The essential writings of Machiavelli (58 page)

SCENE FIVE

Friar Timoteo in disguise, Siro, Ligurio, and Callimaco
.

SIRO:
Who’s that with you, Ligurio?

LIGURIO:
A worthy gentleman.

SIRO:
Is he really lame, or is it part of his disguise?

LIGURIO:
Mind your own business.

SIRO:
He has the face of the Devil himself!

LIGURIO:
Hold your tongue! You’re rattling me! Where’s Callimaco?

CALLIMACO:
Here I am, welcome.

LIGURIO:
Callimaco, you need to have a word with this clown! Every time he opens his mouth …

CALLIMACO:
Listen, Siro, tonight you must do exactly as Ligurio says. When he tells you to do something, I want you to jump to it, as if the order came from me. Whatever you see or hear must be kept in strictest secrecy, if you value my property, my honor, my life, and what’s good for you.

SIRO:
I shall do exactly as you say.

CALLIMACO:
Did you give Messer Nicia the goblet?

SIRO:
Yes, sir.

CALLIMACO:
What did he say?

SIRO:
That he will do everything as planned.

FRIAR:
Is this Callimaco?

CALLIMACO:
At your service. Let us settle the conditions: I put myself and my entire fortune at your disposal.

FRIAR:
I humbly accept, and take you at your word. I have done things for you I would not have done for anyone else in the world.

CALLIMACO:
Your efforts will not go unrewarded.

FRIAR:
Your kindness toward me is sufficient reward.

LIGURIO:
Let’s drop the ceremonies. Siro and I will go disguise ourselves. You, Callimaco, come with us so you can get ready too. The friar will wait for us here: We’ll be right back, and then we can go off to get Messer Nicia.

CALLIMACO:
Great, let’s go.

FRIAR:
I’ll be waiting for you here.

SCENE SIX

Friar Timoteo in disguise
.

FRIAR:
How right are those who say that bad company will lead a man to the gallows! And a man will come to such an end as much from being too good and too easily swayed as from being too much of a villain. God is my witness that I have never intended to harm anyone: I kept to my cell, preached my sermons, attended to my flock. But suddenly that devil Ligurio appeared and made me dip my finger in sin, into which I then plunged my whole hand until I fell in all the way, body and soul, and who knows how deep I still have to sink! One saving grace is that when many people are involved, many have to share the burden.—But here come Ligurio and that servant.

SCENE SEVEN

Friar Timoteo, Ligurio, and Siro, all in disguise
.

FRIAR:
Welcome back.

LIGURIO:
Do we look good?

FRIAR:
Very good indeed.

LIGURIO:
All we need now is Messer Nicia, and we’ll be ready. Let’s go over to his house, it’s already past eight! Off we go!

SIRO:
Who’s that at his door? Is it him or a servant?

LIGURIO:
No, it’s him. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

SIRO:
What are you laughing at?

LIGURIO:
How can I help laughing? He’s donned a cape that’s so short, his bottom’s uncovered. And what the devil is he wearing on his head? It looks like one of those monk’s hoods, and he’s got a little sword too. Ha, ha! And he’s muttering something. Let’s conceal ourselves here so we can hear how his wife’s been raking him over the coals.

SCENE EIGHT

Messer Nicia in disguise
.

NICIA:
The trouble that fool of a woman is making! She’s sent her maids to her mother’s house and my servant out to the country. A wonderful idea, of course. But what’s not so wonderful is all the moaning and groaning I had to put up with before she got into bed—“No, I can’t go through with this!” “Oh, this’ll be the end of me!” “What are you making me do?” “Angels in Heaven!” “Woe is me!” If her mother hadn’t sworn she’d give her a good hiding, she’d never have got into that bed. A pox upon her! I don’t mind a feisty woman, but there’s a limit to everything! She’s driven me up and over the wall, the rabid little shrew. If I were to say, “Find me one levelheaded woman in all of Florence and I’ll hang myself!” her reply would be, “Why, what have I done to deserve this?” As sure as Pasquino entered Arezzo through the back gate, I’ll make sure she’s good and ready in that bed before the evening’s done. But I must say I cut a splendid figure in this outfit: No one would ever recognize me. It makes me a good deal taller, younger, and slimmer—there’s not a bawd in all of Florence who’d have me pay to bed her. But where is everyone?

SCENE NINE

Ligurio, Messer Nicia, Friar Timoteo, and Siro
.

LIGURIO:
Good evening, sir.

NICIA:
Oh, ah, I say!

LIGURIO:
Don’t be afraid, it’s only us.

NICIA:
Oh, so you are all here? If I hadn’t recognized you in the nick of time, I’d have plunged my sword into you, good and hard. Is that you, Ligurio? And is that you, Siro? And the other one here, is that Doctor Callimaco?

LIGURIO:
Yes, Messer Nicia.

NICIA:
Let me take a look at him! Oh, he has disguised himself excellently, his own grandmother wouldn’t recognize him.

LIGURIO:
I’ve had him put two nuts in his mouth so his voice won’t give him away.

NICIA:
You fool!

LIGURIO:
Why?

NICIA:
You should have told me! Then I’d also have put two nuts in my mouth, if it’s that important for our voices be disguised too!

LIGURIO:
Here, you can put this in your mouth.

NICIA:
What is it?

LIGURIO:
A ball of wax.

NICIA:
Let me try … yuck, ugh, ooh, what, yuck, ooh, ugh, ooh! A dropsy upon you, you damn rascal!

LIGURIO:
Forgive me, I gave you the wrong one by mistake.

NICIA:
Yuck, yuck, ugh, ooh … What, what w-w-was it?

LIGURIO:
Just a little purgative resin.

NICIA:
A curse upon you! Yuck, ugh! Doctor, aren’t you going to say something?

FRIAR:
I’m outraged that Ligurio gave you that!

NICIA:
I say, you are doing a splendid job of disguising your voice!

LIGURIO:
Let’s not waste any more time. I shall assume the role of captain, and will set up our forces for the coming battle. Callimaco will be on the right flank, I shall be on the left, and Messer Nicia will be in between. Siro will bring up the rear to bolster any flank that might flag. The battle cry will be “Saint Cuckoldino”!

NICIA:
Who is Saint Cuckoldino?

LIGURIO:
The most honored of all the saints in France. Forward, march! Let’s set up our ambush here at this corner. Listen! I hear a lute.

NICIA:
Yes, it’s a lute! What shall we do?

LIGURIO:
We must send out a scout to see who he is and then act according to what he reports back.

NICIA:
Who will go?

LIGURIO:
Siro, you go. You know what you have to do. Observe, examine, return swiftly, report!

SIRO:
Yes, sir! [
Siro exits
]

NICIA:
I don’t want us to slip up and grab some old doddard who can barely stand up, or we’ll have to go through this whole rigmarole again tomorrow.

LIGURIO:
Rest assured—Siro’s a good man. Ah, he’s back. What did you find?

SIRO
[reentering]:
He’s the handsomest young fellow you’ve ever seen. He can’t be a day over twenty-five. He’s alone, and he’s coming this way wearing one of those stylish mantles and playing a lute.

NICIA:
If what you say is true, then he’s just what we’re looking for. If he’s not, believe me, you will end up with more than egg on your face.

SIRO:
Have no fear, he’s just as I say.

LIGURIO:
Let’s wait till he gets to this corner, and we’ll jump him.

NICIA:
Come over here, doctor. You strike me as a man of steel. Here he is!

CALLIMACO
[enters, singing]:
“The Devil might come to lie with you, while I’m far across the oceans blue.”

LIGURIO
[seizing Callimaco]:
Fear not, sir! Give me that lute!

CALLIMACO:
Alas! Leave me be! What have I done to you?

NICIA:
You’ll see! Cover his head and gag him.

LIGURIO:
Turn him around.

NICIA:
Turn him again—and again! Take him into the house!

FRIAR:
Messer Nicia, I shall retire, as I have a most prodigious headache. If I am not needed, I shall not return until tomorrow.

NICIA:
Indeed, we will not need you this evening, Doctor. We’re quite able to handle this on our own.

SCENE TEN

Friar Timoteo in disguise
.

FRIAR:
They are nicely tucked up in the house, so I shall now return to my monastery, and you, dear audience, do not blame us: For if we were not to move on to the next act, then neither you nor I nor anyone here would get any sleep tonight. Before the next act, I shall have given a sermon, Ligurio and Siro will have dined, as they haven’t eaten all day, and Messer Nicia will have left his bedchamber for his living room, as too many cooks spoil the broth. Callimaco and Madonna Lucrezia will not sleep a wink, because I know that if I were he and you were she, you and I wouldn’t sleep a wink either.

A
CT
V

SCENE ONE

Friar Timoteo alone
.

FRIAR:
I didn’t close an eye all night, such is my fervor to hear how Callimaco and the others fared. I tried to pass the time in various ways: I said matins, read the
Lives of the Holy Fathers
, went over to the church and lit a lamp that had gone out, changed a veil on one of the statues of Our Lady that has wrought miracles. How many times have I told those brother friars of mine to keep her clean! And then they wonder why the votive offerings don’t keep coming! I remember the days when we had five hundred offerings—now you’d be hard put to find twenty! But I’ll tell you one thing: It’s our fault! We’ve not done a good job of keeping the church’s reputation going. In the old days we used to walk in solemn processions after the evening service, we had hymns sung every Saturday. We would have the congregation pledge solemn vows so that there’d always be a stream of votive offerings. Yes, back then we always got both men and women to make vows and purchase offerings! Now none of that’s being done. And then we’re surprised when business is down? My brother friars have nothing but air in their heads! But I hear a great ruckus coming from Messer Nicia’s house! Here he comes, by my faith! They’re sending out the prisoner. I’ve come just in time. They’ve squeezed out the last drop, and dawn is breaking. I shall step aside to hear what they are saying.

SCENE TWO

Messer Nicia, Callimaco, Ligurio, and Sim, all in disguise
.

NICIA:
You grab him from that side, and I’ll grab him from here, and you, Siro, hold on to his mantle from behind.

CALLIMACO:
Don’t hurt me!

LIGURIO:
Don’t be frightened, just get a move on.

NICIA:
Let’s not go any farther.

LIGURIO:
Good idea. We can free him here: Whirl him around twice so he doesn’t know which way he came from. Whirl him, Siro!

SIRO:
Here we go.

NICIA:
Again!

SIRO:
Here we go again.

CALLIMACO:
What about my lute?

LIGURIO:
Away with you, you rascal! One more word and I’ll chop your head off!

NICIA:
He’s run away. Let’s go get out of these clothes: We’d do well to go out early this morning so it doesn’t look as if we’ve been up all night.

LIGURIO:
That is a splendid idea.

NICIA:
Ligurio and Siro, go and find Doctor Callimaco and tell him that everything went well.

LIGURIO:
What do you expect us to tell him? We don’t know anything. After all, once we were inside your house, we went into the cellar to have some wine. It was your mother-in-law and you who stayed with them, and we didn’t see you again until now, when you called us to help you kick him out of the house.

NICIA:
You’re right. Ha, do I have some funny things to tell you! There was my wife in bed in the dark. Sostrata was waiting for me by the fire. So I took the young rake upstairs, and so that I could get a good look at what’s what, I pushed him into a storeroom off the hallway where there’s enough light to see, but not enough for him to get a good look at my face.

LIGURIO:
Very clever.

NICIA:
I told him undress, but he dug in his heels. Then I went at him like a rabid dog, and he ripped off his clothes as if they were on fire. So there he stood stark naked. His face was quite ugly—what a nose, and his mouth all twisted!—but I’d never seen a handsomer body! White, smooth, soft. As for his other … um … charms … I shall say no more.

LIGURIO:
The less said the better, I think. But why did you need to see all that?

NICIA:
Why did I need to see all that? I’d already poked my finger into the pie, so there was no reason not to check the filling. I also wanted to see if he was healthy: If he had the pox, where would I be now? You hadn’t thought of that, had you?

LIGURIO:
You’re right, I hadn’t!

NICIA:
Once I assured myself that he was healthy, I dragged him out of the storeroom and into the chamber, where I pushed him into the bed. And before I left I poked my hand under the blanket to see if the fellow was rising to the occasion. I’m the kind of man who grabs a bull by the horns.

LIGURIO:
I marvel at the wisdom with which you handled this matter!

NICIA:
Once I made sure everything was coming up roses, I left the bedchamber, locked the door, and went to sit with my mother-in-law by the fire, where we stayed up all night waiting and talking.

LIGURIO:
What did you talk about?

NICIA:
About how foolish Lucrezia is, and how she’d have done better to give in right away, without all the back-and-forth. Then we talked about the baby that I can already see in my arms, the chubby-cheeked little rascal! Until I heard the bells strike six. Worried that dawn was about to break, I went into the bedchamber. And would you believe it, there was no waking that scoundrel!

LIGURIO:
I believe it.

NICIA:
He was lying there like a roast pig in its own juice, but I got him up, summoned you, and we took him outside.

LIGURIO:
So things went very well.

NICIA:
But would you believe it, I feel bad.

LIGURIO:
You do?

NICIA:
I feel bad that that poor fellow will have to die so soon, and that this night will cost him so dearly.

LIGURIO:
Ah, is that all you’re worried about? Well, let that be his problem.

NICIA:
You’re right.—But it’s taking an eternity to find Doctor Callimaco, I want to tell him the good news!

LIGURIO:
He’ll be out within the hour. Ah, the sun’s come up already. We’ll go and change. What about you?

NICIA:
I’ll go home as well and dress. I’ll see to it that my wife gets up, and I’ll have her come to church with me to have her purified. I’d like Callimaco to be there too, so we can see the friar to thank him and reward him for everything he has done.

LIGURIO:
That’s a splendid idea. Go with God.

SCENE THREE

Friar Timoteo alone
.

FRIAR:
I have heard what Messer Nicia said and am well pleased, considering what a fool that man is. But his final words please me no end! As they are all coming to see me, I don’t want to dally here, but will go and wait for them in church, where my merchandise is worth more. But who is that coming out of that house over there? It’s Ligurio, if I’m not mistaken, and the man with him must be Callimaco. I don’t want them to see me here, for the reason I’ve just mentioned. After all, even if they don’t find me in church, I can always go look for them.

SCENE FOUR

Callimaco and Ligurio
.

CALLIMACO:
As I’ve already told you, Ligurio, I felt quite uneasy until two in the morning. Though it was such a pleasure, it didn’t seem right. But then I revealed to her who I was and told her of my love for her, and how easily we could live happily without a breath of scandal, her husband being such a fool. I promised that should God ever whisk him off, I would take her as my wife. These were all sound enough reasons, but once she experienced the difference between my technique and that of Messer Nicia, and between the kisses of a young lover and those of an elderly husband, she sighed a few times and said: “Your shrewdness, my husband’s foolishness, my mother’s silliness, and my confessor’s wickedness have led me to do what I would never have done of my own accord; therefore I accept that it was the will of Heaven for things to be this way. And as it is not for me to question the will of Heaven, I submit. I shall take you as my lord, master, and guide. You will be my father, you will be my champion, I want you to be my idol of goodness. And what my husband wished for a single night, I want to be forever. Be a brother to him, come to the church tomorrow morning, and then come back home to dine with us. From then on, you will be able to come and go at will, and you and I will be able to be together whenever we desire without scandal.” I melted at the sweetness of her words, and was unable to say even a fraction of what I wanted to say. I am the happiest and most delighted man in all the world! And if this happiness does not elude me through death or the passing of time, I shall be more blessed than the blessed, more saintly than the saints.

LIGURIO:
I am overjoyed at anything good that befalls you, and pleased that everything has turned out exactly as I predicted. What shall we do now?

CALLIMACO:
Let us go to the church, for I promised to be there when she, her mother, and Messer Nicia arrive.

LIGURIO:
I hear their door opening: it’s them! They’re coming out with Messer Nicia in tow.

CALLIMACO:
Let us go to the church and wait for them there.

SCENE FIVE

Messer Nicia, Lucrezia, and Sostrata
.

NICIA:
Lucrezia, I think it would be good to do things fearing God, and not in just any old way.

LUCREZIA:
Oh, do we still have to do more?

NICIA:
Ha, she’s become quite feisty.

SOSTRATA:
Don’t be surprised—she’s a changed woman.

LUCREZIA:
What do you mean by “doing things fearing God”?

NICIA:
I mean that it would be good for me to go on ahead and talk to the friar and tell him to meet you on the steps of the church so he can lead you in to the purification ceremony, because this morning it truly is as if you were reborn.

LUCREZIA:
So go ahead.

NICIA:
You are really feisty this morning! And yesterday evening you seemed more dead than alive.

LUCREZIA:
I have you to thank.

SOSTRATA:
Go find the friar. Oh, but you needn’t—I see him in front of the church.

NICIA:
Yes, there he is.

SCENE SIX

Friar Timoteo, Messer Nicia, Lucrezia, Callimaco, Ligurio, and Sostrata
.

FRIAR
[to himself]:
The only reason I’m coming out is because Callimaco and Ligurio told me that Messer Nicia and the ladies are coming to the church. And here they are.

NICIA:
Bona dies,
⁸
Father.

FRIAR:
Welcome, welcome. May all this augur well, Madonna Lucrezia, and God send you a nice baby boy.

LUCREZIA:
May God will it!

FRIAR:
God will most definitely will it.

NICIA:
Do I see Ligurio and Doctor Callimaco inside the church?

FRIAR:
Yes, sir.

NICIA:
Wave them over.

FRIAR
[to Callimaco and Ligurio]:
Come here!