The Ex Factor: A Novel (19 page)

“Hell, I would've assumed he was a batty man—gay or someting. Not dat he wanted to horn his wife with me.”

“No. I knew he wasn't gay. Look.” Monica paused. “When Celeste and Sharief first moved to Jersey, Sharief ran off the highway.”

“And fucking you comes in where?” Listra raised her eyebrows.

“Would you listen,” Monica snapped. “You know that Sharief is a detective and his shift didn't end until two and sometimes three o'clock in the morning. And then he had to drive an hour and a half home. So one night, when he was driving home he fell asleep, and totaled his car by slamming into the barrier.”

“Oh Gawd, was he all right?” Listra asked concerned.

“Yeah, he walked away with some bruises from the airbag. Shortly after that Celeste asked me if I would mind Sharief staying with me for a few days during the week, or when he had to work.”

“And you said yes?”

“Of course I said yes.”

“Why didn't she ask your mother?”

“Girl, don't nobody wanna stay with Red's nonsingin' ass, practicing dance steps and shit all night.”

Listra laughed.

“Anyway,” Monica continued, “at first I did well, he and I both did well. We had opposite shifts. When he went to work I was at home, when he was home I was at the hospital working. No problems. Barely saw each other. He had his own key and we kept it moving.”

“Get to the point.” Listra mashed her cigarette in the ashtray.

“I'm getting there,” Monica huffed. “Don't get vexed wit' me, 'cause I'm waitin' for you to get to the part where Celeste kicked yo' ass.”

“Look, my shift changed and I started working nine to five with every other weekend off, and I noticed how Sharief never seemed to eat any home-cooked food, always fast food. So I started cooking for him. And I would always make sure that he had dinner in the microwave when he came home at night. And if I didn't feel like cooking, then I would order Chinese and have it delivered to him at the station. And we started to get close after that.”

“Uhmm-hmm.” Listra sucked her teeth. “So you were laying down the bait?”

“It wasn't like that.”

“I can't tell.”

“You wanna hear the story or not?” Monica asked.

“Go ahead.”

“So one night we were talking and I found out that he liked old-school hip-hop. Well, his birthday was coming up, so I surprised him with tickets to an old-school concert: Naughty By Nature, MC Shan, Lyte, Lateefah, Moni, the Jungle Brothers…”

“How long ago was this?”

“Three—almost four months.”

“And you fucked him before or after the show?”

“After—the same night—but it just happened. We came home, ate dinner, watched some ole Bruce Lee karate movies, and fell asleep. When we woke up we were lying on the couch and my head was on his chest. He kissed me on the forehead to wake me up. ‘Get up baby,’ he said.

“I stared at him long and hard and I wanted to kiss him so bad. I did. I really did, but I just sat up and said, ‘Wow, I didn't realize we fell asleep.’

“ ‘Me either,’ he said. And Listra, he stared at me and he kept looking at my breasts and my face, and back at my breasts, and then he tucked his lips inside his mouth. I can't even lie, my pussy was dripping. As I went to stand up he said, ‘Come here.’ I turned around and he kissed me… and I kissed him back, I couldn't help it. Then he slid his hands down over my breasts and started feeling my nipples. He started kissing me on my neck down to my cleavage and then he started sucking my titties through my shirt.

“ ‘Sharief,’ I whispered to him, ‘we gotta stop, baby. I want to, I really want to, but we can't.’

“ ‘I know.’ He stopped sucking my nipple and started unbut-toning my blouse. ‘We need to stop, but I can't … unless you absolutely want me to stop.’

“But by then, girl, I was undressed. My mouth couldn't speak so my body had to do the talking.”

Listra took a deep breath. “Look, don't do it again. Just take the skeleton and tuck it in the closet. It happened once, that's more than enough, just forget about it. But let me warn you: if you try anything with my husband, I'ma beat yo' ass.”

Monica laughed. “Shut up, girl.”

“Listen, you were wrong and I have to tell you that I'm disappointed, but just don't let it happen anymore. It was
only once
, right?”

“No.” Monica hesitated. “I've been fucking him like he's mine.”

“But what de hell! Gurl, I thought it was just some forbidden
dick. Not a damn love affair! Monica, are you in a relationship with this man?”

Monica looked down and then she looked back up again. “Yes. Look, Listra.” She took a deep breath. “I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I didn't mean for this to ever happen…or to get this far…I love my sister. I do…I do… but I'm in love with Sharief and I don't know how to give that up.”

“Do you want to?”

“No … and I know it's fucked up and the more I lie the worse it is. Every time I see Celeste, I feel horrible. And lately I don't see her as being my sister as much as I see her as being his wife. I can't lie, Listra, I love him. He's perfect. He's beautiful, his smile, his laugh, his teeth.” She giggled. “The dick, all of it. He has a wonderful career, he's a good father, a good provider, if I ask him for something—anything—and he has it, I have it. He's all that I've ever wanted in my life. And quite frankly I don't know what the hell is wrong with Celeste.”

“Celeste?”

“Yes, Celeste. She gained weight, I swear all she does is smoke, eat, and complain.”

“That's not a reason to fuck your sister's husband. Anyway, does Celeste know?”

“No.”

“Well, den you in a mess. She's his wife. She is the Mrs. to your Mr.” Listra looked disgusted. “Come on, Monica, you and your sister are fucking the same man?”

“No—he's not fucking her—he wants a divorce.”

“And so does every other cheatin'-ass man.”

“No, this is different. I know both sides because Celeste tells me all her business, no matter how nasty she is to me.”

“Get the hell outta here! Oh, this shit has got to stop.”

“What has to stop?” Celeste asked, walking into the café wearing a pair of jeans and a tank top. “Tell me.”

“How did you get here?” Monica said, surprised.

“I drove here. Hi, Listra.” Celeste looked around. “Damn, Listra, when are you all going to decorate in here? Goodness.”

“When you pay for it.” Listra smirked.

“Anyway.” Celeste snickered. “I just stopped in to get something to eat. I know Sharief likes West Indian food, so I figured I would stop in and get him something.”

“How is Sharief ?” Listra asked Celeste.

“He's fantastic! I can't wait to get home. I have the candles lit, the whipped cream and strawberries in the refrigerator, and the Boney James on repeat. Oh let me tell you, when I get home me and my husband gon' make a baby!”

Monica almost choked on the water she was sipping.

“Are you okay?” Celeste asked.

“Yes,” Monica coughed out. “Where are the girls?”

“With Mommy.” “I'm surprised that you're here,” Listra said. “When's the last time you were in Brooklyn?”

“A few months ago, and just looking around I see why I don't come back. But I called and asked my mother to keep my children tonight so that Sharief and I could spend some time alone. Let me tell you, I even brought a new negligee. It's white, see-through, and trimmed in fox fur. I'ma screw his brains out, you hear me?” Celeste smiled. “Listra, can I have two orders of curry chicken to go.”

“No problem.” Listra went into the kitchen and fixed the food.

“Look, Monica,” Celeste said, “let's try and get along, after all we are sisters.”

“You should remember that when you're being nasty to me. Don't try and be nice now because you have plans to get some dick. Just make sure you pay me my money back from Mommy's bachelorette party and then we'll call it a truce.”

Listra quickly returned. “All right, Celeste, two curry chickens.” Celeste pulled out her wallet.

“It's on the house,” Listra said, waving her hand. “No worries. Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, Listra, I appreciate it. Okay, see ya later.” Celeste waved good-bye and left.

“If you don't stop”—Listra looked at Monica—“it's only a matter of time before all hell breaks loose.”

“It already has.” Before Monica could go on, the walkie-talkie on her Nextel went off. “Monica—Monica over and out.”

“Who the hell is that?” Listra mumbled.

“My mother,” Monica mumbled back. “Ma,” she clicked the walkie-talkie button on her phone, “just call me on the phone. I can hear you better.” A few seconds later Monica's phone rang. “Wassup, Ma?”

“Monica, I need you to come and get these kids for me. Red got an important gig.”

Instantly Monica caught an attitude. “What?”

“Don't say
what
to me. Anyway, the Chi-Lites, Blue Magic, some of the living members from Earth Wind and Fire, and Pips gon' be at Symphony Hall in Newark, New Jersey, and they invited the Jam On Its to be their opening act. Red, Jimmy, and Slick on the come-up, baby! Mama Byrd is going with Nadine, but I need you to keep Celeste's kids.”

“Call Celeste and tell her to keep her own kids. I have something to do.”

“Celeste has a special night planned for her and Sharief. She's trying to save her marriage.”

“Oh please. She should've thought of that before she tried to chop his hand off.”

“That ain't none of your business. When you get your husband, you worry about that. Now, look, I gotta do Red's hair and let out the waist in his glow-in-the-dark catsuit. And then I gotta go help Jimmy and Roxanne out. The poor woman, she tried to let out the waist in Jimmy's catsuit but given the situation with
her hands, she ended up sewing the ass to the elbow. So what time are you going to be here?”

“Ma—”

“Ma, what? You mean to tell me that you can't help me out? You can't rearrange your plans for one night? I'm your mother and if I had a mother still alive I would jump through hoops to do whatever she ask me to.”

“Okay, Ma. Just tell them to get ready because I'm around the corner at Patsy's.”

“Okay, tell Patsy and Listra I said hello. Love ya, baby.”

“Love ya too, Ma.”

“Look, Listra,” Monica said, hanging up, “let me go. I need to get my nieces so Sharief and my sister can get their fuck on. All of a sudden Red has an important gig. The Chi-Lites and the fuckin' Pips. Gimme a break.”

“All right, girl. Remember,” Listra said, “no matter what you are my best friend in the whole world, but stop messing with Sharief. Believe it's you to catch in the end.”

“Bye girl,” Monica said, ignoring her friend's warning. They kissed each other on the cheek, and Monica left.

…… …

WHEN MONICA PULLED up in front of her mother's house, Starr, Red, and the girls were waiting outside for her. Monica couldn't believe her eyes. Starr was dressed in a long red skintight dress, showing off every single voluptuous curve that God had blessed her with. Starr wasn't the type to care about her love handles; as far as she was concerned that was a part of her beauty. Red's glow-in-the-dark yellow catsuit was supertight. And the cape that hung from it was trimmed in red feathers. His Afro looked as if it had been doctored up with jheri-curl juice and was now wet and stringy, hanging almost to his shoulders. He had a red-and-yellow feather tucked behind his ear and at first glance looked like a mix between
Nick Ashford and the black man from the Village People.
Oh my Lord
, Monica thought.

Looking at the girls, Monica could tell that Kayla had an attitude. Kayla walked to Monica's car, opened the door, and sat in the front seat. “Aunty, they look absolutely ridiculous.”

Kai and Kori kept laughing and pulling off the feathers that trimmed Red's cape. “Y'all stop it now!” Red growled. “Leave my cape alone.”

“Come on, Kai and Kori,” Kayla snapped, “get in the car!”

The twins ran over to the car with hands full of feathers. “Aunty Monica!” Kori said, “Pa-pa Red is a bird.” Kai fell out laughing. After a few minutes Monica started laughing. “We shouldn't be laughing, girls. What you're seeing there is a classic.”

Kayla rolled her eyes in her head. “Let's just leave, please.”

“Bye Ma and Red,” Monica said as they pulled off.

“Aunty,” Kayla said, “did my daddy call you?”

“No. Why?”

“Because I called him earlier to come and get us so we could go over my other grandma's house. He said he was coming. And when I called him back to tell him that we were going to your house, he didn't answer his phone.”

“He'll call back. Don't worry.”

“Aunty, can we order pizza?” Kori asked.

“I want Chinese!” Kai demanded.

“Shut up,” Kayla said, “we're getting Taco Bell. You'll eat a burrito and be quiet about it!”

Monica quickly looked at Kayla and then quickly back at the street. For a moment she thought Celeste was talking. “Don't talk to them like that!” she said to Kayla. “That's not nice. Now, what I suggest is that you apologize right now!”

“I'm sorry,” Kayla mumbled.

“You didn't mumble when you told them to shut up, miss, so don't mumble now.”

“I'm sorry,” Kayla said with tears in her eyes.

“Don't cry. You can have Taco Bell, just be a little nicer about it.”

“Okay,” she sniffed.

“Now, look,” Monica said to the girls, “we'll all get what we want and then we'll go back to my house and pig out!”

“Yeah! We did it! We did it!” Kai and Kori started to sing.

“I am so sick of them,” Kayla mumbled.

… … …

MONICA TOOK THE girls to get what they wanted to eat; on the way home she stopped by Junior's and grabbed a strawberry cheese-cake that she'd been craving since she'd left Patsy's. Back at home she and the girls took their clothes off and slipped pajamas on. “What DVD do you guys wanna watch?”

“I wanna see
Disappearing Acts
,” Kayla insisted. “My mommy says that my daddy acts like Franklin.”

“Your mother shouldn't tell you that,” Monica said. “We'll watch the Cheetah Girls. That's a little more appropriate.”

She sat down on the floor with the girls and started eating a slice of pizza. As she took the first bite she felt her stomach starting to rumble and her mouth beginning to water.
I'ma throw up
, she thought.
It was all that shit I ate earlier at Patsy's. Damn!
Monica got off the floor and walked to the bathroom as quickly as she could. She leaned over the toilet and started throwing up what felt like every particle of food she'd ever eaten in her life. Afterward she ran water in the sink, washed her mouth out, and splashed it in her face. When she looked in the mirror she saw Sharief standing behind her.