The Facts of Life and Death (30 page)

Ruby had all questions and no answers.

And one was bigger and more painful than them all.

Why doesn’t Daddy love me any more?

Tears scorched her eyes.

Then Ruby got up, took her diary from her pony backpack and hid it under her mattress.

She wasn’t even sure why.

CALVIN BRIDGE BROKE
up with Shirley.

He couldn’t believe he had the guts to do it, and – from the look on her face – she couldn’t believe it either.

‘What do you
mean
?’

‘I mean, I don’t want us to be together any more.’

‘But we’re getting
married
!’

‘I’m not.’

‘What do you mean,
I’m not?’

‘I mean I’m not getting married. Sorry. I should have told you sooner, but, y’know …’

‘But
why
?’

‘Because—’ he started, and then wondered whether he should tell her the truth or not. He had no desire to hurt Shirley any more than he already was. But he couldn’t think quickly enough to come up with a plausible lie, so the truth it had to be.

‘Because I’m just not that . . .
enthusiastic
about it.’

‘About the wedding?’ said Shirley, in a voice that let him know that although she was trying to be understanding, she had no inkling of how anyone could not be enthusiastic about a
wedding.

‘About any of it really,’ he confessed. ‘I’m not enthusiastic about the wedding. Or the children or the corduroy sofa or the idea of being together for the next sixty years when I haven’t even
done
anything with my life yet. I mean, I’m only twenty-four.’

‘What do you mean, you haven’t done anything with your life?’ snapped Shirley. ‘
This
is what we’re doing with our lives! We’ve been together for years and we love each other and we want to share our lives and now we’re getting married and that’s what people
do
, Calvin! People get
married
and then they have
children
and they work together to bring them
up.
That
is
life! That’s what life
is
!’

‘Yeah,’ said Calvin doubtfully. ‘But I’m not crazy about it, that’s all. I mean, it’s not really what I want for
my
life. Not right now, anyway.’

‘If it’s not what you want, Calvin, then why did you ask me to marry you?’

‘I didn’t.
You
asked
me.’

‘Then why did you say yes, you
idiot?’

Calvin paused and then figured
In for a penny, in for a pound
and said, ‘Because if I’d said no you’d have been all upset, and the Italian Grand Prix had just started.’

Shirley slammed the book of swatches shut so hard and so close to his face that she nearly pressed Calvin’s nose like a Victorian flower.

‘You bastard!’ she shouted.
‘Get out!
’

‘But it’s—’

‘GET OUT!’ she shrieked, and heaved the book at his head. It landed splayed open on the floor behind him.

‘But it’s my flat,’ Calvin pointed out cautiously.

That’s when Shirley started screaming. Everything up until then had been mild by comparison. All Calvin could do was stand there and wait for it to end, while Shirley gathered up random wedding things in her arms, weeping and yelling and red in the face.

The fact that he could muster only mild concern for her heartbreak was all the proof Calvin needed that he really didn’t love her after all.

At least he’d learned that.

It didn’t stop the break-up being bloody awful, but when it was all over and Shirley and all the wedding things had left his flat for good, Calvin Bridge felt a lovely sense of calm.

For a few minutes he stood in the middle of his living room, just looking around him at the sheer absence of Shirley, while his banished existence crept slowly back towards him from every corner of the flat.

Then he turned on the second half of England
versus
San Marino and settled down on his leather sofa to live the rest of his life.

AFTER MUMMY WENT
to work the next night, Daddy came into Ruby’s bedroom.

‘Panda’s looking tired, Rubes.’

Ruby didn’t even look up from
TeenBeatz.

‘No,’ she replied. ‘He’s fine.’

‘What?’ said Daddy, cocking his head as if he’d heard her wrong.

‘Panda’s fine. I’m not going on the posse.’

‘But you’re my deputy,’ said Daddy, then did his cowboy voice. ‘Cain’t go on no posse without my deputy.’

Ruby didn’t smile. She shrugged. ‘I’m not a deputy. I don’t even have a badge.’

‘I told you. I talked to the others about that. They said you can have a badge. But they take a while because they come from America. Because they’re like
real
deputy badges, not toy ones.’

‘You didn’t tell me.’ She shrugged again. ‘But I don’t care.’

Daddy leaned against the door-frame and looked at his fingernails. ‘You feeling sick, Rubes?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I just don’t want to go.’ She pretended to keep reading.
How to get a date with the cutest guy in school.
There were no cute guys in her school, but still.

‘There must be a reason,’ said Daddy. ‘You scared?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m just not going any more.’

She turned on her side and curled her back towards the door. She waited for the creak of Daddy walking away, but it didn’t come.

It was completely silent.

Completely still.

Suddenly Ruby missed the whine of the bathroom window. It masked so much bad stuff, she realized now. She wished she’d never fixed it. Daddy hadn’t even
noticed
, and Mummy had just told her off about the glue on the bathroom carpet.

‘You know,’ Daddy said slowly, ‘Whippy was talking about Tonto.’

Ruby said nothing, but her ears pricked.

‘He told me he’s getting too old to ride any more. He said he might be looking for a new home for Tonto.’

Ruby’s tummy fluttered the way it used to when she approached the paddock.
Maybe. Maybe
. . . She pushed it down. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

Daddy detached himself from the door-frame and wandered towards her. ‘I told him I knew an empty paddock where Tonto might be able to live. And a little girl who would be happy to look after him and ride him every day.’

Daddy stopped at the side of the bed – looming over her. ‘What do you think of
that
?’

Ruby felt tears stinging her eyes and it took all her strength not to crack and throw herself into his arms and smother him with kisses. Daddy had hurt her and now she had to hurt him back, otherwise what was the point?

‘I don’t care,’ she said flatly. ‘I don’t even
like
horses any more.’

There was a long, awful silence, and then Daddy snorted bitterly. ‘I’m disappointed in you.’

Ruby’s heart broke.

Never in a million zillion years had Ruby Trick ever thought she’d hear her Daddy say those words. After everything she’d done for him.

Her lips went all funny. ‘I’m disappointed in you!’ she shouted, and started to sob.

‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘Cry like a girl.’

‘I’m
not
!’ she cried like a girl.

‘Yes, you are. A stupid little girl. Look at this bollocks you’re reading.’ He picked
TeenBeatz
off her bed and shook it. ‘Stupid slutty shite. I thought you were my little cowboy. But you’re turning into a fucking slut, just like your mother.’

‘Shut up!’

‘You
shut up!’

Daddy had never smacked her, but Ruby flinched as he leaned down suddenly – his face only inches from hers. She could smell the cider on his breath and see the smooth puckers of the scars around his eye, gone white in his red face.

‘Now,’ said Daddy, low and tight, ‘put your fucking
Panda
to bed.’

He walked out of the room and down the stairs.

Ruby sat up, her whole world shaking around her.

She wished Mummy was here.

She wished Daddy wasn’t.

But she was too scared not to do as he said.

Ruby didn’t talk to Daddy. Not from the minute she sat down in the front seat and he said, ‘Where’s your cushion, Deputy?’

He was trying to make things normal. She wasn’t going to let him. She said nothing and didn’t even look at him, and he said, ‘Be like that,’ and then reversed off the wet cobbles and drove up the long dark hill out of Limeburn.

Ruby didn’t look out of the window for the killer and Daddy didn’t remind her to.

She hated him.

More than she’d ever hated Mummy. More than she’d ever hated Em or Essie Littlejohn – that’s how much she hated Daddy.

Tears fizzed up her nose again and she wiped her eyes hard. Daddy didn’t care that she was crying. He didn’t even look at her. He didn’t love her.

They were on their second circuit when Daddy indicated and pulled over to pick up the first woman.

The window grunted down beside Ruby and the rain came in.

‘Hi,’ said Daddy. ‘Can we give you a ride?’

The woman looked at Ruby. Ruby was used to that now. They all did that. Ruby didn’t smile.

‘Umm,’ said the woman, and gave a little laugh and looked up and down the road. They all did that, too. Ruby wondered what they were all looking for. A better offer?

‘OK, thanks.’ The woman smiled. She was about Mummy’s age and was wearing jeans and an anorak. She wore glasses that went up in the corners like a cat’s eyes.

‘I live in Torrington,’ she said. ‘Are you sure that’s OK?’

Torrington was nine miles away through a winding road overhung with trees.

‘Yeah, fine,’ said Daddy. ‘You don’t want to be waiting for a bus in this rain. Jump in the back, Rubes.’

Ruby was so used to jumping in the back now that her arms and legs almost moved by themselves – and when she stopped them, they tingled, as if surprised.

‘In the back, Ruby. Chop-chop. The lady’s getting wet.’

Ruby stayed exactly where she was.

Fuck him. That’s what she thought, even though she was a little bit ashamed of using the F word, even in her head.

Fuck him.

Daddy took hold of her arm and gave it a tug to get her moving, but Ruby pulled away from his hand.

The woman’s smile faltered. ‘Are you OK, sweetheart?’ she said to Ruby.

‘She’s fine,’ said Daddy. ‘Jump in.’

‘Oh, that’s OK,’ the woman said, straightening up. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘No, it’s fine,’ said Daddy. ‘Ruby! Get in the back!’

She didn’t budge.

‘Don’t worry,’ said the woman. ‘Really. The bus will be along soon.’ She started to walk away from the car.

‘She’ll move,’ said Daddy. ‘She’s just being a brat!’ He grabbed at Ruby again, but she leaned against the door and folded her arms tight across her aching chest.

But the woman wasn’t coming back. She walked away and crossed the road, glancing back frequently over her shoulder.

Ruby put the window up. It took ages to squeal and judder its way to the top.

She and Daddy sat there together while the engine idled and the rain drummed on the roof.

Ruby was glad she hadn’t moved. It served Daddy right. The woman had been nice and maybe she was safer on the bus.

Daddy leaned in so close to her face that when she turned her head away she could feel his breath on her ear.

‘You’ll be sorry.’

Ruby trembled, but she didn’t turn round, and eventually Daddy’s breath drew off, leaving her ear damp and cold.

He drove fast towards home. So fast that Ruby clutched the sides of the seat.

A few miles from Limeburn, he jammed on the brakes next to a little wooden bus shelter, and then swung the car down a steep, narrow lane between high hedges.

At the foot of the hill was the hotel where Mummy worked.

Daddy drove slowly past the entrance, then turned around and parked close to the hedge, in the piles of wet brown leaves that had drifted there.

Ruby didn’t know what they were doing and she wouldn’t ask.

They were there for ages. Half an hour, at least, and Ruby’s teeth were chattering by the time they saw the yellow slit of a door opening and Mummy came out.

There was a man inside, saying goodbye to her.

He was an older man, with greying hair and a beard. His ears stuck out, just like Essie Littlejohn’s, so Ruby guessed that it was her father.

Mr Littlejohn raised a hand in goodbye and Mummy opened her umbrella and started walking away from the car – up the hill towards the main road and the bus stop.

Daddy started the car and they drove slowly up the lane behind her.

Mummy heard them coming and stepped close to the hedge so they could pass in the narrow lane. She didn’t know it was them, of course, because they were in darkness, but she was illuminated so brightly by the headlights that Ruby felt as though she were seeing her mother for the first time – as if she were a complete stranger.

She was thin, and her skin looked very white. Her old brown coat was belted tightly around her waist, and already her jeans were wet up to the shins from walking in the wet lane. Her umbrella had one broken strut so that it dropped and flapped on one side.