The Douchebag Bible (14 page)

E offset that this book’s title is misleading. You will find no

defenses of
actual
evil within this text. To attempt to justify the

genocide of Adolf Hitler or the murder spree of The Zodiac Killer

would be an exercise in callous anti-humanism, which does not

interest me.

I have never been given to feelings of hatred towards my

species as a whole. I look upon my fellow man not with loathing,

but with bitter disappointment and a profound sense of

detachment. I see these creatures called humans as uptight and

humorless drones, bent on consumption, comfort and simplicity.

Most are feeble, both intellectually and emotionally, unable to

state their desires in simple terms, unable to pursue their wants

in a responsible fashion, unable to treat each other with dignity

in the face of disagreement.

For these and other reasons, I long ago seceded from the

human race. I now comment on your species as an outsider, one

removed from the struggles of your day to day lives by the simple

act of not considering myself a part of your world.

This is not to say that I am without a stake in the human

saga, but I am no more attached to you and your world than I am

to the characters from my favorite films and books. It doesn’t

matter one iota to me that those characters are fictional and you

are real. I am not prejudiced against good or interesting people

simply because they don’t necessarily “exist” in the traditional

sense of the word.

Few of us are ever tested in the way that fictional

characters often are. There are moments in all great fiction

wherein the resolve of the protagonist is put to trial before a

gauntlet of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. In surviving

these obstacles, we learn the true character of our hero. We learn

his strengths and weaknesses. We learn his values.

In real life, we know little of the true values of our fellow

men and women. We know only what they espouse as their values.

Further, we have too much of a stake in this world to see things

clearly. Often, if a person betrays us, we determine them to be of

poor character—but perhaps there are many instances where if

we pulled back and looked at their situations more objectively,

we’d discover that their motives for betraying us were good. Sadly,

the worm can never be objective about the dietary needs of the

early bird.

Similarly, I cannot look at my own species with objectivity

unless I choose to secede from it. Thus my motives for

abandoning my humanity are not solely the result of a dark

impulse to become inhuman, but a trade-off, a deal with the devil.

I still take delight in human triumph, just as I feel sorrow in

human failing. I do not, however, take any credit or blame for

either.

Perhaps some people will find this position to be little

more than apathy with a patina of pseudo-Nietzschian rhetoric

painted over it. It is not my intention to refute those people here.

I would only ask that they keep their gavel from banging out the

final verdict on my character until they’ve absorbed every word of

this book. If they find me or my ideas wanting after they’ve turned

the final page, then they can tell me so and I will smile and bear

their maltreatment with all the poise I can muster. It will be easy,

because no matter how you feel about this book or about me, the

fact that you are reading these words means that I have your

money. And make no mistake, ladies and gentleman, I will spend

it frivolously.

Now that I’ve put my feelings regarding my relationship to

my species into perspective, I can move forward with my

explanation as to this book’s title:
“In Defense Of Evil: Why Good

Is Bad and Bad Is Good.”
As I said before, it is not my intention

to argue in favor of the genuine evils that man has displayed or to

argue against man’s true virtues.

This book is, instead, a criticism of false morality—false

morality being defined as morality which serves no practical

purpose for 21st century human beings, yet persists through the

dubious methods of preservation employed by its proponents.

Throughout this book I will provide examples of false morals and

why they are impractical and often, when logic is applied to them,

unethical. I will also show how many of the things that modern

people overwhelmingly believe to be evil (even if many people shy

away from that word itself) are in fact harmless or even positive.

In essence, the goal of this book is to show how modern

morality is a complete farce. I should state, for the terminally

serious, that I have a rare condition known as a sense of humor

that leads me to say things that I may not genuinely believe solely

to amuse myself. If you find yourself getting irate and incensed

by a particular passage, please be mindful of my increasingly rare

condition and forgive me in advance.

Whence Cometh Evil?

Cody Weber’s hair was blond the week that I went to visit him in

the dirty little Midwest town of Keokuk, Iowa. He shoveled eggs

into his mouth under the harsh light of the truckstop diner,

talking, often with his mouth full, about his favorite subject:

failure.

He spoke of how he was destined to be someone greater

than the pallid lad sitting before me. He told me that as a child

everyone had expected wondrous feats from him, had imagined

him as a world conquering go-getter. This he spoke with sorrow.

When he came to the part where their fantasies of his all

crumbled to the dust of disappointment, however, the pride in his