The Douchebag Bible (22 page)

occasionally the powerful let someone with genuine integrity

infiltrate the mainstream. Usually they do it on accident and,

when they’ve realized their mistake, cannot possible fix the

problem as long as the individual of integrity is successful. To do

so would be to declare themselves open enemies of true integrity

and undermine their unquestioned authority.

I fear, however, that the day is fast approaching when few

people will recognize true integrity and the powerful will be in the

position to oppose it openly. It’s as Bill said. “
A person happy

doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a

subversive.”

What merely seems eccentric today may be called

subversive tomorrow. And what is merely subversive today may

become unforgivable tomorrow.

The “pursuit of happiness” that our founders 15 felt important

enough to call an inalienable right in The Declaration of

Independence is now viewed as evil by the majority of Americans.

Of course, if you sat most of Americans down and said, “Do you

believe in the pursuit of happiness?” they’d nod their empty heads

until the sound of the spare change rattling around in their skulls

gave you a migraine—yet, those who truly pursue happiness are

cast in a villainous light. The enterprising young businessman in

the slums who tries to make money selling drugs that the US

government doesn’t approve of will find himself crushed beneath

15 Apologies to non-American readers.

police truncheons because, as Chris Rock so astutely pointed out,

“Only the white man is allowed to profit from other people’s pain.”

I would substitute the word “normal” instead of the “white” but

otherwise have no qualms with his statement.

The pursuit of happiness cannot only be for the rich, the

well-connected or those willing to sell their souls for table scraps

from the big corporate banquet. If happiness is to truly be an

inalienable right than laws must only be passed and enforced

when the cost of one man’s happiness is the destruction of

another man’s will. The drug dealer peddles his wares to drug

users who have a choice—they can choose to take drugs or not to

take drugs. The murderer’s victims have no choice—which is why

murder must remain illegal. The murderer’s right to the pursuit

of happiness must be alienable to safeguard to inalienable rights

of others.

This does not, however, make the urges of a murderer

evil—they’re simply not pragmatic. If the murder finds a willing

victim, one who wishes to by killed because he is tired of life (or

for some other reason), then said murderer can pursue his

happiness without violating the right to another’s happiness.

We are here making the assumption that our lives are the

property of our selves—which is the assumption that our founders,

despite their slave-owning hypocrisy, made when they founded

this country of rugged individualists who reviled the authority of

the crown of England.

This idea is contrary to all presently popular socio-

theological-political models. We are viewed by a great many as

property of a God whose will is known to us only through the

5,000- to 2,000-year-old desert scribblings of Jewish nomads.

Our lives are seen by those who subscribe to this ludicrous

fairytale as nothing more than kindling to stoke the fires of Hell

or drones whose sole purpose is to act out the will of their fictional

deity.

Others see us as belonging to the state. The state can

decide what’s best for us, take our money to create weapons for

our soldiers to use to attack countries that we have nothing

against. And if too many of our soldiers die, they’ve no qualms

about ordering citizens to fight in their wars. “Fight or go to

prison” is the choice they give us, all while claiming that we’re

fighting for “freedom.” What freedom? Their freedom to tell you

what to do? Their freedom to conscript you into an army and

make you kill your fellow man for the sake of a cause that you’ll

never understand? Their freedom to send you to your death the

moment that your death will fatten their pockets in the slightest?

You are not free as long as you are the property of a God or

a government. You are only free when you are the master of your

fate and the captain of your soul. The elections that they hold are

nothing more than a means of placating you with fake freedom,

whilst strategically keeping you from the historical

understanding of what true freedom entails. It is as Benjamin

Franklin once said: “Democracy is three wolves and a sheep

voting on dinner. Liberty is a well armed sheep contesting the

result.”

When you allow yourself to be fodder for the wars of

powerful men, you are not well-armed sheep contesting the result.

You are pawns on a chessboard, viewed by the King and Queen as

wholly expendable from a larger strategic perspective.

If you kill enough for them and are brave and selfless (what

a terrible thing to be) enough for them, you could win a Medal of

Honor. You could be a hero, like Ira Hayes who raised the flag at

Iwo Jima in that famous picture and died drunk face down in a

ditch lying in his own vomit and blood a number of years later.

The currency of honor does not buy a means to the pursuit

of happiness. Rather, it further indebts you to your owners—the

CEO, the senator, the judges and cops and prison guards. And

they’ve shown—from their inability to take care of the heroes at

Iwo Jima or the heroes of 9/1116—that no matter how much you

give them, they won’t give anything back.

The people are told to be selfless while the politicians,

justice system officials and corporate cocksuckers are free to be

selfish. You’re told to not pursue your happiness, while they whip

16 http://www.firerescue1.com/news/233790/

Excerpt:
“
About 40,000 people — law-enforcement officers, firefighters, transit
workers and others, many of whom were volunteers — converged on southern

Manhattan five years ago to help in the rescue and recovery efforts after the attack

on the World Trade Center. A study by Mount Sinai Medical Center shows 70

percent of those workers have respiratory problems.”

The government has refused to pay for healthcare for these men and women, many of

whom were volunteers. You give to America and America gives nothing back other

than vague allusions to the concept of freedom that mean nothing upon even the

most rudimentary examination.