The Encyclopedia of Me (32 page)

107
Always look for a bathroom when you don't know what else to do. That is a useful tip. If I wasn't already almost through the alphabet in this encyclopedia, I would seriously consider making this an advice book, because it is full of good tips like this one. If by “full of good tips,” I mean “has one or two bits of advice that might be useful if you are ever in exactly the same situations that I have been in.”

108
Malg is
glam
backward, in case you have forgotten and/or are too lazy to refer back to the Ms. And it is only just now when I write it down that I realize that even the WORD “malg” is malg. I am never going to use it again. I am putting it in the casket of Freddie Blue Anderson memories that I am going to bury in the dirt and never think of or speak of again.

109
In addition to feeling entirely left out and miserable and actually sort of heartbroken for the sad mess that my life has so quickly become.

110
Sometimes, to get what you want, you have to just ask for it. That is helpful tip #201! Or so. I haven't been counting, but if you have, feel free to send me a letter with the correct number and you will win a prize. The prize will be this book. But you already have this book, so all in all, it might just be a waste of a stamp.

111
I do not know anyone who would fit this description either, but maybe there is someone out there who is completely perfect and never does the wrong thing. If there is, this person is probably really annoying to be around. Think about it.

112
Another Freddie Blue–ism that makes no sense whatsoever and suggests she isn't as smart as she thinks she is. I never really noticed before how so much of what she said was just plain dumb. I think it was a case of being too close, sort of how if you are looking at someone all the time, you start to not notice what they look like, and it's only when you go away and then come back that you really can see them properly.

113
Which I only just recently found out. Don't tell anyone this, but before Mom told me that a faint and a swoon were the same thing, I imagined a swoon to involve a sort of swooping to the ground, like a flying squirrel on a strong draft of air. I know it doesn't make sense, but not everything has to make sense in order for you to believe it is true. I think I've proven that by now, if nothing else.

114
A “conk” is a kind of fungi that grows on trees and sticks out like steps, or in some cases, like gross, protruding tree brains. Conk is also a hairstyle favored by some black men who reject their Afros, especially in the 1950s, when it was cool to do so. Now it is not cool, as the Afro is symbolic of your general Africanness, which is a conclusion I've recently come to.

I've actually decided to start loving my hair. I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? That's part of what separates my encyclopedia from regular old boring ones — sometimes it's going to shock you to your CORE.

115
I say “blah blah blah” to save you from the boring details, which translate in English to, “I'm so popular! Everyone likes me! I am ____!”

116
I don't know if I mentioned this before, but one of the things that Charlotte Ellery says all the time is that we have to stop trying to teach Seb to be more like us, and just get that he is how he is and can't be “taught” to be us. We are ourselves, and he is himself, and he will do stuff his way, no matter how many times we tell him not to. At least, I think that's the gist of it.

117
I missed an entire week of school, in case you are keeping track of these things.

118
It's 12, FYI.

119
Actually, she is the only other Virgo I know, but it doesn't sound as good to say it that way.

120
When I was about ten, Dad went through a phase where he called all of us “champ” all the time, which honestly didn't bother me a bit. We still all call each other “champ” sometimes, as a non-funny family joke.

121
If any good came from the Tragedy at all, it was that my grounding seemed to be completely forgotten. So that was handy.

122
I had completely forgotten about Jedgar Johnston. I guess I sort of forgot that Ruth had a life that wasn't just skateboarding with me once in a while at Drop Mac or talking on the phone a few times. But Jedgar, in case you've forgotten, and I can't blame you if you did, is Ruth's BFF. He's cute-ish, but has a strange limp and sometimes is pretty weird. For a while, FB had him on her Crush List. I don't know if she still does. I haven't seen her list for ages. If you want to know, you should probably ask “Stell.”

123
I had thought it was going to be funny but then I realized that it was kind of an inside joke and I was the only one on the inside now. FB loved the shirt. She wouldn't get it at all. And Ruth wasn't coming, not that she would get it either. And there really wasn't anyone else, so as it happened, I was just going to my own party in the World's Ugliest Shirt. Dumb. Please feel free to learn from my humiliating mistakes so you don't repeat them all in your own life, not that this one is repeatable unless you also own a puffy yellow pirate shirt. If you do, do yourself a favor and go throw it in the garbage right now. NEVER WEAR IT AGAIN!

124
This is something you see other people doing or you see on TV and it looks romantic and sweet and you think,
Awwwww, how adorable
. But in real life, when it happens to you, you realize that it kinks your neck horribly and causes cramps in your twisted shoulder. Not that it's bad! Just not as sweet as it looks.

125
Molestar
is my favorite Spanish verb. But my newest favorite Spanish noun is
monopatín
. Guess what it means? If you guess correctly, you will get ten bonus points and a shot at the big prize! If, in fact, there were points or prizes involved in reading this book, which there are not. In which case, I don't mind telling you the answer, which is “skateboard.” Go ahead, use it and impress your friends!

126
Which proves what I was saying about how all fun occurs on weekends, regardless of the fact that a lot of the party was not fun. Possibly most of your life's most humiliating moments will also happen on weekends, making weekends a tossed salad of ups and downs that will likely exhaust you for the entire week, so my advice would be to choose a restful profession where naps are permitted. You know, if you're looking at the big picture.

127
I don't know how I feel about holding hands. Mostly my hand felt very self-conscious, but I couldn't find a way to let go and I didn't WANT to let go. But also I did. Holding hands was almost like a kiss that went on just long enough to get uncomfortable. Which I was. A little bit. Even though I really didn't want to be.

128
For my whole life, or at least for the last few weeks, I've been worrying a lot that I don't know how to kiss and what if I get kissed and don't know what to do? How do you know what to do? What do you do with your tongue, etc.? How do you breathe? So if you are worried about these things, I can help you. Here's the thing: IT JUST HAPPENS AUTOMATICALLY. The key to kissing — and I'm totally an expert now that I've done it at least ten times — is just shutting your brain up. Don't listen to it when it says, “Hey, what are you doing?” Just do it. And it will all work out. Promise.

129
I saw this really neat documentary once about these guys who just dive into the river and grab fish. Like with their hands. They just snatch them out of the river. But the river is HUGE, like a ROARING OCEAN! And the fish are weird and toothy and EAT MEN! Sometimes I watch these things on TV and I sit on the Itchy Couch and I'm just so glad to be me, living here and having my own little, funny life.

130
Even typing that makes me feel sad and weird because only Freddie Blue ever called me kiddo, and now I guess we are not friends anymore and no one will ever call me kiddo again, which is good, because I hated being called kiddo, but at the same time it's sad, because it's like time is passing and I'm not ready for all this stuff to change, even though it's not really a life change to suddenly not be called an insulting name.

131
The death-on-a-stick-purple-puffy-shirt swept the school so immediately that a visitor to our planet — say an alien coming to inhabit our bodies after sucking our souls out our ears — would think that it was part of our uniform. I do not own one of those shirts and I am v. happy about that. NO ONE looks good in that shirt. Not even Freddie Blue, and she looks good in (almost) anything.

132
Real encyclopedias don't have quizzes either. They just stop at the end. After the last word. Which is almost always ZZ Top, which is this really awful rock band whose members all sport knee-length beards and sunglasses and which was very popular in the 1980s. That will almost certainly come up in a trivia game one day and maybe the fact that you know that will help you to win. Which makes this all worthwhile. So you're welcome.

133
That's how my favorite book of all times ends. Which you'd know if you'd followed my excellent advice back in the Books entry. But it's not the end of mine. At least, not quite.