The Family Doctor (17 page)

 

A
S HE SAW ONE PATIENT
after the other late that afternoon, Tony felt worse and worse about the meeting he'd had with Kate and the board members. The disconsolate look she'd given him when she walked in the room had gone straight to his heart. He'd had no choice except to ask her to be
present, but he wished now he'd also found a few moments to be alone with her afterward.

He had nothing but admiration for the way she stuck to her beliefs, and also for the dignified manner in which she conducted herself. She didn't defend herself. Instead, she simply repeated quietly what had occurred, explained that she thought a meeting between Snider and Walter Rundle would have made a difference, and then listened as the controversy raged. Tony had been surprised to learn that one of the board members totally agreed with Kate, although the other two were critical of her reasoning.

“In an ideal world,” one of them said, “total honesty might work. But as we all know, from a litigation point of view, the less we admit to the better.”

Tony thought about that as he drove home after work. There was something wrong with that reasoning. There was also something very wrong with the way he'd been avoiding Kate. He felt horrible about the fight they'd had, the things he'd said. And he hadn't apologized.

He needed to see her—now. He called his mother to tell her he'd be late and then wheeled the car around and headed for Kate's house.

From half a block away he could see that Scott and three of his buddies were still dismantling one of the two old cars in Kate's driveway. Once Tony had parked and gotten out, four pairs of eyes fol
lowed him as he made his way between the greasy engine parts littering the sidewalk and up to Kate's front door.

Eliza answered the doorbell. She didn't return Tony's determined smile, but she did say in a polite voice, “Hello, Dr. O'Connor.”

“Hi, Eliza. Is Kate at home?”

“She's watering the flowers in the backyard.”

“Could you tell her I'm here, please?”

He waited for what seemed a long time.

“Hi, Tony.” Kate was wearing denim shorts, her long legs tanned golden. Her hair was pulled back with a clip, she had dirt on her cheek, and she looked so delicious, all Tony wanted to do was take her in his arms. But her wary green eyes and the reserve in her tone told him he had a long way to go before that would be possible.

“Sit down. I made some lemonade. Would you like some?”

“That sounds good.” He'd have liked a stiff shot of gin with it, but he didn't say so.

“Eliza, get us some from the pitcher in the fridge, would you, please?”

The girl had followed Kate in, and now she went off to the kitchen.

“Kate, first off, I want to apologize for the things I said the other day. I was way out of line, I didn't mean—”

“Here's your lemonade, Dr. O'Connor.” Eliza handed him a brimming glassful that somehow
slopped onto his trousers and the rug. Tony leaped up, catching a sly look on Eliza's face that hinted the spill hadn't been accidental.

“Sorry, Tony.” Kate frowned at the girl. “Eliza, go get a damp cloth to wipe that up, please.”

Tony took a long gulp of the lemonade to prevent it from spilling again, and started to say what needed saying. “I value what we had together, Kate, and I'd like to try—”

Eliza was back with a wet dishrag. Tony took it and blotted at his pants and the rug.

“Can I have some cookies, Kate?”

“Yes, Eliza, go ahead.”

She skipped off. He tried again.

“Could we at least talk about this, Kate?”

Eliza was back. “The bag's empty, Kate. Can I open a new one?”

“Yes, of course you can. And please stop interrupting.”

Tony took a deep breath. “I know that what you said is true, Kate. We do have differing views on certain things, but surely that's what makes—”

The front door opened and Scott stuck his head in. “Hey, Katie, is Eliza around? I need her to get the keys for me from downstairs.”

“Eliza,” Kate called. “Your father wants you.”

She came running, and Scott repeated his request. Eliza ran off and Scott went back outside. In less than three minutes, Eliza ran through the room again, swinging a set of keys.

“Eliza, use the back door, please.”

“Okay, Kate.” She went skipping back through the room and a second later the kitchen door slammed behind her.

Tony could feel his temper slipping. “Kate, for God's sake, will you come for a ride with me so we can discuss this in private?”

The front door burst open and Eliza bounded in again. “Daddy says he'll be back in an hour, he's gone to pick up some parts from the wrecker. Are we gonna have dinner soon, Kate? Because I'm starving.”

Kate shook her head and gave a hopeless shrug. “I want to come with you, Tony, but I can't very well leave Eliza here by herself.”

Eliza shot Tony a triumphant look. “You promised you'd help me with my science experiment, Kate. You said we could use that stuff from your closet. Can I go get it now?”

Tony set the glass down and got to his feet. He started for the door and then whirled around to face Kate. The words boiled out of him. “Don't you put any value at all on your own life? Or are you so satisfied with the status quo that you don't really want any changes? I thought we had a chance for something good together, but I can see there isn't room here for anything except what you already have.”

Her eyes went wide, and she got up and took a step toward him. “Oh, Tony, please don't—”

He walked out the door, avoided the mess in the driveway and got in his car. Some part of him had hoped she'd say to hell with everything and run after him, but she didn't.

It hurt more than he'd imagined it could to admit that it was over between them.

K
ATE SAT FROZEN AS THE DOOR
closed behind Tony.

“Can I get the stuff from your closet, Kate? Hey, Kate, are you listening to me?”

She'd known all along it couldn't last, Kate reminded herself. Her life was just too complicated. And it was too difficult with Tony as her boss. They had to work together, yet his way of handling issues was totally different from hers. Besides, it wasn't fair to Eliza. The girl had enough to cope with. Tony was right—there wasn't room for anything except what she already had.

And is that what you want for the rest of your life?
That small, snide voice wasn't easy to shut off, but Kate did her best. She worked with Eliza on the science experiment, supervised the girl's bathtime, watched a video with her and tucked her into bed.

And then she was alone. The laundry had been folded and the following day's dinner planned. The plants were watered, the flowers tended. There wasn't another single thing to keep her from thinking.

Tony's words echoed in her ears, and loneliness and confusion filled her heart. If ever she needed a friend, it was now. She thought of Leslie, of how much she missed the long, intimate phone conversations they used to have, the cozy lunches, the un-inhibited girl talk.

Kate understood that Leslie was going through terrible trauma surrounding the death of her mother. She had made it clear she didn't need or want Kate calling her, but tonight, Kate was the one in need.

She hesitated, but the emotions roiling inside of her threatened to overwhelm her and she dialed her friend's number. The phone rang and rang, and Kate was on the verge of hanging up when Leslie finally answered.

“Yes? Who is it?” Her voice was thick and choked. It was obvious she'd been crying.

At any other time, Kate would have immediately asked her what was wrong, putting Leslie's need first. This time, she couldn't.

“Les? Leslie, Tony just walked out on me. I care about him a lot and I really need to talk to you.”

There was a long, long pause.

“Leslie, please,” Kate burst out. “There's nobody else I can talk to.”

Kate heard Leslie blow her nose, then she said in a reluctant tone, “I don't think I'm up to driving. Can you come over here?”

Scott was home—Kate had heard the downstairs
door open and close half an hour ago. Relief flooded her.

“Yeah. Thanks. I'll be there right away.”

Fifteen minutes later, Kate knocked at the door of Leslie's condo. When her friend opened it, Kate was shocked. Leslie, who'd always been meticulous about her appearance, wore a tattered old pink bathrobe. Her hair was lank, she wasn't wearing makeup, and her eyes were puffy and red from crying.

“C'mon in.” Leslie led the way into the living room and gestured at an easy chair.

Kate sat, already feeling guilty about practically forcing Leslie to see her.

“I guess there's something to that old saw about misery loves company, huh?” Leslie said in a bitter voice.

The smile Kate tried for didn't quite come off.

“So tell me what's happening with you and Tony. I didn't even know you two were an item.”

Leslie's brusque manner wasn't encouraging, but Kate
had
forced this meeting. She tried to figure out where to start and finally just said, “I guess I fell in love with him.”

The moment the words were out, Kate knew they were true. She sketched for Leslie the weekend they'd spent in Edmonton, adding, “We had a fight over issues at work, but tonight it was over Scott and Eliza. He walked out on me.” She painted the scene in words so Leslie would understand. “Eliza
is a total brat when Tony's around, I'll admit that. But he's an adult—he has a daughter of his own. I thought he'd be more understanding.”

But this new Leslie didn't understand, either. In a harsh tone, she said, “You know, Kate, you're being a sucker and a fool. You have been for quite a while now.”

Shock waves rolled over Kate, and then she felt herself beginning to get mad, even through the pain. “That really hurts, Leslie.”

Leslie shrugged. “Yeah, I guess it does. But right now I just don't have the energy to listen and sympathize, not when I've watched you being a martyr for so long. I never said anything before because I didn't want to hurt you.”

“A martyr?”
Kate was so shocked she could hardly speak.

“Call it what you want. The way I see it, you put all your own needs last and allow Scott to control your life. And now you're surprised that Eliza's doing it. She's watched you being a doormat, letting Scott use her to control you. Why wouldn't she try the same thing? She's a smart kid.”

Kate was shaking. Waves of heat washed over her, and her breath was coming in short bursts. She felt absolute outrage rising in her. How dare Leslie say something like that? She tried to hold back the anger, to remember all the things she preached, but none of them worked.

“What—what
right
do you have to say such
things to me?” The words came out hard, like pebbles she'd swallowed and was regurgitating. They hurt her throat. “How dare you accuse me of being a doormat, just because I don't choose to rage and stomp around? Because I put Eliza's well-being first? All my life, I've tried to—I've tried…” Her voice trailed off.

What? What had she really spent her life doing? Kate was far too honest to avoid the awful truth. As a child, she'd placated her angry father and listened to her resentful mother tell her things about him that a child shouldn't have to hear. She'd felt responsible—always—for people's feelings. It was up to her to keep peace, to make things right. Worst of all, she'd let her longing for a child trap her into a loveless marriage, and then compounded it by allowing Scott to control her even after their divorce.

When was the last time she'd thought only of herself?

In Edmonton.
In Tony's arms, she'd been completely free, completely herself. And the moment she came home, she'd forgotten all over again how to claim her own happiness.

Harsh as it sounded, tough as it was to admit, Leslie was right.

Kate looked over at her friend, intending to tell her so.

“God, oh my God.” Leslie was bent double, her head on her knees, and the sounds coming from her were beyond sobs. They were the sounds of a per
son in agony, deep, harsh noises that seemed to tear their way straight from the depths of her being.

Hurrying over to her, Kate knelt down and wrapped her in her arms. She didn't speak. She just held on to her friend until the storm began to pass.

At last, Leslie blew her nose and sat back in the chair. She looked at Kate through bleary eyes. “I'm sorry, Kate, I'm so sorry for saying those things to you. I just can't stand myself. The pain is so bad I can't bear it, and it makes me say and do things I'm sorry for after. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way.”

A few moments ago, Kate would have agreed. Now she realized Leslie had done what was necessary. “It's the truth. It's time somebody made me recognize it.” She took Leslie's hand and held on to it. “Tell me about this pain you have, Les.”

“It's there all the time, it's like a heaviness in my chest. I can't sleep at night, I can't eat.” Leslie gave a halfhearted attempt at a smile that tore Kate's heart out, it was so sad. “Wouldn't you think I'd appreciate that? I've lost eight pounds in the last couple of weeks.”

“It's the pain of losing your mother,” Kate said softly.

“Yeah…that. But what's even worse is knowing it was my fault.”

Kate was shocked. “Oh, Les, that's just not true—”

But Leslie held up a hand. “It is, Kate. Don't try
to deny it. I'm an ER nurse, I'm trained to notice symptoms, but with Mom, I missed them. I should never have allowed Hersh to send her home after that first episode. I should have been a lot more aggressive. I just can't forgive myself for taking her home that night when she should have been admitted.”

“Les, you can't be a nurse and a daughter at the same time, you know that. That's why medical people don't treat their family members.”

Leslie's eyes blazed with sudden ferocious anger. “Yeah, well, Hersh was supposed to be treating her. I was at fault, but
he
made a gigantic mistake, and I want him to pay for what he did. I'm going to sue him. I've seen two lawyers, and it will cost a lot of money, but I'll sell this town house if I have to in order to raise it.”

“Oh, Les.” Kate was at a loss. How could she convince Leslie that it would be futile to get into a lawsuit? The only thing she could think of to say was “What do you think Galina would have wanted you to do?”

As if Kate had touched a button, fresh tears filled Leslie's eyes and spilled down her flushed cheeks. “I dream about her every night,” she said in a broken voice. “She sings to me, Kate, this weird death song. It wakes me up and then I can't get to sleep again.”

“What do you think she's trying to tell you?”

Leslie didn't answer right away. Her body rocked
back and forth in agony. Then, as if the words were torn from her, she blurted, “I guess she's telling me to let it go. I know she's singing that song to let me know that it was time for her to die.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “But I just can't accept that. I need—I need—”

“What? What do you need?”

“I need that doctor to know how important my mother was to me.” Leslie's voice was vehement. “I need him to understand what his carelessness did to her and to me.”

Kate nodded. She knew what the next step ought to be, but recent painful experience had taught her to be cautious about asking doctors to say they were sorry. Her track record wasn't great when it came to arranging such meetings, though for Leslie's sake, she'd try once again.

“If I can arrange it, will you tell Hersh what you just told me?”

“I can't,” Leslie moaned, shaking her head. “Don't ask me to.” Then she thought it over, and finally she sighed and gave a hesitant nod. “Okay, Kate. I'll try, but I can't promise I'll be able to go through with it without screaming at him. I just get so—so emotional, so
mad,
when I even think about him. Facing him will be really tough for me.”

“I know. Facing up to things isn't easy—just look at me.” Her voice was rueful. “So what am
I
gonna do, Les?”

“Boot Scott out.” Leslie's advice was immediate.

“Easy for you to say. What about Eliza?” Kate wrapped her arms around herself, imagining how painful it would be to lose the child she loved.

Leslie thought it over and sighed. “You're right, Kate. It
is
easy for me. It's always easy to see what another person should do. But my honest opinion is that Scott couldn't manage Eliza on his own. He's relied on you for so long, he hasn't a clue about raising a daughter by himself. But the worst could happen. He could take her and walk, and you'd have to be prepared for that.”

Kate's stomach contracted at the thought of taking that chance. “Like you said before, I'm not being much of a role model for her this way, letting Scott walk all over me. But I keep thinking how hard it would be for her, too, not having me around at all.”

“It's a tough call, Kate. You're the only one who can make the decision.” Leslie seemed a little more like her old self. “D'you think you and Tony could patch things up, if Scott wasn't around?”

It was Kate's turn for tears. They welled up in her eyes and her chest hurt trying to hold them back. “I don't think so. There's too much stuff going on between us, too many things we disagree about, both personal and at work. And he's got hard issues going on with his family. There just doesn't seem to be any space for him and me.”

“Make space. If you care about him, make room for him in your life.” Leslie's voice was vehement. “Love isn't something you put off until it's convenient. The one thing I'm glad about is that Mom knew how much I loved her.”

Kate nodded, but Leslie's words had raised still more disturbing issues. Tony had never come out and said that he loved her. He'd said he adored
making
love with her, he'd said he thought they
might
have a future together. But he'd never once put into words what he actually felt about her.

So maybe the loving part was all on her side, which spelled heartbreak in capital letters. But she'd never know for sure unless she tried.

And the first part of trying was just what Leslie said. She had to make room for Tony in her life, and that meant getting rid of Scott once and for all.