The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (33 page)

“
You are not
far wrong,” I said. “These places should come with a warning sign,
or at least a designated area for all boyfriends and husbands, like
a bar in the basement or something.”

“
What are you
talking about?” she asked with a smile.

“
They should
have special men-only members clubs in all female retail outlets.
They would make a killing. Men would be queuing round the block to
sign up. We’d gladly pay a yearly membership fee.”

“
So what would
be in this members club?”

“
They could
stock it out with table football, big screen TV’s, pool tables,
Space Invader arcade machines. Free counselling sessions should be
offered to all the men who have suffered identical shopping
scenarios, so we could sit together and commiserate as we relive
our horror stories while the women shopped until their hearts
content.”

Kelly burst out laughing. “I
can’t believe how much you hate shopping.”

“
It’s not that
I hate shopping, I just don’t understand the way a girl shops. It
takes you guys about seven hours to finally decide to buy the first
thing you saw at the start of the day.”

“
Oh really?”
Kelly said, raising her eyebrows at me. “Seeing as you think you
can find the perfect present in record time, let’s put it to the
test today.”

“
Challenge
accepted,” I said. “I just need one or two details. What is Paul
into?”

“
Let me see,”
she pondered. “He loves his sport, and is really into
boxing.
Rocky
is
his favourite film of all time.”

“
This is going
to be too easy,” I said. “Come on, follow me.” I directed us away
from Oxford Street down Argyll Street. A quick left on to Great
Marlborough Street, and then we took a right to cut through on to
Carnaby Street.

“
Where are we
going?” Kelly asked.

“
Patience, we
are nearly there,” and we arrived at a small shop on the corner of
Carnaby Street and Beak Street called
King
of the Jungle.
This place prided itself on
having
Original Gifts for the Lion in Your
Life.

“
What is this
place?” Kelly asked as we walked in.

“
Are you
kidding me? This is probably the best shop in the whole of London,”
I told her. It was the type of shop you wouldn’t find on any high
street, yet it was full of little hidden gems. One side was full of
football memorabilia, with framed photographs signed by some of the
best players in the world, past and present. Next to that was a
selection of gadgets and boys’ toys, like icy beer mugs, remote
controlled cars, and an alarm clock with a small pole dancer
figurine that would wake you up every morning with your very own
lap dance. The back wall featured a selection of T-shirts with
witty slogans.

But what I was
looking for was in the film memorabilia section. Here you could
find talking
Tony Montana
toys
,
a
Goodfellas
poster signed by the complete cast, and framed
film cells from
The
Godfather
. I resisted the temptation to
start playing with the Al Pacino
Scarface
doll, and picked up a black
luxury bathrobe with gold trim.

“
A dressing
gown?” Kelly asked with a bewildered look on her face as if I had
gone crazy. “You brought me to this place to buy a dressing
gown?”

“
Yes, but not
just any dressing gown,” I said and turned the robe around to
reveal the
Italian Stallion
motif and logo on the back. “This is
Rocky Balboa’s
dressing
gown.”

She looked it up and down. “Are
you sure he will like it?”

“
Trust me, he
will love it” I reassured her. “If he doesn’t then I promise I will
go shopping with you every weekend for the next six months. If
Stacey had bought me this when we were together, we probably would
have never broken up.”

I handed her the robe and she
took one more look, before she turned to me smiling, and said,
“I’ll get it! But it will be on your head if he dumps me for buying
him a dressing gown for his birthday.”

Kelly paid for the robe and had
to practically drag me away from the gadgets in the corner. We made
our way back up to Oxford Circus to get the Tube home.

“
Why don’t you
come to Paul’s birthday party next week?” Kelly asked as we got
back on the Victoria Line and sat down. “You can bring your friends
with you.”

“
Yeah, why
not? I could do with a good night out.”

“
Thanks for
helping me with this, Dan,” Kelly said and kissed me on the cheek.
“You’ve gone all red,” she teased.

Chapter 21:
Paul’s Birthday

Saturday, August 8, 2009 -
8.31pm

Drought Clock: 218 days, 19
hours, 6 minutes

“
So what are
the girls going to be like at this party?” Jack asked as we made
our way to Mojo Bar in Soho where Kelly’s boyfriend Paul was
throwing his birthday bash. “They’d better be fit, Dan, because
there are rules about taking your mates to parties where the room
is full of facially-challenged women.”

“
I have no
idea what the girls are going to be like, mate,” I told him. “This
is Paul’s party, but I’m sure they’ll be enough girls there for
you. Just don’t try pulling any of his relatives.”

“
Like his mum,
you mean?” Rob joked. “Because you would never try to pull
someone’s mum would you Dan?”

“
Or their
little sister,” Ollie added.

“
Piss off,” I
bluntly replied, not wanting to be reminded of my own personal
nightmare with Dave’s relatives back on Valentine’s Day.

“
All I’m
saying is that if we enter this place and all I can see is a bunch
of ropey old tarts, I am going to turn straight around and walk
out,” Jack said just to drive his point home. “Taking us to a place
like that is a bit like an uneducated midget – it’s not big and
it’s not clever.”

“
Bit like you
then Jack,” Ollie said, lifting Jack up off his feet and carrying
him about 10 yards down the road before Jack managed to wriggle
free, his little legs kicking thin air.

“
Get your
hands off me, Lurch. Don’t make me slap you,” Jack said as he
tugged his shirt back into place. “Seriously, Dan, I’ve been
practising for tonight.”

“
Practising?”
Rob asked.

“
Oh yeah, I’ve
got all my best lines prepared. Tonight the ladies had better be
ready for the Jack Hammer.”

“
I really hope
that isn’t one of your lines,” I commented.

We arrived and made our way to
the downstairs bar Paul had hired for the evening. It was a cool
and stylish venue, with black leather seats around the side, and
electric blue lights to give the place a funky ambience. House
music thumped over the speakers, and the bar staff served an array
of multi-coloured cocktails. It was just starting to get busy and I
could tell by the way Jack had his tongue almost hanging out of his
mouth that he was happy with the talent.

In a sea of unfamiliar faces, I
saw Kelly, but I nearly didn’t recognise her. She was wearing a
gold sequin dress which plunged at the neckline. She had
straightened her hair, and wore a straight fringe cut just above
her eyes, with her long brown hair flowing down past her shoulders.
Her legs looked long and toned. She waved after spotting me and
started heading in my direction. Jack had obviously noticed her as
well and was tugging at my shirt. “Introduce me,” he said out the
corner of his mouth.

“
I’m so
pleased you came,” Kelly said and threw her arms around
me.

“
You look
fantastic,” I said, a little surprised.

“
Paul loved
his present. I can’t thank you enough.”

“
What did I
tell you?” I replied, but felt a sharp pain on my shin from Jack’s
kick. “Kelly, these are my friends,” and I introduced the
boys.

“
I have to
dash and play hostess, but I promise I’ll come over later and we
can talk properly,” and she made her way back into the
crowd.

“
Make sure you
bring some friends over,” Jack shouted out to her. “Come on, Ollie,
help me get the drinks in.”

Rob sided up next to me as
Ollie and Jack made their way to the bar. I was still watching
Kelly move through the crowd. “You kept her quiet, mate,” Rob said.
“She is gorgeous. Have you ever suggested some out of work activity
with her?”

“
Of course I
haven’t, she’s just a friend,” I told him. I had never looked at
Kelly in that way. Besides she has a boyfriend. “She’s not my
type,” I said, and Rob shrugged at me.

But who was I kidding? I was so
sex starved at that moment in time I would have fancied the
creature from the black lagoon if it had turned up in gold
sequins.

“
Kelly is
cool, but it’s never going to happen. It just wouldn’t be
professional,” I offered pathetically as a reason, but I started to
wonder if I was trying to convince Rob or myself. It had now been
seven months since, well, you know what. And now looking at Kelly
dressed up in gold sequins with legs that went on forever, I could
be forgiven for looking longer than I probably should look at a
friend.

“
It wouldn’t
be
professional?
”
Rob laughed at me. “Okay, perhaps
I’m wrong,” Rob said taking his drink from Jack who had returned
with Ollie with the first round of the night. “In which case, you
won’t mind if I try tucking in then?”

“
No way, you
leave her alone. We’re at her boyfriend’s birthday party for crying
out loud.” I knew he was trying to wind me up, but I still took the
bait.

“
Who are we
talking about?” Jack asked. That’s all I needed – Jack chipping in
as well.

“
I reckon Dan
likes golden girl over there a little more than he is letting on,”
Rob explained to the other two.

“
Oh yeah, that
little treacle is absolute. I’d be all over it like a rash if I
were you, mate,” Jack advised me.

“
Me too,”
Ollie put his two pennies in.

“
No, you would
give her the rash,” Jack remarked.

“
Can we stop
talking about her like this,” I said. “There are plenty of other
girls here for you lot to leer and letch over.”

And it was true. The room was
full of gorgeous girls. “This room is making me bad,” Jack said,
his eyes darting all over the place. “Check out that little
splitarse over there.”

The
splitarse
in question
was a petite Chinese girl with long black hair, wearing a white
embroidered blouse, tight dark jeans, and knee-high grey suede
boots. She looked a picture of innocence with her big white angelic
smile. She noticed us all staring at her and flashed a coy grin in
our direction before looking away.

“
Look at her,”
Jack said. “Look at her! Ask me if I would cheat. Go on, ask me if
I would cheat,” he was pulling at my arm.

“
Okay, okay,”
I said shrugging him off me. “Would you cheat?”

“
In a
heartbeat,” Jack said taking a big swig of his drink. “Watch and
learn boys, especially you, Dan. You might pick up a few tips.” And
with that he marched over, bold as brass.

“
I bet he
strikes out,” Ollie said as Jack went over and introduced
himself.

“
I’d like to
say I agree with you, but she hasn’t given him the brush off yet,”
Rob said looking at his watch. “I make that six seconds without her
slapping him. A personal best for Jack by my records.”

“
She even
seems to be enjoying herself,” I motioned towards the fact that she
was smiling.

“
My money is
still on him screwing it up,” Ollie was adamant. We all sipped at
our pints and watched. Within seconds her smile switched to a scowl
and with sharp precision, she swung and landed a stinging slap
across Jack’s left cheek. It was loud enough to make anyone within
a 10-yard radius in a crowded noisy bar turn around. Jack simply
nodded and raised his hands, before strolling nonchalantly back
towards us.

We all gawked at him, waiting
for an explanation, but he simply took a swig of his pint, and even
raised his glass to a stranger as they walked past.

“
Well?” Rob
finally said.

“
Well what?”
Jack replied, as if nothing had happened despite the big red hand
mark on his cheek.

“
What
happened?”

“
Oh that. It
was nothing.”

“
Something
must have happened,” I challenged. “What did you say?”

“
I told you,
nothing,” Jack paused again to take another mouthful of lager. “I
was just telling her that I thought she dressed very
well.”

“
And?” Rob
said.

“
And I
suggested something I thought would look good on her?”

“
And?” we all
said in unison, growing impatient.