The Everlasting Covenant (35 page)

“
There is no denying the fact that Brainard will outlive me and create troubles for you that will be difficult to quell. I cannot prevent him from having Ayliffe, but I can delay him. I have rectified the problem to a small degree
--
my will is with the king and states plainly that the order of widowhood is yours at your request. Ayliffe is yours until you die. Brainard will not inherit title there until after you are gone.
”

The issue was a large and important one, but Anne was less concerned with Ayliffe just now than with Brennan. What he had done suddenly brought the enormity of his problem home to her. She could not ignore what he must be feeling, if it drove him to drastic measures.
“
Wills? Order of widowhood? My lord, what do you plan? Do you willfully abandon me? Are you ...
”
She couldn
’
t even form the words, she was suddenly terrified that Brennan was suffering from melancholia and thought of taking his own life.

“
I only say it is later in my life than you might think. I am withering away.
”

“
Cease,
”
she said almost angrily.
“
You are not suffering from anything other than self-pity. Truly, Brennan, it is not like you to fret over such minor things as morning aches or less passion in our nights. I will not hear of your fast-approaching death. It is too much!
”

He smiled gently.
“
You do make me wish for my younger days,
”
he said.
“
That
’
s why
I
wanted you so badly seven years ago. You filled me with hunger, you made me feel like a reckless young lad.
”

“
Come,
”
she said, taking his hand and leading him toward their bed.
“
Take off your clothes and let me massage your back.
Perhaps you are only tired, Edward uses you too well and my family plagues you constantly.
”
She helped him out of his tunic and knelt at his feet to remove his boots as he sat on the bed.
“
It is not always for the best when one stands in the good graces of the king. Brennan, you are only tired.
”

When Anne stood again Brennan pulled her toward him be
tween his knees and held her on his lap.
“
Perhaps it is not my back that needs your ministrations, my love.
”

She gently kissed his lips and pushed him back on the bed. Her mind raced with worry. Poor Brennan, she had taken no notice that he was so beset. In recounting the year and several months since Deirdre
’
s birth, she realized that he had touched her very few times. She strained to remember the last time they had made love and could not. Filled with remorse, she thought a better wife would have known more of her husband
’
s troubles. Was it really over for him? She had never heard of such a complaint. She longed to ask him if all men suffered this way with age, or if this was some rare disease. There was rumored to be plague in the city, was he sick? She applied her gentle, caressing hands to Brennan
’
s yielding flesh, she kissed his lips as passionately as she could. She employed all the clever and stimulating requests he had asked of her over the years. She had always hoped to please him, but now she felt it was en
cumbent on her to save him.

Brennan responded almost gratefully to Anne
’
s efforts, but they were futile. Finally, with a groan of absolute despair, he rolled away from her
.
“
It is useless. I am no longer a man.
”
His voice caught pitifully.

“
Brennan, nay, please,
”
she said, desperate tears in her own voice as she pulled him back to face her.
“
Oh Brennan, my love, my dear love, it doesn
’
t matter! Just hold me, just be close to me!
”
She clung to him, her torment completely for him. She had never yearned for Brennan
’
s lovemaking, yet she had never resented his touch, either. She didn
’
t need his passion, but she needed his friendship and devotion a great deal
.
And with this loss that he suffered, he seemed to withdraw from her. She
became frightened. She felt as though she was losing her dearest friend.

“
How can you accept me like this?
”
he asked.

“
How can I not,
”
she cried.
“
We have a family, children. I am your wife. Please, I would miss your touch, your body, but I need you. I do not desire more than your love. You are my husband, my lord. Whether ill or fit, whether rich or poor, we must succor each other. Please, Brennan,
believe me, I love you the same!
”

He touched her tearstained cheek, looking into her pleading eyes.
“
I know you do,
”
he whispered.
“
I don
’
t know if that is a good sign, or bad.
”

***

Anne went alone to mass on the sixth morning after the tournament had begun. She had not forgotten Dylan in the face of Brennan
’
s troubles, but she had pushed him far to the back of her mind, so she was startled when she spied him in the chapel stall. With a mind that thought as one with his, she followed him through the quiet, dark passages of Westminster. A flight of stairs, a torch
-
lit alcove, a door opened, and then she was in his arms.

“
Anne, my beloved, it has been so long.
”
His lips were hot and searing on hers, but she pushed him away. She was trembling.

“
Have a care, Dylan. Do not touch me, I beg you.
”

“
What is it? What is amiss?
”

“
I had hardly noticed,
”
she began, her voice quivering with confusion.
“
But the fact is this: my husband no longer shares my bed except for sleep. I beg
you, do not tempt me overmuch –
I am too hungry for your arms, your lips. Now, there would be nothing to protect me from being stoned for an adulteress if I should somehow come with child.
”

Dylan
’
s brow wrinkled in sudden confusion.
“
What is this? He looks at you with all the lust and hunger that ever glittered in a man
’
s eye.
”

She let her gaze drop.
“
But ... he ..
. cannot ...
”

Dylan whistled low.
“
How so? What ails him?
”

“
I don
’
t know. Oh, tell me truly, Dylan, is this a common complaint? Br
ennan thinks he has become old –
he believes him
self near death. Is he ill, Dylan? Is it plague?
”

Dylan gave a little huff of sad laughter.
“
Nay, my love,
‘
tis not a common complaint, nor is it a sign of sickness. Poor Forbes, a worse curse could not befall a man than to have so pleasing a wife and no will to use her.
”

“
Dylan, is this my fault?
I
have never met Brennan in the passion he wished fr
om me. I know that. I tried ... I ..
.
”

“
No, my darling. You must not blame yourself. I know you have been a good wife to the earl and have do
ne your best to make him happy –
I know you did not try to withhold affection, nor spurn him. He is a good man.
”
He sighed and looked sympathetically into her eyes. His problem was not dissimilar. He did understand how she must feel, but he could not quite form the words. It was not something one could pretend.
“
Poor Anne.
”
He squeezed her upper arms in sympathy.
“
Now your marriage will be more like mine.
”

“
Yours?
”
she questioned.

“
Never mind. Kiss me
.
I will give you no babe
.”

Upon his promise she yielded her lips, her arms, and more. Just to feel safe, however briefly, in Dylan
’
s arms brought her familiar joy. Her body would always respond to him even when her mind willed it otherwise, and there was strange comfort in this. She had felt so burdened and guilty, as if there was some
thing terribly wrong with her, as if she had harmed Brennan purposely, something she would never do.

She had not even known that the small closet in which they hid existed, nor did she know the way out. But his lips on hers and his hands on her breasts caused her not to care. There was so much life in his embrace. Once in a year, once in a decade, once in a lifetime
--
it did not matter. All else was forgotten when she was again with her love, her forever love.

She panicked suddenly when she felt her skirt rise as Dylan bunched it in his hand and pulled it up
.
She writhed slightly as though she would pull away when his warm fingers touched that willing, secret, dangerous place.

“
Please, Dylan, do not ..
.
”

“
Hush, my Anne. Let me. You will see.
”

Soon a low moan of release escaped her like trapped steam as her body shook with the secret splendor. She nearly collapsed into his arms as she felt the ecstasy of this lover
’
s satisfaction, though Dylan did not enter her. His lips, hard and hot on her neck, devoured her flesh. He held her pinioned against a cool gray palace wall and remained still, supporting her for a long while as she slowly recovered herself. And then, understanding, she found him with her hand.

It was always clandestine, always less than it could be.
Why,
she asked herself, again and again. What would have been so terrible in having each other
within the pure sanctity of mar
riage? Why could fate not smile on them? The touch of his lips filled her and she would recall the taste of his mouth for days and weeks. This was the only place she felt real, in his arms, in his care. And just when she began to think she could not live without him, it was always time to part. Each encounter was more dangerous than the one before.

An hour had passed when he cautiously opened the door and looked down the dark gallery. He found it empty and closed the door again, looking at her intensely.
“
If I am ever found out in this, I will be executed before cockcrow, but there is some
thing you must know, Anne. Your word on your silence? Not even Jane
--
”

“
Of course.
”

“
It may be a long while before we are together again. Anne, my love, it may be years. I have entered into a dangerous conspiracy with your husband and others. The cause is the king
’
s, I assure you, but if you wonder at what seems a strained friendship between Forbes and me and Scales and myself, it is for a purpose. I have been asked to join Clarence somehow.
”

“
Clarence?
”
She whispered.

“
I must not be thought to be on the best of terms with the Woodville clan, which by sheer proximity includes your noble husband. Trust me and do not doubt me, my love, no matter what you hear. I am not a traitor.
”

“
Of course not. But do you go away?
”

“
I will always try to wedge myself near your company. I will steal whatever moment of your time
I
might, but this business of mine will keep me closer to Clarence. I only want you to know, to understand. If Lord Forbes acts as if he is troubled by me, it has nothing to do with you. You must not be afraid that we have been discovered.
”

“
Be safe, Dylan. Be careful.
”

He kissed her once in parting, told her how to leave the hiding place, and sent her off ahead of him.

Ah, Anne.
He leaned against the closed door. Had he shamed her by his desperate lust, by the way he manipulated her body? Her pleasure was his pleasure
--
he could not resist. When she melted in his arms in spite of herself, he was reassured. The response she could give no other she gave to him, though it was always dangerous. He had never co
nsidered reciprocal treat
ment –
he had only wished to feel her response, bring her that carnal joy. An illicit hour with her sustained him for a while, it would be a long time before he would be racked with worry that she had somehow learned to live without him, that she did not love him anymore.