway, WSSA should have been on top of things like that. All their astronauts should have had their blood screened. If they were susceptible, then they should have been vaccinated.' She stopped pacing and looked at him, putting her hands on her hips.

He couldn't work out why she was so mad. Nor could he take his eyes off her bare, slim, tanned legs.

‘And if you ask me, that's ridiculous. Your father contracted something he could have got at any point in his life. That wasn't your fault. But you've grown up thinking that it was. How dare he make you feel like that? How dare he put that pressure on you?'

She was getting more riled up by the second. ‘He had no right—no right to do that to you at all.'

Austin stood up and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘I know that. I do. It's just taken me a little time to get there.'

‘So what does that mean? That you, in turn, will put all that on me?'

If he'd been confused before, he was totally lost now. ‘No. What do you mean? What are you talking about?'

She pointed at him. ‘You. You came into my office and said we had to cool it. You said I'd—' she lifted her fingers in the air ‘—“distracted” you. You said that your feelings for me had made you lose focus—that you couldn't concentrate on piloting. What kind of a thing is that to say to anyone? So, if you go on your mission in a few years' time, and make a mistake, that could be my fault? I've ruined your mission. I've cost people's lives? Who does that, Austin? Who says things like that?'

Tears were glistening in her eyes and he could feel panic start to swamp him. This was the last thing he wanted. He'd never wanted to hurt Corrine.

And she was right. Everything he'd said had come out wrong.

This was his fault. He'd met a woman who had just blown him away—much more than any space flight ever could. She'd challenged his mind and his heart. He'd felt a connection that he'd never felt before.

And he didn't know how to put that into words.

What a fool.

He could print out his résumé for anyone. His service, his test-pilot status, the tours of duty, the missions he'd flown. Most people were impressed. Most people used the word hero to describe Austin Mitchell.

But here he was, hurting the woman he loved because he couldn't make a decision.

He shook his head. His heart squeezed as a tear slid down her cheek.

He loved her.
He loved her.
He just couldn't tell her.

Because for the first time in his life, Austin Mitchell wasn't brave enough.

Wasn't brave enough to put his heart on his sleeve and ask her if she could love him back.

The risk seemed huge. What if he declared his love for her then decided he didn't want to be an astronaut? How would she react? Would they still have their connection? Would she still want to be with him?

He'd dated lots of women. But maybe his taste was questionable, because most of them had loved having Austin on their arm and telling the world he was a Top Gun instructor. It seemed they'd been more stuck on the title than stuck on him.

But Corrine wasn't one of those women. And what he felt for her seemed so real that he couldn't bear it if she didn't feel the same way.

It wouldn't be fair. If he chose to go into space, then Corrine would be left on the ground. They'd be apart for months.

She shook her head. ‘I don't want this to be about me. I don't want any of this to be about me. I shouldn't even enter into this equation. This has to be about you. About what
you
want. About where
you
want to go in your career. You have to leave me on the sidelines. I can't be part of this.'

He understood. He understood exactly what she was saying. ‘But you are,' he said simply. ‘I spent four weeks in Kazakhstan thinking about nothing else.'

He almost couldn't believe he'd said that out loud. Austin Mitchell didn't do this. He didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. But when he was about to make one of the biggest decisions in his life he couldn't hold back. He had to play with all cards in the deck.

‘I can't let you do this.' She stood up quickly. ‘You've wanted this for so long. I can't be the reason you're having second thoughts. We don't even know what “we” are, Austin. If you change your mind now you'll end up hating me for the rest of your life. I can't live with that.'

He could hear the emotion flooding through her. She started pacing. ‘What if we have a fight in six months and walk away from each other? How would you feel then?'

He stood up next to her and grabbed her shoulders. ‘I don't know. I just don't know. That's what's wrong. I'm so used to knowing exactly what I want out of life. All of a sudden, I'm not so sure.'

One minute she was telling him not to include her—the next it was very clear she wasn't happy. It seemed that Corrine was every bit as confused as he was.