The Extremely Epic Viking Tale of Yondersaay (14 page)

“‘Her name?’

“‘Yes. What is your daughter called?’

“‘Her name is, uh, she’s called, um …’

“‘Yes?’ asked Dudo.

“‘Brunhilda.’

“‘You seem uncertain.’

“‘No, no, her name is Brunhilda. Hilly to me, her father, her daddio, her pops …’

“‘Allrighty then,’ Dudo said. ‘I shall herewith ask the beautiful, what was it again?’

“‘Brunhilda. Brunhilda Thunder Thighs.’

“‘The beautiful Brunhilda Thunder Thighs on a date. Righto then. Off I go. I’m going. I’m heading in the direction of your house right now to ask, um, Brunhilda on a date. Here I go.’ And the king walked off in the direction of the jarl’s dwelling place, found the beautiful Brunhilda, and asked her if she fancied going for a stroll. Brunhilda smiled coyly and said she would. She went inside to get her handbag—

“Oh no, wait! Handbags weren’t invented yet. Do you want to know when handbags were invented?” Granny asked.

“
Noooo
!” both Ruairi and Dani said at once.

“He’s not really going on a date with the other one, is he?” Ruairi asked.

“Well, let’s see,” Granny said. “The king asked Brunhilda Thunder Thighs out for a stroll—there was a promenade along the harbor wall, just like there is now, only there weren’t so many people inline skating and cycling along it then as there are now, obviously, it being winter.”

“And inline skates not having been invented yet. Yes, we get it, Granny.” Dani rolled her eyes.

“Oh, now, my dear, young great-great-great-granddaughter, you are quite wrong there. Inline skates were invented by the Yondersaay Vikings not too long before this outing of Dudo and Brunhilda’s. They were all the rage. They were invented one foggy spring morning—”

“Granny!” Dani shouted.

Granny stopped and raised her eyebrows at her. “You wouldn’t like me to tell you how they were invented?”

“Not really,” Dani said.

“Your loss,” Granny said.

“But you’re sure, Granny?”

“About what, Ruairi?”

“About inline skates. Are you sure they weren’t invented a lot more recently that that?”

“Absolutely. We’ll go down to the Yondersaay museum tomorrow, and I’ll show you the fossilized remnants of inline skates made from bone, stone, and iron. It is commonly known that those guys who ‘invented’ inline skates in the eighties had been on holiday on Yondersaay the week before,” Granny said, outraged now.

“Suspicious,” Ruairi said, narrowing his eyes.

“Very suspicious,” Granny said, narrowing her eyes right back. “Anyhoo, back to Dudo and his date. The beautiful, ebony-haired, thunder-thighed Brunhilda ran inside. She said she was going to retrieve her
handle-bagorium
, as handbags were called then, but really she had Ursula help her brush out her long hair and dab some of the red dye powder they used in fabric dyeing onto her high cheeks and her full lips. Ursula squeezed her arm and wished her good luck.”

“No, I don’t believe it Granny!” Ruairi said. “Ursula can’t have wished Brunhilda good luck! She’s got to be her mortal enemy! Dudo is her Heart’s True Love! He has to be! So how can she be wishing Brunhilda luck? Did she poison the dye? Or put a snake in the handle-bagorium?”

“You’ll have to wait and see, Ruairi, but don’t bet on it,” Granny said. Ruairi was confused. “It’s real life. I keep telling you. You can’t expect them to break into a catfight just because a handsome man turns up at their village. That’s not realistic. Besides, Ursula has paid no attention to Dudo this whole time. And you must remember, King Dudo wants to possess the island of Yondersaay above all else. He’s been dreaming about this his entire life, and now here it is, his for the taking. Who says Dudo is Ursula’s Heart’s True Love, and who says Dudo is even fussed about finding his anymore?” Granny asked.

“I’m not convinced,” Dani said. “I want to hear more, Granny. I’m with Ruairi on the poison and the snake. Ursula won’t take this lying down!”

“We’ll see,” Granny said, “but I don’t know. I hope you won’t be disappointed. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Unbeknownst to both women, while Ursula was helping Brunhilda get ready for her stroll, the king was spying on them.

“He was peering into the dwelling place through a slat in the window covering. He scrutinized Ursula’s face. He had hoped when he saw her there, helping her mistress get ready for a date, that she would be at least a little bit jealous. She didn’t look jealous, and he could detect no ill feeling between the two women whatsoever.

“‘Huh!’ King Dudo thought. ‘Just as well. She was not pretending; she has no interest in me after all. It really will be easy to give the beautiful heiress all my wooing attention. I shall woo her good,’ he decided.

“Brunhilda emerged a moment later, radiant. She truly was a magnificent-looking woman. She smiled sweetly at the king as she held up her hand for him to kiss.

“‘Sheesh,’ King Dudo thought. ‘She may have been brought up in a tiny habitation on an island in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of farmers, peasants, and fishermen, but she sure does know how this wooing business works.’

“The king and Brunhilda walked slowly along the promenade chatting amiably. It started out a bit awkwardly, as these things often do, but once they’d established that Brunhilda’s favorite color was blue and Dudo’s was yellow, and that they were both evening people as opposed to morning people, their conversation ambled along quite affably.

“They found that they had rather a lot in common, all things considered. Very soon they were perfectly comfortable in each other’s company. Any silences were easily filled with talk about the weather or the choppiness of the waves coming in to shore. Their conversation didn’t get very deep, mind you, but it was pleasant enough, and importantly, it was not strained.

“‘I suppose you miss your homeland?’ Brunhilda ventured as they reached the pier.

“‘Not really,’ King Dudo said. ‘I like seeing new lands and meeting new people.’

“‘What a coincidence!’ Brunhilda responded. ‘Me too!’

“‘How wonderful!’ King Dudo replied.

“As King Dudo and Brunhilda strolled contentedly along the promenade, they heard ecstatic screeches of laughter coming close up behind them.

“‘Watch out!’ cried a voice but too late. A startled Brunhilda jumped off the path just as two people, hysterically laughing, hurtled up to them on inline skates. One of them was a big, strong, handsome man, and he was holding the hand of a woman.

“A red-haired woman. Ursula.

“King Dudo wasn’t fast enough. The woman crashed straight into him. He tumbled head over toes down the steep incline at the side of the promenade. He found himself lying flat on his back at the bottom of the little hill. He was just about to right himself when Ursula flopped on top of him. The strong, handsome young man, meanwhile, came to a toppling halt a little way up the path, and Brunhilda ran to see if he was hurt.

Face to face at last, albeit lying down and in a very odd position, King Dudo seized the opportunity and addressed the woman from the ice. “‘Hi. I’m Dudo,’ he said as Ursula jumped up.

“‘Yes, I know.’ She smiled and leaned a hand down to help him up.

“‘We’ve met before.’

“‘Yes, you’re the man who said,
Well, hello there
, when I was doing laundry in the brook.’

“‘That was not our first meeting.’

Ursula, looking away, absently twiddled her necklace.

“‘I believe you saved my life.’

“‘It was nothing.’

“‘
Ha
! So you admit it! It
was
you! You were on the ice. There was a bear and then there was you—’

“‘Hurry up, Ursula!’ the strong, handsome man, who happened to have the nicest set of pristine white teeth Dudo had ever seen, called from the promenade.

“‘I’m afraid I have to go,’ she said and made her way up the verge with great difficulty; she was wearing inline skates after all. Once she hit the path, she bladed off, and she and the strong, handsome man with perfect white teeth glided away hand in hand toward the harbor.

“King Dudo straightened himself and strode to where Brunhilda waited patiently on the promenade. ‘Who was that?’ King Dudo asked Brunhilda.

“‘You know who that is—that’s my mis—I mean, my servant girl, Ursula, the one who toils for us. In the fields and in the home. She’s a servant. She toils.’

“‘No, I mean the man. Who is the man?’

“‘Oh, him. That’s Thorar the Smoldering. He is the jar—I mean, my father’s right-hand man.’

“‘I see. And are they betrothed?’

“‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. He is probably just wooing her. She gets wooed a lot.’

“‘She does, eh? I shall take you home now, Brunhilda,’ said Dudo and strode purposefully back the way they had just come.

“‘What? Oh, if you say so.’ Brunhilda ran after King Dudo. ‘That was a quick date. You only picked me up ten minutes ago.’

“‘Yes, well, I realize now that I have not been doing this right. We need to have more
fun
!’

“‘That’s great … I think …’

“‘I will pick you up here tomorrow. At daybreak!’ King Dudo announced with much gravitas and vehemence. ‘And we shall have
fun
!’”

Granny stretched herself out on the sofa where she had been since the tree was trimmed to everyone’s satisfaction. She sipped the cocoa Mum brought her and snuggled her feet deeper into her cozy slippers.

“It’s going less than nicely for Dudo and Brunhilda, is it, Granny?” Ruairi said, slyly.

“Not what you’d call a great first date,” Dani said, grinning.

“Maybe he’ll ditch Brunhilda and try Ursula instead,” Ruairi said.

“It’s not like Dudo to give up, now, is it? He is tenacious, and he has set his mind on wooing Brunhilda,” Granny said with finality.

“We’ll see,” Dani said.

“Yeah, Granny,” Ruairi said. “We’ll see.”

“The next morning, a beautiful Brunhilda Thunder Thighs emerged from her dwelling place to find a beaming King Dudo waiting for her. He had two pairs of inline skates.

“‘Are you ready for the best date of your life?’ he asked an uncertain-looking Brunhilda.

“‘Sure, but have you ever skated before, my liege? It’s not as easy as it looks. Perhaps we should get you some padding—’

“‘Nonsense! I have faced the toughest enemies and tamed the most vicious beasts. I have braved the stormiest seas and climbed the most forbidding peaks. I shall take to skating like a baby dragon takes to barbecuing.’

“‘If you say so.’

“Five minutes later, Brunhilda was doing loop de loops and pirouettes around Dudo on the path while Dudo moved along inch by inch, his arms outstretched, his feet barely moving. He had his winged golden helmet on and had
downdles
strapped to his elbows and knees.

“‘Yes, I’m getting the hang of it now. See?’ He gave Brunhilda a huge smile. ‘I haven’t fallen once in at least two minutes,’ he said as his left leg shot out in front of him and his right leg shot out behind. He did windmills with his arms and managed to balance precariously inches from the ground. Brunhilda rolled her eyes and went to his rescue.

“‘Perhaps you were right, Brunhilda. Perhaps a picnic in the forest is the way to go. We’ve hardly chatted at
all.
I want to get to
know
you,’ Dudo said.

“A short while later Brunhilda and Dudo wandered within the shelter of the thousands of trees in the Crimson Forest, and Brunhilda set out a blanket for them in a clearing. They sat and chatted. ‘Yes,’ thought Dudo, ‘this woman is very sweet and very calming. I can be at ease with her. Perhaps she is right for me after all.’ He decided that now, a mere two days before Brunhilda was to sail out of his life possibly forever, now was the time to propose. He moved in front of Brunhilda and was just about to arrange himself so that he was on one knee when, from high above, came sounds of screeching laughter very similar to what he and Brunhilda had heard on the path the day before. Turning and looking up what should they see but Ursula and Thorar the Smoldering floating through the air with giant eagle wings strapped to their arms. They had jumped off the top of Volcano Mount Violaceous, which was rumbling and spewing softly in the background.