The Ethical Slut (39 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton
Sex-negative: Sex is dangerous. Sexual desire is wrong. Female sexuality is destructive and evil. Male sexuality is predatory and uncontrollable. It is the task of every civilized human being to confine sexuality within very narrow limits. Sex is the work of the devil. God hates sex. Got the picture?
Sex-positive: The belief that sex is a healthy force in our lives. This phrase was created by sex educators at the National Sex Forum in the late 1960s. It describes a person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental attitude toward all forms of consensual sexuality.
Slut: A person who celebrates sexuality with an open mind and an open heart.
Transsexual (“transman,” “transwoman,” etc.): Someone who identifies as a gender different from the one that their chromosomes and/or genitals dictate. Transfolk may or may not decide to take hormones and/or have surgery to change their physical appearance. Some transfolk are
reclaiming
the formerly derogatory term “tranny.”
The following is a list of books, websites, networks, and other resources for polyamory and other sexually adventurous lifestyles. New books and resources about polyamory and open relationships are proliferating like bunnies in the springtime, and we can’t keep up with all of them—so our apologies if we’ve omitted your favorite.
The books we’re most familiar with are all terrific, and each one offers viewpoints that others don’t, but as of the latest count we know of dozens more, each with lots to offer. Read them all, but if you can only afford a few, we suggest that you check out the ones we list here.
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships,
Tristan Taormino (Cleis Press, 2008). Offers a taxonomy of all the many kinds of open relationships and includes interviews with hundreds of people who are succeeding at nontraditional lifestyles.
Polyamory: The New Love without Limits,
Dr. Deborah Anapol (Intinet Resource Center, 1997). The classic text for those seeking group marriages and other long-term multipartner committed relationships.
Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships,
Wendy-O Matik (Defiant Times Press, 2002). Targeted to younger alternative relationship–seekers, this book frames open relationships as a radical choice that is political as well as personal.
Alt.polyamory (
www.polyamory.org
). Start your search for poly-friendly information and resources here. Support groups, communities, mailing lists, and such come and go more quickly than we can keep up with in
a printed book, but you can find up-to-date information and links to groups all over the world here, as well as relevant articles, glossaries, book reviews, and much more.
Society for Human Sexuality (
www.sexuality.org
). This remarkably comprehensive website links to hundreds if not thousands of articles, reviews, and other resources about all forms of human sexuality.
Poly in the Media (
polyinthemedia.blogspot.com
). If you’re curious about news coverage of goings-on in polyland, check out this blog.
If the Buddha Dated,
Charlotte Kasl (Penguin, 1999). How to navigate the world of dating openheartedly, without hauling along all your expectations.
Human Awareness Institute (
www.hai.org
). These folks put on excellent weekend-long workshops on intimacy, sex, and love, all over the world.
Tribe (
www.tribe.net
). “Tribes” of like-minded individuals include ethical sluts, as well as general polyamory tribes and some regional polyamory tribes.
Adult Friend Finder (
www.adultfriendfinder.com
). If you’re seeking a relationship that is primarily sexual and/or kinky in nature, check out this website.
Cuddle Party (
www.cuddleparty.com
). Cuddle parties are fun, friendly social events in which participants can explore touch and cuddling without sexual expectations.
Lifestyles (
www.lifestyles.org
). Information, ideas, and events for folks who are specifically interested in swinging.
PolyMatchMaker (
www.polymatchmaker.com
). Most dating services assume that you’re seeking a monogamous relationship; some will refuse to do business with you if you’re looking for something else. A happy exception is PolyMatchMaker. Their website also offers links to useful articles and websites.
The Erotic Mind,
Jack Morin (Harper, 1996). A brilliant untangling of the eternal conflict between the comfortable ease of long-term relationships and the passionate tension required for hot sex.
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex
, Cathy Winks and Anne Semans (Cleis Press, 2002). A thorough, inclusive guide to how sex actually works.
Hot Monogamy
, Patricia Love and Jo Robinson (Plume, 1995). Who better to teach you how to keep your relationship sexy than the folks who have committed to having sex with only one person for the rest of their lives?
Urban Tantra
, Barbara Carrellas (Celestial Arts, 2007). How to use the techniques of tantra—breath, gaze, motion, and so on—to bring greater intensity and connection to your sex play. Inclusive of all genders and orientations, including BDSM/leather.
San Francisco Sex Information (
www.sfsi.org
). Our friends at this website maintain a useful and accessible information line. They can answer your questions one-on-one, by telephone (415-989-SFSI) or online.
American Social Health Association (
www.ashastd.org
). For the latest information about safer sex and sexually transmitted diseases, check out this website.
The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage
, George R. Bach and Peter Wyden (Morrow, 1968). The concept of “fair fighting” was first expounded by Dr. Bach in this wonderful book. Published forty years ago, the book is somewhat outdated, but the material on communication, and detailed descriptions of constructive ways to share your anger with a partner, is priceless—this book is a classic.
Difficult Conversations
, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, and Roger Fisher (Penguin, 2000). How to discuss the uncomfortable—not just with your lover(s) but with anyone.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
, Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi (Puddledancer Press, 2003). One of the best contemporary books for dealing with communications skills in conflict of all sorts.
Poly-Friendly Professionals (
www.polychromatic.com/pfp
). Provides lists of counselors, attorneys, therapists, physicians, and other professionals who are familiar and nonjudgmental about alternative relationship structures.
Kink-Aware Professionals (
www.ncsfreedom.org/kap
). Lists professionals (doctors, attorneys, therapists, bodyworkers, and more) who are
nonjudgmental about BDSM, leather, kink, fetish, and other alternative modes of sexual expression.
A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples
(Nolo, 2007). A useful book with a CD-ROM that can help you set up whatever legal underpinnings your relationships require.
Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples
(Nolo, 2008). Another useful resource with an accompanying CD-ROM.
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (
www.ncsfreedom.org
) and the Woodhull Foundation (
www.woodhullfoundation.org
). Information about protecting your legal and political rights as a practitioner of a nontraditional sexual lifestyle. Please support them with your charitable donations.
DOSSIE EASTON is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in alternative sexualities and relationships, with twenty years of experience counseling open relationships. She is the author of four other books. She has been an ethical slut since 1969.
Visit
www.dossieeaston.com
.
JANET W. HARDY is the author of more than 10 books and founder of Greenery Press, a San Francisco Bay Area book publisher specializing in sexually adventurous books. She has an MFA in creative writing from St. Mary’s College. She swore off monogamy in 1987. Visit
www.janetwhardy.com
.
Dossie and Janet have authored several other books, available from Greenery Press.
When Someone You Love Is Kinky
is for the friends, family, coworkers, and partners of anyone who’s involved in an alternative sexuality like S/M, D/S, leather, crossdressing, or fetish. (Note: Janet wrote this book under her former pen name, “Catherine A. Liszt.”)
The New Bottoming Book
and
The New Topping Book
show how to bring all your power, sexiness, and smarts to your role as a BDSM bottom or top.
Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence
chronicles Dossie’s and Janet’s individual and mutual experiences with altered states of consciousness during BDSM play and offers some ideas drawn from tantra and other practices about how to journey there yourself.
Janet is also the author of several other books:
The Sexually Dominant Woman
and
The Compleat Spanker
(both written as “Lady Green”),
The Toybag Guide to Canes and Caning, Twenty-First Century Kinky-Crafts
, and (with Dr. Charles Moser)
Sex Disasters … And How to Survive Them.
