The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) (17 page)

I noticed the bachelor party had arrived at the bar. The music had quieted as all eyes had zeroed in on the drama being stirred up between Justin and me. Blake moved past Cole and shoved Justin hard enough for him to drop his hands off of me.

A roaring sounded in my ears and muted everything around me. Someone had yanked on the string and my carefully constructed world was rapidly unraveling before my eyes.

“Get out of here, man. I told you not to come,” Blake seethed.

Justin’s face turned an unnatural shade of purple as he glared at me. He took a step in my direction. “I don’t know what this lying bitch has said—”

“Excuse me, motherfucker, but that’s my bro’s girl you’re talking about,” Evan came up, standing on the other side of Cole.

Cole’s expression filled with rage. “Who the hell do you think you are? Casey is—”Justin didn’t let him finish. He said in a bored voice, “Casey is your girlfriend who I fucked… repeatedly in Atlantic City. What are you going to do about it, little boy?”

“Hey cocksucker, you think you can talk all big because you’re some steroid freak?" Evan sneered. "We learned a long-ass time ago how to deal with pricks like you: mob-style. You’re so damn lucky I don’t have a power drill handy.”

“Oh god, Casey, are you okay?” Autumn came out of nowhere and latched onto my arm. I looked down at her hand and tried to focus. The world had suddenly started spinning and I welcomed the disorienting feeling. Maybe I could drop in a dead faint and wake up in an alternate reality.

“What is going on, Casey?” Cole whispered harshly into my ear. Evan and Justin were still exchanging threats while Blake was trying to push Justin back. I was waiting for bouncers to break up the fight, but there were none to be seen in the small beach bar.

“I can’t do this,” I stuttered. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

“I did nothing wrong!” I heard Justin shout. My head shot up at the sound.

“Did nothing wrong? How about being a born loser? You dumbass, cough syrup addict. Last time I saw you, you were out back, downing bottle after bottle of Robitussin,” Evan spat at him. He was furious and I was surprised at his chivalry. As twisted as Evan could be, it was good to know he was at the very least loyal.

Justin noticed me looking his way. “Casey, call off your dogs. I’m sorry I was a dick about us sleeping together, but you wanted me that night just as much as I wanted you.”

Cole had reached his limit. He broke into a run and before anyone could grab him, pulled back his fist and slammed it violently into the center of Justin’s face. Instantly, I heard a loud crack over the clamor of the brawl and I was sure Justin’s nose was broken.

“Boom!” Evan yelled, moving around Cole and getting within inches of Justin’s face. Evan shoved Justin hard enough to make the football player stumble backwards and almost fall to the ground. “You’re fucking done, son.”

Justin began to charge at the brothers, but he had Blake and two other football players who had jumped in the fray to contend with. They held him back while Cole turned and began to stomp angrily away.

“I have to follow him,” I told Autumn in a panicked voice. Blake seemed to have the situation under control and I trusted him to keep Justin as far away from Cole and me as possible.

I broke through the crowd surrounding me and I saw Cole storming his way down the beach. His stride was fast and I had to run clumsily through the sand to catch up. I tripped over my own two feet as I dodged beach-goers. A few tourists watched us suspiciously, likely worrying how we could possibly ruin their time in paradise. Finally, I caught up to Cole at the edge of the beach.

“Cole! Wait!” I cried as he stepped out onto the sidewalk. A few taxis were driving his way and he lifted up his hand to hail one.

His breathing was labored as I neared him. I grabbed his forearm and tried to pull down his arm in order to stop him from disappearing into a cab. I couldn’t let him leave with the assumption I had wanted to sleep with Justin.

“Go away, Casey,” he said coldly.

“No. I thought we had gotten through the past. You told me we were moving on,” I said, trying to get out what I needed to say quickly. My chest heaved as my emotions started to choke my voice. “I admitted I made a terrible mistake and we were going to start over.”

“Well, I didn’t know that fucking mistake was coming on vacation with us,” he said, his nostrils flaring. “What, were you having a cozy drink together at the bar?” I opened up my mouth to protest, but he cut me short. “Don’t answer that. Honestly, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

“Cole—”

“Let me go, Casey. Because I’m about to say some fucked up shit right now that can’t be taken back,” he said, yanking his arm away.

“I’m sorry. I thought he wasn’t coming. But Justin does whatever the hell he wants and showed up at the bar. I had no idea he would be there,” I said quickly.

Cole’s arms curled into fists at the sides. “
Him
? Really? You couldn’t give me a heads up that I knew the guy you fucked in AC. And out of all Blake’s friends, you pick a total dick who treats women like they’re his own personal fuck toys? Maybe you’re more like your mom than you think.”

I stumbled back and placed a hand over my heart. In a tear-choked whisper, I said, “Don’t say that.”

Cole’s resentments were inexhaustible. They made him into someone I didn’t recognize. He wasn’t the same man who had told me just the day before he would fight for us all day long.

A brief look of contrition passed over his face. “I told you to walk away.”

“Why would you even say something like that?”

“Because I overheard the talks with your mom when we were together. She practically told you to wrap yourself in a pretty little bow for one of Blake’s teammates. Do you think she was happy to see you dating a bass player without a record deal? And isn’t your mom a professional trophy wife? What number husband is she on these days?”

“Go to hell,” I breathed out.

His eyes looked over my head, focused on the Caribbean Sea. “This was a mistake. I saw you and when you’re around, you’re all I see. I thought I could be fine with what happened. I could put the whole incident in a locked box inside my head and never open it again. But that’s never going to happen. I’ll always wonder what’s wrong with me. How did I not measure up? Why did you have to sleep with another man?”

“Please talk to me. Please let me explain. I know that I should have told you that it was Justin sooner. But I was so afraid of losing you again,” I said, feeling the tears start to slide down my cheeks.

“I’ve known all along that this couldn’t be real. That something so good couldn’t last long.” As he shot his arm up to signal a cab, I saw him give me a sidelong glance. “I can’t do this anymore, Casey. I’m sorry. It’s too much.”

My heart shattered as a taxi stopped at the curb and he started to walk away from me. I tried to think of what to say to stop him, but all my explanations stayed trapped inside of me. I couldn’t make sense of the night. The r-word felt wrong. If I told him I was raped, it might sound like a ploy to get him to forgive me. Until I could accept the wrongness of what was done to me, I was stuck with him assuming I willingly went to bed with Justin.

He didn’t look back as he climbed inside the taxi and slammed the door shut. I stood immobile, trying to not fall to the ground and collapse from heartbreak and grief. The back windows of the cab were tinted, but I saw his silhouette as he turned to face me. I couldn’t make out his expression, but I wondered if he could see the broken shell he was leaving behind. His words had stolen away the second chance I had found in his arms again.

He stayed unmoving, looking out at me as the cab pulled out into traffic. The moment felt final, like our story was ending right that second on a curb in Barbados. There would be no more heated kisses and whispered promises. No more to our story. And although the heartbreak and sadness threatened to tear me to pieces, the rage was there.

The fury was not solely reserved for Justin. I also raged against Cole. So angry over his ability to walk away and not fight for what we could have. Wasn’t what we had worth it? How could he so carelessly compare me to my mother? He had reached right down into my psyche and pulled out my biggest fear. My mother switched husbands almost as often as she switched handbags. I would never be her. Couldn’t Cole see he had my love all along?

They never seemed to end—the ways I was forced to say goodbye to Cole over and over again.

Chapter Nineteen

My heart had hardened as I stomped back to the beach bar. I had no clue of the rage that lived within me. There was the familiar desire to return to being catatonic. Because that’s what I’d been like since the morning I left Justin’s hotel room. But that nothingness was much worse than anything else. My eyes were dry and my head clear as I came close enough to see a bloodied Justin sitting on the sand outside the bar with two of his Warriors teammates acting as sentries. Justin spat out blood as I neared him.

Blake’s friend Cupcake spoke first. “Everyone is inside waiting for you. A car is coming to take Justin back to the airport.”

“I need to talk to him… alone,” I said.

Cupcake gave me a careful look. “I don’t think that’s smart. Preston asked us to make sure his ass gets on a plane so he doesn’t stir up any more shit.”

“I’m fine,” I said and gestured to a bench a few yards away. “Sit tight over there for a few minutes. This won’t take long.”

Cupcake nodded, but he didn’t leave until he shot Justin a warning look. His friend followed suit and their eyes stayed level on Justin as they crossed the sand. Their bodies stayed tense as they took a seat on the nearby bench.

“What do you want?” Justin asked. His voice was thick, since his swelling nose and all the blood had taken a toll. There was something wrong in his eyes—a soullessness more scary than any sign of rage.

I remained standing as he glared at me. I was tempted to give him a swift kick in the balls. I knew the guys were close by and I’d get away without any retaliation from Justin. Instead, I snapped, “You owe me an explanation about that night. I’ve been miserable for the past six months and I’m starting to realize that maybe it was never my fault.”

Justin’s voice was derisive. “I don’t owe you shit. You got what you wanted that night.
A story
. The ability to tell everyone about that one time you fucked an NFL player.”

“You’re delusional. And I’m going to figure out what happened between us. My eyes have been closed for too long. They are wide open right now and I’ll find out the truth.”

“What truth? The truth is that you’re fucking poison.”

“I think that whole bit about not remembering we hooked up was a ploy,” I hissed. I think you know exactly what happened. And I have this horrible feeling you had something to do with me blacking out. My gut is also telling me I said no,”

Justin looked over at his teammates before smirking in my direction. “Prove it, bitch.”

“You’re a goddamn sociopath,” I snapped back. His words felt like verbal blows, but I allowed them to bounce off of me. “It’s about power with you. That’s how you get off, reducing girls into meaningless objects. I didn’t want you and you couldn’t handle it.”

“I can get any girl I want. Do you really think I need to force anyone into my bed?” he demanded, his cheeks turning crimson. “Now, get your dumb slutty blonde ass out of here.”

I gave him a withering stare before motioning the guys to return. He was trying to make me crumble, make me doubt myself. He wanted to break me down and I would never again let him do that to me.

The truth was ugly. But I wouldn’t run from it for a second longer. All the lies, the half-truths, the false assumptions—they were what drove Cole away. How could I expect him to have unshakeable faith in me when I couldn’t even look at myself in the morning?

And I took back the rage and pointed it back at me. What kind of girl was I? I had prided myself on being the strong one in our inner circle: the outspoken feminist and comfortable with my sexuality.

Why hadn’t I woken up sooner? Months had gone by and I never once questioned why the idea of sex suddenly felt repellent to me. Or ask myself how after years of having a high tolerance for alcohol, I found myself blacking out after a handful of drinks?

I had seen right and wrong so easily before. And if a friend had told me that she had blacked out and woken up naked in some man’s bed, I wouldn’t have asked her the questions I had posed to myself. Had I asked for it? Did I dress too sexily or act a certain way that led him on?

My toxic logic was ending right that second. If I hated myself, how could I expect a relationship with Cole to work? Until I tackled the trauma surrounding that night with Justin, there was no moving forward. And as much as I wanted to die inside to even have the thought, I was grateful to Cole for walking away. When it came to Cole, I had no willpower. I’d stay in his arms and allow him to shield me from all the darkness. But Cole wasn’t a bandage I could bleed through. We would never last. And I wanted us to last. I wanted it so bad that I’d willingly go through the hell that was surely to come on my path to healing.

As much as I craved Cole with every piece of my soul, I would leave him alone. For all intents and purposes, the vacation was over. We had one more day at sea and then we were back on a flight to Fairfort. Back to our lives. And although I had the desire to fix things with Cole first, I couldn’t. There were monsters residing in my soul. And all that time I had pretended they weren’t there, only made them stronger, more determined to destroy me.

Cole needed the truth, but so did I. And as soon as I worked through what had happened six months ago, I would try everything in my power to fix us. My biggest fear, however, was that I would be too late.