The Fading Trilogy: Fading, Freeing, Falling: Includes 2 BONUS short stories: Hoping and Finding Forever (39 page)

The room is quiet except for the breaths flowing in and out of my lungs. When I look over at Ms. Emerson, she's walking toward me. Standing in front of me, she says without any inflection in her voice, "That's better."

She says nothing else, and turns to walk out of the room. When the door closes behind her, I let out a puff of breath and allow myself the relief of a huge smile. Replaying her words, those two simple words, in my head, I spend the next hour dancing and feeling. Even though I am feeling someone else's pain, I'm still feeling.

When I leave the studio and get into my car, I decide to stop by the loft and surprise Ryan before he has to go into work for the night.

"Hey, babe!" Ryan says when he opens the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you before you left for work."

Picking me up in his arms, I laugh before he kisses me.

"I've missed you this week," he says as he sets me back down.

"Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won't be living in the studio."

"Candace!"

Leaning over to look around Ryan, I see Gavin walking over.

"Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?"

"Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan."

I look back at Ryan and say, "I'm sorry, I should have called before stopping by."

Gavin grabs my hand and pulls me inside. "Wanna beer?"

"Um, no."

Walking past me, Ryan says, "I'll get you a water."

"Thanks." I love that he knows exactly what I need without having to ask.

Gavin and I sit down in front of the TV where they have been watching
SportsCenter
.

Pointing the neck of his beer bottle to my head, he jokes, "What's with the hair, grandma?"

"Don't be a dick," Ryan says as he hands me a bottle of water and sits down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. "I was in the dance studio all day," I say and then take a long drink of water.

"How'd that go?" Ryan asks. He knows I've been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.

"It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo."

"Really? That's great, babe."

"Well, actually all she said was 'that's better'
but coming from her, that's huge."

"You coming out with us tonight?" Gavin asks me.

"Umm," I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin's talking about.

"Gavin's just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that's all."

"Oh," I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. "No, I've got plans."

I feel left out of Ryan's life with his friends. I know it's my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it's just me being over-sensitive, but I can't help the feeling of being left out.

"What are you doing?" Ryan asks.

"I'm going to Jase's to hang out. We haven't had a lot of time to see each other lately."

"Come with me to my office before you go," he says as he stands up and takes my hand.

"If you guys are gonna fuck, I'm out," Gavin says.

"Dude!" Ryan snaps at him.

Shrugging his shoulders, he says, "What? It wouldn't be the first time."

I look at him in disbelief when he says, "Just sayin'," as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.

Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the door, caging me in.

"Sorry about that. The guy has no filter."

The fact that he isn't denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won't let me do that. I can't even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.

"Candace," he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.

He drops his head and sighs, "I'm sorry."

"Did you really do that?"

Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he's ashamed to answer me.

He nods his head and says, "Yes."

I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn't know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don't share.

Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, "Is that what you want?"

He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.

"No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me."

"That's the problem, though. I can't give you what they could."

"You give me everything." Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. "You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you're ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won't be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them."

He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I'm also upset for me, that I can't give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.

"I shouldn't be upset. I didn't know you then."

"You have every right to be upset."

Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don't want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.

"I've missed you," he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. "Stay with me tonight?"

Parting our lips from each other, I whisper, "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I promised Jase I'd stay with him."

Ryan lets out a deep sigh, hanging his head down, and I know he's frustrated, but I don't ask. I haven't spent the night with him since last Sunday, and I'm sure it's bothering him.

"You have to work anyway," I say.

"I want you in my bed when I get home."

I release my hands from his neck and look down, feeling guilty, that I'm not giving him the closeness that he wants. I know he'd prefer moving this a lot faster than we are, but I feel like I'm pushing myself as it is.

"Ryan..." I whisper.

"I know," he says as he leans his forehead against mine.

I know he doesn't really understand my feelings of apprehension, and it hurts me that he's feeling this way because of me.

I cup his cheeks and pull up on my toes, pressing my lips into his, and when I do, he holds my head in his hands as well. We hold the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away.

"I should go."

"I'll walk you out."

We walk through the house and Gavin looks up and asks, "You heading out already?"

"Yeah, I gotta go."

"Good seeing you again."

I smile and turn toward the door with Ryan and say goodbye.

"Ryan's frustrated with me."

"What makes you say that?" Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he's making.

"I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we've been together for a few months and haven't done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me."

"But he hasn't said anything?"

"No, I don't think he would though."

"Do you trust him?"

Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, "Yeah, but I'm scared he's going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It's only natural, right?"

"No, it's not. It's not like that. You're someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you."

I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, "What?"

"God, Jase, you think he loves me?"

"Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you." He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. "Why do you look so surprised?"

"Because, I just...I mean..."

"Do you love him?"

"Jase!"

"Seriously. Do you?"

"At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean...I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I'm scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else."

"What are you so scared of?"

"Everything."

He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, "Explain to me what
everything
is."

I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. "I'm scared I might freak out on him, and he'll think I'm weird and won't want to waste his time with me. I'm scared I'm not enough for him. I'm worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he'll be disgusted by me. And I'm scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I'm left hurt?"

"If that does happen, you'll be okay. You're strong. I know you don't see it, but I do. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel like it."

"You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn't make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn't like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up."

"But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It's true."

"What did he say?"

I don't tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, "He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that's really been bothering me."

I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, "So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn't be the first time Ryan has done that."

"God."

"I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn't say anything else."

"That's probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?"

"I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I'm hanging out there."

"That sucks, but you can't think about all that. It's just going to eat at you."

I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, "I know," so that none of it falls out of my mouth.

Laughing at me, he jokes, "Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?"

We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.

After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don't have that with anyone else. He's seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.