The Douchebag Bible (72 page)

had discovered a brand new subsistence strategy. It

was not until this point that we began to seem

markedly different than our chimp cousins. Sure, we

had always been a little bit better at making tools

and communicating with one another, but who

could have imagined that we would have it in us to

bend the land itself to our will?

So, human beings went from a race of

scavengers and hunters to a race of farmers. What

social changes accompanied this change in survival

strategy? Chiefly this: we went from a society with

loose hierarchical distinctions, to a society that all of

the sudden had need of tight leadership roles. First,

there were village leaders—but soon their were kings

and generals, commanding vast swatches of

territory and ruthlessly expanding their empires.

Soon (relatively speaking), this gave way to the rise

of democracy in all of its modern forms. The birth of

agriculture soon gave way to the birth of government,

which was in turn birth of capital, and the birth of

huge income gaps (human X has far more pigs than

human Y.) This sort of sounds terrible until you

realize that before this inequality existed, everyone

was equally miserable.

What happens if you put a bacterium alone in

a petri dish? It builds a society. What happens when

you kill the alpha chimp? A new alpha chimp

emerges. What happens when you overthrow a

government? (HINT: the answer is not, “Anarchy.”)

A new government emerges. Or several new

governments emerge. Hierarchies are inherent to

social animals—and a social animal with a society as

complex as our own is going to create leaders and

followers. We are powerless not to.

You’ve certainly noticed this behavior even

among your own circle of friends. You might not

designate someone group leader, but the role is

nonetheless obvious to everyone. Odds are you have

also noticed that some of your friends are far more

submissive and compliant. Anarchy doesn’t even

work in a group of 6 people, let alone a group of 6

million.

But with the necessary evil of government

comes the necessary hilarity that is politics.

2. THE SHADOW OF ISLAM

I come from an older tradition of liberals who

wanted to see corruption uprooted from the system

and power returned to the people. The new

liberalism seems to be about little more than making

sure no one gets their feelings hurt.

I don’t see it as progressive to lie about the

treatment of women in the middle east because you

just can’t wait to bend over backwards for Islam. The

pitiful capitulation of the left wing to Muslim

interests is detestable and antithetical to the core

value that left-wingers are supposed to stand by:

justice. Social justice. Economic justice.

If you stand with those who treat women like

second-class citizens, then you are scum. If you are

among those who treat women like second-class

citizens, then you are not even fit to exist in modern

society. You don’t meet the minimum requirements

for existing on this planet.

I want to make it clear: If you are a Muslim who

practices a version of Islam that does not denigrate

women, you and I have no problems. But when you

look at the policies of Islamic-controlled countries,

it’s pretty clear that most Muslims do feel that

women should have less rights in a great many

matters.

3. DEMOCRACY EXPLAINED

In your perfect society, idea X only makes

sense if idea Y is also implemented. And idea Y only

makes sense if idea Z is also in place.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You want

XYZ! But a lot of people want ABC. The candidates

running are LMN and MNO. ABC is voting for LMN,

because they think LMN is closer to ABC than MNO.

You, as an XYZ, are voting for MNO because you

believe that MNO is closer to XYZ than LMN. You’re

in luck! MNO won the election. So, they’re

implement societal strategy MNO, but they’ll add

one of your ideas in to please you—LMNX. But, they

have to placate the ABC people too, so they’ll

implement LMNXA.

LMNXA is, of course, bloated and its ideas are

an incongruent mix of the unwanted, the

unnecessary and the useless-on-its-own.

DIRECT DEMOCRACY: You want XYZ! But a

lot of people want ABC. XACZ is enacted. XACZ is

collection of ideas that were never meant to go

together. Two conflicting ideas coming to a

laughable compromise that creates dissonance for

all and pleases no one.

I don’t think it makes a difference what sort of

democracy we have, because democracy will always

lend itself to very strange compromises that murder

the efficacy of any plan that any party could ever