The Dollhouse (21 page)

"It's just some antibiotics, nothing to worry about. I'm sorry you had to come all the way back for this."

"I wanted to see you," I said, leaning back to sit on the edge of her bed. "You have no idea how scared I was when I found out you were in the hospital."

"Well at least you're here now." She patted my hand gently. "We missed you."

"I missed you guys, too."

"How soon do you have to go back to work."

"I might not be going back," I said carefully. "But we can talk about that when you get out of the hospital."

A knock came at the open door and I turned to see one of the doctors standing in the doorway.

"How are we doing today, Mrs. Moreno?" The doctor asked as she entered the room. "Is this your other daughter?"

"I'm Dalea." I stood up quickly to greet her and the room spun around me. I felt myself hit the floor and heard my mother's anguished cry, just as everything went dark.

* * *

I
woke
up on a hospital gurney with a nurse leaning over me.

"Good, you're awake," she said brightly, wrapping a bandage around my arm where I saw there was a newly placed IV line. "You took a nasty spill."

"What happened?" I asked groggily, struggling to orient myself in time and space. "Where's my mom?"

"Your mom's fine, just worried about you. We brought you down to the ER after you passed out. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm fine," I said quickly, trying to sit up. "I need to get back to my mom."

She pushed me back down with hands that were gentle but firm. "Not so fast. Let's wait for the doctor to give you the okay and then you can head out."

"Okay," I said, collapsing back on the gurney. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, like I'd jogged home from Chicago instead of flying.

The curtain surrounding the hospital bed parted and a pleasant-faced doctor with a combover entered. "Are you Dalea Moreno?"

"That's me," I said, forcing a smile. "Am I good to go?"

"Not quite," the doctor said and pulled the curtain closed behind him. "I'm Dr. Stuart and I just want to go over a few things before we let you go. Do you have a headache?"

"Maybe a little, but it's not bad."

"Any dizziness?"

"No."

"I looked over the result from the blood samples we took and you're a little dehydrated and anemic. But that isn't too out of the ordinary given your condition."

I looked at him in confusion. "My condition?"

"I mean the pregnancy. Some dizziness is common in the first trimester."

The word hit me like a punch to the gut. "Pregnant?"

The doctor widened his eyes slightly. "You didn't know?"

I mutely shook my head, unable to speak.

"Well congratulations. Or not, as the case may be." The doctor's voice was gentle. "You'll want to follow up with an obstetrician as soon as you can. I'll get you some prenatal vitamins before you leave because you should start taking those immediately."

"Thank you," I said dazedly, my mind whirling. I couldn't be pregnant, could I? Julian and I used condoms, at least most of the time.

This couldn't be happening.

The doctor gently cleared his throat. "As soon as the IV fluids are done, we'll get you back upstairs to your mother. Let the nurse know if you have any other questions."

I was barely aware of him leaving, caught in the maelstrom of my own thoughts. All I could hear was the little voice in my mind that begged for mercy from a universe that clearly wasn't listening.

The life inside of me would link us together forever, even if he never knew it. I carried part of Julian inside of me, a part that would stay with me forever.

I wouldn't ever be free of him.

W
hen I got
upstairs to Momma's bedside, Luis and Lucy were waiting for me. Miranda stood behind them, the expression on her face somber. It lit up when she saw me.

"Girlfriend! I feel like I haven't seen you in a year."

I let her wrap her arms around me and leaned into her, desperate to feel some sort of comfort and safety. I was shaken to the core. It was if my world had been sharply tilted and I threatened to slip off the edge and into an abyss.

My mother didn't have enough strength to share with me, but Miranda was a good substitute.

"Dal-ya!" Lucy shouted and ran up to wrap her arms around both us in a spontaneous group hug.

I bent to pick her up in my arms, marveling at how heavy she was getting. "Baby girl, I missed you."

"I missed you too." She gave me a smile that revealed the missing place where her front teeth were supposed to be. I could see her tongue poking through the hole.

"Are you back forever?"

"I might be." I set her down. "Have you been taking care of Momma?"

She frowned. "Momma's sick. I didn't do anything but she just got sick."

"Oh, I know you didn't do anything, sweetheart. Sometimes people just get sick. It isn't anyone's fault."

"Mrs. Norbert says that little kids are like walking germ factories and she won't let us come into her apartment because I make her pet birds sick."

"Birds aren't the same as people," I reassured her. "And Mrs. Norbert is just mad because she can't get anyone into her apartment, much less you."

Lucy grinned. "I'm glad you're back, Dalea."

"Me too, sweetheart."

Momma was laying quietly in the hospital bed, watching us. When she caught me looking, a wan smile crossed her features.

"How long do you think they'll need to keep you," I asked her.

“Not that long, I’m sure,” she said and coughed in a hacking way that worried me. "It's just a little infection, nothing to worry too much about."

"You just finished the chemo a few weeks ago," I reminded her. "Remember when the doctor talked to us about how you wouldn't be able to fight off infection very well for a while, even after the treatments were done."

"You sound just like the doctors, Dalea," she said crossly. "Remind me where you got your medical degree from."

I forced myself to take a deep breath and think calming thoughts so I didn't snap right back at her. "We're all just worried about you getting better, Momma."

“Well, nobody's gonna keep me locked up in here forever like a damn invalid, not you or those damn doctors. You go find someone and ask them how much longer I need to sit here like this." She held up her arm where the long IV line was connected. "I know you can get these medications as pills. I'm not a damn pincushion."

"Okay, Momma." I'd forgotten what a terrible patient my mother could be. She alternated between a complete inability to do anything for herself and a belligerent insistence that we should just let her be because everything was just fine.

Miranda stood with me and gestured to the door. "I picked up a night shift at the diner so I'm gonna head over there. They’re probably short, if Luis wants to come with me."

Luis stood quickly, obviously eager to get out of the hospital and away from Momma's tirades. "Yeah, I could definitely use the cash."

"Okay," I said a little hesitantly, trying not to feel sad at the fact that my family had continued living their lives without me while I was gone. I had figured that the minute I wasn't there to force him, Luis would have quit his job at the diner and gone back to hanging with his idiot friends outside the convenience store. "I guess I'll take Lucy home with me in a little bit."

Miranda wrapped me in another hug before she left. "Call me tomorrow and we'll catch up. I want to hear all about how the fancy job is going."

"Definitely," I said quickly. I had put a conscious effort into not thinking about Julian. The last thing I needed was a reminder of the time we'd spent together.

You've got a permanent reminder now.

My hand reflexively moved to my stomach and I forced it down to my side. It felt like some sort of nightmare. If I just pinched myself hard enough then I could wake up and get back to the life where I wasn't pregnant with Julian's baby.

I shuddered and pretended to watch Miranda and Luis leave so Momma wouldn't see the likely stricken look on my face. I desperately wanted to ignore it, but eventually I was going to have to face the fact that something was going to need to be done.

"I'm going to try to find one of the doctors and hit up the vending machine," I said out loud, thankful my voice remained steady. "You guys need anything."

"Gummy bears," Lucy piped up. "And apple juice."

"I don't know if any of the vending machines here have gummy bears and apple juice, but I'll see what I can do." I returned to Momma's side and leaned over her to fluff the pillows supporting her head. "Can I get you anything, Momma?"

"Just a ticket out of here," she grumped. I turned to go. "And some coffee."

"I'll get you decaf," I said firmly and closed the curtain surrounding her bed.

I purposefully bypassed the nurse's station. The last thing the busy staff needed was to listen to my mother complain about not being discharged. If they were keeping her here it was likely for a good reason.

The hallway stretched long in front of me and I felt suddenly exhausted and overwhelmed. I leaned against the wall for a long moment, trying to calm the frantic beating of my heart.

I'm pregnant.

I hadn't said the words out loud yet. Somehow, it felt like I didn't have to accept that all of this was real if I didn't admit to it out loud. I couldn't believe what I had let my life come to and all out of love for a person who wasn't capable of feeling that emotion himself.

Don't go.

If you leave, don't ever come back.

What kind of sick shit was that, anyway? I felt myself becoming inexplicably angry as I heard his voice in my mind, demanding that I stay and abandon my family because there was nothing in the world more important than his desires.

And in the end, he couldn't even admit that there was anything between us besides lust and a shared kink.

Tell me you love me.

I shuddered as the words rang in my head, embarrassed at myself for ever uttering them. What had I expected, really? Julian had made no secret of the fact that our relationship was one with strict boundaries. He hadn't even bothered to tell me that his wife was dead out of fear that I'd expect some sort of commitment.

He didn't deserve me.

And I didn't deserve this.

Of course, that didn't answer the question of whether or not I should tell him about the pregnancy. Would he demand to take some part in my decision or would he be as aloof about this as he'd been about everything else?

Did I owe him the chance to decide?

I pushed myself off of the wall before a stray nurse could come by and demand I go back down the ER. One round of IV fluids was enough for the day.

The vending machines were one floor down and I waited at the bay of elevators because I couldn't stomach the thought of taking the stairs. If felt like I had to move my body through molasses — my limbs heavy and unresponsive. I couldn't tell if the feeling was from dehydration, stress or the fact that I hadn't slept in almost twenty-four hours.

I put a hand on my still-flat belly. I didn't feel anything, not a murmur or whisper that there was a life growing inside of me. How long would it take, I wondered, for the thing to be big enough to move?

Because eventually I would feel it move. I knew that I didn't have it in my heart to terminate the pregnancy. It wasn't the little zygote's fault that I was an idiot and Julian was an asshole. Maybe I'd be able to find a nice couple who didn't tie each other up for fun who'd want to adopt him, or her.

Of course, adoption meant that eventually I was going to have to tell Momma about the pregnancy. There weren't enough baggy sweatshirts and oversized pants in the world to cover up the fact that I was pregnant. If Momma wasn't so wrapped up in being in the hospital, she would have already realized that something was different about me.

The elevator doors opened with a ding. I stepped inside the empty car and tried to resist the wave of nausea that came over me as it moved downward with a stutter.

They call it morning sickness because you're only supposed to get it in the morning, right? With the way things were going, it seemed pretty clear that I wouldn’t be that lucky.

I felt in my pocket for the handful change I still had left. Money was going to be the other issue that I had to contend with. I couldn't imagine that Julian was going to keep sending checks now that I'd reneged on our agreement. But I balked at the idea of going back to the diner to work. It was time to get my life together.

When I got to the second floor vending machine it was only to be met with an
out-of-order
sign. I had to resist the urge to kick it out of frustration.

I went to the second floor nurses's station and flagged down a harried-looking candy striper.

"Do you know where there are any other vending machines?" I asked.

She glanced up quickly from the pile of linen and blankets in her arms. "You can try the first-floor lobby. They have coffee and machines, I think."

"Thanks."

I took the stairs down this time because the idea of having to wait another five minutes for the creaking elevator was slightly worse than heaving myself down a single flight.

The lobby was deserted, as befitted the time. I was going to have to get Lucy home soon if I wanted her up for school without a tantrum in the morning. I walked past the glass doors at the entrance of the hospital and stopped short.

Julian stood on the other side of the doors staring at me. When he saw me looking, he turned away and disappeared into the dark

I rushed towards the doors and pushed them open, but he was gone. I looked down both sides of the deserted street but there was no sign of him.

Had I just imagined him? Was I not just pregnant, but going crazy too?

He couldn't have been there. I was definitely seeing things. There was no way that Julian had followed me here. He didn't care about me and he'd made that perfectly clear.

I shook off the sudden feeling of despair and went back inside of the hospital. The vending machines by the surgical waiting room were still in service and I had just enough change to get Momma a cup of decaf coffee and some sour worms for Lucy.

Momma was asleep when I got back upstairs and Lucy was cuddled up in the bed next to her watching cartoons on the television attached the wall above their heads. I set the coffee down and stared down at Momma. She was paler than she should have been. I could see pale blue veins running up her arms. And she'd lost weight.

"Let's go home and let Momma sleep," I whispered to Lucy.

"Did you get my gummy bears," she asked, as she climbed out of the bed.

"Sour gummy worms. You can eat them on the way home."

"Is Auntie Miranda gonna take us home?"

I realized belatedly that I had come to the hospital in a cab and had no way of getting us back to the apartment.

"Shit."

Lucy gasped and then giggled. "That's a potty word."

"Well, it's been a potty day," I assured here. "Hold on, I need to figure out how we're going to get home."

"I want my worms."

I passed her the bag of candy as I rustled in the purse that I'd set on the bedside table. I didn't have any more cash for a cab ride and I couldn't call Miranda to come back when she'd already said that she was headed to work.

I fished out my cell phone and hit the power button, praying that it still had some battery left after being locked up for over a month. When the screen flashed on, I checked the battery percentage — 25% — and silently blessed Naomi for turning the device off before locking it away.

But who to call?

I quickly scrolled through my programmed contact list, more than a little saddened by the lack of choices. I hadn't made many friends going from home to the diner and back again.

When I got to the last name on the list, I hesitated. It only took another moment to realize that I didn't really have another choice.

* * *

W
hen Zach pulled
up to emergency room doors in a billow of dark smoke, Lucy and I were waiting for him.

He must have caught the expression on my face, because he was grinning as he jumped out of the driver's door.

"You asked if I could get a car."

"I did." I pushed Lucy towards the back the door and helped her inside. "I guess this is technically a car."

"I think you mean a hooptie." Zach said with a laugh. "It belongs to my uncle and it was all I could manage on short notice."

"Thank you for coming to get us, really." I reached over Lucy to help fasten her seatbelt and held up two buckle ends, neither of which had a snap. I sighed and tied the ends together over her lap. "Just promise that you'll get us home in one piece."