The Embers Of My Heart (34 page)

I felt accused. Even after the memory modification, even after what had happened in the bathroom at the hospital, I felt like Max and Andreas were blaming me. Voices lowered if I walked in. Eyes cast aside. I wanted to scream at them. I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't have done anything. I knew it, they knew it, but I was the superhero in their minds, and I had failed.

I believed it as well.

The trip to her hometown took hours. We took Andreas's van. The ride was quiet. Andreas and Drew sat in the front. Jess, Max, and Kaitlyn sat shoulder to shoulder in the back. I stared out the window. Quiet sparks of conversation sprang up in front and behind me, but none of them lasted. Halfway through the trip, I wanted to scream. I wanted my friends back. I wanted her back.

Her parents met us at the funeral home. Her mother was tiny, with bags under her eyes, a trembling voice, and she looked old, so very old. Her father was taller and his grip was firm, but his eyes showed a shattered soul. He had outlived his only child. Both of them thanked me profusely for coming. "She spoke of you often," her mother had said. "She thought very highly of you."

"I thought very highly of her as well."

Drew had been the last to greet her parents. He towered over her mother by what looked like two feet. When she approached him to hug him, he dropped down to one knee. Her mother began sobbing as she clutched him. Her father stood there with one hand on her shoulder, trying his best to maintain the facade of strength in front of all of us, but when a tear rolled down his cheek, I had to look away.

The wake itself was long. She had been a social butterfly her whole life. Scores of her friends from high school came by. A surprisingly large number of people made the trip from Ripley. I drifted into the background with Andreas. Her family had asked Drew to stand with them. Jess and Kaitlyn stood close, as two of her closest friends, and Jess wouldn't let Max leave her side. Andreas and I simply stood vigil.

After the wake ended, Drew beckoned us over to join her family. Her father cleared his throat. "We would appreciate it if you would be pallbearers tomorrow. My brother and his son will join the four of you. Would you do this for us?"

I rode in the back of a hearse for the first time the next morning. The coffin was closed and sealed and took up the vast majority of the space, leaving the six of us on tiny little benches. We communicated without words as best we could, bearing her weight to her grave. We set it down and stepped back. Her mother laid a single rose down in front of her headstone.

The minister didn't speak long. I didn't listen. I just wiped my own eyes. I couldn't save her. I couldn't bring her back. All around me, they mourned her passing, but I also mourned my own failure. My weakness. She hadn't deserved this. She deserved life. Happiness. Love.

Drew stood at the edge of her grave. I watched him stand, staring down at the coffin, even as others dispersed. His lips moved, but those words were for her and her alone. I wanted to reach out to him, but I had nothing I could possibly say. Her mother turned to him and saw him standing alone. She reached up to his shoulder, pulled him down, and for the first time since it had happened, I saw him crack. I saw him cry. I saw him sink to his knees, cling to her, and weep.

It was finally over.

Chapter Twenty Three

Our door opened and I looked over my shoulder to see who it was. Drew slipped into the room and slowly pushed the door closed behind him. We looked at each other in silence for a moment. His eyes were dark, almost bruised, and his skin stretched thin over every muscle and bone. I didn't know if he ate anymore. "Hey, man. Where you been?" I asked.

"Hey, Kev." He pushed himself off the door and walked toward his desk. "I had a group meeting with my advisor, the dean, and someone from the registrar's office."

"Oh," I said. I didn't know what I could say to that. "Problem with your courses?"

He shook his head. He had shaved it clean after the funeral. Only a hint of stubble showed now. "Not a problem. Just needed to discuss my options and future plans."

"What did you decide?"

"I dropped all but one of my classes for the trimester."

"What? You're not going to graduate on time!"

"You think I care about that right now?"

I took a moment to compose myself before responding. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know." He sighed and spun his chair away from me. "I've been giving it a lot of thought, even before. Did you know my grades were slipping? Engineering's no joke, man. I can't imagine what those nerds up the hill go through. I'm going to bail out of the program. My advisor's talking to the dean to see what I can get into without setting myself too far back. I might be a freshman all over again next year."

"I didn't know you were having problems with your classes," I said. "Any thoughts on what you want to do?"

"Not a clue," he said. "Not a damned clue. That's why I dropped everything but a basic psychology elective. Gives me more time to think about it. I do know one thing I want to do, though."

"What's that?"

"I'm going to get EMT certified." He pulled his desk drawer open. I knew he kept a picture of himself and Lisa in there. Max had told me about it. He had also told me how often Drew looked in there and how much it freaked him out. "I don't know if it's something I'd do for real, but I think it's something I should do."

"I think she'd appreciate that."

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"Being like this."

I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "Drew, you don't need to apologize. I'm your friend and I'm here for you." The words were sappy, but he knew what I meant, and I did mean it.

"At least you are."

"What?"

He looked back over his shoulder at me. "You're the only one talking to me these days, man. Think you're the only one who can stand being around me at all. Max just vanishes whenever I see him, poof, cloud of smoke. Jess and Kait start crying whenever they see me. Can't have a conversation with someone who's sobbing, right? Andreas is around, but he's starting so many new projects he doesn't have any time."

"They're all trying to cope in their own way," I said.

"Sure. Everyone's coping. Max and Jess can turn to each other. Kait might turn to Andreas or maybe get a train run on her at every frat party until she can't remember her own name. They might as well all move in together. Where's that leave me? Here with you."

"You're welcome."

He didn't seem to recognize my sarcasm. "They're all going off together. Clinging to each other for comfort. Who gives a rat's ass about the guy standing alone, right?"

"Hey. Drew, chill." I didn't like where this was going. He'd dipped into self-loathing lately. I wanted to head this one off before it could get worse. "No one's forgetting about you. It's just hard to deal with you right now."

"Deal with me?"

"Sorry. Bad choice of words. It's hard because you bring back memories. It hurts and they don't know how to deal with that other than staying away from you until it heals."

"It's not going to heal, Kev." His eyes weren't focused on me. I didn't know what exactly he was looking at. "It's not the sort of thing that heals and goes away. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were."

"Not with that attitude, they won't."

I finally got a ghost of a smile from him. "You're welcome to try."

"I'll talk to them," I said. I didn't have the faintest clue of where to start, but I could try something. Lisa would want that. "I'll pull us back together one way or another. Got it?"

"What if they don't want to?"

"Then I'll kick some ass."

"You?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I've been known to hand out some ass kicking in the past, you know."

"You're still kind of scrawny."

"Mind over matter." His face fell and I bit my tongue. "Is there anything you'd like to do? I mean, starting with the guys, at least?"

He shrugged. "Something active, I guess. The less talking the better."

"Got it. You free the rest of today?"

"Let me check my schedule." He turned to his computer, opened up a blank document, and pointed at it. "Looks clear to me."

"I'll be back, then." I gave him a wave and left the room.

My first stop was Andreas's room. No answer, no surprise. My next stop was Kaitlyn's room. Since Nikki had moved out, Jess had moved in. I didn't know whether the college had allowed it explicitly, or whether they just let it happen. It made sense to me. Knocking took a bit more willpower than I thought. I knew Nikki wasn't in there anymore, but the feeling that she'd jump out of nowhere was strong.

Kaitlyn answered. Her smile faded as she saw me. "Oh. Hey."

"Hey, Kait. Jess in?"

"She's out with the boyfriend."

"Any idea where they are?"

She crossed her arms. "Why would I know, and if I did, why would I tell you? Maybe they want privacy."

"Just asking," I said. "Do you have any idea when Andreas will be back?"

"Wow. Am I your personal information service now? I don't remember getting hired as a secretary."

"Hey, hold on," I said. "What's the deal with the sudden hostility?"

"I don't know," she said. "What do you think?"

"I don't know what to think, but I'm trying to help people out here. I'm just looking for them and thought you might know. If you don't know, that's fine. I'm not going to bother you if you don't want to be bothered."

"Fine." She started to close the door. "I don't want you to bother me."

I let the door close, though I was tempted to stick my foot in it and confront her. I didn't know if her grudge against me was for turning her down, or something else. Nothing else came to mind. Her growing hostility bothered me, but I didn't have the time to deal with her. I took a walk out back to the garden that was starting to see leaves hitting the ground. When I was sure I was alone, I reached out with my mind and traced Max. He and Jess weren't far away and they didn't seem to be doing anything private.

They were watching the sunset together on a hillside. Max lay on his back, hands clasped behind his head. Jess lay next to him, fitting right against him. Neither of them noticed my approach until I sat down next to them. "Whoa. Hey, Kev," she said.

Max looked over at me and frowned slightly. "Hey. What's up?"

"Nice sunset," I said.

They exchanged looks, then both of them sat up. "Something up?" Max asked.

"Why'd you come find us?" Jess was more direct.

"Drew," I said. They exchanged another look, but stayed quiet. I pushed back a sudden burst of temper. "He's hurting and you're avoiding him. Why?"

Jess looked down the hill while Max sighed. "He's noticed?"

"Of course he noticed. I've noticed too. I've been a little distant too, but you're acting as if he'll blow up at any moment. He needs help, he needs support, he needs his friends, he doesn't need to be pushed away and ignored!" I pushed my hand against the ground and tried to calm down. "We can't treat him like this."

"But he might blow up at any time," Max said.

"What?"

"You remember what he did to you at the hospital, right?"

I nodded. "He was under stress and pressure and more. I don't hold it against him. I'm the one he hit. If I'm not holding it against him, neither should you."

"I knew it," Jess muttered.

"He's still under stress, Kev."

"It's not stress anymore, Max. It's depression."

"Either way, he's not stable. He's different." Max's tone grew harsh. "He's not the same guy anymore. He hit you out of raw anger. I don't want to hang around with people who do shit like that, ok? I didn't know he had that sort of dark side."

"No." My fingers dug into the ground. "He had a breakdown! You can't tell me that you'd be completely rational if Jess was in the same situation!"

"You know, I am sitting right here," she snapped. "And I agree. I don't think Max would be completely rational either. As much as I hate to admit it, he's usually level headed, but that sort of shit makes people act out of character."

"But I wouldn't act that way," he said. "I wouldn't hit you, Kev. Not out of anger. I can't believe I would do that, and I can't trust that he wouldn't do the same to someone else."

"What if you blamed me?" I said. "What if you thought I could do something to save her, and I didn't do it. What would you do then?"

"He knew you couldn't do anything."

"He knew, but he didn't know!"

"What the fuck are you two going on about?" Jess asked. We both shut up and I looked away. "Kev, there's nothing you could have done. Why the hell would Drew think otherwise?"

"He had his reasons," I said.

"That's stupid."

"He had his reasons," Max said. I glared at him, but he wasn't looking at me. "Just leave it, Jess."

"Oh, so you two are keeping something from me. That's adorable." Her tone sharpened. "Spill. Now."

"We're all keeping secrets these days," I said.

"You always keep secrets. Ugliest thing about you."

"Tell her," Max said.

"No," I said.

"Tell me," Jess insisted.

"Ask your twin the next time you talk to her."

There was a moment of dead silence. Max's head spun around to look at us. "Wait. Your twin's dead. That's what you told me?"

"We all keep secrets," I said as I stood up. Jess stared up at me and I knew that she wouldn't forgive me for this for a while. "I'll let you two chat about that one for a while. But, you know what, Max? You're right."

"Of course I'm right. What am I right about?"

"Telling her. I'm done with that secret. Once we can get the whole group back together, I'll tell everyone." I turned back to them. "All of us. Got it?"

"Whatever you say," Jess snapped.

I walked back to the garden and recovered my burner phone. She'd be mad. I hadn't called her in weeks. I dialed the number and waited for her to pick up and shout at me. "Kevin?" Star sounded worried.

"Hey."

"I'm so glad to hear from you, I was worried!" A bit of tension faded from my shoulders and back. "I don't like not having a way to contact you in case of emergency. Can we do something about that? Just in case?"