The Fear and Anxiety Solution (12 page)

During the first ten minutes, I remained optimistic. Maybe it wouldn’t be that hard after all. But the struggle soon began. My arms started to feel really heavy, and my neck and shoulders tightened into knots. Waves of shooting pain pulsated from my hips and lower back, while my calves and feet started to numb.

A familiar, seductive voice first whispered, then pleaded, “This is too hard. Why don’t you just sit this one out? You can end this agony right now. Just go to the bathroom. Don’t you have to go anyhow? It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t suffer like this.” This coercion didn’t make it any easier to remain steadfast. All too quickly, I had to find very powerful
whys
to be able to maintain this meditation for fifty more minutes. First, I reminded myself that getting up now would be giving up in front of 1,599 people, which would be quite embarrassing. I also didn’t want to honor my birthday by being defeated by a yoga meditation (albeit a grueling one). My goal was to strengthen my inner focus and my ability to overcome discomfort through commitment. I tried to recall how amazingly cleansing, empowering, and uplifting it had felt every time I’d been able to master such a meditation.

But then I recognized the biggest
why.
It was sitting right in front of me in the form of an amazingly beautiful woman who had offered to be my yoga partner on this special day. As far as I could tell, she hadn’t moved at all but remained completely still—like a rock. She was looking at me with honey-brown eyes and even wore a little smile on her angelic face. Could she tell that I was struggling? Was she amused by me, or was she trying to beam me support through that smile? All of a sudden, I felt a surge of renewed energy and determination rising up from somewhere deep inside of me. Part of it came from the thought “If she can do it, I can do it.”

Beyond that, I knew I wanted to hold the pose for
myself,
but I also didn’t want to disrupt the woman’s concentration and resolve. It was no longer only about choosing the goal of enlightenment over comfort; now the stakes were higher and the
whys
more potent. I was determined to give my best to support—and hopefully also impress—my partner, at least a little bit.

It worked. I was able to move through that meditation and seven similar ones with surprising ease. Four years later, I also convinced my beautiful partner to marry me.

Although it may appear perfectly obvious to you why you want to change and overcome fear and anxiety, take this opportunity to further amplify this powerful resource, which can lift you beyond the perceived obstacles you may encounter along the way.

1. List all the reasons for you to break through fear and anxiety and empower yourself now.
Think about the positive effects this outcome will have on your life and how the changes you’re making can also benefit the people you care about. Spend some time considering how remaining where you are right now would negatively impact your life. It’s perfectly fine to repeat answers from the previous questions and to notice whether you can generate an even stronger sense of motivation and determination in this process.

2. Think ahead to possible future points of resistance.
Determine the whys you’ll need as leverage to overcome these obstacles. What are the most convincing reasons for continuing to make every effort to reach your goals? For example, you may already foresee that one day you’ll tell yourself that it’s selfish to focus so much on yourself: “I shouldn’t be that selfish. What about putting my job, my family, my friends first?” Your
why
response could be that by taking care of yourself and by being well and at your best, you’re also getting ready to be of better service and support to others.

Or you may predict sabotaging self-talk, such as, “This is all too ingrained and too difficult to overcome.” Think how you’d like to counterbalance this doubt, and formulate a strong statement that keeps you committed to your growth, such as, “I’ve created these patterns, and therefore I can uncreate them. By continuously working on myself I can establish new, empowering patterns and soon be in charge of my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions, which puts me in charge of my life.”

I know I’ve said it before, but it’s so important that it bears repeating: to get the subconscious mind involved, make sure that the
whys
are not only logical and reasonable by nature, but that they also elicit a strong emotional response for you. The best arguments matter only if they matter to us.

Are you mainly thinking about yourself when it comes to reaching your goals, or are you equally, or even more, motivated to make someone else happy? You may believe that it’s much more honorable and evolved to think first and foremost
about others, even when it concerns your personal goals. You want to make sure that the important people in your life benefit from your changes, not only because you care about them, but also because you want them to approve of you.

However, having other people in mind during your own breakthrough process can prove distracting. It may even lead to confusion and inner conflicts about what you’d like to accomplish versus what others want you to do. Let’s face it—creating a goal that is mainly designed to please others doesn’t really get you any closer to feeling confident and positive about yourself.

The man who decides to stop smoking because he wants to get his nagging wife off his back eventually begins to resent his spouse every time he longs for a cigarette, and sooner rather than later, he starts smoking again. If your main reason for letting go of fear and anxiety and becoming more empowered is to make your family happy, to impress your boss, or to have more friends, you’re making your outcome dependent on other people’s approval.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t consider how your relationships might be affected by your personal growth. As I mentioned before, you wouldn’t feel as motivated to change if you were worried that these changes might jeopardize your marriage, your job, or other parts of your life that are important to you. In my experience, profound change and self-empowerment are not always immediately appreciated by those around us. You may initially feel encouraged and supported in your efforts to find your true, confident self. But at some point, the people who were used to dealing with that smaller, more insecure person may turn out to be a little disgruntled as you’re speaking and standing up for yourself in a more self-empowered way. If others’ approval is a large part of your motivation and you’re not receiving the positive feedback you were hoping for, you could potentially judge your growth as a mistake or a failure and, at the same time, start to resent those who aren’t applauding your changes.

Determining whether you’re mainly self-motivated or whether you’re making improvements for others’ sake is crucial. You’re much more likely to stay focused and overcome any resistance that presents itself along the way if the driving force of the journey to change comes from within you. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask for and receive encouragement and support while you’re working on yourself. The people who care about you can serve as catalysts, now and then providing that extra boost of energy to keep you going. Yet the primary energy and motivation needs to come from within you and be for you.

There are two aspects of asking yourself what you will lose when you reach your goals. The first one can further boost your away-from energy by renewing your awareness of the things you no longer desire and accept, such as anxiety, insecurity, or indecisiveness. It can help you move beyond your previous answers and access an even deeper level of realization of what you want to change and let go of. The second aspect addresses one of the major blocks to change, which is the fear of doing so. It is a law of nature: change is inevitable. However, when and how it occurs is largely dependent on the degree to which you allow fear of change to hold you back.

Robert, a highly intelligent young man, breezed through high school with straight A’s and great ease. However, when he started college, something inside him changed, and within a few months, the optimistic and interested student became increasingly anxious, insecure, and indecisive. He became so overwhelmed with anxiety and obsessive thinking that he needed to take a leave of absence from school. He could no longer manage the daily stresses of being a student. Moving back with his parents combined with the inertia that came with taking the leave only aggravated Robert’s anxiety and sense of powerlessness. Yet, surprisingly, a part of him accepted this situation as more bearable than going back to college and facing the challenges of interacting with fellow students, trying to grasp new subjects, or taking a test and possibly failing.

His mother was very distraught about her son’s sudden deterioration and tried to help him by dragging him from one psychiatrist or counselor to the next. Robert didn’t really participate in the sessions and insisted that his issues were so complex that nobody would be able to understand or help him. His resistance to change was greater than his desire to feel better. The driving force to even consider any form of therapy was his mother’s persistence. As soon as the therapists touched on a subject Robert wasn’t comfortable addressing, or if they asked him to do some self-improvement homework, he decided to discontinue the sessions.

Robert’s example shows how powerful the fear and resistance to change can be. Despite all the pain of being locked into fear and anxiety, the fear of having to suffer the even greater discomfort of actual change squashed any motivation to move forward.

Fear is usually the fear of losing something of value. So what are you afraid of losing when you reach your goals? This question is extremely important
because it will help you to identify possible secondary benefits for staying stuck in fear and anxiety, which could end up leading you to self-sabotage your efforts to change and grow. Robert was facing three major aspects of the fear of change: the fear of losing face through potential failure, the fear of losing safety, and the fear of losing love and attention, which he received in ample ways from his mother and anybody who was trying to help him.

Take some time, be completely honest with yourself, and contemplate the possibility that a part of you prefers the uncomfortable place you’re in because it’s a comfort zone. Consider the following:

     • Does the possibility of failure appear more threatening and unpleasant than staying stuck in the place you’re in right now?

     • Do you believe that anxiety actually gives you a certain edge that makes you perform better and helps you succeed, or provides for your own safety and that of others?

     • Do fear and insecurity give you a conscious or subconscious excuse to not fully show up in life and to turn your back on your dreams, which may appear to be safer than changing because you won’t be judged, criticized, or disappointed?

     • Do you get more attention and support from others by staying where you are?

     • Are you afraid that there will be nothing left of you if you let go of the anxiety?

Notice any potentially hidden agendas that may run like an undercurrent in your subconscious. Once you’ve detected secondary benefits for not changing, consider whether they truly
benefit
you more than reaching your goals. For example, is it really true that it’s safer to stay stuck than to pursue your goals and dreams? Is living your life from a place of fear and doubt—and believing that you’re not good enough or that you’re powerless—the best way to stay out of harm’s way, let alone enjoy your life? And is there really such a thing as failure, or are there simply opportunities for you to learn and grow?

Aren’t there better ways for you to get attention, love, and support? Wouldn’t you prefer to be recognized, respected, and appreciated for your true empowered self instead of for your limitations? And even beyond that, wouldn’t you rather give yourself the attention you’re craving instead of needing to get it from somebody else? Noticing and addressing these deeper
concerns right at the beginning of your breakthrough work, lifting them from the subconscious to your conscious awareness, will make the entire process go much more smoothly.

The question about the gains of change is more straightforward. Except when applied to body weight, the word
gain
has a positive connotation for most people. It’s a natural desire to acquire more and to keep it. Thinking about the benefits you will gain by reaching your goals increases your level of toward motivation. It may be tempting to go easy on yourself and recycle answers from previous questions about how reaching these goals will positively affect your life. Instead, dig deeper to see whether you can find even more enticing reasons and greater benefits for breaking through fear and anxiety, benefits that could also counterbalance your concerns about change. Imagine what it would mean for you to gain inner peace, the courage to start something new, the strength and clarity to fulfill your dreams, and the freedom to be yourself.

Eventually Robert felt that the pain of being stuck was greater than the imagined pain of changing—a shift that coincided with his mother losing some of her patience with him. He decided that he was too young and too talented to give up on himself, and he started to focus more on what he could gain from working on himself. This decision made Robert stay in therapy and return to college.

A goal that can’t be reached is nothing but a pleasant dream that eventually will turn into the nightmare of failure and defeat. This is why, no matter how exciting and motivating the goals you’ve created seem, you need to ask yourself, “Do I have what it takes to reach them?” I know that if you’ve been feeling trapped in anxiety and insecurity, you may have had your serious doubts about that, but only if you address these doubts now will you avoid getting stuck in them later. That’s what makes this question pivotal.