The E. Nesbit Megapack: 26 Classic Novels and Stories (181 page)

“Why, what is it, Noël?” Alice asked that. “Just tell us, we’ll all stand by you. What’s he been doing?”

“You won’t let him do anything to me if I tell?”

“Tell tale tit,” said Archibald.

“He got me to go up into the loft and he said it was a secret, and would I promise not to tell, and I won’t tell; only I’ve done it, and now the water’s coming in.”

“You’ve done it? You young ass, I was only kidding you!” said our detestable cousin. And he laughed.

“I don’t understand,” said Oswald. “What did you tell Noël?”

“He can’t tell you because he promised—and I won’t—unless you vow by the honour of the house you talk so much about that you’ll never tell I had anything to do with it.”

That will show you what he was. We had never mentioned the honour of the house except once quite at the beginning, before we knew how discapable he was of understanding anything, and how far we were from wanting to call him Archie.

We had to promise, for Noël was getting greener and more gurgly every minute, and at any moment Father or uncle might burst in foaming for an explanation, and none of us would have one except Noël, and him in this state of all-anyhow.

So Dicky said—

“We promise, you beast, you!” And we all said the same.

Then Archibald said, drawling his words and feeling for the moustache that wasn’t there, and I hope he’ll be quite old before he gets one—

“It’s just what comes of trying to amuse silly little kids. I told the foolish little animal about people having arteries cut, and your having to cut the whole thing to stop the bleeding. And he said, ‘Was that what the plumber would do to the leaky pipe?’ And how pleased your governor would be to find it mended. And then he went and did it.”

“You told me to,” said Noël, turning greener and greener.

“Go along with Alice,” said Oswald. “We’ll stand by you. And Noël, old chap, you must keep your word and not sneak about that sneaking hound.”

Alice took him away, and we were left with the horrid Archibald.

“Now,” said Oswald, “I won’t break my word, no more will the rest of us. But we won’t speak another word to you as long as we live.”

“Oh, Oswald,” said Dora, “what about the sun going down?”

“Let it jolly well go,” said Dicky in furiousness. “Oswald didn’t say we’d go on being angry for ever, but I’m with Oswald all the way. I won’t talk to cads—no, not even before grown-ups. They can jolly well think what they like.”

After this no one spoke to Archibald.

Oswald rushed for a plumber, and such was his fiery eloquence he really caught one and brought him home. Then he and Dicky waited for Father when he came in, and they got him into the study, and Oswald said what they had all agreed on. It was this:

“Father, we are all most awfully sorry, but one of us has cut the pipe in the loft, and if you make us tell you any more it will not be honourable, and we are very sorry. Please, please don’t ask who it was did it.”

Father bit his moustache and looked worried, and Dicky went on—

“Oswald has got a plumber and he is doing it now.”

Then Father said, “How on earth did you get into the loft?”

And then of course the treasured secret of the rope-ladder had to be revealed. We had never been told not to make rope-ladders and go into the loft, but we did not try to soften the anger of our Father by saying this. It would not have been any good either. We just had to stick it. And the punishment of our crime was most awful. It was that we weren’t to go to Mrs. Leslie’s party. And Archibald was to go, because when Father asked him if he was in it with the rest of us, he said “No.” I cannot think of any really gentle, manly, and proper words to say what I think about my unnatural cousin.

We kept our word about not speaking to him, and I think Father thought we were jealous because he was going to that conjuring, magic lantern party and we were not. Noël was the most unhappy, because he knew we were all being punished for what he had done. He was very affectionate and tried to write pieces of poetry to us all, but he was so unhappy he couldn’t even write, and he went into the kitchen and sat on Jane’s knee and said his head ached.

Next day it was the day of the party and we were plunged in gloom. Archibald got out his Etons and put his clean shirt ready, and a pair of flashy silk socks with red spots, and then he went into the bath-room.

Noël and Jane were whispering on the stairs. Jane came up and Noël went down, Jane knocked at the bath-room door and said —

“Here’s the soap, Master Archerbald. I didn’t put none in to-day.”

He opened the door and put out his hand.

“Half a moment,” said Jane, “I’ve got something else in my hand.”

As she spoke the gas all over the house went down blue, and then went out. We held our breaths heavily.

“Here it is,” she said; “I’ll put it in your hand. I’ll go down and turn off the burners and see about the gas. You’ll be late, sir. If I was you I should get on a bit with the washing of myself in the dark. I daresay the gas’ll be five or ten minutes, and it’s five o’clock now.”

It wasn’t, and of course she ought not to have said it, but it was useful all the same.

Noël came stumping up the stairs in the dark. He fumbled about and then whispered, “I’ve turned the little white china knob that locks the bath-room door on the outside.”

The water was bubbling and hissing in the pipes inside, and the darkness went on. Father and uncle had not come in yet, which was a fortunate blessing.

“Do be quiet!” said Noël. “Just you wait.”

We all sat on the stairs and waited. Noël said—

“Don’t ask me yet—you’ll see—you wait.”

And we waited, and the gas did not come back.

At last Archibald tried to come out—he thought he had washed himself clean, I suppose—and of course the door was fastened. He kicked and he hammered and he shouted, and we were glad.

At last Noël banged on the door and screamed through the keyhole—

“If we let you out will you let us off our promise not to tell about you and the pipes? We won’t tell till you’ve gone back to school.”

He wouldn’t for a long time, but at last he had to.

“I shan’t ever come to your beastly house again,” he bellowed through the keyhole, “so I don’t mind.”

“Turn off the gas-burners then,” said Oswald, ever thoughtful, though he was still in ignorance of the beautiful truth.

Then Noël sang out over the stairs, “Light up!” and Jane went round with a taper, and when the landing gas was lighted Noël turned the knob of the bath-room, and Archibald exited in his Indian red and yellow dressing-gown that he thought so much of. Of course we expected his face to be red with rage, or white with passion, or purple with mixed emotions, but you cannot think what our feelings were—indeed, we hardly knew what they were ourselves—when we saw that he was not red or white or purple, but black. He looked like an uneven sort of bluish nigger. His face and hands were all black and blue in streaks, and so were the bits of his feet that showed between his Indian dressing-gown and his Turkish slippers.

The word “Krikey” fell from more than one lip.

“What are you staring at?” he asked.

We did not answer even then, though I think it was less from keep-your-wordishness than amazement. But Jane did.

“Nyang, Nyang!” she uttered tauntingly. “You thought it was soap I was giving you, and all the time it was Maple’s dark bright navy-blue indelible dye—won’t wash out.” She flashed a looking-glass in his face, and he looked and saw the depth of his dark bright navy-blueness.

Now, you may think that we shouted with laughing to see him done brown and dyed blue like this, but we did not. There was a spellbound silence. Oswald, I know, felt a quite uncomfortable feeling inside him.

When Archibald had had one good look at himself he did not want any more. He ran to his room and bolted himself in.

“He won’t go to no parties,” said Jane, and she flounced downstairs.

We never knew how much Noël had told her. He is very young, and not so strong as we are, and we thought it better not to ask.

Oswald and Dicky and H.O.—particularly H.O.—told each other it served him right, but after a bit Dora asked Noël if he would mind her trying to get some of it off our unloved cousin, and he said “No.”

* * * *

But nothing would get it off him; and when Father came home there was an awful row. And he said we had disgraced ourselves and forgotten the duties of hospitality. We got it pretty straight, I can tell you. And we bore it all. I do not say we were martyrs to the honour of our house and to our plighted word, but I do say that we got it very straight indeed, and we did not tell the provocativeness we had had from our guest that drove the poet Noël to this wild and desperate revenge.

But some one told, and I have always thought it was Jane, and that is why we did not ask too many questions about what Noël had told her, because late that night Father came and said he now understood that we had meant to do right, except perhaps the one who cut the pipe with a chisel, and that must have been more silliness than naughtiness; and perhaps the being dyed blue served our cousin rather right. And he gave Archibald a few remarks in private, and when the dye began to come off—it was not a fast dye, though it said so on the paper it was wrapped in—Archibald, now a light streaky blue, really did seem to be making an effort to be something like decent. And when, now merely a pale grey, he had returned to school, he sent us a letter. It said:—

“My dear Cousins,—

“I think that I was beastlier than I meant to be, but I am not accustomed to young kids. And I think uncle was right, and the way you stand up for the honour of our house is not all nonsense, like I said it was. If we ever meet in the future life I hope you will not keep a down on me about things. I don’t think you can expect me to say more. From your affectionate cousin,

“Archibald Bastable.”

So I suppose rays of remorse penetrated that cold heart, and now perhaps he will be a reformed Bastable. I am sure I hope so, but I believe it is difficult, if not impossible, for a leopard to change his skin.

Still, I remember how indelibly black he looked when he came out of the fatal bath-room; and it nearly all wore off. And perhaps spots on the honourable inside parts of your soul come off with time. I hope so. The dye never came off the inside of the bath though. I think that was what annoyed our good great-uncle the most.

OVER THE WATER TO CHINA

Oswald is a very modest boy, I believe, but even he would not deny that he has an active brain. The author has heard both his Father and Albert’s uncle say so. And the most far-reaching ideas often come to him quite naturally—just as silly notions that aren’t any good might come to you. And he had an idea which he meant to hold a council; about with his brothers and sisters; but just as he was going to unroll his idea to them our Father occurred suddenly in our midst and said a strange cousin was coming, and he came, and he was strange indeed! And when Fate had woven the threads of his dark destiny and he had been dyed a dark bright navy-blue, and had gone from our midst, Oswald went back to the idea that he had not forgotten. The words “tenacious of purpose” mean sticking to things, and these words always make me think of the character of the young hero of these pages. At least I suppose his brothers Dicky and Noël and H.O. are heroes too, in a way, but somehow the author of these lines knows more about Oswald’s inside realness than he does about the others. But I am getting too deep for words.

So Oswald went into the common-room. Every one was busy. Noël and H.O. were playing Halma. Dora was covering boxes with silver paper to put sweets in for a school treat, and Dicky was making a cardboard model of a new screw he has invented for ocean steamers. But Oswald did not mind interrupting, because Dora ought not to work too hard, and Halma always ends in a row, and I would rather not say what I think of Dicky’s screw. So Oswald said—

“I want a council. Where’s Alice?”

Every one said they didn’t know, and they made haste to say that we couldn’t have a council without her. But Oswald’s determined nature made him tell H.O. to chuck that rotten game and go and look for her. H.O. is our youngest brother, and it is right that he should remember this and do as he was told. But he happened to be winning the beastly Halma game, and Oswald saw that there was going to be trouble—“big trouble,” as Mr. Kipling says. And he was just bracing his young nerves for the conflict with H.O., because he was not going to stand any nonsense from his young brother about his not fetching Alice when he was jolly well told to, when the missing maiden bounced into the room bearing upon her brow the marks of ravaging agitatedness.

“Have any of you seen Pincher?” she cried, in haste.

We all said, “No, not since last night.”

“Well, then, he’s lost,” Alice said, making the ugly face that means you are going to blub in half a minute.

Every one had sprung to their feet. Even Noël and H.O. saw at once what a doddering game Halma is, and Dora and Dicky, whatever their faults, care more for Pincher than for boxes and screws. Because Pincher is our fox-terrier. He is of noble race, and he was ours when we were poor, lonely treasure-seekers and lived in humble hard-upness in the Lewisham Road.

To the faithful heart of young Oswald the Blackheath affluent mansion and all it contains, even the stuffed fox eating a duck in the glass case in the hall that he is so fond of, and even the council he wanted to have, seemed to matter much less than old Pincher.

“I want you all to let’s go out and look for him,” said Alice, carrying out the meaning of the faces she had made and beginning to howl. “Oh, Pincher, suppose something happens to him; you might get my hat and coat, Dora. Oh, oh, oh!”

We all got our coats and hats, and by the time we were ready Alice had conquered it to only sniffing, or else, as Oswald told her kindly, she wouldn’t have been allowed to come.

“Let’s go on the Heath,” Noël said. “The dear departed dog used to like digging there.”

So we went. And we said to every single person we met—

“Please have you seen a thorough-bred fox-terrier dog with a black patch over one eye, and another over his tail, and a tan patch on his right shoulder?” And every one said, “No, they hadn’t,” only some had more polite ways of saying it than others. But after a bit we met a policeman, and he said, “I see one when I was on duty last night, like what you describe, but it was at the end of a string. There was a young lad at the other end. The dog didn’t seem to go exactly willing.”

He also told us the lad and the dog had gone over Greenwich way. So we went down, not quite so wretched in our insides, because now it seemed that there was some chance, though we wondered the policeman could have let Pincher go when he saw he didn’t want to, but he said it wasn’t his business. And now we asked every one if they’d seen a lad and a thoroughbred fox-terrier with a black patch, and cetera.

And one or two people said they had, and we thought it must be the same the policeman had seen, because they said, too, that the dog didn’t seem to care about going where he was going.

So we went on and through the Park and past the Naval College, and we didn’t even stop to look at that life-sized firm ship in the playground that the Naval Collegians have to learn about ropes and spars on, and Oswald would willingly give a year of his young life to have that ship for his very own.

And we didn’t go into the Painted Hall either, because our fond hearts were with Pincher, and we could not really have enjoyed looking at Nelson’s remains, of the shipwrecks where the drowning people all look so dry, or even the pictures where young heroes are boarding pirates from Spain, just as Oswald would do if he had half a chance, with the pirates fighting in attitudes more twisted and Spanish than the pirates of any nation could manage even if they were not above it. It is an odd thing, but all those pictures are awfully bad weather—even the ones that are not shipwrecks. And yet in books the skies are usually a stainless blue and the sea is a liquid gem when you are engaged in the avocation of pirate-boarding.

The author is sorry to see that he is not going on with the story.

We walked through Greenwich Hospital and asked there if they have seen Pincher, because I heard Father say once that dogs are sometimes stolen and taken to hospitals and never seen again. It is wrong to steal, but I suppose the hospital doctors forget this because they are so sorry for the poor ill people, and like to give them dogs to play with them and amuse them on their beds of anguish. But no one had seen our Pincher, who seemed to be becoming more dear to our hearts every moment.

When we got through the Hospital grounds—they are big and the buildings are big, and I like it all because there’s so much room everywhere and nothing niggling—we got down to the terrace over the river, next to the Trafalgar Hotel. And there was a sailor leaning on the railings, and we asked him the usual question. It seems that he was asleep, but of course we did not know, or we would not have disturbed him. He was very angry, and he swore, and Oswald told the girls to come away; but Alice pulled away from Oswald and said,

“Oh, don’t be so cross. Do tell us if you’ve seen our dog? He is——” and she recited Pincher’s qualifications.

“Ho yes,” said the sailor—he had a red and angry face. “I see ’im a hour ago ‘long of a Chinaman. ‘E crossed the river in a open boat. You’d best look slippy arter ’im.” He grinned and spat; he was a detestable character, I think. “Chinamen puts puppy-dogs in pies. If ’e catches you three young chaps ’e’ll ’ave a pie as’ll need a big crust to cover it. Get along with your cheek!”

So we got along. Of course, we knew that the Chinese are not cannibals, so we were not frightened by that rot; but we knew, too, that the Chinese do really eat dogs, as well as rats and birds’ nests and other disgraceful forms of eating.

H.O. was very tired, and he said his boots hurt him; and Noël was beginning to look like a young throstle—all eyes and beak. He always does when he is tired. The others were tired too, but their proud spirits would never have owned it. So we went round to the Trafalgar Hotel’s boathouse, and there was a man in slippers, and we said could we have a boat, and he said he would send a boatman, and would we walk in?

We did, and we went through a dark room piled up to the ceiling with boats and out on to a sort of thing half like a balcony and half like a pier. And there were boats there too, far more than you would think any one could want; and then a boy came. We said we wanted to go across the river, and he said, “Where to?”

“To where the Chinamen live,” said Alice.

“You can go to Millwall if you want to,” he said, beginning to put oars into the boat.

“Are there any Chinese people there?” Alice asked.

And the boy replied, “I dunno.” He added that he supposed we could pay for the boat.

By a fortunate accident—I think Father had rather wanted to make up to us for our martyr-like enduring when our cousin was with us—we were fairly flush of chink. Oswald and Dicky were proudly able to produce handfuls of money; it was mostly copper, but it did not fail of its effect.

The boy seemed not to dislike us quite so much as before, and he helped the girls into the boat, which was now in the water at the edge of a sort of floating, unsteady raft, with openings in it that you could see the water through. The water was very rough, just like real sea, and not like a river at all. And the boy rowed; he wouldn’t let us, although I can, quite well. The boat tumbled and tossed just like a sea-boat. When we were about half-way over, Noël pulled Alice’s sleeve and said—

“Do I look very green?”

“You do rather, dear,” she said kindly.

“I feel much greener than I look,” said Noël. And later on he was not at all well.

The boy laughed, but we pretended not to notice. I wish I could tell you half the things we saw as our boat was pulled along through the swishing, lumpy water that turned into great waves after every steamer that went by. Oswald was quite fit, but some of the others were very silent. Dicky says he saw everything that Oswald saw, but I am not sure. There were wharves and engines, and great rusty cranes swinging giant’s handfuls of iron rails about in the air, and once we passed a ship that was being broken up. All the wood was gone, and they were taking away her plates, and the red rust was running from her and colouring the water all round; it looked as though she was bleeding to death. I suppose it was silly to feel sorry for her, but I did. I thought how beastly it was that she would never go to sea again, where the waves are clean and green, even if no rougher than the black waves now raging around our staunch little bark. I never knew before what lots of kinds of ships there can be, and I think I could have gone on and on for ever and ever looking at the shapes of things and the colours they were, and dreaming about being a pirate, and things like that, but we had come some way; and now Alice said—

“Oswald, I think Noël will die if we don’t make land soon.”

And indeed he had been rather bad for some time, only I thought it was kinder to take no notice.

So our ship was steered among other pirate craft, and moored at a landing-place where there were steps up.

Noël was now so ill that we felt we could not take him on a Chinese hunt, and H.O. had sneaked his boots off in the boat, and he said they hurt him too much to put them on again; so it was arranged that those two should sit on a dry corner of the steps and wait, and Dora said she would stay with them.

“I think we ought to go home,” she said. “I’m quite sure Father wouldn’t like us being in these wild, savage places. The police ought to find Pincher.”

But the others weren’t going to surrender like that, especially as Dora had actually had the sense to bring a bag of biscuits, which all, except Noël, were now eating.

“Perhaps they ought, but they won’t,” said Dicky. “I’m boiling hot. I’ll leave you my overcoat in case you’re cold.”

Oswald had been just about to make the same manly proposal, though he was not extra warm. So they left their coats, and, with Alice, who would come though told not to, they climbed the steps, and went along a narrow passage and started boldly on the Chinese hunt. It was a strange sort of place over the river; all the streets were narrow, and the houses and the pavements and the people’s clothes and the mud in the road all seemed the same sort of dull colour—a sort of brown-grey it was.

All the house doors were open, and you could see that the insides of the houses were the same colour as the outsides. Some of the women had blue, or violet or red shawls, and they sat on the doorsteps and combed their children’s hair, and shouted things to each other across the street. They seemed very much struck by the appearance of the three travellers, and some of the things they said were not pretty.

That was the day when Oswald found out a thing that has often been of use to him in after-life. However rudely poor people stare at you they become all right instantly if you ask them something. I think they don’t hate you so much when they’ve done something for you, if it’s only to tell you the time or the way.

So we got on very well, but it does not make me comfortable to see people so poor and we have such a jolly house. People in books feel this, and I know it is right to feel it, but I hate the feeling all the same. And it is worse when the people are nice to you.

And we asked and asked and asked, but nobody had seen a dog or a Chinaman, and I began to think all was indeed lost, and you can’t go on biscuits all day, when we went round a corner rather fast, and came slap into the largest woman I have ever seen. She must have been yards and yards round, and before she had time to be in the rage that we saw she was getting into, Alice said—

“Oh, I beg your pardon! I am so sorry, but we really didn’t mean to! I do so hope we didn’t hurt you!”

We saw the growing rage fade away, and she said, as soon as she got her fat breath—

“No ’arm done, my little dear. An’ w’ere are you off to in such a ’urry?”

So we told her all about it. She was quite friendly, although so stout, and she said we oughtn’t to be gallivanting about all on our own. We told her we were all right, though I own Oswald was glad that in the hurry of departing Alice hadn’t had time to find anything smarter-looking to wear than her garden coat and grey Tam, which had been regretted by some earlier in the day.

“Well,” said the woman, “if you go along this ’ere turning as far as ever you can go, and then take the first to the right and bear round to the left, and take the second to the right again, and go down the alley between the stumps, you’ll come to Rose Gardens. There’s often Chinamen about there. And if you come along this way as you come back, keep your eye open for me, and I’ll arks some young chaps as I know as is interested like in dogs, and perhaps I’ll have news for you.”

“Thank you very much,” Alice said, and the woman asked her to give her a kiss. Everybody is always wanting to kiss Alice. I can’t think why. And we got her to tell us the way again, and we noticed the name of the street, and it was Nightingale Street, and the stairs where we had left the others was Bullamy’s Causeway, because we have the true explorer’s instincts, and when you can’t blaze your way on trees with your axe, or lay crossed twigs like the gypsies do, it is best to remember the names of streets.

So we said goodbye, and went on through the grey-brown streets with hardly any shops, and those only very small and common, and we got to the alley all right. It was a narrow place between high blank brown-grey walls. I think by the smell it was gasworks and tanneries. There was hardly any one there, but when we got into it we heard feet running ahead of us, and Oswald said—

“Hullo, suppose that’s some one with Pincher, and they’ve recognized his long-lost masters and they’re making a bolt for it?”

And we all started running as hard as ever we could. There was a turn in the passage, and when we got round it we saw that the running was stopping. There were four or five boys in a little crowd round some one in blue—blue looked such a change after the muddy colour of everything in that dead Eastern domain—and when we got up, the person the blue was on was a very wrinkled old man, with a yellow wrinkled face and a soft felt hat and blue blouse-like coat, and I see that I ought not to conceal any longer from the discerning reader that it was exactly what we had been looking for. It was indeed a Celestial Chinaman in deep difficulties with these boys who were, as Alice said afterwards, truly fiends in mortal shape. They were laughing at the old Chinaman, and shouting to each other, and their language was of that kind that I was sorry we had got Alice with us. But she told Oswald afterwards that she was so angry she did not know what they were saying.