The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (10 page)

Almost instantly the warm night
air roused me from my drunken state and the enormity of this
situation started to fester on my teenage brain. I was going to
have sex. This was really going to happen. But wait – what if I was
no good? What if I got too excited and squirted before I had even
got my pants off? Or what if I got her pregnant? Shit, where were
those condoms?

I quickly
flipped my phone out and texted the boys to find out where the six
packets of condoms were that we had brought along on this trip
(only one had been used so far – by Rob obviously). Within seconds
I got a reply from Jack informing me of which drawer I could find
the
Randy van Warmers
in, as he liked to refer to them as. Little did I know that I
had just made schoolboy error number two.

We arrived at
the door to the apartment. Rebecca passionately kissed and nuzzled
my neck as I fumbled to get the key in the door. She whispered how
much she wanted me, which only served to make me feel more anxious.
Finally I got the key in the door and we were in. She shoved me
down on to the bed and leapt on top of me, whispering further
delightful treats such as
stick it in
me.
I reached across to the drawer where
Jack said the condoms were stashed.

What was I going to do once I
had a condom anyway? Did I put it on straight away or did I wait
until she instructed me to do so? And what if she wanted to go
downstairs for some foreplay – did I put it on before or after? I
was so confused.

But the condoms were nowhere to
be found. I panicked. What if I couldn't find them? Would she still
let me stick it in?

I didn’t have much time to
think about it though as suddenly the door swung open. It was then
my schoolboy errors came home to roost as standing in the doorway
were the laughing teenage figures of Rob, Jack, and Ollie.

“
Go on my
son!” Jack shrieked. “You'll need these,” and he threw the condoms
at us. I was horrified as the packet bounced off Rebecca’s head.
She screamed at me to get them out, and I jumped up without
thinking. The laughs grew louder as I stood naked in front of my
so-called friends, with a penis as tall and proud as ever, and
ushered them out. I could still hear their laughter outside as I
turned around and scooped up one of the condoms. I ripped the
packet open and struggled to roll the latex balloon down my penis.
Luckily Rebecca was on hand to tell me I was doing it the wrong
way.

As soon as I
was strapped I jumped back into bed. Screw foreplay – I didn't know
how much time I had left. Ignoring the giggles outside the front
door I proceeded to lose my virginity.
Awkwardly
. But things were about to
take an unexpected turn.

During the course of that day I
had visited the local shop and returned with bread, ham, and
cheese. My fantastic idea was that we would save beer money in our
final week by making sandwiches for lunch. In my head, this was a
fantastic idea and I would return home a hero. In reality, it is a
well-known scientific fact that boys are immature at the best of
times. Seventeen-year old boys on their first holiday are probably
at the most immature level the male species can reach. Instead of
praising my well-thought out plan of making sandwiches, they
ridiculed me mercilessly and started to throw slices of ham, bread,
and cheese around our apartment to show their appreciation.

I don't think I will ever
forget the moment 30 seconds into losing my virginity that I
noticed the piece of ham stuck to side of Rebecca's face. “What the
hell is this?” she screamed upon realising she had a smelly, cold,
piece of processed meat attached to her cheek. Her horror caused
her muscles to tense, which caught me by surprise, and is still the
reason I maintain to this very day why I only lasted 36 seconds
during my first ever sexual experience. And if you don't believe me
you can always watch the whole sorry incident on Jack's camera
phone as luckily he was at the apartment window filming every last
pathetic detail.

*

This was the first date I’d
been on in over three years. After being with one person for so
long, it was almost like I had no recollection of the rules of
dating.

Luckily though, the boys had
been on hand during the course of the week and were kind enough to
offer their expertise on first dates, and how to impress a
girl.

Where to take her:

Rob:
Too many guys take girls to the cinema on a first
date, but that is no good. You want to go somewhere where you can
talk and get to know each other. You can’t go too wrong with a
romantic dinner. But don’t take her to Burger King for crying out
loud.

Ollie:
There is that new Kung-Fu film on at the cinema.
I bet she’d like that. Or even better, take her to a horror because
she’ll be all over you. You might even cop a feel in the back
row.

Jack:
Wherever you go, make sure you arrange to meet
somewhere out in the open so you can get a good look at her
beforehand. I’m sure Grace is a good-looking girl, but we all had
our beer goggles on that night. She could be a right old bow-wow.
In which case, ditch her there and then. Give me a call and we’ll
go for a beer instead.

Start of the date:

Rob:
Make sure you arrive early and compliment her.
Tell her how fantastic she looks before you say anything else.
Girls love compliments, but don’t go too overboard because they
will start to lose their effect, and you’ll come across as a
desperado.

Ollie:
Get a few shots in; it will help you relax. But
don’t have too many, you don’t want to get drunk too early. Seven
or eight shots should do the trick. Maybe drink a pint of milk
before you go out just to line your stomach. Or maybe a dairy-based
alcoholic beverage like Eggnog. That will kill two birds with one
stone!

Jack:
Don’t play your cards too early – keep a few aces
up your sleeve. You don’t want to slip a Manchester United shirt on
and call yourself Roy Keane. Girls hate it when guys are too keen.
The last thing you want to do is be hanging on her every word and
come across too
Roy
.

During the date:

Rob:
Listen to her and ask questions. Keep your focus,
attention, and conversation solely on her. Be interested in what
she has to say and get to know her. Make her feel like she is the
only person in the room that really matters. But don’t stare at her
tits though; unless she encourages that sort of thing. If she does
– winner!

Ollie:
I would advise against farting in front of her.
The only time you can really do that is after you have slept with
her a few times and then you can trap her head under the covers.
She is officially your girlfriend when you get to the stage of
forcing her head into the Dutch oven.

Jack:
Make sure you crack a few jokes throughout the
date. Birds love a guy with a good sense of humour. Say things
like, “Want to come back to mine for pizza and sex? Why not? Don’t
you like pizza?” She'll be all over you mate, trust me.

The end of the date:

Rob:
Some girls don’t kiss on the first date; some
will be disappointed if you don’t at least try to kiss her
goodnight. There is no easy answer for this one. You’ll have to try
and gauge the situation from her body language and go on your gut
instinct. Not once have I ever failed to get a goodnight kiss, but
this is you we’re talking about.

Ollie:
I insist on two things when I go back to a girl’s
flat: a cooked breakfast in the morning, and a lift
home.

Jack:
If she bites it, smack her.

Loaded with such brilliant
advice, how could things possibly go wrong? I’d arranged to meet
Grace in a bar in Leicester Square at 8pm. I was planning on
getting there about five minutes early, but my enthusiasm to make
sure I was on time meant I ended up getting to the bar 20 minutes
too early.

I decided to go in and scope
the place out. I spotted an intimate table in the corner and
slipped my jacket across the back of the chair, like a lion marking
my territory. I decided to get a drink in, something a lion
probably wouldn’t do.

“
Vodka and
coke, please,” I said to the barmaid. I watched as she poured in a
double measure of vodka and then sprayed the coke on top; the ice
clinking against the glass as she sat it down in front of
me.

“
That’s seven
pounds and 20 pence please,” the barmaid said. Bloody West End
prices. I started to think that I hadn’t thought this through very
well. Inevitably I was going to end up paying for this date, with
that being the gentlemanly thing to do. This was going to cost me
an arm and a leg.

I handed her a £10 note and she
placed the change on one of those little silver trays in front of
me. I remembered Rob leaving the barmaid a tip last week, and his
plan had worked – he never had to wait longer than a couple of
minutes to get served whenever he went to the bar. So I scooped up
the silver coins and left the barmaid two gold ones.

“
Thank you
very much,” she said smiling as she collected the money. “I’ll be
able to get myself a drink when my shift ends at eight.” Bollocks I
thought to myself. My two pounds had earned me just 15 minutes
worth of immediate service. Not exactly money well
spent.

I had time to kill. Looking
around the bar, I started to get that paranoid feeling that people
were looking at me like I was some kind of loner. Of course, no one
was paying me any attention, but that didn’t prevent the burning
desire I had inside to prove I wasn’t alone, and was in fact
waiting for someone.

I constantly checked my watch,
and squinted as I stared into crowds of people, trying to make it
as obvious as possible I was looking for someone.

My mobile came
in extremely useful in this situation too. What did people do when
they were waiting for someone before mobile phones came along? I
pretended to text. I even started to write conversations with
myself. Before realising it I had typed out sentences like
Where is she? I hope she turns up soon.
I glanced around to make sure no one had seen
this and quickly deleted the messages.

I thought about calling
someone, but who would I call? If I called my mates they would take
the piss saying I had been stood-up. If I called my mum she would
want to pry; and calling your mum on a first date isn’t something I
could imagine a 21st century James Dean doing. Instead I pretended
to make a call.

I finished my first drink and
went to the bar and ordered another; getting my money’s worth for
the one and only time that night as the same barmaid served me
another double vodka and coke in record time. I sat back down and
looked at my watch: two minutes past eight.

As the minutes passed I
resisted the urge to text Grace. She had probably got caught on the
Tube or something, knowing how bad public transport could be.
Still, by the time 8.15pm ticked by I was onto my third vodka and
coke and starting to worry.

“
Hey, need
some company?” The barmaid I had bought a drink earlier plonked
herself down in the seat opposite me reserved for Grace.

“
I was just
waiting for someone,” I stuttered.

“
You’ve been
waiting for quite a long time. Has she stood you up?”

“
No, I just
got here early,” I told her, now nervously looking towards the
door. I was pretty sure that sitting here with another woman was
not going to be viewed too favourably on a first date.

“
I see guys
get stood up in here all the time. They sit around waiting for ages
like right losers. But you bought me a drink so I thought I’d take
pity on you.”

The nerve of this girl. She
couldn’t have been more than 19 and here she was making assumptions
that I was this sad loser who had been stood-up and needed her
company. Had she not seen my little act earlier which made it
perfectly clear I was waiting for someone?

“
I am not
a
loser
, she is
just running late,” I told her.

“
How do you
know? Has she called or text you?” she said, sipping on the drink I
had probably bought her.

“
Well,
no...”

“
She hasn’t
even contacted you? You have definitely been stood-up.” She
giggled.

“
I have not
been stood up. And even if I have, I don’t care
because...”

“
Hi Dan, I’m
so sorry I’m late,” out of nowhere Grace was now standing at the
side of the table. “Who’s this?”

Before I even had a chance to
reply the barmaid got in there. “He thought you had stood him
up.”

“
No, I didn’t
think
she
had
stood me up,” I frowned at the barmaid before turning to Grace with
a nervous smile on my face. “I didn’t think you had stood me
up.”

“
Anyway, I’ll
get off now you’re here. Thanks for the drink,” the barmaid said
before leaving me the most cumbersome start to a first date I think
I could have imagined.