The Faerie War (33 page)

Is this love? And if it is, am I genuinely feeling it, or am I only feeling it because I know I’m
supposed
to love him? And does it even matter why, or does it only matter that I
am
feeling it?

Oh freaking goodness, I think I might be sick. Is this what love is like? It freaks your insides out so much it makes you want to hurl? Or are these just nerves? Nerves because I want to be wrapped in the arms of the guy sitting across from me who knows more about me than anyone else?

I drop my hands from my face at the sound of liquid splashing. I see spurts of water jumping up from the river and purple sparks zipping around and around the trees’ branches. Startled, I pull myself away from the edge of the boat. The sparks and water spurts vanish.

“Wait,” Ryn says, holding a hand up and watching me closely with a dazzling smile. “Feel that again.”

I start laughing. I can’t help it. What he just said is so bizarre, so
him
. No one else would ever say that because no one else would know what I just felt. I cover my face again in an attempt to stop the crazy giggles. I feel a hand gently pulling my own hands away from my face. I find Ryn kneeling in front of me, also laughing. As our mirth subsides, my eyes lock with his. He cups my face with both his hands. I think there’s a question in his gaze. Whatever it is, I hope my eyes are saying yes.
Yes, yes, whatever you’re asking of me, yes.

He leans closer to me, his eyes on my lips now. He seems to be taking an awfully long time to get there, and I wonder if he’s giving me a chance to back away, if that’s what I want.

It isn’t.

With only a smidgen of space left between us, he hesitates. “Are you going to stop me?” he murmurs, his voice barely audible.

I give a slight shake of my head.
Stop
him? No. Freaking. Way.

His lips touch mine. Hesitant. Soft. A thrill runs through my body. I slide my hands around his neck and into his hair, pulling him closer to me. My mouth opens against his as our kiss grows in urgency, and I swear I can feel sparks dancing across my tongue. I lean back against the cushions, drawing him down with me. His body moves against mine. His hand slides down over my waist, my hip, my thigh. He grips my leg and wraps it around his waist. As he trails his lips along my jaw, I press myself even closer to him and slip my hands beneath the back of his T-shirt. My fingers tingle as I skim them across his bare skin.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he murmurs before pressing a kiss below my ear. With the leg that’s wrapped around his waist, I force him to roll over. I straddle his waist and lean over him to brush my lips against his. I want to tease him, but I end up teasing myself too, because I want the kiss as badly as he does. His tongue sliding over mine is the most delicious sensation ever. Heat grows in my stomach. It spreads until I feel like I’m burning all over.

Something flashes behind my eyes, and I see myself climbing a tree behind two dark-haired boys. One of them turns back to say something to me, and I see a much younger version of Ryn.

I jerk back, confused.

Flash. I’m sitting on Dad’s lap playing with a brand new Filigree.

Flash. Tora wraps her arms around me and holds me as I cry.

Tora?

Oh crap oh crap.
I can’t breathe. I can’t see. Dizziness spins my head. I lurch away from Ryn as everything,
everything
, comes rushing back.

Growing up. Creepy Hollow. My home.

Special ability. I can find people. It’s a secret.

Ryn. My enemy. My friend. I love him.

Mom. Dead. It happened when I was three.

Dad. Dead—but not really. It’s a secret.

Guardians. I’m one of them. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.

Graduation. I was top of my class. Tied with Ryn.

Zell. Gathered an army. He wanted me.

Nate. He betrayed me. He destroyed everything I love.

Creepy Hollow. Demolished. My fault.

The Guild. Ruined. My fault.

Tora. Dead. My fault.

I find myself on my hands and knees, my stomach heaving. Tora is dead. She’s dead. For four whole years, she was the closest thing I had to family—and now she’s gone. And it was all because I chose to trust the wrong person. I wanted to prove myself, and in doing so I ruined everything. I can barely breathe because of the sobs building up in the back of my throat.
She’s really gone!

Darkness crowds the edges of my vision. I smell smoke, hear screams. I feel the world tilt. Falling, falling, falling. I let the darkness and the memories take me.

I collapse onto the highest point of my destroyed home and hold my head in my hands as I cry. I can’t fix this. I can’t make up for it. I don’t even know how I can
live
knowing that Tora died because of me.

My hands fall to my sides, one of them coming to rest on a pile of glass. The contents of my emergency kit, scattered and broken. My trembling fingers sift through the items that managed to survive and linger on one of the vials. I pick it up.
Forget
, the label says.

That’s what I want. I want to forget everything that’s happened. I want to forget that it’s my fault.

I unscrew the top.

I lift it to my mouth.

I close my eyes and pour it down my throat.

And nothing happens.

Potions aren’t always instant, though, so it’s not exactly surprising. And after everything I’ve done, I don’t deserve to forget my misery.

I stumble and slide down the broken pieces of my home. Without looking back, I start walking. I don’t know where I’m going; I only know that I want to be as far away from here as possible.
Coward
, my conscience whispers to me. Fresh tears roll down my cheeks, and I bite my lip until I taste blood. I know I’m a coward, but I don’t care. I can’t stay here. Not after I’ve brought all this down on us.

My legs carry me haltingly between burned, splintered trees. I don’t think I could run if I tried. I rub my aching forehead with the heel of my hand, wondering why I haven’t started to forget everything yet. Why haven’t I been carried off to a place of blissful ignorance? A vague memory tells me that that’s not actually what the
Forget
potion was supposed to do. So I guess I screwed up there too.

I lower my hand and see a figure through the smoke ahead of me. I stop. Normally I’d be hiding by now or have a weapon in at least one of my hands. I’d be tense and alert, waiting to defend myself. But now I’m almost hoping the person coming toward me will kill me quickly and end my agony.

When I see who it is, my legs buckle and I drop to the ground. I might get my wish after all.

Nate.

Draven.

Dressed in black with heavy boots and a coat that reaches his knees. His eyes are hard, and there seems to be a pale green light emanating from them. That isn’t right. His eyes are supposed to be brown.

He tilts his head to the side. “Visited your home yet, Vi?”

“You killed Tora,” I gasp, suddenly finding my voice. “I hate you.
I hate you!
And the forest? The Guild? The
homes
? What have you done?”

“No, Violet.” He takes a step closer. “What have you done? What have
you done
? Didn’t you see my message? This is all. Your. Fault. You’re the one who handed the comm-glass over to your friend at the Guild. And he took it with him into the Council meeting, as I knew he would. It was so easy to blow everyone up after that.”

Bran. The Council members. The explosion.
More guilt to pile onto the agony already breaking my heart.

“And that’s why I sent you two comm-glasses,” Nate says. “I knew you’d hand one over eventually. And I knew I’d need to contact you again.” He crouches down in front of me, like adults do when they’re talking to small children. “I’ve been watching you, Vi. You never should have trusted a magical technology you hadn’t come across before, but I knew you would. I knew your need to prove that you’re always the best would be your downfall. You had no idea I could see you through the comm-glass. No idea I was watching you.”

My body starts shaking from the shivers coursing up and down my spine.

“You helped me orchestrate this entire attack, Vi. So don’t you dare ask me what
I’ve
done when none of this—” he gestures to the ruin around him “—could have been achieved without you.”

I can’t stop shaking. I bite my shaking lip as tears spill from my eyes. “Kill me,” I whisper. “Just get it over with.”

“Oh no.” He stands and shakes his head. “This isn’t going to be that easy for you. You’re going to watch your world and everyone you care about suffer. And only when I’ve taken away everything you’ve ever cared about, like you took everything from me,
then
you can die, Violet.” He spits my name out as if it tastes disgusting.

“What . . . what did I take from—”

“Do you know what happened,” Nate says, “after I left Zell to find you and you rejected me? I had nowhere else to go. No one else to help me with the growing power inside me. So I returned to Zell, hoping he’d never noticed my absence. But he had. And do you know what he did to punish me?
Do you?
”

“No,” I whisper.

“He. Killed. My. Parents. In front of me.”

I start shaking. I caused the death of Nate’s parents. Two innocent people who should have had nothing to do with this.
No
, I tell myself. Nate didn’t have to go back to Zell. He could have taken his parents and run like I told him to.

“So you see, Violet. I have every right to make you suffer like you made me suffer. All of this—everything—is your fault. You started it. You saved my life and brought me into this world when you should have just
let me die
. Instead, the faerie world was revealed to me and all the power hidden within me was unlocked. And I didn’t know what to do with it. I was lost and afraid and you rejected me. All I wanted was your forgiveness, Vi, but you couldn’t give me that. I apologized for something I tried my best to stop, and you
threw it back in my face
.”

“I . . .” I’m starting to feel like I’m going to throw up.

“So when there’s nothing left in this world that you care about, that’s when we’ll be seeing each other again, dear Vi. And that’s when your life gets to end.”

He turns and strides away, smoke swallowing him up in seconds. I lean forward, planting my hands on the ground and breathing deeply. I feel horribly ill, and I don’t think it’s only from the smoke and the shock and the agony of losing Tora.

I think it’s the potion.

My stomach starts to ache. I lie down on the ground and curl up into a tight ball. The world tilts and spins, even though I know I’m not moving. Things start to darken. A black hole beckons, and I imagine myself crawling toward it. It sucks me in.

This is what I wanted.

*

I wake up with Jamon’s mother’s words in my mind:
You will stop at nothing to rid the world of his evil because you have everything to make up for.
I feel something soft and furry against my cheek. I blink several times before being able to focus on it. A snow leopard. Filigree. Curled up next to me and taking up more than half the bed.

I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his fur. My cheeks are already wet with tears; I must have been crying in my sleep. “I remember it all, Fili,” I whisper. “And it’s so horrible.” He drapes a heavy paw over my back. It feels near enough to someone hugging me that I snuggle even closer to him. Memories I don’t want to think about lurk beneath the surface of my thoughts like sea serpents in dark water. They’re going to pull me under. I’ll never be free. This guilt will follow me forever.

I understand. I finally understand now why I swallowed that potion. I understand why I was desperate to forget.

And I’m not going to make that mistake again.

I wiggle out from beneath Filigree’s enormous paw. I place my hand on his head and murmur, “I love you, Fili.”

“Ah, love,” a voice from the corner of my room says, startling me. “Cures everything, doesn’t it.”