The Feria (8 page)

When Soledad woke up, it took her only a minute to gather her bearings and the time. Where before the early sun beamed through the small windows that adorned the trailer walls, a new deep shade fell over the home. While urgency tapped at her heart, she could not resist the smile that broke over her face. She smelled Xavier in the sheets that lay on top of her. She could also smell food, reminding her that she’d yet to eat that day. She shifted to a sitting position and ran her hands through her hair.

Xavier’s face was suddenly poking through the curtain. “Hungry?”

She shook her head slowly. “No. Not at all. I couldn’t eat if I tried.”

“Please try. For me.”

She would do anything for him.

Out from behind the curtain, her eyes surveyed the quiet trailer home. She suddenly felt ashamed of her brazen appearance earlier in the day, and she debated asking for Xavier’s father, but it was not her place.

As if he sensed her wonder, Xavier was quick to reply.

“My father is out. It’s just us.” He waved her over to him at the small breakfast bar.

“Sorry, this was all we had.” Xavier chuckled and nodded at the breakfast food he’d prepared for a dinner meal.

“No, it’s perfect,” she lied measuring the smallest bite she could manage onto the fork. They sat together at the bar in quiet, and she painfully swallowed small bites of scrambled egg, salted with cheese, and toast with butter and honey. When she could not tolerate anything more, she apologized.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Xavier stared at her, his eyes moody and intense. He tapped his hands on the breakfast bar as if playing a conga. “Hey. Let’s get out of here.”

Soledad slid her hands down and gripped the wooded sides of her barstool, for at his words, she was ready to move, yet something else invaded her thoughts. “I’m too scared. My father will surely be looking for me.” She knew that if they were to run away, it was best to stay concealed until a plan was finalized.

“He won’t find you. I promise.”

Soledad felt bad looking back at the wasted food and dirty dishes she could have easily and hastily cleaned up, a mess that would be the only proof she was ever there, a mess that would be a painful reminder to her precious Xavier if and when he returned to the trailer without her.

Xavier grabbed a long-sleeve flannel shirt off of a chair in his curtained-off room and took Soledad’s hand. “Let’s go, my love.”

They walked hand in hand, fingers intertwined, toward the trees she had been staring at the moment she’d met Xavier that night at the
feria
. She began to cry again, grieving the loss of holding Xavier’s hand when and if her father won. Xavier pulled her closer to him, almost holding her up as they walked. What was she going to do? She was dancing on the outskirts of a breakdown. If Xavier told her they were heading off to kill themselves together, she would completely go along with it. If she could not spend her life with him, it would never be a life worth living.

Once they were buried in a deep fortress of trees, Xavier sat her down on a stump. She felt so helpless. Like a child who needed direction. She listlessly did whatever he said.

“Soledad.” Xavier tipped her chin up so her eyes met his. Her lips trembled. Where he usually appeared confident, she could now see worry. In places of laugh lines, lines of worry etched his eyes and the stubble-covered planes of his face. She wanted to look down again, there was no encouragement in his gaze today, but his firm fingers kept her head raised toward his.

“Soledad,” he said again. “I’ve thought about this all day.” He hesitated, then reluctantly spoke out. “You cannot disobey your father.”

In her mind, she heard something far different than what he said, and she asked again to be sure. “What?” She watched his mouth and face as he spoke so not to miss what she thought she had heard.

“You need to obey your father, Soledad.” He kneeled down beside her, but she drew away from him, his harsh words stinging her.

“What are you saying?” she demanded, the pace of her breath accelerating as heat flashed, attacking her, blinding her.

“Soledad, listen to me, please.” From his praying position, he fought to restrain her. “No matter what happens, good will always prevail. You have to trust in that, and you cannot corrupt yourself by disobeying your father.”

She shook her head. While Xavier wrapped his arms around her waist, she found herself turning her face, attempting to inch further away, but his grip around her remained intact. Finally, she found words. “I can’t believe what you’re saying. I ...” She paused. “I honestly thought I had found my place with you.” It was a struggle to get those words out of her mouth. It hurt to be told she was wrong. “I wanted you to tell me that we could run away together. And one day, you’d be on your knees just like this, only you’d be proposing to me. I was ready to give up everything for you!” As she spat these words, she pained to punish him for something he could not control. She already knew very well and deeply in her heart, that there was no hope, that even if Xavier had proposed they run away, she’d spend a good part of their lives looking over her shoulder. Yet she found herself screaming again, then broke his hold on her and shot to her feet.

“Were you ready to give up your family?” He challenged her, but his shoulders slumped weakly as he stared up at her.

She raised her chin in defiance. “They are dead to me now.”

“Give up Stanford?” He pushed at her with the things he knew she held sacred.

“School means nothing to me. Don’t you understand?
You
are my everything.” She held her hands out to him, pleading with him.

He reached out to take her hands, sliding up to her. She felt hope. Perhaps she was getting through to him. She pushed herself to continue, fervently arguing her point. “If I get married, you and I are finished. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She didn’t realize how tightly she squeezed his hands until he jerked. Her nails had been digging in.

His face came up to hers, so closely his words breathed on her. “
You
mean everything to me. That’s why I can’t let you give up on your family, on your dreams. This marriage is only a temporary setback. I would be a permanent setback if you choose me. Don’t you see? Your father is a smart man. His reasoning for this can’t truly be dismissed. He’s got plans for you. This is his way to take care of you.”

“My father is a
selfish
man. I’m just a piece in his game for wealth and fortune, dispensable, and one would be ignorant to interpret anything else.” She felt her words roll off her tongue like fire, and then one look at Xavier extinguished everything. She was quick to repent, cupping his face in her hands now, planting soft kisses on his mouth. She didn’t feel worthy for her cruel mouth to have the pleasure of his touch. “Please forgive me, my love. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes tightly shut for she couldn’t bear to see the hurt she’d inflicted.

“I’m sorry, too.” His words were simple. Defeated. He rubbed a hand over the top of his head as if conjuring up thoughts. “What if,” he seemed unsure to continue. “What if I told you this marriage was only a temporary means of getting to what we both want?” He still spoke softly. His gaze darted upward and to the left. Soledad knew that look well. It was one her father mastered in his lies to her. This look now, in Xavier, signaled the beginning of the end. While she screamed only in her head, on the outside, she calmly attempted to dissuade him from continuing on the path of lies. It was unintentionally cruel.

“No, Xavier.” She shook her head and dropped back onto the stump.

“No, listen.” He took her shoulders and turned her toward him, his gaze penetrating, as if he truly believed what he was about to tell her. “You get married. You go to Stanford. You occupy your time with school.” His voice rose. “Once you gain your independence, your education, then you leave. No matter what it takes, you leave. No matter how long it takes. I’ll be here. I will
always
be waiting here.”

While she desperately wanted to believe him, to find joy in the promise, all she could see were the years that would separate them. This wasn’t good enough. “But what does that gain me?” she asked wearily, planting a nervous hand onto the splintered plane of the tree stump, now accepting defeat. Xavier didn’t want to fight for her. He wanted her to give in. As hard as he tried to resolve this predicament, it just wasn’t good enough. It would have had to have been more.

“Your family and your education,” Xavier reminded her, waving behind him toward the
feria
grounds. “I can’t give you the life you deserve, Cholita. Not now. Not yet. Not when opportunity still calls for you.”

Feeling like she’d been running a race in one hundred degree heat, Soledad stumbled to her feet. She had nothing left. With Xavier by her side, she would have done it. Run away, lived hand to mouth if she had to. But without him, she had nothing, and he wasn’t giving her a choice.

There was nothing left to say. Silently, cautiously, he took her hand, and they walked back toward his trailer. This time they were only hand in hand. Their fingers did not dance. A single tear slid down her cheek. He was already beginning to separate from her.

She couldn’t bear to leave him with their last moments caught in a rift. These were the final moments, this, the conclusion of whatever magic they had found. She would give everything to appease him, leave him with the thought that even in their most desperate of moments, she never lost hope in him. “So, you’re telling me that this marriage is only temporary? That you believe it’s better to listen to my father and get a divorce later?” As ridiculous as it sounded, she so badly wanted to soothe him, to leave him with the memory that she trusted him. She couldn’t be certain if he really believed it himself, or if he spoke only to comfort her, ease her into her new life, but she eagerly took in his words.

He stopped walking and turned her toward him. “My love, what you’re doing will help us both, and I’m so sorry you have to carry the burden.”

“So I’m building the foundation?” She tried to interpret his thoughts.

“Yes, yes, that’s right. You’ll study law, and when you’re done and we’re together, I’ll go to school. We’ll get married, and I will give you so many babies that you will never be sad again.”

She smiled at the thought of carrying his children. It was so sad that it would never be.

Her smile was all he needed. She had done her job. “Does that plan sound satisfactory to you,
Señorita?”
Relief flooded his face.

It truly did sound satisfactory, and she was so desperate to believe him, she gave one last thrust to set him on his way. “It will be the only thing that keeps me going.”

They had approached several large rocks and boulders, some as tall as Xavier. They looked mystical, something concocted from nature as long ago as their ancestors lived. As oddly out of place as they appeared, they formed a small fortress. Soledad thought it odd that she missed these boulders when they first headed for the trees. Perhaps the tears had blinded her.

“Did you change our route back?” She continued to study the peculiar landmark when Xavier suddenly stopped, pulling her closer to him, and she could feel his breath on her hair. She could hear his breath, too, coming in quick bursts. Did he feel it, too, that this was the last time they’d be together?

She fought back the desperate cries begging to be released. There was no time for them. She forced her mouth into his, putting every ounce of love she felt for him into that goodbye kiss. She opened and pressed her lips strongly, smashing into his mouth, inhaling him.

Heat warmed her body. She knew exactly what she would do. If she had to marry an old wart, she was going to do with Xavier, her one true love, things she would never do with Emmanuel.

Before anyone could steal anything else from her, she would take control of what
she
wanted to give away. And she was ready to give herself to Xavier. All of her. She conveyed that with her tongue against his, dancing, playing, a sensuous kiss she hoped would ignite him as he did her.

She slowly slid her mouth onto his neck, grazing him with the tip of her tongue. His breathing raced. Over his thin shirt, she moved her mouth over his chest where she found sharp nipples protruding through the fabric. His body’s reaction, along with a deep moan, encouraged her to go on. She had never seen anywhere what she needed to be doing, but she instinctively knew. Her own body told her what she would want him to do to her, and that’s what she did to him. Her mouth moved to the center of his chest, down his stomach. Lifting his shirt, her lips made contact with his soft flesh and goose bumps stirred. She began to move her mouth down his body.

Xavier stopped her right there. She could feel his hesitation, but he lifted her up to him.

“There is nothing you have to do to prove your love to me.” His words came out erratic as he tried to catch his breath. “Do you understand that?”

“It’s not what I have to do. It’s what I want to do. Do
you
understand that?” All the anger and frustration of the past few weeks came out in a rush. “It’s my body, my virginity, and I choose to give it to no one else but you.”

Xavier laughed nervously and licked his lips, pursing them together. He did that when he was uneasy. Soledad loved it. She was getting through to him. She asked God to forgive the thoughts flooding her mind even at the simple sight of his tongue, and she was eager to continue where they’d left off. He was beautiful. He reached out and brought her close to him, his body fitting into the curves of hers. He was now giving in to what she wanted. God, what would her parents say?

She brushed away the thought. Why should they enter her mind? They’d betrayed her, robbing her of this, such beautiful love, tearing her away from the only person in the world she wanted, the only person she truly belonged to.

The sun now threatened her with its forthcoming absence as it hugged the horizon. Soon, her father would come looking for her. She stared into Xavier’s eyes with what little light remained to gift her with this last vision of them, blue as the deepest pools of water. She felt things in her body that she’d never experienced until she’d met him, yet now she knew what it was. It was love. It was human nature. It was right. This was the love of her life and nothing that happened tomorrow would change that. She felt a hot aching down in her, in a forbidden area now awakened. She knew it was the longing she had for him, nudging her to move forward. Their lips pressed together.

She opened her mouth and felt a shock when his tongue touched hers. This wasn’t the first time, but it never failed to jolt her. He moved from her mouth to her cheek. Sad that he changed location, she was about to redirect him when he began to plant kisses down her jaw line to her neck, all the while holding her tightly against him. The hair on her arms stood up. It was electric.