The Faithful Heart (16 page)

 

 

“Oh, you just talked, did you?"

 

 

"Ruairc, that's enough. I am not involved with either man. They were
always like brothers to me. You
never
were. There is nothing
to be romantically jealous of."

 

 

"Do they know that?"

 

 

She nodded. "I think I've been more than clear."

 

 

"Then perhaps their helpful attitude is just a trick?” Ruairc
accused.

 

 

Morgana stepped past him and moved over to the window to gaze out at
the fields, still a pale green after the long winter. “I am almost
certain they have nothing to do with my misfortunes. In any case, at
some point I am going to have to start trusting someone. They are
old and loyal friends. Ronan was the father I never had. Mine was
too busy with you and Conor.

 

 

I'm sorry—"

 

 

"No, you both deserved it. You were like brothers, and he was heir.
And we were affianced. There was no reason my father should not have
treated you like a son in law."

 

 

"Still, he treated you badly—"

 

 

She shrugged one shoulder. "Ronan should have been my foster father.
Niamh and I are as close as sisters should be. So if I must go cap
in hand to beg for favours, I had rather it were them than any other
clan.”

 

 

“Any yet you are too proud to accept help from me!Or is it that I am
no longer a friend? That you still question my loyalty?” Ruairc
demanded.

 

 

Morgana sighed, and went over to sit on her chair, where she
collapsed wearily, and put a hand over her violet eyes to conceal
the tumultuous emotions she felt. She considered his question for
several moments before replying.

 

 

“If you want an honest answer, Ruairc, then I tell you now, I do
trust your loyalty, but would not divide you from your family
unnecessarily. I dislike the idea of you having to work in servitude
in Dublin, when by rights you ought to be the proud owner of
Carrickdoo as your dying father insisted when he asked for the clan
property to be spilt evenly between the three of you.

 

 

“I certainly don’t like the idea of your depending upon me to
restore the Maguire fortunes, because all of this may turn out to be
one impossible dream. I’m not suggesting you want me only for my
money. I know you too well for that. But would you really want me if
I was penniless?"

 

 

"Yes, in an instant!"

 

 

She gave a sad smile. “It's loving and kind too say so, but would
you really want me to abandon all my people, and yours as well, to a
life of poverty and deprivation, for the sake of my own happiness?"

 

 

His jaw worked up and down wordlessly. She could see how much this
whole struggle was costing both of them. She had to make him see it
clearly too.

 

 

"As for us ever marrying, how can I give you an answer right now,
with all of this going on? I feel like I need to get to know you all
over again.We're different people now after all that has happened to
both of us, and duty pulls at me constantly. I don’t know if those
duties can ever be compatible with love.”

 

 

“Certainly your duty to the Church wouldn’t be,” Ruairc commented
quietly.

 

 

“That’s just it! All of my choices have always been constrained by
duty, by my responsibilities to the clan. How do I know if I really
loved you or not? Maybe I just thought I did because everyone
expected it, because you kissed me, tried to bed me, and I was
young, inexperienced in the ways of men,” Morgana said angrily.

 

 

“You are still are, aren’t you? Or have you been experimenting with
all of these charming young swains?” Ruairc grumbled.

 

 

She shot him a hard look. “I am still inexperienced, but are you
telling me you're innocent, that there's been no on else, ever? No,
don't answer, I have no right to ask. But I will ask you another
question. What if I did meet another man, formed another attachment?
I couldn’t have you living here at Lisleavan like th reproachful
ghost of my youthful indiscretions coming back to haunt me.”

 

 

Ruairc would have argued on both counts, but he could see the glint
in her eye, and decided that if she had such an overwhelming need to
be independent, to prove to everyone that she didn't need his help,
he wouldn't argue with her. After all, she had to be seen to be
worthy of
tanaist
in her own right if she were ever to
succeed her father.

 

 

He could see the look of surprise in her eyes as he said, “In that
case there is nothing more for me to say. I am here if you need me,
Morgana, as I always have been. But I am not going to make any
attempt to restore our er, romantic relations.If you want me, I want
it to be because of love, not duty. I do love you. I have always
loved you, and will always love you.

 

 

"And no, I was not a virgin when I met you, being older than you and
full of rising sap, but that was all it was. A mere physical release
with women interested only in that. It was never a close regard or
the sharing of lives in any way the way we have shared.

 

 

"Yes, I have been living in Dublin now for two years, but there has
never been anyone else since I met you, though goodness knows enough
of them have tried. I love you, Morgana, and I pray God your heart
tell you what is right soon. But frankly, all this indecision on
your part as to whether or not you can trust me is unflattering and
hurtful." He put his hand on the door latch to leave.

 

 

“I don’t see why I have to be forced to decide now, Ruairc! You’re
being so unreasonable,” Morgana sighed. “It’s spring, I have a
million things to do to get the land ready, plant the crops, and so
on, without you continually badgering me into trying to take up
where we left off two years ago."

 

 

"I'm not badgering at all. I just said—"

 

 

But she pressed on. "Yes, it was wonderful running off hunting and
fishing, sleeping out under the stars, sailing on trade expeditions,
but I haven’t got the freedom to do any of that now. Even if I said
I loved you, Ruairc, we can’t go back to the same old life."

 

 

"I know that! I wish we could as well, but that's
not
what
I'm asking…"

 

 

"I am sorry if you feel I am rejecting your love out of hand, but it
always seems to have conditions attached to it. I can’t spend all my
time with you even if I wanted to. Surely you must realise that,”
Morgana reproached him gently.

 

 

Ruairc sighed, and fiddled with a tassel on the cushion of his
chair. “I am trying to offer you help, Morgana, you know that. You
keep rejecting it out of hand. Maybe you're not as suspicious of me
over Conor's death, but you're definitely suspicious of my motives.
Maybe you’re right. Mayhap I have gone too fast. Perhaps if I didn't
love you so much, I might be able to pretend cool indifference.

 

 

“But damn it all, Morgana, I love you, and I refuse to hide it as if
either of us are unworthy of the other or as if it's something to be
ashamed of."

 

 

"No, you're right, not ashamed," she agreed quietly, shifting in her
chair to face him more fully as he hovered in the doorway. "But not
something we have to flaunt either."

 

 

"Agreed. So as I said, I will not deny that I want to spend time
with you, and I make no apology for it. I merely avow that I have
missed you so much in the past two years, I am finding it very
difficult not to rush things in a desperate attempt to pick up where
we left off.

 

 

"I have a suggestion to make, therefore, which will not only allow
us to get to know each other again, and see if any of the old
feelings still linger, but would also be a way of helping you at the
same time.”

 

 

“What exactly do you have in mind?” Morgana asked warily.

 

 

“I will make a deal with you. No more hounding, badgering or jealous
tantrums, if you will allow me to spend one day with you, from the
moment you wake until the moment you sleep.

 

 

"And I won’t pretend I don’t wish to extend to companionship to
spending the whole night in your bed, but I swear, Morgana, it will
be up to you. If you don’t want me, I shall go at the end of the
evening, back to my lonely pallet,” Ruairc offered.

 

 

“One day?” Morgana asked uncertainly, blushing at his mention of the
night.

 

 

“One whole day and evening,” Ruairc repeated.

 

 

Morgana considered his suggestion carefully, and then nodded. “All
right, I can’t really see the harm, but give me a few days to get
the feel of things around here again, and then I can give you a
definite day to carry out your experiment.”

 

 

“Thank you, Morgana,” Ruairc said, trying not to feel too
disappointed that she had managed to put him off yet again. She was
right, there was a lot to do.

 

 

At least she had agreed to his suggestion and given him her promise,
so he opened the door at last. He hoped he didn't sound too glum as
he said, “I can see you have a great deal of papers to go through,
so I shall go sit with your father. He wants to see you, so don’t be
too long, will you?”

 

 

“No, I won’t. It’s getting late, and I haven’t slept since I rose at
four in the morning at the convent yesterday when you came to fetch
me,” Morgana said, stifling a yawn.

 

 

"Then you shouldn't be overdoing things, or you'll be no help to any
of us. I will see you shortly."

 

 

"Aye, you will. And thank you, Ruairc, for being here. None of this
is easy for any of us, but I know how hard you're trying."

 

 

He bowed wordlessly, and left.

 

 

Once alone, Morgana finally felt able to breathe. Why was it, no
matter what he said or did, he had such a profound effect upon her.
She put one hand to her head to steady herself. When he had been
about to walk out on her, for a moment she had felt like she would
do anything to make him stay, even if it meant throwing herself in
his arms.

 

 

But that would never do. It was too soon… It was too late… If they
hadn't found poor Conor's body when they did, the two of them would
have become lovers, and wed…

 

 

The timing could not have been worse.
Or better…

 

 

Morgana had no idea where that thought had come from, and pushed it
to one side, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. She
sketched out her plans using two different colours of ink to
represent the changes, and then made lists of the amounts of
provisions and animals required for each of her three castles.

 

 

There were also basic household items such as cooking pots and
utensils and beds to be got, for after two years of abandonment, the
castles at Ma Niadh and Tulach had been gradually stripped by the
people in outlying villages, and would have to be restocked as well
as refortified.

 

 

Morgana couldn’t spare anything from Lisleavan, for with a garrison
of nearly seven hundred, plus provisions and stores for the
villagers, she was going to be hard-pressed to provide for all of
them, without giving away valuable items to the other two sites.

 

 

“Perhaps I can send Ruairc, he’s always been good at bargaining,”
Morgana wondered aloud.

 

 

Just then his head popped around the door.

 

 

“Still taking my name in vain?” he said quietly.

 

 

“How would you like to go over to Clogher and Armagh for supplies
with the wagons when they come back?”

 

 

“Only if you are willing to come with me.”

 

 

“But I couldn’t spare the time around here,” Morgana protested,
though the prospect of walking through streets and looking through
all the wares in the market was definitely appealing after her two
years of seclusion.

 

 

“Oh come now, surely you can go out to enjoy yourself for just one
day, and you always did drive a hard bargain. The cattle market will
be on in Clogher the day after tomorrow, or so the men in the
village say. It would be just the right time to pick out a few good
beast, and a prize bull.”

 

 

“All right, but does this count as your day with me?” Morgana asked
hopefully.

 

 

“No, because we wouldn’t be alone, and besides, I want this to be a
fun day, with no worries or expectations.”

 

 

“Alone? Ruairc, when am I ever alone?” Morgana asked, exasperated.

 

 

He nodded. “Well, you are now, but that's because you have to much
to do to organise all your efforts. But as for us being alone
together, you needn’t look so suspicious. I simply meant we that we
will have to take some of the herders with us, and several wagons.
There will be dozens of people with us, instead of a nice quiet day
resting at home. With all the haggling and assessing in the market,
I doubt we willl be able to say more than ten words to each other.
But you need some supplies, and I am happy to go with you for
protection as well as company, and helping to understand your
stratgy better. All right?”

 

 

She nodded. “I certainly do need stores,” Morgana sighed as her eyes
dropped to her figures for provisioning each of the three castles.

 

 

At length she looked up. “All right, the day after tomorrow it is,
Ruairc. Thank you.”