The Fall and Rise of Kade Hart: A Hart Brothers Novel (27 page)

I rest my head on my hands and close my
eyes. Images drift in and out, but mostly they are of Juliette.
When I lift my head, my neck is stiff. I look down across the
church and notice the sun’s rays streaming in through the stained
glass. Hours must’ve passed because the angle of the sun now tells
me it’s late afternoon. I must’ve slept that long.

Standing, I stretch out the kinks in my
neck, back, and legs, then walk down the stairs. I stop to stare
one more time at the colorful cross, and try to figure out the path
I will take. I hear the creaking of the huge wooden doors opening
behind me, the ones that lead to the narthex, and I turn slightly
to see who it is. I am in no condition to be in church. I should
hide or leave, but I stay.

In walks Juliette. Everything in my body
ceases to move—my heartbeats stop, my lungs won’t work, and my legs
don’t obey. Her face is filled with such unease—bruises and creases
line her eyes that weren’t there before—it nearly brings me to my
knees.

“Oh, God, Kade! Are you all right? I’ve been
…” Then she runs and hugs me like I’m the greatest thing in the
universe. But I’m not. I’m no one. I’m not her hero. “What? What
happened?”

My head pivots back and forth. But no words
will come.

“Talk to me, Kade. What happened? We’ve been
searching for you. Mack started looking for you when you didn’t
show up. Please tell me so I can help.”

“You can’t help. I’m not that guy you
thought I was.”

“You are. Tell me. Please. Let me get you
back home. I can call Mack.”

“No. Just you, Juliette.”

“Can you walk? I can get Father Anthony to
drive us.”

“Walk. But can we sit here a minute?”

“Yes!”

She leads me to a pew and we both take a
seat. “Kade, when was the last time you ate?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, God. Just tell me you’re okay and not
hurt.”

“I’m not hurt.”

“Why is your face all scraped and black and
blue?”

“It’s not a big deal.”

My hands are clenched in my pockets because
I don’t want her to see them shaking, nor do I want her to see the
drugs. I almost lose it, my hold on everything nearly crumbles when
she slides her hand in my hair and say, “I’m here for you. Whatever
it is, you can tell me, Kade.”

“I’ve been on the streets since I got
back.”

Her voice trembles when she asks, “Okay. Can
you tell me why?”

Her hand is still in my hair and she forces
me too look at her. I want to die. And I want to crawl on top of
her all at the same time. This beautiful woman whom I’m hell bent
on destroying.

“I’m going to ruin you, Juliette.” My
confession rips me apart.

“No, Kade, you’re not. I promise.”

She smiles and it lights up the entire
church.

“The trip, it triggered all kinds of
memories of Langston. I don’t know why. I thought it may have been
you, but I don’t know. Maybe it was being around my family.” And I
tell her everything.

When I’m done, her hand pulls mine out of my
pocket and forces my fingers open. “Do you really want to do this?
Do you really want to die? Because that’s what will happen and if
you do, then he wins, Kade. Don’t let him win. You have to let the
light in. If you don’t, the darkness will prevail. Don’t let the
darkness that’s Langston win. Do you hear me? You are so much more
than that.”

She’s right. I don’t want him to win. He won
the whole time I was growing up.

“I want to win this time, Juliette.”

Her soft hands cup my face. “Kade, I want
you to win, too. And I know you can! But don’t do it for anyone but
yourself. Ultimately, you are the only person who counts here.”

“You’re right.”

“Can we go home now?” she asks.

“One thing first.” I hold her hand and take
her back up the steps where the huge pipe organ sits. I don’t know
why, but I feel compelled to play, at this moment, with her by my
side. “Sit with me while I play.” It seems only fitting that I
choose the one of very first songs I ever played for
her—
Rhapsody On a Theme of Paganini
, one of my favorites by
Rachmaninoff. My fingers quickly waltz across the many keys. The
organ doesn’t sound quite the same as the piano, but the huge pipes
drive the wind through them, creating various pitches and timbres
sending the vibrations clear through my bones. When I finish, I
turn to her and say, “I’m ready now.”

“That was lovely, Kade.”

She helps me up and we leave St. John the
Baptist Church, but not before I take one last look at the
beautiful stained glass cross.

Juliette

I’ve been everywhere I know to look. Living
Free. The NA places I think he’d go. The music hang outs he’d
mentioned. Nothing. I’ve run out of options. My shadows never
contacted me, so I’m on my own for this. I will not abandon Kade.
Something’s happened; I know it. I’m not about to leave him out
there alone and hurting.

On a fluke, I try the church. I don’t even
know why, but I do. When I walk in, there he is, looking as cold
and still as one of the statues he stands near.

My first inclination is to jump for joy, but
the expression on his face worries me. Something’s not right. I’m
not sure what it is, but I aim to find out.

When I approach him, the first thing I
notice is that he’s filthy and his face is bruised. It looks like
he was in a fight or something. Where the hell has he been? I want
to tackle and interrogate him, but I know that’s not the right way
to handle this. He’s off—not acting right. So I go slow, let him
lead me. And when he explains, his words crush me; my insides
literally implode. It takes everything I have not to break down and
sob. But a weeping woman is
not
what he needs. He needs
strength. Someone he can lean on, and that’s what I give him.

When I unclench his fingers one by one and
find what he’s hiding, I want to die. This man, who has been so
strong and giving of himself, done so much for others, is dying
inside. The message that packet of white dust carries is such a
catastrophic blow that I have to find a way to bring him back—to
make him understand that he is not only important to me but to so
many others. Does he not understand how many people he’s helped?
Does he not see how much better this world is with him in it?

As we walk back to his place, I plan to show
him. Because so many people need Kade Hart, including me.

When we get home, we walk upstairs, and I
take him straight to his bathroom, where I turn on the water. I
flush the drugs down the toilet and help him undress. Then I
undress and we get in the shower. This is not about sex; it’s about
healing.

His torso is badly bruised, on both sides of
his ribs, but I ask no questions. I don’t need to. It’s obvious
he’s been in a fight. I’m not even sure I want to know the details.
I squeeze a dollop of his body wash into my palm and work up a
lather. Starting at his neck, I cover every inch of his body,
taking great care around the areas that appear to be tender. I use
a washcloth on his cheeks, just to make sure they are cleansed of
all the dirt. Finally, I massage his scalp as I wash his hair.

I take a quick shower myself, washing my
hair as well. When I’m finished, I grab several towels, wrap one
around him, and then dry myself off. I grab some sweats for him and
he declines.

“Just some boxers. I want to get in
bed.”

He tells me where to find them and when I
get back, he’s scrubbing his teeth. When he’s done, I tell him I’m
going to make him something to eat and drink and I’ll be right
back. I throw on some of his sweats and go downstairs. I whip up a
sandwich, some chips, and an ice water and bring it back to him.
He’s sitting up in bed and wolfs it right down.

“I can’t remember the last time I ate,” he
tells me.

“Want another?”

“Do you mind?”

I run down and make him another.

“Here you go.” He gobbles that one down,
too. “Kade, tell me the truth. Do you feel better about things? Or
do you need me to call Mack?”

“No to Mack. You’re right. Langston can’t
win. I’m not going to let him win. Jules, I don’t know why this all
came crashing down on me. I felt so out of it at my brother’s.
Uncomfortable, you know? Like I needed to be back here. But when I
got off the plane it was overwhelming.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

I take his hands in mine. “How many people
have you helped in NA and at Living Free?”

“I don’t know. Why?”

“Guess. Ten? Twenty? More?”

“More, probably.”

“Do you think any of those people would miss
you if you weren’t here? Would their lives be worse without you?
And answer truthfully.”

“Yeah to both. I do think they’d miss
me.”

“Has Living Free fulfilled something for
people that has kept them off drugs?”

“Definitely.”

“Don’t you see, Kade? Without you in this
world, lots of people would never be where they are today,
including me. Some of them would probably be dead!” I squeeze his
hands. “You have made a huge difference for so many. You are
not
‘no one.’ You have
never
been ‘no one.’ You are
someone. You are Kade Hart. And you are worthy. Do you hear me?
Don’t let the words of that vile bastard ever make you think
otherwise. And if you ever have doubts about yourself where I’m
concerned, come to me. I will set you straight with that.”

“Come here.”

“I am here.”

“No. I mean here.” He points to his
lips.

I kiss him.

“More.”

I kiss him again.

“I don’t want to be a disappointment to
you,” he says.

“Never. You are anything
but
that.”

We kiss again.

“I missed you, Juliette Bressan.”

“I missed you, Kade Hart. Don’t ever do that
to me again. Okay?”

“I promise. I’ve already let the light in. I
let you in, Juliette.”

~~~~~

Kade sleeps for hours. While he sleeps, I
call Mack to let him know everything is fine and that Kade didn’t
use after all. Kade wakes up shortly after midnight and announces
he’s hungry. I offer to make him something, but he won’t hear of
it. He goes down to the kitchen, with me on his heels, and Ethel of
course, to scrounge something up. While he’s digging up a bite to
eat, I take Ethel out. My shadow approaches.

“Your boyfriend is fine, I take it.”

“He will be.”

“Good. He has troubles.”

“How do you know that?”

“We just do. Take care of him.” And he’s
gone, fading into the night. I stare out into the dark expanse of
Kade’s yard and know they’re out there, so I wave. Then walk back
inside.

Kade is now eating a pizza. “Did you
microwave that?”

“Yeah,” he says around a bite.

“Yuck. Doesn’t it taste rubbery?”

“A little, but when you’re hungry, you don’t
really care. Listen, I’m the guy who ate out of dumpsters for
years.”

He does have a point.

“I have some news of my own.”

“Yeah? What?”

“I talk to the shadows now. Well, only one
of them, actually.”

“What?” I laugh because his cheeks are poked
out like a chipmunk’s he’s got so much pizza stuffed in his
mouth.

“You heard me. It started Christmas Eve
night, I believe. Or maybe Christmas night. Whatever. One of them
approached me after I yelled out that they were a bunch of damn
chicken shits and that I knew they were there.” And I tell him the
rest of the story, all the way until just now.

“You’re not kidding, are you?”

“Not at all.”

He drops his pizza, swallows his bite, and
is at my side in two strides, lifting me in a huge embrace. “Oh,
fuck. Here I am, stuck in my own piece of shit misery, when all
this time you’re here in danger, talking to these fucking whatever
they are. What the hell was I thinking?”

“But you were right all along! Don’t you
see? They’re my protection, Kade!”

“Yeah, but still. What does that make me?
I’m still a selfish bastard, putting my shit before yours.”

“Don’t even go there. I’m only happy they
finally came forth. Now whenever I go outside, they have a little
chat with me. It’s kinda funny.”

“Juliette, be careful. You don’t know these
people.”

He’s right and I agree. He finishes his
pizza and we go back to bed. In the morning, we talk about what my
situation is.

“I have to let Sister Mary Elizabeth know
something. I’ve been here since you went missing.”

“Juliette, what do you want?”

“A job,” I say with a laugh. “Can you take
me to Living Free and let me check out your system? There may be
things I can help you with, maybe make your system better. I can’t
be sure until I check it out.”

“Okay, but we already have an IT guy. You
can do all sorts of other things, though. We need help with a lot
of stuff around there. Would you be okay with fitting in where we
need you to start off?”

“Sure. But can I suggest something? If I
find that your system isn’t as good as it could be, can you at
least give me a shot with that?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Then I guess I need to go and let the nuns
know what my decision is. But what about my living situation?”

“You have a couple of choices. You can
either stay here or at Living Free until we can find you a
place.”

That was a tough choice. I would love to
stay here, but that puts me way too close to Kade. Not that I
wouldn’t love it, but I think we need a little distance now and
again.

“Living Free.”

“Fine.” He doesn’t look very thrilled about
my decision.

“You sure there’s room?”

“Positive.”

“Where is it?” I ask.

“Pretty close to here.”